I didnt think i would sit here, helping people in the same situation as me only a few years ago. I didnt even think i would survive, there was a long period where i just gave up. Gave up on life and my future. I dont often tell this but when i was admitted for the 5th time as an inpatient and my life was pretty much hell... i wasnt allowed at Mando as they told me they couldnt help me, but i was too underweight to be at home. So i was either going to another ed clinic or the psychiatric ward. I felt it was too much, i was too tired. I didnt want to be sick anymore... but i couldnt see my future either. So it was then that i began planning that once i got time out i would overdose/jump off a bridge and just end it all. I even tried running away from inpatients to kill myself, but then i got my shoes and jacket taken away from me and wasnt even allowed any visitors. I hit rock bottom right then and there. I was so tired... phsyically and mentally. Everything hurt, it was like i was carrying around 100kg rocks around my neck. I was too tired to think, almost too tired to breathe. I was almost constantly on antibiotics and each cough shook my body, taking too much energy. I was also told that i wasnt allowed any visits at home because none of the staff trusted me. Each time i had been at home for the past year i had lost weight and done things wrong. So now they werent giving me any chances anymore.
And it was somewhere there that i realised, This wasnt how i wanted to live my life. And when i made that choice, i somehow began to pull myself out of the black hole i was in. It was like a little flicker of light, somewhere in the distance kept me going. And i kept fighting.... i had a relapse which lasted a few months, i lost sight of my goal. Didnt quite know what i wanted... did i actually want to take that leap of faith into true recovery, or should i fall back into what i considered safeness. Having my ED, listening to my ED was safe. I knew it.... i knew how to be sick, but i didnt know how to be healthy. I didnt know how to be me, Izzy. I was unknown to myself.
But instead of trying to go back to who i was when i was sick, or who i was before i was sick i began to recreate myself. To who i am now. And i love who i am now.... I am happy with myself. With my personality. I dont feel i need to change (Though ofcourse not being as quite might be a good thing, but thats something im working on!).
I saved myself. And then began saving others.
Hearing that i help you guys, my readers. It still amazes and shocks me. To hear that my words, my journey has inspired you enough to want to change your life as well. Given you motivation that there IS hope, that there is life after such an awful illness, that makes me so happy to hear. I dont earn anything from my blog, its all my freetime and hobby, but knowing that i help people is rewarding enough. It makes me want to continue writing, continue sharing my story. I have of course thought about writing a book (At the start of summer i said it would be my summer project, though that never happened.) Though im hoping some time in the next few years i will find motivation to write my story... to share my journey with more people.
I want you all to know that recovery IS possible and its worth it. Thats not something i would lie about. Though let me be honest, there might be times DURING recovery, or half recovery where you ask yourself, is this really worth it? The anxiety is too much, or you feel yourself getting depressed again or cant cope with the weight gain. But you need to fight those feelings. I have slipped into depression and self harm again since my recovery, but i fought my way through that once again. Life isnt easy. No matter who you are. But once you have truly recovered then you WONT regret recovery. You SHOULDNT regret the weight gain (to a healthy weight!). If you do regret recovery, i dont personally think you have fully recovered then. Because being sick, WANTING to have an eating disorder or be super skinny, that isnt a sign of mental health. And i dont think you can classify yourself as healthy or recovered if you long back to the days when you starved yourself.
Looking at my pictures from now versus a few years ago, it puts a HUGE smile on my face. I have come so far, but also the smile on my face in pictures now is so genuine! Its not a fake smile, i look so happy. And i AM happy. Thats the MOST important thing. To be HAPPY AND HEALTHY!!!