Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Sunday, June 1, 2014

My life with cystic fibrosis

I might no longer have anorexia.or depression etc But something i will always have and live with is Cystic fibrosis. It's a life threatening illness, which i was born with and will always live with.
  I really don't write so much about CF as it's not something I think about so much..... sometimes it feels like everyone takes the same amount of pills as i do. Or that everyone takes inhalers and nebulisers,  or that everyone has it hard to breathe (imaging trying to take a really deep breathe but you get caught off half way, so sit there almost hyperventilating trying to take a deep breath. )
   But i know everyone isn't like that.... But to me, it's so normal, it's normal to feel like I can't breathe. So its like i dont even think about that i have an illness.

^^ This is just for breakfast, i take alot more through the day, and then at the evening as well.

My eating disorder and depression was definitely caused by my CF in some ways.  For me, I felt I couldn't control my CF. I couldn't control when i became sick or how long I would be sick. I had to take all these pills, go to doctors appointments and do all these things I didn't want to do. I felt like I had no control. But also when i was around 11-12 i found out that people who have CF the average life is between 35-40 years. But also its alot harder to get pregnant and all these other things like CF related diabetes,  lung transplants etc could all be in my future because I had this illness which i hated. It was then that my ED started to begin (for other reasons aswell.) and also i began to be depressed. So i began to rebel, i wanted to be normal so I stopped taking my medicines and inhalers. This of course had the opposite result as i just became more sick. And as I wasn't eating enough my body couldn't fight infections, so I became. more sick, spent more time in hospital.  Lost more weight, ate less etc all because I wanted  to try to be more normal.
  My mum knew I was rebelling because of my CF and she suggested I talk to someone but that never worked.

While i was younger, everyone knew me as the girl with CF. It was like i got treated differently and specially because i had an illness, like everyone expected me to get low grades because i didnt spend so much time in school. Or didnt think i could join the football team, but something which i have learnt from my mum, is that nothing can stop me.
  I am no different from anyone else, even if i have an illness. Sure, i might spend more time in hospital, be sick more often and i have to avoid things like sharing drinks, being in large crowded areas and really i should avoid dusty areas and people who are sick. I will always have to take medicines, but in the end none of that can stop me from reaching my goals. 

As i have grown up i have learnt to take care of my CF, not just deny that i have a problem, because ive done that and that didnt lead to good results. Instead, if i take all my medicines,do all my treatments it means i spend less time in hospital. Also, as i eat so healthy & lots of food, i exercise alot and run/powerwalk which is great for my lungs (a necessity really) and i try to go for herbal medicines as much as possible, and avoid antibiotics as often as i can. This all leads to 99% health.
  Infact, my sister gets more sick than me!

How does CF affect me in everyday life? Like i said, not so much... i dont even think about it, apart from the times when i cant breathe. And there are times when i have to take a day or two off school (even though i hate doing this) so that i can focus more on my CF care, as because i have such long days in school, i cant always do the proper treatment.

I havent told any of my friends in the school i go to that i have CF. I guess i should really, but i just dont know how. But also i dont want them to look at me differently, though i know they wouldnt as one of my friends in my circle of friends has diabetes, so nobody judges or any of that. But its more, i dont know how or when to tell them!! haha XD

I also got asked about how CF affected my recovery.... it feels like i could write a long post about it in another post, but i guess ill write a little about it now instead.

Well, as i have CF i needed a very high food intake... usually when you begin at Mando you get  a very low meal plan to begin with, to get used to eating... (like seriously low, a lunch consisted of like 40g meat, 1 potatoe and a little sauce, and a snack would be either 2 biscuits or a little yoghurt pot.) But me..... my first meal plan started at around 2000kcal or something, and over the next few months it kept increasing as i didnt really gain weight so that i was eating around 3500kcal a day with no exercise, and only gaining 0,5kg or less a week.
  But also i lost weight so easily... what i gained in several weeks i could lose in a week again... One week when i spent at home -didnt go to Mando (was a day patient) i think i lost 5kg in a week. Which is RIDICULOUS. I dont even understand how it is physically possible to lose that amount... but i think it was also water weight, as i had been spending weeks at Mando, and then suddenly home again and not eating and several hours exercise.
   But also because i have CF, having such a low weight made put me in an even more critical state. My body has it hard enough functioning as it is, just breathing requires alot of energy. But also, it is very unhealthy for someone to not have alot of fat on their body, but when someone with CF has very little fat on their body it makes it even worse.
   As i have CF my body requires alot of energy, but also has it harder to absorb energy, mainly fat (that is why i eat so many nuts and seeds each day ;)).
  While i was so underweight i often caught colds, and for the most part of my time at Mando i was on antibiotics... take them for 2 weeks, be off them 2 weeks only to start taking them again. And since summer 2012 or something, ive only take antibiotics twice i think.... Which even the doctors think is crazy.... But i guess my healthy lifestyle is to thank for my awesome health ;)

Having CF made my recovery even harder in someways as it was so hard to gain wieght, and so easy to lose weight. But also my CF doctors were trying to help me the same time as Mando was trying to help me, and then also therapists... and at one point i had so many different doctors everywhere that i was going crazy... 

I feel like this post could stretch on forever... 

Sometimes i find myself feeling very negative and low about the fact that i have CF. And think its unfair.... but as i am most of the time a positivist and dont like looking at the negatives, i try to see it as, this is part of who i am. Making me the person i am. 

I dont have the worst case of CF, but still... i have it. It affects me in many ways, but i still like showing that, nothing can stop me. I can still run a marathon if i want to (and i know many other CF'ers can as well!). I can still travel (as before that wasnt reccommended) and i can do pretty mucha nything i want... go to concerts, share water with people (YOLO??)... but basically i am not going to let it stop me.

In the future i definitely want to raise more awareness about CF, as i think there should be more fundraising to find a cure. They are working on gene therapy at the moment, but as far as i know there wont be any miracle cure for my type of mutation :( I have the rarer type of mutuation.
  Cf isnt actually that common - i always thought it was? But i think Sweden, Ireland and England are the countries with the most people who have it. And Sweden is one of the best countries for CF care, so i am glad that i live in Sweden anyway!

I think by writing more about my CF, i can make more awareness of it. Ive actually had readers email me and tell me that they have also had CF and anorexia... (that really isnt strange, that people with CF develop eating disorders as they have such a pressure to eat. It can actually lead to binge eating & bulimia as well, because they feel they need to eat so much etc etc)

But now im going to leave this post at this... and say If you have any questions Feel Free to ask!!! Its just fun to answer :;)


  1. What is your life expectancy? Is it possible to live a long life with CF?

    1. What kind of question is that? "life expectancy" really? Sorry, but that comment upset me very much! Live life like tomorow is your last day, as I like to say. We're all going to die some day. Just because there is set a certain age for "healthy" people, doesn't mean that we cant have longer or shorter lives than that. Life is full of surprises. I'm sorry if I'm being rude, but like I said your comment really upset me.

    2. Hello,
      well its hard to say what my life expectancy is... as i mean i could die tomorrow in a car crash for all i know. And i dont like to think so negatively. But because i live such a healthy lfiestyle, i am pretty sure i will live a long life. Maybe not as long as the average person, but who knows? Maybe i will!
      And to the second anon, i know what you mean but i dont personally get offended... as i know someone with CF does have a shorter life expåectancy, but then again... there is so much you cant control in life, and when you die is not something you can contrl.

    3. I just read about a woman at least 76 years old with it. :) I was diagnosed with retinitis pigmentosa and two other related eye conditions. I was anorexic and bulimic, but now recovered for some years. I'm legally blind, and may go completely blind, but I find it helps not to think too much about it, and to trust that God has a plan for my life. I know there is no comparing conditions or anything, and I don't mean to preach at you.
      I appreciate your attitude and maturity in dealing with this. Recently ran across this blog and was randomly reading a few posts. Hope you are staying encouraged! :)