I weighed between 53-54kg during this period (end of 2011 until middle of 2012) i refused to gain weight. I didnt want to. I felt fat at that weight though i was still underweight and was threatened many times that i would end up back at Mando. All i wanted was a happy and healthy life, but it was like i had given up on recovery at this stage. I didnt wantt o keep eating, keep gaining weight. I had lost sight of my goal... i didnt think it got ebtter than that... a half recovery. Stuck in the grey zone.
Calories and certain food gave me anxiety. Weight gain gave me anxiety. I felt fat. I was very restrictive with how i ate and what i ate....
Its easy to get stuck in a half recovery stage, but it IS possible to fully recover. To get past this stage, you just have to keep fighting. And NOT settle at this stage.
Diary entry (23/12/11)
SaVE ME FROM MYSELF - Usch im cowering away on my own.dealing with my anxiety and fear. i look in the mirror - it see myself as fat. but i feel fat. i feel horrible. i feel like i need to run. theres this huge pull making me want to put on my shoes and go running. exercise. its hard. im making it hard for my sister . im trying to talk. but i don't want her to think im falling into bad ways. but im wondering if i am? i don't feel well.
i feel like Anas taking over. the calories of all the food is.bothering me. i dont want to eat. all i want to do is go home. be with my mum. im my room with my computer. safe Swedish food and i miss normal.
i miss my dog. i miss going for walks.i know this is an anorexoc thing. im not enjoying myself. I've started counting down the days to go home. i dont want to be here. i want to enjoy myself. but its hard.
i think im just tired, i took an attarax (calming pill) i couldn't handle the anxiety. i felt like bursting into tears and i did when i went upstairs on my own.
I can't wait for bed for it to be another day tomorrow. Im gonna get through today, go to bed early and do things tomorrow. Counting down the days until i go home, i dont want to be here. I dont like not having my normal food. I dont like the food here. I just miss being at home where everything is normal.
You can see from the photos that i was far from fat but still, 80% of the time i felt fat. That is what the voice in your head does to you... makes you see and feel things which arent true.