Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Too many days were spent hating myself, too many hours spent infront of the mirror critisizing every detail about me, too many hours forcing myself to exercise until exhaustion - hating every moment of it, too many scars were marked on my skin, too many times spent hunched over the toilet bowl, too many times filled with anxiety, panic and guilt. Too many special occasions ruined because of me, too many events declined due to food, too many nights spent crying myself to sleep. Too many nights spent in hospital beds, all alone.

Too much of my life was spent on an eating disorder, doing things i hated... harming myself every way possible. I burnt myself, i cut myself, i exercised until i fainted, i purged until tears rolled down my face, i said the most horrible, spiteful things to myself and others around me. My head was filled with negative thoughts, panic and anxiety.

All for what? To be skinny... to try to feel some type of happiness. To try to make myself feel perfect. I wanted to fill sometype of hole, by just making the hole bigger. I wanted to feel control, but all i was doing was giving up control. I was just falling farther and farther.

An eating disorder is NOT a lifestyle, it should NOT be a choice. 

I get so sad when i read all these messages and comments and other things where young girls & guys are struggling, or encouraging others to not eat, to lose more weight.
   All i wantt o do is hug each and every one of you. Whether you are struggling, or have struggled. I want to help you all, i really wish i could just snap my fingers and nobody would have to deal with an eating disorder anymore, but it doesnt work that way. Infact it feels like more and more people are becoming sick. :/

And the fact is, having an ED, is a living nightmare... it was torture everyday while i was sick. Having all the negative thoughts in my head, the fears, guilt, anxiety always there. Its like having a 100kg weighing on your shoulders, standing undera  dark rain cloud and its just raining on you, and at the same time you are gasping for breath and disappearing, and nobody really seems to notice... some people stare, give you a glance, but all they see is a girl/guy standing there, but you are literally drowning from all the thoughts in your head, all the dark, anxiety pulling you under.

^^That was the best way i could describe an ED and depression.

Please dont choose this, fight for heatlh and recovery. Because you know what, i HAVE gained more than 20kg from my lowest weight, but that doesnt matter. Because you know what i gained?
  I gained life, happiness, freedom, friends, food, my FUTURE!!!!

I know longer have to worry about waking up tomorrow, because chances are... i will. I know i will. While i was sick, i gladly would have died in my sleep and i was close to it. My body was barely keeping me alive, my mind fighting me all the time. My body just wanted food and energy, but my mind just said no.

Thinka about your future... your life and what you are giving up and missing out on. I have missed so much due to me spending so many years sick, but now... i dont let chances slip me by. I enjoy living, i enjoy life. All these small thigns mean alot to me.

I wish i could make you all see how beautiful life is, how you shouldnt be fighting yourself. Ask yourself WHY you are so scared of gaining weight, being happy and healthy? Why is it so scary? Why cant you recover?

You need to fight the voices in your head. Its tough, but its worth it. I wouldnt lie about this.

Recovery is the best choice i made in life, because it Gave me life. If i hadnt chosen recovery, there is like a 50% chance that i wouldnt even be alive today then.


  1. This is the kind of post that helps me the most! But they also trigger in a way. First, I look at the pics and think -Wow, I want to be that thin!!! It looks like u had a BMI of like 14.0- 15.0 in that picture... I never got lower than 16.1!

    Then I read your text and feel so dum. Why is weightloss more important to me than meeting friends and going to parties?

  2. Izzy, I do love you but I just can't believe you gained more than 20 kg from your lowest weight! I look at that black and white pic and you probably have 10 kg the most at the moment...

    Are you really sure about what are you saying ?

    luv, Irina