Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Thursday, July 31, 2014

Long day, but im still happy...

Let me see.... where do i even begin? How do i begin descriving this long day.... in short phrases, a long post? My brain feels like mush at the moment, trying to think of the right phrase and sentence....

Ill begin with, after being away from home for 13 and a half hours i am now lying in bed with a huge smile on my face just after eating a store bought salad and also some chocolate covered nuts & trail mix for dessert (as i felt i needed it and well why not?!). And i dont think lying in bed has ever felt so good :)

Ill begin with the start of my day.... in the morning just as i was about leaving for the festival my friend messaged and told me she couldnt come... You couldnt cancel on work unless you were sick and had a doctors verification that you were sick. Which in this case my friend did... at first i felt a little betrayed but i knew there was a 50% chance this might happen and unless i wanted to pay c.a 250 euro (2500kr) for missed work it was just to take myself to the festival anyway. Which im glad i did, i had no thought of skipping it anyway because believe it or not, i had been looking forward to today and Monday for quite a while :) Yes its alot of physical work, but i like that.
My work was organizing and fixing all the guests rooms (11 in total on 3 different floors!) there were supposed to be 4 of us working on this section but as my friend didnt come there was just the 3 of us. 1 girl and 1 guy. Both were super friendly and i made great contact and the guy was flirting with me all day, But i didnt have a problem with that :) I looked awful, smelled of sweat but he didnt mind...  i guess we all looked/smelled like that anyway :)
   As we are working the day before and the day after the festival there werent loads of people working (though still a few hundred) however out of all the people us 3 worked the hardest it seemed like. Loads of people just sat outside watching as we ran back and forward carrying heavy objects, fixing things, pushin large trolleys filled with liters of water. Carrying sofas ^_^ Also having to carry several liters of water up and down 3 flights of stairs.  Finding things,  fixing, makings lists etc
  When i was put on duty of making fruit bowls it was a relief, i also got to eat some of the fruit ;:)  Which was a good energy refill!

 The first few hours just flew by. However when it was like 5pm thats when 2 minutes felt like 10 minutes and the pace started slowing down,. I felt mentally and physically tired the words of what people around me said went in one ear and out the other. I had to double check lists of things 4 times before i remembered what it was i was doing. My feet and legs began hurting.
   Duing my 10 hour work we only got one meal - lunch which was sausage and vegetarian sausage - 2 things which i dont like to eat. However, i knew i needed energy and when it comes to these situations its just to eat what you are served even if you dont like it !! So i ate the vegetarian sausage anyway & lots of crisp bread with butter :)
   I also drank i think 4 cups of coffee & 2 energy drinks throughout the day & fruit and atkins bars & chocolate bar!

Even though today was quite tough i mean im strong and can lift heavy weights but it was physically challengfing - i felt sorry for the other girl who wasnt so physically trained but she did well anyway :)
 But i found it super fun, being active like this, doing things is super fun!! Not once did i find it boring, too tiring or wanted to go home. I enjoyed it all, even carrying the 10kg or more heavy items up for 3 flights of stairs.
   And it feels good coming home now, knowing ive done something all day... not just lain in bed all day!!! :)

Now im going to continue eating my dessert and then jump into the showwer before i put my feet up for the day :)

Work. Coffee and snacks.

I have a quick 5 minute break to sit down so I decided to write a quick post. 2 more hours to go... and ive been running up and down stairs all day carrying 10-20kg boxes. Moving things and running around. Time to eat some chocolate, drink some coffee and ready to go again!! And I am so happy that so many have commented on my previous post ;) :)

Who reads my blog?

I asked this question on my blog 2 years ago or so and got many comments which i loved, i got to know more of who reads my blog which is always super fun. But readers come and go... but im still here (I like to compare myself to a teacher, the students stay for a while, then they move on they've got the information they need. Some come back to say hi, but new students come to replace the old.... thats sort of how i see my blog and readers :) Though i wish i could get to know you all :))

So now im asking again Who reads my blog? I.e who are you?
 Ok this is getting deep, i mean... it would take a while to actually figure out who you are on a deep, psychological level. What i mean more is...

Where are you from?
Age group
Are you suffering from an ED? Have suffered? Knows someone who suffers? Or maybe just like my blog... thats cool too ;)

How long have you read my blog?
 How did you find it?

And if you want to leave any random information about yourself as you all know pretty much everything about me ;) Apart from my age... heh heh, got to keep some type of mystery!!! :) Though many have figured out my age!

And if you have any advice or constructive critisizm feel free to share ;)

Remember you can still be anonymous and you dont have to answer all the questions, it would just be cool to know more about my readers :)

Being open

I often think about blogging, why i do it and why i have so many readers? To me i still find it strange... having many readers makes me double think what i write and post but i still post things which I want... My blog is still a part of me, for my sake as well as my readers. As i always try my best to write posts about topics you want to read about.... though i can only do my best!! :)

But one of the reasons i think people like my blog - correct me if im wrong - is that i am so open. Im open about when i struggle, that i can still have bad body image days and days where life just seems to stomp on me. But i am also open about all my grea days, all the awesome moments in my life. And then the not so awesome moemnts such as when i have food babies, spend the whole day eating etc etc Im only human after all ;)
   When i first started my blog i was very anonymous, not my real name, age or anything.. infact i started writing as a 16 year old bulimic girl as i was purging several times a day then so thought i had bulimia. Though the fact that i was barely eating anything and over training and not binging didnt really factor in my head. I thought that if i purged i was bulimic.
   I have deleted those first posts from 2009, and my real blog posts are from 2010 sometime there... and then over the years i became more public and more open. Many posts are covered in half honesties and not telling the truth of many situations i.e i was out running or walking, skipped meals, struggled loads but wrote it went ok at home just because i knew some people that were reading my blog and i didnt want them to think bad of me. But i just caused more problems for myself anyway.

As i got more readers i started posting more pictures of myself, more information about myself, then i made an email account etc etc and i think that also makes people more likely to follow and read my blog? I guess you like knowing who you are reading about.... you like seeing a face to the words. Knowing that its an actual person you can relate to. Not just some robot behind a screen.
    I think people like being able to relate to others, know that they arent alone... and i guess that is what i am. Showing that i have been in the situation you are in, but i took myself out of it. Through hard work and dedication... it wasnta  walk in the park, it was tough work. But it was worth it :)

Sometimes being so open online is weird... its like who is reading my blog? Is it weird old men or crazy people? I dont really know... but i guess thats the chances i take. I
  By reading my blog you can think im self centered and ego istic... i mean all the pictures of myself and constantly writing about myself, but actually thats not how i am. Im the person who never really talks about myself, so its such a contrast on my blog :) hahaha
   Like a secret life, another identitiy almost? :)

Below you see some of the Real me - unpublished pictures :)

^The day i was declared healthy (i.e almost 2 years ago!!) i think i have a right to hog the spotlight, orr? :)

Volunteer work

I just want to remind you all that today i am doing volunteer work on a festival i think im doing decoration and building! Both me and my friend are working and also on Monday (after the festival). The fesstival begins on Friday to Sunday and as we are volunteers we will get free tickets so i think we'll be going to the music festival as well. Though if i admit, i just find it fun to work and do something productive. At first i was nervous but now im just looking forward to it!! It will be good to get out of the house, i feel its a weird vibe there right now.
  Im working from 9am to 7pm so alot of hours and if im honest, im a little worried about my food intake today o_O we will only have certain alotted time for lunch and maybe some water pauses. However as im writing this now (yesterday evening) i realise that i need to go to the shop and and buy some form of energy bar or flapjack and energy drinks to have with me as it will be physical work all day. Hopefully i get time for that before i start working.

I have scheduled posts today so there will be things to read :) And also aquestion for all of YOU to answer, so stay tuned for that!!!

I hope i have a good day today and can have something exciting to write about when i get home again today :)

Have a great day all of you!

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Mentally tiring day

Today has been a very hard mental day.... All day i feel ive been smoothered in thoughts. And lots of anxiety.... This evening i even wished i had some anxiety/calming pills to get rid of it all, to just go to sleep early. But the fact is, i never get so much anxiety. I get stressed, but never that much anxiety... i guess today is just a special case. I cant always be strong....
   I know all this will have passed by tomorrow, my feelings and emotions just feel extra strong at the moment. Its like i cant just feel sad, but i have to break down feel sad, or cant just be angry but need to start slamming doors and screaming angry ;) haha
I also met my friend today, however she has had it tough the past few months so she is back at hospital so i visited her there which also brought up a lot of old memories which didnt help with my thoughts and anxiety. Its just been one of those days... But like i said, im sure it will all be gone by tomorrow.

Which brings me to what im actually doing tomorrow...  Im going to be doing volunteer work at a festival from c.a 9am to 7pm tomorrow!! So a long day ;) So need to try get some sleep soon! But im looking forward to it, it will be physical work but thats just going to be fun!!! :)

Tips to stop restricting

Random facts about me

I thought i would share some random facts about me :)

When i was younger my sister and i never really ate junk food we only had once a week where we were allowed junk food and then trust me... we ate ALOT! Pringles, chocolate, ice cream, soda sometimes, fingers etc ;) hahahah It was like eating a weeks worth of junk food in one evening, but thats what worked for us :)

I used to eat 2 donuts at a time (Or one after another ;)).... but the donuts you find here in Sweden dont look as fresh, they all look really dry so i havent eaten one in a while!

I LOOOOVEEE bagels :) Can someone send me some american bagel bread? :)  haha

I wanted a beagle because of their ears.... ;)

I sometimes had days where i just didnt want to go to school because of tests/somethign that had happend in school etc and said that i was sick due to CF so i didnt have to go ;);) #CFbenefits or something like that ;) Though in my later years my mum has now seen through that... but now its up to me whether i actually go to school or not, its me who takes teh consequences if i dont!

I didnt get boobs until i was 16/17..... ;) i.e after my recovery! hahaha So something good came from being sick anyway??!

I used to spend hours every week talking on the phone to my best friend as i missed so much school... i used ot have a HUGE phone bill each month ;) heh heh

I always have conversatins with myself (???!) and i think im super funny but im pretty sure others dont ;) Im the type of person who laughs at their own jokes. Laughs at the wrong time and can be on Tumblr and just laugh out loud several times!!! But i NEVER use LOL... i hate it. ;)

There you go, some random information about me and when i was younger :)

Body weight exercises to do at home - video

Here is the video i made with body weight exercises If you find exercise/exercise videos triggering, SKIP THIS POST/VIDEO. For your own sake. I had quite a few requests to see it so i decided to post it!!

The video is not that great (hahaha, bad video skills and bad video making skills ;))
I was first going to film then take screen shots and just post pictures... thats why the push ups i do are really slow (i couldnt be bothered to refilm them!).
With lunges... do both legs (i can only do one due to my foot!)
The last few exercises with weights you can fill water bottles (&& the angle of that filming = awful!!! hahah. Hard to be the person infront and behind the camera ;))
And the tricep kick back exercise i know im doing it a little wrong ;) heh heh
I also realise that i missed quite alot of body weight exercises, haha... might have to make a new video!!

There you go... now you can watch ;);)

Change is part of life

Today we got to know that we got offered the apartment we looked at last week. Before i was going to go out wtih Daisy my mum came and talked to me and was like Izzy, i need to talk to you. That feeling when your heart stops for a second and you think of all the bad things/things you shouldnt or should have done race through your mind in a split second ;) hahah. And then she told me that we got offered the house and we have to answer yes or no this morning.....
  I dont even know what ot think. I feel i cant think... i cant process it. I am pretty much 80% sure i dont want to move there, but i dont want to be the reason why we dont move if the rest of my family like it... i dont want that pressure on me. Its not my choice... i mean if we do move, well... then ill find a way to like it. Or maybe ill have found my own apartment by then? If we dont move... well i dont want to feel guilty, like im the one who made us not move?
    I felt i had to get out of the house so i was glad that i already had my shoes and walking stuff on, so it was just to put on my new cap, plug in some music and walk...... i just wanted to walk and walk and walk. Sounds like im running away from my problems, but actually not. Thats how i process things. Daisy however didnt want to walk as long as me so after about 20% of what i wanted to walk i had to turn and walk back home again as Daisy wasnt co operating!! XD

For me walking, running and lifting helps me to process things.... whether its that i got an A in my test and am super happy and excited, then its just to stand on the treadmill and run at 18km/hr to get all my excitment out! Or if i did bad on a test then its just to lift some heavy ass weights and take my frustrations out.... Or in this case, trying to process a change where i feel i just want to walk and let my thoughts process and work through my feelings.

At the moment i dont know how im feeling... change can be both positive and negative and as there is a 90% chance we will move within the next 3 months i need to start seeing the positive things about this change.

For now.... i need to work through everything in my head whether that takes an hour, a day or 2 weeks... i dont know. But im working on seeing the positive about this change, and just writing this post is helping me....

Im sorry if there will be a lack of posts today... i just feel i need some space to breathe and think today.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

My day

The days all seem to go into one at the moment, the previous days resememble the next day... not really having any idea about what date or day it is, just sort of.... doing things.

Today has been like any day really, though a few differences. The past while ive been looking for a cap to wear for my morning walks or when i sit in the sun. But the places ive looked they have all been over my price range but today i drove out with my mum to a shopping centre and i found a Nike cap (the one i wanted) for a bargain price :) hahah Have to save money where i can!
I also got a delivery from MyProtein today, containing protein cookies and L-Glutamine which i have been asked to try ;) So i ate a protein cookie as part of my snack :) Do you want a review, or? :)

Otherwise... i havent done much. Ive felt very tired this evening so i guess getting a good nights sleep will be important this evening though its so warm in the house i feel like im walking around and just melting... i want to go stand in the fridge for a while! I didnt think i would ever say this, But im looking forward to colder days. Cant there just be a good mix of 10 degrees somedays and 30 degrees other days all year round because then you get a chance to just cool off, to wear that big jumper you want to wear and the next day wear that new bikini? ;) hahah
I feel like im taking c.a 3 cold showers per day though once i step out of the shower i just want to step in again!!!

Food and nuts has been consumed in large amounts today as well... as usual i guess? No more or less than normal. However my stomach is sticking out like im 6 months pregnant.... And so the food baby returns, it was good while it was gone ;);)
And also some negative body thoughts have crossed my mind recently... having problems with my face.... hahaha Sounds weird, but yes.
have you ever seen your face from another angle and just sort of paniced? Yup, thats how im feeling.
Hope these feelings pass soon, i mean i cant really get rid or swap my face ;);)

Calorie counters and why they are wrong

I got asked via email what it hought about online calorie counters and i stumbled upon the answer below which i thought was great.
   What do i think of them? Well i think they are very wrong... its so hard to actually know, an online counter how much energy you need. Sure, you can fill in your height, weight, age and activity level. But what exactly is moderate training? What is heavy training? Does walking to and from job count as part of exercise, etc etc.... So all of those things make a difference. I mean for me, i think my TDEE is something like 2400-2600 (on different counters) but that doesnt actually count in the fact that i have CF which automatically craves more energy frmo my body. And im pretty sure thats why i eat around 2500+ each day (on the rare occasions i have counted how much i eat i eat a very large amount).
   Apps such as MFP are just stupid as well when i used it once before i got told that i needed 1800 to maintain my weight.... -_-' That would serisouly have lead to me undereating.
  I dont think counting calories is necessary or healthy, it can just turn into a bad addiction and obsession. It turns food into numbers which isnt healthy. Its better to try to listen to your body, which can take anything frmo weeks to months to years to actually learn to do. To fully trust yourself and your signals. Its a learning progress. But just counting calories, worrying if you ate 200 more than yesterday or sitting and trying to force in 500 calories because you didnt eat enough in a day... that doesnt matter to a healthy body. While in recovery it can be good to follow a meal plan with the proper amoutn of energy for YOU, but counting calories isnt good and shouldnt be done otherwise. Try to avoid calorie counters they arent healthy and not a good thing to use.

HERE is the answer i found:

Why do the calories recommend so little calories for YOU?
The calorie calculator suggests that the thinner you are, the less you need to maintain, gain or loose. In recovery, this is completely wrong. Did you get me? COMPLETELY WRONG. In recovery, a person with bmi 15 (or more!) may need 3 times as much as the calorie calculator suggests, just to gain 1-2 lbs weekly. If a person with a low body weight tries this calculator, the amount of calories needed will be lower than if a person with a healthy bmi try it. These calculators are NOT for people in recovery who have done severe damage for thousands and thousands of calories.

But how many calories do I need then?
In recovery you need 2500-3000+. Read why here. On the other hand, a person not in recovery also needs waaay more than what these calorie calculators suggests. The amount of calories suggested by the calorie calculators are WRONG. The wholw 2000-thing is a lie. Quoting Ƙygunn
”The 2000 calorie need is self-reported in surveys. Which means 2000 calories was what these people BELIEVED they ate during the typical day. When they were later monitored in laboratory settings, they ate around 2500 calories. (They forgot to count nuts, latte, dressings, etc - or did not know the caloric content.)”
Still dont believe us? Ask FDA.

”The FDA wanted consumers to be able to compare the amounts of saturated fat and sodium to the maximum amounts recommended for a day’s intake—the Daily Values.  Because the allowable limits would vary according to the number of calories consumed, the FDA needed benchmarks for average calorie consumption, even though calorie requirements vary according to body size and other individual characteristics.
From USDA food consumption surveys of that era, the FDA knew that women typically reported consuming 1,600 to 2,200 calories a day, men 2,000 to 3,000, and children 1,800 to 2,500. But stating ranges on food labels would take up too much space and did not seem particularly helpful. The FDA proposed using a single standard of daily calorie intake—2,350 calories per day, based on USDA survey data. The agency requested public comments on this proposal and on alternative figures: 2,000, 2,300, and 2,400 calories per day.”
Ok. So the 2000-thing and the calorie calculators are wrong. But WHY do they recommend too little!?

”Despite the observable fact that 2,350 calories per day is below the average requirements for either men or women obtained from doubly labeled water experiments, most of the people who responded to the comments judged the proposed benchmark too high. Nutrition educators worried that it would encourage overconsumption, be irrelevant to women who consume fewer calories, and permit overstatement of acceptable levels of “eat less” nutrients such as saturated fat and sodium. Instead, they proposed 2,000 calories as:
  • consistent with widely used food plans
  • close to the calorie requirements for postmenopausal women, the population group most prone to weight gain
  • a reasonably rounded-down value from 2,350 calories
  • easier to use than 2,350 and, therefore, a better tool for nutrition education
Whether a rounding down of nearly 20 percent is reasonable or not, the FDA ultimately viewed these arguments as persuasive. It agreed that 2,000 calories per day would be more likely to make it clear that people needed to tailor dietary recommendations to their own diets. The FDA wanted people to understand that they must adjust calorie intake according to age, sex, activity, and life stage. It addressed the adjustment problem by requiring the percent Daily Value footnote on food labels for diets of 2,000 and 2,500 calories per day, the range of average values reported in dietary intake surveys.”
HERE and HERE are sources. 

There you have it. If a person gets told to eat 1500 on a diet, that person will most likely eat 2000-ish because most people underestimate their calorie intake. The person will loose weight, and think he or she did because he/she ate 1500. If the calorie calculator was correct and said that the person needed 2000 to loose, the person would have eaten 2500 and maintained. Fuck, thats a crappy calorie calculator! A person with an eating disorder on the other hand… This person often overestimate their intakes to the extreme. 3000 calories is suddenly 2500, and 1200 is suddenly 800. The calorie calculators are not for people in recovery, healthy people, or just… people. No. Just no. Stay away and stop trying to find ”reasons” why you dont need to eat 2500-3000+ in recovery. 

Source X

Swedish food for hiking

I got asked in an email if i could make a post of some swedish food which would be good as she is going hiking (shes not from Sweden but shes going to hike here in Sweden). Food that is good to bring as snacks or to bring with you that is high density.
   As many want to know more about Swedish culture etc i thought it would also be a good oppertunity to make a post about it. But also foods that are more calorie dense and good to eat if you are away or doing alot of activity say on a sports day or going comping/hiking etc :)
  So im sure you can find products simliar to these in your stores :)

Ill begin with snacks!

Trail mix is KEY!! I always have a bag of trail mix with me whether im travelling, long car journey, lots of walking or just out in town (though i try to avoid eating nuts out in public due to allergies ;)). This is high in energy and perfect snacks to bring with you :) Buy bigger packs so they last!

Gainomax/protein drinks. You dont need to drink these just because you workout... they are simliar to Fortimel/supplement drinks so buy a few of these as they are easy to pack, last long and a good energy refiller :)

Protein bars - Just like protein drinks. A good way to get energy and even protein into you!

Questbars/bounch balls/atkins bars/gainomax bars/raw food bars - All good sources of energy and protein and simple to pack - however, these are all quite expensive. So pair them with some fruit, nuts and protein drinks!

Chocolate covered nuts  (So called Naturgodis) For when you get chocolate cravings or want something sweet! (otherwise pick and Mix or chocolate bars is good to pack with you :))

Flapjacks/sesame seed snaps - Good energy source :)

Bags of dried fruit - quick, easy to eat and simple to pack

Dried banana chips!

Bananas and fruit - quick to eat and its good to also get some 'fresh food' when you might need to eat alot of packaged foods.

Small packs of juice are also good ot bring with you :) unless of course you want soda or just water :)

Wasa sandwich (swedish thing) Its crisp bread with filling inbetween - good snack for on the go!

Risifrutti (i.e rispudding with jam) good for the first few day(s) as a snack

digestive biscuits - Or other biscuits :)

Cheesedoodles/crisps.... Because Yum?! Or root fruit chips which they have now begun selling here in Sweden!


Granola - i sometimes just eat a handful of this as a 'pre snack snack?!' at home. Alot better to eat granola if you are out and about and doing lots during the days :) Delicious as well (can pair with soy milk or soy yoghurt (which lasts longer than normal yoghurt!)

Brown/whole grain bread or crisp bread. Crisp bread is better to bring if you are hiking/away for more than 3 or 4 days. (If you buy the 'sports' ones they are more energy tight, so thats a better choice!)

Soy yoghurt for snacks and breakfast

Almond/soy milk

Cans of tuna or mackerel - perfect to bring with you (put mackerel on crips bread = delicious!)

Quorn products - if you have some type of way to heat them

Oats - if you can boil them... otherwise just as topping on soy yoghurt or with milk

Prepared meals .- if you can heat them? But they often crave microwaves.... Which im guessing you dont have when you're hiking?! :)

If you buy wraps or bagels they are good as lunch/dinner and maybe some pre sliced turkey/chicken/cheese.

There are lots of things you can bring with... everything from oat cookies to normal cookies, water, sausages, eggs (if you can cook them), oats, cereal, nuts, tinned food, canned beans, crisp bread, rice cakes, buns, beans etc etc :)
  This was what i could think of now and took swedish products!!!