Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Monday, June 23, 2014

My relationship with my sister

What are some similarities and differences between you and your sister? Did she ever feel upset that you received more attention at times given your history of cystic fibrosis and anorexia? How is your relationship with her?

I know my sister reads my blog (^_^) so i cant be too mean!! haha 
   But lets start from the beginning.... as i have CF i spent alot of time in hospital and alot of time with my mum and my sister of course found this very difficult (what my mum has said anyway) as my sister was 1,5 years and had had our mum and dad all to herself, and suddenly i came along and our mum couldnt spend as much time with her.
  Also, my mum told me that when she would breastfeed me she would have to sit on a chair on a table as my sister would get very jealous and would throw books at her (Hahahah, sorry for telling this story! XD).
  But i wasnt the best little sister either... i got jealous at times as well.. one Christmas when my sister got this barbie bed which i also wanted i got so jealous that i sat on the  barbie bed (a toy one) and broke it... hahaha, If i couldnt have the barbie bed, then she couldnt either!




Growing up together, we argued like sisters do.... we had both shouting arguments as well as physical ones... i was the one who would bite and she would throw things...  But in a matter of an hour we would be fine again.
  Actually my sister has been one of the only people who could make me smile even when i havent wanted to... not even my friends can do this. If i am angry and in a mood, my sister is the only one who can make me laugh....
   We've had alot of good times growing up together, there is only 1,5 years in between us so we are close, but at the same time have our own personal lives. When we were younger we had the same friends and spent more time together.
   
And then when i got diagnosed with anorexia... i had been sick for about 2+ years before i got diagnosed, and my sister was the one who noticed i wasnt eating much at home and she was the one who first noticed and heard when i was purging, though i had kept it a secret for 6+ months before anyone noticed anything.
   When i was diagnosed she didnt quite understand it... or more. she didnt know how to behave around me.  I would sit at the table and just move the food around on the plate, trying to find an excuse to not eat.. and when i did eat i would run to the bathroom and lock myself away.
   She didnt quite understand how i no longer ate junk food - how i no longer at food at all. I spent barely any time at school as i didnt have the energy for it. My sister had to keep living life, she spent alot of time on her own as i had doctors appointments several times a week and my mum had to keep watch on me all the time... and when my mum worked during the evenings it was my sisters job to take care of me. 
   There were alot of arguments during this time and my relationship with my sister became more and more distanced.






 As she told me in afterhand, she didnt like seeing me the way i was... the way i sat in the car for an hour crying because my mum wanted me to eat an ice cream. The way i locked myself away and how i was slowly dissappearing, and there was nothing she could do about it. I was no longer her babysister, it was like i was someone else... and she couldnt reach out to help me. She could just watch.

Then when we moved to Sweden, it was just me and my mum in the beginning. My sister already had a ticket booked for Sweden - as she was going to spend a few weeks on holiday there, but we made the decision to move permanently. So first it was me and my mum, and a few weeks later my sister packed all her things and instead of a holiday visit, it became a permanent stay in Sweden.
   It was tough for both my mum and sister, as we had no place to stay so they had to keep moving their things all the while that i was an inpatient at Mando.
  My sister had to change her life, say bye to her friends, and adapt to a new school, a new way of living... all the while not having any solid place to stay. My mum was busy trying to fix things for me, fix a place to live, fix money, fix insurances and care etc So my sister basically had to once again stand on her own two feet, find a way to cope on her own.

I am actually surprised at how well my sister has coped and handled things all her life.. because yes, Ive been the problem child. Ive gotten all the attention my whole life... hospital appointment after hospital appointment, surgery after surgery, problem after problem... all the while, my sister has also had her own problems and things going on in her life. Though of course, my parents have ALWAYS been there for her and are very caring for both of us. They have NEVER neglected my sister.

So... onto our relationship... while i was sick and spent most of my time at Mando. Our relationship was very shaky... my sister came to visit me at Mando, which i am ever grateful for because without visitors the time there is never ending. She offered to go out to cafes with me or just sit outside if that was what i wanted.
   Things were very different when i was a daypatient. She saw how much i was cheating, how i had my mum wrapped around my little finger. Not eating enough, exercising, lying, not doing anything right... and my sister just wanted me to get ebtter. But i was getting worse.
  But also, all the mood swings i had. I said some of the most awful things imagineable when i was sick... i knew Exactly what to say to hurt the people around me. And in times of anger and arguments i said alot of hurtful things to my sister, which lead to us not talking for a few days.
  I always felt so guilty, that was one of the reasons i tried commiting suicide, i hated the way i was living. I saw no way out of it, but also I felt so guilty for what i was putting my family through. I didnt think i would get better, so i thought it would be better if i was dead... so my family, and especially my sister wouldnt have to see me anymore. They wouldnt have to constantly change their life to try to help me...


At times i found it difficult to be around my sister as she was active, went to the gym yet ate less than me... which triggered me alot. But also, sometimes she wanted to eat dinnner at like 5pm, but that didnt work for me and my meal plan so i would stand there are shout and scream and cry... refuse to eat because it was an hour earlier than usual.... It often resulted in me not eating at all.

Me and my sister had our arguments and it was tough when i was sick. But my sister Was my role model and inspiration to recover. Something i havent personally told her, but i guess if she reads my blog she will know that. 
  I saw how she lived her life, how she ate what she wanted to, when she wanted to. She had friends, a boyfriend, went to parties and school... That was what i wanted. I wanted to be normal and healthy, and ive always though my sister has a great body. 
  So she inspired me to recover!!! She was the person i wanted to be. 
Infact one of the things i cant understand is when my sister says she thinks/feels ugly... or that she doesnt like her life. And i get it, most people feel this way - but i look at her and think she is so pretty, and cant understand how she cant see that herself? haha

My relationship with my sister now is good... she recently moved back home - into our apartment so all 4 of us living together now. And at first i was worried, thought it wouldnt work. But its fine as we are more mature now and dont argue so much (like 2% of the time!!). We both have our lives and do our own thing, so its just during the evenings and dinner that the family spend time together.
  My sister and I are now looking at apartments so that we can move in together as we've figgured that it would work and that its better to live together so its cheaper!!

Ouur similarities and differences? People say we look alike, but i dont think so... I think we are quite different actually. haha
  She is alot into fashion, hair, nails... politics!!! And im into my sports clothes, exercise, blogging etc :) hahaha
  But im getting her more into exercise & fitness as ive been her PT (and she has made HUGE improvements!! Im so proud of her!! XD) and she is trying to teach me politics! haha
  She is an evening/night person, and im a morning person.... she likes spending time with people and talking about whats going on in her life and head, while i am very drawn back. Prefer to spend time on my own and rarely say a word about whats happening in my life or head...
  But just because your sisters doesnt mean you are alike... we are still sisters, and i think its because we are so opposite that we get along so well!! :)



Very long post, dont think anyone has bothered to read it all :) But of course, feel free to ask more about myself or other things etc
  And i am working through the other post topics & questions :)

13 comments:

  1. This post reminds me exactly of my relationship with my sister during the disordered days of my life. We were so distanced, it was truly horrible. But now we have a stronger relationship and would defend each other to the death! So good things came out of hard times. I'm glad you and your sis are growing closer!!!

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    1. Im glad to hear this, and exactly, good times can come after bad times!!! :)

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  2. låter som mig och min syster också :) vi har två år skilnad och jag är också så ledsen över all ilska och uppmärksamhet jag satt på min familj, är evigt tacksam för att de orkat igenom sjukdomen med mig. Tänk att vi har sådan tur att ha så fin familj med oss <3
    Kram, jättefint skrivet Izzy.

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  3. great post! me and my sister are very different as well but moved together for a year whilst studying. turned out very well actually and you can be more yourself than with a friend. based on my experience i highly recommend moving together to safe money :)

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    1. Yeah i think it would work out well if we moved in together.. because we know how each other behaves, and its not weird if say im really grumpy in the morning, i know iw ouldnt offend my sister!

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  4. I love this post, this is beyond sweet! If I was your sister, I would be really proud of what you have achieved Izzy :-) I have always want a sister but all I have is a younger brother! I like him, but a brother is just different from having a sister - a girl's closest girlfriend :-)
    I think you and your sister look quite different (but equally lovely!), and I don't think you don't like talking about your life - at least not from reading your blog! Haha ;-)
    J

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    1. Thank you!! :) haah yes, a brother isnt the same as a sister!

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    2. Actually thats why i still have my blog, because i dont talk about my life and feelings to my family, or anyone around me... i find it easier to write rather than talking. But of course because i have so many readers i do write more about my life etc
      But i dont write so much about how im feeling, my thoughts etc... its hard to do that anymore.

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    3. I understand - I am that sort of person that cannot verbally express my feelings to others too, that's why I write diaries. I think as you've already recovered, and are having more readers, it could be hard to write many personal feelings...but I like how you are still being honest and genuine in this blog! I know sometimes you deleted 'negative posts' that you wrote when you were upset...but I actually like those posts! They show that you are still 'human' - everyone has ups & downs. And that gives a chance for us readers to encourage you - instead of you always being the one who cheers everyone up! I love how we could help each other out in different ways :) J

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  5. It was interesting to read. Nothing beats the family:)

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  6. Thank you for writing this! When I was in high school, my sister (who is three years younger) became anorexic and it made me furious that 1) I couldn't help her because she would refuse and say mean things to me and 2) I tried telling my mom but she didn't believe me and said something like "I'll be the mom!" which made me be quiet about the issue. It took my sister going to the hospital with severe anemia to possibly need a blood transfusion before my mom realized; I was in disbelief when she told me, "How come I didn't know about this?" After that, my sister and I became very close. My younger sister has also been a role model for me to recover from my anorexia because I see how much she enjoys life and sees beauty in her body because she simply exists.
    Thanks again for sharing.

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