Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Sunday, August 31, 2014

movie snacking

I love snacks so much....  I dont think ive met anyone who loves snacks as much as me... or yeah, ok a few online i have :) But none of my friends understand my love for snacking!!
    And one thing which is certain, whenever i watch movies i need snacks. I cant understand people who can watch movies without snacks... for me, its a must to have something to snack on!!
On my way home from my friends party my sister messaged asking if i wanted to see a film and as i was feeling tired of course i said yes.... coming home, eating snacks and sitting infront of the TV. A perfect end to this week :)
    We're planning on seeing The fault in our stars, has anyone seen that film ? Did you like it`?

Mysnacks of choice are popcorn, root chips,chocolate, chocolate covered nuts and some stevia flavoured sweets as i feel i ate so much cake and cookies at my friends, but as im writing this post ive already tucked into the chocolate covered nuts :) Mmmmmm!!

Hope you all have a lovely evening, tomorrow its Monday and also 1st September!

It wasnt death i wanted, it was mental peace

I got asked if i could write about my depression which i thought i would do in this post.
     Its hard to say whether my depression was triggered by my developing eating disorder or whether my eating disorder developed from my depression. I was so young that i didnt really know what was going on in my head... i thought that the thoughts of being too fat, not being allowed food were normal... and in many cases, it is normal for teenage girls to consider them fat. To want to change their body, which is very wrong, it shouldnt be considered normal to hate yourself.
   I was 11/12 when i began thinking more about the future, i googled about CF, what were the statistics for survival, of even being able to have kids. I was 11 years old and i was worried that i would never have a partner, that i was too ugly to be loved. That i was too sick to be loved... i was missing out on parties, on school, on friends. And i think that was what triggered my negative thoughts and my depression, and also my lack of control in my life. I had decided to be normal and in order to be normal i had to stop taking my medicines and inhalers etc which then made me even sicker with my CF. Wanting control over my life, but also i got a negative comment about food when i was around 11 which affected me alot and combined with low self esteem my ED developed.

I was 13 when i first felt i wanted to die i had also begun self harming then. I was very sick with my CF due to me not eating, purging and pushing myself with exercise. I spent 80% of that year at home or in hospital and just wishing to die... but i couldnt voice my fear. I looked at everyone around me, living their lives and i had this voice in my head screaming at me. Anxiety crawling beneath my skin and this dark rain cloud above my head, weighing me down. It was like my body was there, but not my mind. I could see everything, but i couldnt interract. I was a mannequin... just a body. My depression and ED got worse and i spent alot of time lying on the hard, cold floor of my room... just thinking. Trying to understand what was going on... i felt so helpless. I felt this mental pain, this voice in my head constantly reminding me that i was fat, that i shuoldnt be lying down i should be out running. My self harm got worse as i tried to numb the mental pain... try to feel some form of physical pain instead of the one inside my head. I was 14 when i first voiced that i wanted to die... I was an inpatient in the kids psychaitric ward and i had a therapist who kept pushing me to answer her questions. To tell her why i wasnt and couldnt eat, why i couldnt get better, why i was so scared of eating. It was then i said, I would rather die than be fat. That was one of the only things i said in that hospital to the staff and is marked down in my journals. I was also 14 when i first attempted suicide.... i tried to hang myself. Though whether i should call it an attempt or not, i stood on a chair with a noose type thing around my neck... though after an hour or so of just standing there i broke down and just cried. It was also there my mum found me in the middle of the night.

   As my eating disorder got worse my depression also got worse. Thoughts of suicide were always on my mind, i planned and plotted my death... i had even written a suicide note. I wanted to end my pain... end my suffering. Self harm was no longer numbing the anxiety, the guilt, the thoughts and feelings and i felt i couldnt cope anymore. I couldnt cope wtih eating, being in hospital, of all the self hate and guilt i had for putting my family through all of that. I just wanted it to end... i wanted some type of peace. In 2011 i overdosed and ended up spending 2 nights in hospital having to drink this weird drink (cant remember the name) to clean my body of the toxins. It was also then that everyone around me realised just how depressed i was.... for the past year i had barely spoken, my self harm once again getting that bit worse  and eating wasnt happening either. But it was like my family and even the hospital needed that wake up call.... an attempted suicide. It was also then that the doctor at Mando told me that if i dont change my behaviour i will get kicked out of Mando and a few months later i was told i wasnt allowed to go there anymore.
     After the attempted suicide the staff at Mando got even more strict with me which made me even more mad and i began collecting painkillers again, telling myself that next time i would take even more. And in the next 6 months i also tried jumping off a bridge and hanging myself again, though of course i never went through with them but i was 75% sure i would and almost did.

However as i began eating again as i found my motivation to recover from my eating disorder i also began feeling happier. Somewhere during my recovery i stopped with self harm... cant remember how or why, but i think it was because i found different coping methods with the guilt and anxiety. I didnt want more scars on my body. Also as my body and mind got nourished i was able to think more straight and feel happier.
    However i did fall back into a relapse which resulted in me feeling more depressed again, i could no longer smile or feel happy but i think that was just due to my starvation, my body not getting the energy it needed as well as feeling super stressed.
   And after i was declared healthy a few months later i fell into a sort of depression again due to stress and school.
   I know i have it easier to feel depressed though since ive recovered from my eating disorder its never been a full blow depression, But i have had periods where i have felt so unmotivated, lifeless, unhappy for a longer period of time and even had suicidal thoughts. Though its nothing i have acted upon, but just tried to fight my way through the thoughts, try to stay positive. I am generally a very positive person and always want to see the positive in life which has helped me emensly and i havent felt depressed since i began with that type of thinking!
   One thing which i havent mentioned on this blog, because it is so very personal, is that my mum's dad became depressed and killed himself. This was something i was never aware of until after i had overdosed. I had known that he had died, i just never knew that he had killed himself. Finding that out made me feel so much more guilty for putting my mum through that... to think, if i had died that night, i dont know what it would have done to my mum. To have both her mum die when she was 15 years old and when she was 18 her dad commited suicide. And then to have her 15 year old daughter commit suicide? Just the thought... of how i could have done that to her makes me quiver now. Though of course, i didnt think about that then. I wanted to end my mental pain and i also thought it would be better for my family if i died, if they no longer had to see me or go through everything i was putting them through.
  I now realise that by killing myself i wasnt solving a problem, i was causing another one.
Another thing also is that my dad has also been depressed several times - once again, something i dont lke mentioning online. But it also doesnt make it so strange that i have it easier to feel depressed or become depressed. (Remember that sadness or feeling a little sad or unmotivated for a few days ISNT depression. But thats not what im refering to either, i mean actual depression signs and symptoms when i talk about it).

One thing which i despise is how sites like Tumblr depression is glorified.... slitting your wrists, lying in bed feeling unmotivated and sad, having demons in your head.... thats all seen as something different, unique etc but at the same time society makes people with depression feel even worse about themselves. They're just attentionseeking... someone who attempts suicide are just attention seekers. Put them on pills and hope that they feel happier... but those types of pills just take away all emotions. You are left like a doll... dont feel happiness or sadness. It doesnt cure the actual problem.
  Depression, just like eating disorders or self harming is NOT cool and not something that makes you special or unique, its not something to strive after.

Now when i live my life and make choices that make me happy that give me positivity. Also having a balance in my life, feeling happy and loving my life. I now rarely feel sad or depressed. School stress can affect me emensly and make me feel very tired, unmotivated, sad but im trying to find good coping skills for my stress and im hoping one day that school stress wont affect  me so much as it does.

This post has become really long and i feel i lost track and havent mentioned half of the things which i wanted.-.... but i thought i would write another post about how to cope and recover from depression, or some of my tips anyway. And feel free to ask more about this topic and i will answer in a post :)

Morning energy

After my power breakfast (I am going to start eating fruit and fruit salad for breakfast as often as i can now a days - So much energy from it!) i headed to the gym and it feels like forever ago since i was there as ive been so busy and had other things to do instead of the gym, and thats ok. Its good with change as well. But it felt good to be back and i had so much energy, it was like i didnt want to stop!!! The sun was shining and i was feeling super happy and energy filled so i decided to walk home. And on the way i met my mum out with the dog and suddenly i realised i didnt have keys with me and no one else was home. So that was lucky that i met my mum and could get keys from her!
  Now its lunch (Quorn mince, prawns, rice, brocolli and cottage cheese. If you havent tried this combination - TRY IT! Its like Paella, which is one of my favourite dishes :) Though you can use chicken or minced meat instead of quorn :))

In an hour or so i am leaving for a friends birthday party/mingle :) But before that, its school work!!! :)

How are you spending your Sunday?

Fruit filled breakfast

Autumn is not one of my favourite months - neither is winter - however i do love all the fresh fruit (and its cheap!!!). As you might have noticed recently, fruit has been 75% of my diet recently... But i love it so much! I would much rather eat fruit that quark at the moment, so thats exactly what im doing :)
Another thing i like about Autumn is the change in colours... how it goes from green to orange to brown. The afternoon sun, the still bright days and the autumn clothes!!! I love it... leather jackets, scarves, converse... but still warm enough for tights and skirts as well :)

Whens you favourite month? :) And why?

For breakfast today i had watermelon, plum, grapefruit, nectarine, peach & vanilla yoghurt & toppings. Coffee and an Aloe Vera! Delicious :)

Sickness to fitness

I am sure many of my readers are aware of the fitness trend on social media. And most probably are following a few fitness account on either IG or tumblr or elsewhere..... and i am not going to deny that im not part of that fitness trend. Because i am....However, would i consider myself fitness obsessed? No i wouldnt.
    But also something i want to clarify is that i recovered from my eating disorder -> Both physically and mentally before i began exercising more again. My diet has changed with the years... during my recovery i came into a phase where i drank alot of alcohol and ate chocolate or cakes 6 days a week. And i didnt feel well mentally or physically. I didnt get anxiety for it, but i developed a sugar addiction (and a diet coke addiction) but i decided i wasnt treating my body fair. Going from restriction, harming myself, purging etc to then eating too much (in my opinion) sugar and chemicals so then i began focusing more on whole foods and from there my diet has just become more balanced. A balance that works for ME. It might not work for others, but for me it works and thats the most important.

One thing which i want to bring up though is that many who are recovering from an eating disorder start exercising too early, cut down on carbs or start following a vegan diet or paleo or some other diet. They begin strength training just because everyone else is, they want to shape their body. Continuously trying to change their body, see some form of change and progress. And  im not saying anything is wrong with that, because sure... seeing progress is fun.
  But if im honest Seeing and FEELING progress that im stronger, that i can run longer, that i can run faster that is MUCH MORE rewarding than seeing some quad definition. Has my thinking always been this way, of course not. But when i realised that exercising to change my body WASNT bringing me happiness, but exercising and working out what i love. Doing things that make me happy, that made ME happy. But also loving my body for the way it looked... That is more important than trying to change your body.

One thing which i pretty much ALWAYS tell my readers or people looking to me for advice is to FIND SELF LOVE. You wont find happiness when all you are trying to do is change your body. You can spend hours at the gym, lifting weights or running until you collapse, so focused on trying to change yourself. Trying to see abs, trying to have visible abs.... but happiness wont come from that.
    I wrote THIS post which is one of my top posts and got alot of responses and views. I had abs, visible abs did it make me happy? Not really... because i never saw that... i just kept wanting to change. Wanting to see more definition, putting my happiness in the way my body looked ISNT happiness. Because your body bloats, holds onto water etc and you cant always control that (and if you do, then its not a healthy mindset or behaviour). And if you feel sad everytime you will bloat, trust me... you will spend 50% of your life sad.

Exercising is healthy, its something i do reccommend people. But exercising for the RIGHT reason. Not just to try to change yourself.
  Its great to have goals, to want to run 5km in 20 minutes or want to be able to squat 80kg or be able to cycle 30km etc etc or whatever goals you have, thats great. But having goals like having visible 6 pack? You wont feel happy even when you reach that goal.

Many recovering think that if they just eat extra chicken, some sweet potatoe, drink protein shakes and lift weights they are healthy? They let muscle gain be their weight gain but still have a too low fat procent. They hate their stomachs and their legs, they feel sad when a workout hasnt gone the way it should. They never treat themselves or their treat is 80% dark chocolate.
    Going from one restrictive behaviour and controlling food to  another controlling behaviour and food obsession isnt healthy. You arent healthy going from one obsession to another.

Now you might read this and think, Amnt i just being hypocritcal?
   You CAN like and do exercise after recovery, that is ok.... i mean thats what i do. And no you dont always have to eat cake 5 times a week after recovery. After recovery, when you are physically and mentally healthy you can make your own choices.
  But when you are in recovery its not going to help if you begin exercising too early or think you are being super healthy by never eating bread and only eating whole grain pasta etc etc

People think they have to look a certain way to be fitness, but the fact is... what is fitness? Fitness is health. Fitness is exercising and eating healthy for YOU. Fitness is NOT a body type!!!!!


Saturday, August 30, 2014

Take a chance on life

Some days, some moments in your life you cherish more than others and this evening was one of those times. My sister said she would go to the festival with me and 2 of her friends had spontaneously decided to join us as well which i just thought was fun. The more the merrier, as they say.
    I have lots of photos which i thought i would publish instead of writing some long post!! First off we stood right at the front and danced and jumped to Icona Pop! Then Say Lou Lou was on the second stage after that, though i spent 20 minutes in the queue for the bathroom so missed most of their songs.
  We then went to get food which resulted in lots of queuing. I wanted falafels but they were all gone so i ended up getting Halloumi with potatoes, salad and a mint sauce. Which was super delicious anyways.
    Then First Aid Kit began playing but the stage was crowded with people so we had to stand quite far away which was a pity because i really wanted to see First Aid kit. After that we went to the alocohol area where we got a drink before the final artist, Veronica Maggio performed!!! She was on stage for 90 minutes and we had stood in the crowd for 25 minutes before hand so by the time she was done singing it felt like my knees and hips had locked in place -_-
  When the concert was over my sister and I then walked home and here i am in bed now, its 11.55pm in Sweden and im still high on energy from this evening!! One of those memorable evenings!! Im tired, but at the same time i dont want the day to end!