Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Sunday, June 29, 2014

Everyone else is exercising, so why cant i?

Something which ive noticed more and more, is that people who are recovering from an eating disorder are turning to exercise Way to early.
   And this isnt healthy... For me, i wasnt allowed to exercise until i was 2-4kg away from my goal weight. And then it was light and moderate exercise that was key. No long runs, no heavy weight lifting, no extreme exercise.. light exercise like walking, swimming for 30 minutes, a jog for 30 minutes etc

The type of thinking like Im just gaining fat... im just going to be fat when ive reached my goal weight, 'normal' people and others recovering and exercising. I want muscle, instead of fat.
   I also have people emailing me asking how they can gain muscle and no fat...

And i just want to hug you all... this type of thinking is SO wrong. You have to realise that you are underweight... even if it might not feel like it, you might feel huge, or fat or whatever when you look in the mirror. But that ISNT true.
   You are NOT going from normal weight to over weight, then yes... gaining fat might not be optimal. But you are going from underweight to a healthy weight. And you arent just gaining fat, if thats what you think... your bones are getting stronger, your hair and nails are growing, your organs are repairing themselves, your muscles becoming stronger - even if you might not physically be working them, your muscles are getting energy. Water weight, bone density, a little fat which redistributes itsself, muscle, organs etc...
  No its not just fat you are gaining.

And no, you cant just gain muscle mass without putting on a little fat. Unless you have super help frmo a PT who knows perfectly what they are doing.
  But also, from what i have read from many people emailing me.... those of you who email me wanting to gain muscle, arent actually eating enough for it. Eating low calories while exercising lots and hoping for muscle gain isnt how it works. For me, i had to eat lots more, cut out most cardio and focus on HEAVY weights & of course 1-2 rest days a week for best recovery for my muscles.
But you need to ask yourself... do you just want to build muscle so that you weigh more on the scale? Thats another way of cheating the scale.
   You can try to lie your way to a healthy weight, But you cant trick your body. If you have muscles and very little fat procent, and have a 'healthy' weight because of your muscles... your body knows better. You might not get your period if you are a girl... granted, guys can have a much lower fat procent and more muscles without being unhealthy. But for females, we NEED a certain fat procent. Its healthy... there is nothing wrong with it.
   To have some tummy rolls or fat you can 'pinch' there is nothing wrong with that.

And i KNOW it can seem awful that girls and guys on IG and other social media sites are supposedly recovering but seem to do a hellalot of exercise, running several times a week and eating salad and veggies... Ive been there... in BOTH situations. The girl jealous of everyone else in recovery who was thinner than me exercising, but also been the girl running 7 days a week and eating salad while supposedly recovering.
  But i LEARNT my lesson... i realised what i was doing was wrong. But also, its left me with hip, knee and lowerback pain from all the exercise i was doing.
You need to realise that you arent going to turn fat just because you arent exercising. Infact, its healthier for you to wait until you reach your healthy weight to begin exercising - if thats what you want. Not everyone likes exercise, and thats perfectly fine aswell :)
  But when you are a healthy weight, your body will have more energy. It will have the proper fuel and energy for your workouts. It wont break down muscles to try to fuel your exercise. But also, you will nourish yourself better as well. Your body wont fight against you, or be under loads of pressure to try to repair itsself. It will feel and be healthy.
Also, there is a consequence if you  are a girl that too much exercise while recovering can lead to amenorrhea as your body is under so much stress from both trying to recover, and all the stress from exercise.
  And the longer your period is gone for, the less likely it is to come back..... so think of that. Many of the girls you see on IG who are exercising all the time, can actually be infertile as they have damaged themselves so much.
While i was sick, i had no interest for guys, sex or any of that.. and said that i would rather be infertile than have to eat or stop exercising. Now of course i am VERY happy that my body is healthy and functioning properly!

Here are some links to posts and information that might help you/inform you:


  1. I'm also experiencing knee pain because I started exercising too early. How did your knee hurt and when did the pain go away? Did you see a doctor and receive special treatment? Thank you for this post:)

    1. My knee pain was an overstrain of my knees/ligaments but also because i put a weird pressure on my hips and knees as i did so much standing... but not stnading with proper posture. And then all the walking and running i did in the wrong shoes.
      The more i rested and stopped running so much helped alot. And then when i did begin running i had the proper shoes...
      i can still get knee and hip pain which stops me from running long distance, but otherwise its alot better than before :) And im glad i never got any serious problems from my overexercising :)

  2. thank you ever so much for this post. I realized that I may have wanted to gain muscle to trick my clinic....which is so bad. its just annoying when people are allowed to go to gym and I doesn't seem fair.
    also, I suppose that being 7 to 8kg away from my goal weight is quite a lot. I mean, I don't see why theres that much to gain. I don't feel thin:/
    this post was ever so helpful, thank you!!!

    1. I know it sucks that others can go to the gym and you cant. But someday you will be allowed... as long as you have balance.
      You might not feel thin, but the doctors wouldnt make you gain weight which you dont need. So listen to them, and gain those 7-8kg... it will make you feel better physically and mentally. Fight the thoughts in your head!!!

  3. Hey,
    I am 2 kilos away from my weight goal but I have terrible knee pain. I am going to the gym 3 per week but I was a professional athlete,My body is about to collapse. I am going to the gym just so I give a signal to my muscles. Should I do lower body workout? I just can't stop , I will feel very bad if I stop because it something that gives me energy.its already hard for me