Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Sunday, August 17, 2014

Diary post - The fear keeps me going

This post was written start of 2012 when i was relapsing and being threatend with day patients again.

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Somedays i wish i could just erase my memory. Erase the memories of when i sat at Mando, depressed.
  I want to forget all the staffs faces. I want to forget what its like to sit in the chairs at Mando. What the place looks like. Forget what the inpatient bed rooms look like. I want to forget everything from my time at Mando.
  i want to forget all the lies i told, all the bad memories, all the times i cheated, all the guilt and anxiety i felt, all the hatred, and the tears. All the suicidal thoughts.
   I made some good friends at Mando, but sometimes i wish i could just forget them aswell.
I would always sit comparing myself to the other patients, and i was always the fat one. Even though i cheated, and didnt eat right and lost weight, i was still the fat one compared to the others.

I would love to erase all my memories from Mando, but that would mean erasing a year and a half of my life, where basically a whole year was Bad. I dont think anything good happend in the year 2010.
  But it would also mean erasing my recovery, erasing my choice to recover. All the good times i had, at the end of 2011 (not the start). The summer, and the times i made my family smile. When i started to smile myself, and started to find myself.

And also, the fear keeps me going.

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   The fear of going back to Mando, ending up in inpatients. Theres no reason for me, i mean. Im eating, and doing fine like that. And my activity isnt over the top either.
  So theres no reason for me to be an inpatient, but if my weight doesnt start pointing up soon, then therewill be reason for me to sit in Mando from 8am-3pm as a day patient.
  But that scares me aswell. I dont want to miss time from school. I dont want to be the 'odd' one again.

The fear of ending up at Mando, it keeps me going. But its a constant fear, and i shouldnt have to live with that fear. i shouldnt have to worry that if im sick and cant manage to eat alot, that i'll end up 5kg less.
 
I would love to sign myself out of Mando, but then theres also the fact that then i might give in. Then there wont be the fear that things will get worse, that there will be consequences if i dont do things right.

My head is a messed up place right now. Dont worry, im eating. Thats fine. But its more that im feeling upset.
  Upset that i wasted so much of my time at Mando, and wondering how much more i have to spend there. Spend my time having to go for check ups, of course i know its all up to me. But at the same time it isnt, my body isnt co-operating. And my head doesnt always want to co-operate either.
 
I just wish i had never gotten sick, and never had to spend so much time in  hospital. (Mando, psych wards, tube feeding, with IV's - over dosing- )
  I will always have to go to hospital for doctors check ups, because of my other illness, but thats different.

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2 comments:

  1. Thank you Izzy for posting this. Gave me a reminder of my own hospital time and of the time I don´t want to go back to.
    Have nice sunday evening and a great start of the week! <3

    -startingtofightfitlife

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    Replies
    1. Sometimes we need a reminder of our past to realise that we dont want to go back there :) Hope you have a great week as well!

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