Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Thursday, May 29, 2014

Answer (repost)

How did your family react when you were sent again to the hospital after trying to overdose? I mean, how did they treat you, what did you have to go through after that? Did things get better? I guess I'm asking for specifics because I am there now... Everyone thinks I'm crazy for doing what I do. I don't deserve to live. I feel so much guilt because they don't have the money to keep me here and they shouldn't have to spend their money on me when they could be doing better things with it. They treat me like I'm fragile, and I hate it. They treat me like you would treat a scared animal, and I hate it. I don't want to be weak. I'm not weak. I'm strong. They can't take that away from me.
I guess I just want someone to understand, and it seems like you do. You've been where I am, and I just want to know that it's normal for them to treat me like I'm toxic and I want to know it's normal what I'm going through. I want to stop feeling like a burden and a freak.


I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time at the moment. But know that it is possible to get better.
   
My mum knew i was depressed, she knew how much i was struggling, but it was almost like she had given up on me at that point. She felt that she couldn't deal with me anymore, that she wanted me to just be at Mando. To get better before i was allowed home. That was one reason why i felt so awful, because i knew that i wasn't getting better. And i was letting everyone down.
  But when i had overdosed, it was like she realised how sick i really was, and that something had to change. That what was being done, wasn't enough. 
  I was still a patient at Mando at the time, but once they heard that i had overdosed, they told me that i wasn't allowed to be a patient there. That i should be moved to a psychiatric ward. But my mum knew that that wouldn't help me... I had already been in a psychiatric ward, and that was the reason we moved to Sweden, because the care there wasn't helping me at all.
  So my mum took loads of control, and really began to support me. To help me in any way she could... but at the time, that was just to keep me at Mando, and to keep me safe from myself.
  
It took a long time before it got better, infact, i just got worse from that point on. Because i then planned my next attempt at suicide. After my OD, i was on complete lock down. I had been an inpatient at Mando at the time, but i was slowly progressing to be allowed home - even if i wasnt getting better.
  But then suddenly i was back at stage 0. Where all the staff had their eyes on me. I was in a wheelchair. I wasn't allowed to be on my own at all. And i just felt i couldn't cope with that anymore, that had been the reason i had tried to take my life in the first place...
  so anyway... long story short. It got alot worse before it got better. 

But finally, i hit rock bottom. Physically and mentally. I had continued to lose weight, and mentally and physically i was at my worst point and i realised, i couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't be sick... that being sick was worse than atleast trying to recover.
  One of my motivation/reasons to recover was my sister. She had the life i wanted... she went to school. SHe had a group of friends, a boyfriend. She went to parties. She had fun, she ate when she wanted to, without guilt. She was pretty, happy and loved living life (and of course still is!!) She she motivated me (even if she didnt, and still doesnt know it) to recover.

At the time, no one could understand why i did what i did. Of course they understood i was depressed and very sick. But if you haven't had an ED or been depressed, it is very hard to understand why someone would self harm or try to end their life.
   
My mum is the only one who knew about my OD. My sister was away that weekend, so my mum decided not to tell her, and she never told my dad either as she knew that he would freak out and demand that i move back to Ireland, even though that wouldn't have helped me at all.

Its understandable how your family are acting around you.. i mean, they might not be able to understand why you did what you did. And they don't want to be the one to push you over the edge again. So they are being careful around you. Because you do have to understand that you are fragile, mentally and physically... even if you tell yourself that you are not.
   You don't always need to be the strong one. The one who doesn't need any help. Sometimes all you need to do is to accept the help - which is something that took a very long time for me to learn. But that is what is needed in recovery .To accept the help, and to stop telling yourself that you are not sick, or not worth help.
  Because you are worth help. And sometimes what you need to do is to admit that you actually need help, and that you are not strong. 
  That is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you are taking your own health seriously. That you are brave, courageous... doing something that scares you.

It is normal what you are going through, but it is also normal for your family to react that way around you. They dont know what else to do.

If the way your family are acting around you bothers you, then talk to them. But do try to accept the help you are getting at hospital, because you do need it. And you are not going to feel better, if you just do everything wrong and push everyone away.
  Things do get better, i promise you that, but you have to be the one who wants things to get better. Things dont just magically change, you have to make the change for the better. You can't sit and hope that magically something will make everything better.

Please remember, that it is not strength to commit suicide or to push everyone away. Strength is admitting that you are weak, to actually admit that you have fears or need help.

If you need any help or have any more questions, you can ask me, or email me. 
  I am here to help if you need it, or just someone to rant to, or someone to understand what you are going through.

3 comments:

  1. hi izzy,
    could you please tell me which bmi you needed to be declared healthy?

    i struggled from underweight to 19.x. i can not gain more, my body just won't gain, no matter what i do. i am scared that my rather low bmi would make a relapse easier.
    i know the bmi is just a number, but at the moment everybody stresses, asks if i lost weight again, that i should eat more et cetera even though i eat extra dessert or ice cream or so to get more calories in. nobody seems to see the progress i make and everybody just expects me to get back to the weight I had before anorexia (bmi of about 22).

    thanks for you answer,
    marina

    ReplyDelete
  2. Do your dad and sister know about the OD now?

    ReplyDelete