The people in my life now, all my new friends and people i met they know nothing about my years of illness, many dont even know i have CF and this is because you are so easily judged. Suddenly you look different, you are analyzed... before you were just a normal girl, but once they know about your past your are judged and suddenly the girl who had anorexia. And thats NOT how i want it to be... i dont even say anything about my past depressions or the self harm marks on my body. I refuse to be deemed or judged by my past mistakes and choices.
My family and the people who know i had an eating disorder they can see me for me NOW. Of course they like to say things (family members who i dont see often) such as Wow now you eat alot, i remember the time when you didnt eat. Or You have grown so much from a few years ago. Or take examples from the times i started crying while sitting infront of a plate of food or arguing with my mum because i didnt want to eat... or just from the time when i was a pale, blank girl.
I just sort of laugh those comments off, 'Yeah ive changed alot' i say with a little laugh.
Most people around me have let go of my past and now see me as i am now. However doctors and staff still seem to see me as the sick girl at times, cant quite let go of the past.
And one of the aspects which they have a hard time digesting, and even some of my readers who are skeptical find it hard to believe that i exercise because i love it. But i am going to say this, YES, YOU CAN RECOVER FROM AN EXERCISE ADDICTION, FIND A BALANCE WITH EXERCISE AND LOVE IT! If you are struggling and find it hard to believe that i exercise because of enjoyment then please dont place your insecurities or anxiety on me.
It can be hard to believe that someone who has recovered from an eating disorder and exercises often does it just because they love it....? I mean your thoughts almost immediatly go to that they are just exercising because they feel they have to, or they get anxiety if they dont or just to burn calories. They develop orthorexia or anorexia athletica... just going from one eating disorder to another. Its easy to think that, and YES, that happens alot. People dont fully recover, they just switch to another eating disorder. However that isnt the case for me.
I truly enjoy and love exercise. I was thinking about this today, how excited and happy i was to go for my walk. Every morning i wake up and am just happy.... Happy that i have energy and long to go to the gym, to lift heavy weights or to run fast intervals, or to run long distance etc Its an enjoyment, something which makes me happy and i love the feelings before, during and after a workout. But then there are the days where having to move my body is seriously a pain. The thought of going to the gym isnt at all appealing and so i dont go. I might just stay inside all day or take a short or long walk.... it all depends how im feeling. But i enjoy all forms of exercise, boxing,running, walking, lifting heavy weights, intervals, climbing, hill walking etc So there are so many different forms i can do. If i dont want to lift weights then i might want to run or do some outside training or just some yoga and stretching.
I listen to my body, just like my food intake. Its so different from day to day... not one day looks the same with exercise or food intake. It all depends on mood, energy levels, hunger, cravings, what we have at home, what i feel like doing etc
I dont like being judged for my past, that was an old me. I have moved on from there.... whether people choose to believe that or not. But i know the truth.
With this post i also want to say that yes, you might be struggling with an exercise addiction now or think you will never be allowed to exercise again. But thats NOT the case. One day you will be able to exercise again - if that is truly what you love. Though you might come to the conclusion that actually, you hate running and you dont understand why you made yourself run 10km everyday... Maybe you like walking or you like dancing or maybe exercise just isnt for you, thats ok as well.
But know that working on balance is key. I didnt go from exercise addict to suddenly having balance. It was a process of first learning to actually rest. To sit down, to rest before, during and after meals. Being able to spend several days and weeks with little to no exercise. Not feeilng guilty for that. Not compensating, and when i had come to that stage then i could slowly (as well as having a healthy weight) begin to exercise again. First short walks and later i was allowed to begin jogging. From there it was once again to find a balance, i did go a little crazy for a while with a little too much exercise. But that was a mistake i learnt from. I burnt out pretty quickly, both my body and mind saying no and from there it was to focus on balance and enjoyment. And that is where i am now almost 2 years later with full balance in my diet and exercising. Enjoying my life and my lifestyle. No compensation, no musts or obligationst to exercise. But because i love it.
I also need to mention that i have grown up always being active, my mum is a yoga teacher and ive done everything from walking, running, cycling, yoga, basketball, jumping on the trampoline etc all my life. And i was talking about this today with my mum how yoga is just part of her life. Something she does everyday and loves it. She feels strange, not like herself if she doesnt do yoga for a day or two... its like something is missing. So remember that the way i eat and the way i exercise might seem strange to some, even my friends found it strange in the beginning, but this is how i live my life. This is how my family lives our lives...... So its not strange for me or my family! Please remember this, everyone is different. What works for one person doesnt always work for another!!!