Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Thoughts during my relapse

Some old posts from when i was relapsing:
  I thought it might be interesting to read as i know i have had many telling me that they are relapsing or in half recovery. But stay strong. Fight your ED. Dont be scared of the anxiety, that is something i have learned in recovery. That you have to face your fears head on... you cant let your ED control you.


No, things arent easy right now... theres a part of me which is fighting back, telling me that i shouldnt eat. That im too fat. that im everything wrong. everything horrible.
   And trying to ignore that voice, is like trying to ignore the fact that someone is throwing bricks at you.

But in the end.. you get used to it, and you ignore the pain. thats what im doing.


I can feel this bubble of unhappiness which sits inside me, and everytime i look at myself in the mirror, or jsut look down at my body, i get this overwhelming feeling of hatred.


But im fighting forward and trying to keep going. 
  for this week anyway.

I wont let Ana win, i wont let Ana take this week with my best friend away from me. But i cant promise that things will go forward when they're gone.
  Something has happened. Old memories have come back to me, and they're haunting me. Ana is back in my head.

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Its hard, to want to eat when all I want to do is lose weight. Its hard, to want to recover when everyone is, talking, about how fat they are. well look at me? Its hard to relax when everyone is up and moving and exercising. Its hard, to drink the energy drinks when I dont even feel small Its, hard to wake up in the morning and face my body. Its hard knowing that people think I'm an inspiration and look up to me when I fel like such a failure. Its hard pretending that things, are fine when I just want to break down, and cry. Its hard to lose weight. Its hard to smile when I can feel a lump in my throat. Its hard to listen to people saying, that they need to eat less that they need to gym more and lose weight. It feels like everyone has a, right to complain about their body - but me. It feels like everyones sick. loss of sick underweight people walk around, town looking small so why did I have, to go up in weight- and not them? I hate having the stress of mando. Can't eat to little. Can't exercise too much. I want to tone up my body. I feel like a, fat blob. I hate acting normal when I'm struggling, inside . I hate feeling fat. Its a struggle I'm fighting my self trying to carry on. But its, hard. I hate knowing that Ana, can still get such, a grip on me that it feels like choking. Gasping for air. Trying to see the light and positive, things But right now it feels like I'm falling. And its, hard, to pick my self up again. Save me from my self?
  

2 comments:

  1. Dear Izzy please help me...i used to do a lot of exercise while restricting (not really restricting, i ate around 2000-2200 a day but considering the sports i did...). Now since a few days IFEEL TIRED ALL THE TIME!!! :-( i often go to bed at 2pm! and before i just ATE AND ATE AND ATE.....did you ever expierience such heavy tiredness???

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    Replies
    1. Its most probably because your body is so tired... your body has just been working and working with no rest, and its just been broken down and now its saying NO. That it needs energy... hence why you are feeling super hungry, and can end up eating lots.
      This is your bodies way of saying enough is enough. It wants rest and energy.

      So you need to listen to your body, DONT do any exercise for 1-2 weeks. And when you do exercise again, begin slowly.And also eat MORE and enough. Your body needs it.

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