Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Bonfire and friends!

Hello all my lovely readers :) I am sorry for the lack of posts today, I just haven't had the time to write.
   Today I spent the day getting work done as almost all of my assignments are due tomorrow or Friday - and then i still have others to focus on. So the stress won't be gone.
   Then at 4 pm i began getting ready as i was going to meet my friends and we were going to barbecue and then go to a bonfire.
   I met all my friends at the station 12 of us in total and we made our way to our friend house. She had loads of yummy snacks available.
   Then they began with the food - they were grilling sausages, but as i neither eat meat sausages or vegetarian sausages i had brought my own food with me.
   Then we made our way to the bonfire where we were for about an hour in total. Then we went back to our friends house where we began eating the sweet stuff like chocolate, smores,  chocolate balls etc Super delicious :) we also danced in the kitchen to music! !
   All in all a really good evening -infact my stomach muscles and cheeks hurt so much from all the laughing!!! It feels so good to be with friends. It really is friends that make everything good!!! You can just laugh.
   Now however I'm super tired and im glad that tomorrow there's no school as i have quite alot of work to do..m and also sleep to catch up on!! :)

Brief guide to self care

SOURCE:ejlandsman:

Exercise is a great way for self care... however the 'exercise until muscle failure'... I dont agree. UInfact doing soemthing like yoga or running can be more therapeautic than working so hard you feel like puking - just to get rid of anxiety.
But also.... only use exercise as a self care/feel better thing if you DONT struggle with an exercise addiction!!!

Wednesday morning

Good morning, or maybe i should say good afternoon as its 12pm here in Sweden - so this is a late/scheduled post :)
    This morning i started my day with a walk with Daisy - best way to start the day! However its getting colder again :( Which sucks, so tonight when i go to the bonfire with friends i will have to wrap up warm!!
    And then i came home and ate my delicious breakfast - i never get tired of this combination!!! Its just so delicious :)


Egg white oatmeal, cinnamon, blueberries, cottage cheese, strawberry jam and peanuts!! Delicious, but super filling. Infact the past few days it feels like my stomach has shrunk... I cant seem to eat the same amounts that i was eating just last week? And im not as hungry either... or sometimes my head feels hungry... its like, 'i know i should eat now, because thats what i usuall do' but my body is still full? I dont like this feeling... its an uncomfortable fullness..... its not like a fullness which i choose? Im trying to keep eating the same amounts because well i love food! I love eating! Hahah.. having to cut down on food - just because my body is saying no, doesnt make me happy. :/
  And i dont even know why im feeling like this - im not feeling stressed - which often causes me to lose my apetite. No idea how long it will last, whether my stomach size has actually shrunk or if its something else. But i hope it doesnt last long because eating and food makes me happy :) :):)






Exercise addiction - not wanting to sit down.

As i said in a post a few days ago ive gotten some emails and questions about people not wanting to sit, or getting anxious after sitting for long periods of time.
   And i used to be the exact same way.... while i was sick, from the moment i got up - often around 5am until i got into bed around 11pm (but wouldnt fall asleep until later... a sick thing, i wouldnt let myself sleep), i wouldnt sit down. I would either be exercising or standing. I was soooo scared of sitting. I constantly wanted to burn calories, even if my legs were tired i would be standing on my 2 feet. It came to the stage where i didnt even know why i didnt want to sit down, i just knew that i couldnt and wouldnt.
   I avoided ever taking the train/bus with people i knew - because i didnt want to sit down. I wasnt allowed a door to my room at home - because of my exercise addiction so i would lock myself in the bathroom.
  Even at Mando, whenever i got the chance i would be up and exercising or standing.

This sounds crazy to many, and even crazy to me now.... Sitting, one of the most human things we do. The most natural things.
   We sit to eat, we sit and have meetings, we sit and have conversations wtih people, we sit in classrooms etc etc
  Though yes, there has come loads of new information about how sitting all the time isnt good. But this is a whole different thing - and i want to avoid talking about that as it could trigger many. But the fact is, you need to find the balance - when you are healthy.
  When you are healthy - at a healthy weight then you will be active during the days. Walking to and from class rooms, or at work. Maybe going shopping or walking a bus station. You might go to the gym, do yoga, dance, go for walks etc....
  Somedays you might do absaloutly nothing... just move from the bed, to the sofa and back to the bed. Thats ok, thats how some days are. But the majority of the time, you do have daily activity and even some exercise - which is reccommended. But that is a whole different story from when you are recovering.

When you are recovering and trying to gain weight, you want to avoid all extra activity/exercise. You are NOT being lazy by sitting and asking someone else to get you a glass of water... you're doing something helpful to YOUR health.
  You have to try to focus on your own goal, which is recovering and gaining weight. You are not overweight or lazy or fat... You are trying to recover from your eating disorder.
  Avoid TV shows/magazines/sites etc where they just talk about exercise because that wont help you. While i was recovering, i didnt follow any of those types of things, but in the past while the amount of fitspo IG's and Tumblrs has increased by like 200%... verywhere people talking about exericse. And yes it CAN be triggering, but you need to get some sort of distance from all of that.

So onto the anxiety over sitting. You need to ask yourself why you CANT sit down?
  What will happen? Will you gain weight ? Balloon up? No, you wont. And you wont gain weight just by sitting down, or not being active. Gaining weight is abiout what you eat... and if you need to gain weight then you need to eat MORE.
 
You need to face the anxiety over sitting down. Because the fact is, sitting down is part of our culture... when you are in school or work, thats what you do. And its OK!!
  You need to face the voice in your head that says you cant sit down.... face the anxiety and panic involved.

My tip is to basically take it in 30-60 minute intervals to begin with. After EVERY meal, make sure you rest and sit 30-60 minutes... NO fidgeting. NO tapping of feet. NO muscle tension... just relaxing. And afterwards NO compensation.
  ^^ None of those things will help you.
Read a book, watch a series, watch a film etc

Then, try sitting/resting both BEFORE AND AFTER a meal. Do something calm and gets your mind off of the voices in your head.
  Spend time with friends and family, they are your EDs worst enemies!! Sit and talk with them.

You need to constantly go against the voice in your head. DONT eat less and DONT exercise more just because you sit and relax more during the days. Its ok to do that.

While i was sick i avoided friends and family, anything that meant that i couldnt exercise or meant that i had to eat. But some of those things which i absaloutly feared and hated i love now!
  •   Like sitting in cafes and talking for hours!! Thats the best thing i know.
  • Going to the cinema!!! :)
  • Going to a library, sitting there for a few hours and studying with friends! (Ok, studying isnt that fun, but just being there with friends, half studying!!!)
  • Picnics!!!
  • Lying in bed and watching a film :)
And just like i like those things, i also love running, walking, exercising. But i have a balance of the two!! And tthats the important thing!!

This post was actually really hard to write.... Because i cant really remember how i got rid of my obsession with standing... or i think it was mainly because i was an inpatient and i couldnt exericse or stand. But then when i did get permission home, i was supervised and also i realised standing all the time isnt normal.
  I am a very restless person and do have lots of energy - which can be hard at times when all i want to do is jump up, go running, do cartwheels (even though i cant do them) do headstands etc!!! But my family and friends are so used to that so they dont find it strange (especially not my family) if i suddenly just go and do a splits or something ;) hahahah

I know this post might not be so helpful, but hopefully it gets you fighting those thoughts in your head and makes your realise that its OK to sit down and relax. You arent doing anytihng wrong and you arent going to gain weight from that. Its a hard battle to recover, but you will be so much stronger afterwards!!










Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Tuesday

I guess i can say my weekend starts now, or something? haha
   Tomorrow its this day called Valborg.... and basically in the evening you light a bonfire... (symbolling something i guess, but i dont really know what and i dont feel like Googling it ;)) and we end at 1 tomorrow. But i only have one lesson in the morning, whether i plan to go to that lesson or not i will decided right before i go to bed :) hahaha
  and on Thursday because its the First of May we have no school... (once again, no idea why we dont have school that day) and then Friday we have this thing called a 'kl√§mdag' - no translation of it. Basically, if a Thursday is a day off then schools usually make the Friday an inset day or a teacher planning day so you get like a long weekend :)
   Im not complaining!! Tomorrow i plan to get all my work done and send it in, so i can get rid of this pressure on my shoulders :) 

Also maybe fully test my foam roller... ive used it a little, but want to do a full session with it :)

And tomorrow evening i also have plans - but i will write about that tomorrow !!! :)

So... today? 
  A long day in school.. with a little lunch :( :( and came home to a very silent... and still sick hosue. But my step dad and sister are both getting better (it was food poisioning, so i dont need to worry about getting sick anyway!!). As i said this morning, its my sisters birthday today, but as she is sickthere isnt so much celebrating... No cake either... :/ (hahah, was looking forward to cake!) But i gave her the presents i had bought her, which she liked :)

And then this weekend if she is better i think we will celebrate someway - not sure how! My sister and i might go out for drinks aswell or something!

And yes.. thats about my day!! Not so mcuh else to say :) Hope you have all had a good day, and now when i have this long weekend i will try reply to emails etc :)
^^I really miss New York!

Grilled tofu wraps

I found this recipe and thought it would be a great thing for lunch someday!! However you can change the tofu to chicken/salmon/turkey etc, and use regular cheese :)


Prep Time
15 min
Cook Time
15 min
Total Time
30 min
Ingredients
  1. Six medium-sized tortillas
  2. 1 large tomato, sliced
  3. 1/2 C. vegan cheese
  4. 4 green onions, diced (opt.)
For the scrambled tofu
  1. 19 oz. firm or extra-firm tofu
  2. 1/2 tsp. olive oil
  3. 2 tsp. soy sauce, or Bragg's liquid aminos
  4. 1 tsp. onion powder
  5. 1/4 tsp. garlic powder
  6. 1/4 tsp. turmeric
  7. 1 tsp. McKay's chicken style seasoning or 1/2 tsp. salt
  8. dash of cumin (opt.)
  9. dash of cayenne (opt.)
Instructions
  1. In a frying pan, mash the tofu. Add in the olive oil, soy sauce, onion powder, garlic powder, turmeric, McKay's chicken style seasoning or salt, cumin, and cayenne. Fry on high heat for about 10 minutes, or until most of the moisture has evaporated and tofu is golden brown.
  2. Lay six tortillas out on the counter in a row.
  3. Place 1/6th of the tofu mixture in the center of each one.
  4. Place one slice of tomato on top of the tofu in each tortilla.
  5. Drizzle vegan cheese over tomatoes.
  6. Sprinkle green onions over cheese (opt.)
  7. Fold tortilla into a square-shaped "package."
  8. Grill each side of each wrap in frying pan on medium heat for 1-3 minutes, or until golden brown.

Body love/appreciation

It feels like on the internet, and pretty much everywhere else there is so much about weightloss, dieting, changing your body. People not happy with the way they look. Looking for quick fixes, hating themselves. Harming themselves just to look a certain way. Comparing themselves to others and just never being happy... never loving themselves.

And the fact is, if you dont love yourself you will never feel truly happy. Because you will feel like you're not good enough, theres something mmissing. You arent as perfect as others, always somethign wrong with you. But thats not true. Because there isnt something wrong with you. Its all in your head. Its how you see yourself.
 
once you realise that you can change all those thoughts... all the negative and critical thoughts into positive ones where instead of looking for your flaws, you can look at yourself and smile. You might see small things which you arent happy about, but they dont bring your happines down, because you can look past them and see yourself as a whole. Not just that spot on your cheek, or the fact that you dont have a thigh gap etc.
   You are happy because you actually have a body, and a body that moves. That CAN function properly. Stop talking yourself down and harming yourself. Your body is like your temple. You cant change it, you will live in it forever. And what do you think harming it and hating it will do.... it wont bring you happiness anyway. No matter how much weight you lose or gain... until you find peace and happiness within your own skin you just wont be happy.

So i am going to start this post with some body positivity and body love!! Because i do love my body... not just the way i look. But what i can do. How i function properly, have all my legs, hands, toes and fingers. A brain that works. I can run, i can jump, i can laugh, i can cry, i can sleep, i can lift heavy things/weights. I have energy!! I can live life, and that is what i am happy for.
  I see my body and i smile, because i do really like the way i look. I dont feel the need to change anything on my body...Dont need to go up or down in weight. Dont need to go up or down in fat percent. Dont need to go or down in muscle. I am perfect just the way i am. Try telling yourself that - and truly believe it. And you will feel hella good!!! Its sort of empowering to tell yourself and believe it that you are perfect just the way you are!!!

So start this day... or even end this day (or both) with telling yourself that you are beautiful and perfect!! No negative thoughts allowed!!! We need to start loving ourselves, not hating ourselves!!!



 

The healthy version of intuitive eating

Found this article HERE and just had to share it! I found this blog and loved it, some great small posts :)

THE “HEALTHY VERSION” OF INTUITIVE EATING

There is none.
THERE IS NO “HEALTHY VERSION OF INTUITIVE EATING”. Don’t do it. It will backfire.
Wanna know why? Because what you are really saying is: I am going to try and, like, trust my body. But I, like, can’t ever really trust my body. Obviously, so I’m gonna like fake trust it and, like, listen to it but only let it eat, like…. healthy foods.
No!
Your body will know what you are doing. And the part of your mind that you think you are tricking will know what you are doing too!
You cannot do the healthy version of intuitive eating, because intuitive eating is the healthy version of eating.
And it is healthy, even if you are eating lots of brownies.
It is healthy because it is free and curious and pleasure based.
It is healthy because it takes your eating controls away from your mind, and gives them to your body.
It is healthy because even if you are craving foods that you decided before were “not healthy” (or that anyone would tell you are “not healthy”), letting go of fear of food is immensely important for mental health.
Mental health is immensely important for physical health.
Learning to trust your body is the healthiest thing you could do.
But not even that, the idea is to neutralize all foods. Cravings have less power when they are allowed. Irrational cravings do not exist when they are allowed. They become neutral.
Your body knows what it needs. Your body needs calories. And your body needs to know it can eat.
Intuitive Eating is not about eating the smallest amount possible. Or being “so in tune with your body” that you only need to eat celery and goat keifer and sunlight.
No, intuitive eating allows you to EAT. For God’s sake EATEat the things that nourish you and please you. The things that make your mouth water and that you only let yourself eat in your dreams.
That is the food your body is asking for.
And anyway, you’re never gonna really crave Kale til your body and mind both believe that it can also eat cake for dinner whenever it wants.
Fuck. IT.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Roller coaster of emotions

Today has been a day filled with lots of different emotions. My morning started with my test..... though it feels like a lifetime ago. Its very hard to know whether it went well or not, i answered all the questions, but whether i answered properly or not will be decided by the teacher - he is quite precise with how you are supposed to answer the questions.
  After that it was a visit to the gym as i had a long break until my next class. I have actually begun thinking alot about my goals with exercise... what i want etc But i might write about that in another post if anyone is interested.

Then i had my next lesson followed by another long break where i sat and worked on some assignments.
   Ive gotten asked about sitting... i.e getting anxiety when sitting long periods of times, and had people email me telling me that they find it difficult in school due to having to sit etc, and i know thsoe thoughts. I had the exact same ones when i was sick, so give me some time and i will try write a post for you :)

My last lesson we got to have outside!!! Wasnt much of a lesson though as everyone just sat and talked about other things ;) My energy levels went up and down during this class.... I felt i needed to eat, as it had been several hours since i last ate.
    When i got home my happy mood... or you know, the sun was shining, it was light outside and i wasnt feeling grumpy or tired, quickly turned when i got home. My sister and step dad have been away at my step dads - dads place, and have now both gotten a stomach bug. Last night all i heard was throwing up - didnt sleep much. And today its like the house just feels like a sick house. I can say that i am scaredo f getting ssick... even a small cold. Nope. Thats not happening. I dont have time for it. I dont want to lie in bed all day, missing out on school and other things. So i try to avoid getting sick at all cost.
   So i quickly locked myself in my room... however i feel so uncomfortable going into the kitchen or anywhere else in the house... i really dont want to catch whatever they have.
    And i started feeling trapped... locked inside my room. And i just wanted to run somewhere... no idea where, but somewhere. All these panic and anxiety feelings inside of me.... and finally i just had to sit on the ground and remind myself to breathe. No idea why all those feelings and thoughts popped up, but i think it was due to my sleepless night but also because i hate being around people who are sick. Im not a hypochondirac or scared of infections/bugs, but its more that i just dont have time to get sick.. so im avoiding people who are sick at all costs. And now i have no where to go.. .scared to even go make myself food. (hahaha... Maybe im a little paranoid, i realise how crazy this sounds when im typing it!!!)

This evening im pretty much going to stay in my room and longing until tomorrow when i can just leave the house early in the morning and then come back later.... Oh and its my sister birthday tomorrow... but as she is sick, i dont know how much celebrating there will be :(

This post is just a bunch of blabbering and bits of this and bits of that!!! I guess my thoughts are just everywhere right now!

Snack time!!

Todays after school snack consisted of quark mixed with cottage cheese, mix of nuts and seeds & salted peanuts. 2 crisp bread with spread, 1 with salmon and the other with caviar and egg!!! (And there might be another cracker with salmon eaten afterwards because its just so delicious!!!)



I also got asked which camera i use to take my pictures, and i just use my phone: A Samsung Galaxy :) (and i dont edit my photos either..unless theres like an IG filter on it!)

The alternative jar

SOURCE: lucysweatslove:
Making an “Alternatives” Jar

For anybody with issues with binge eating, purging, and/or self-harm (or any other type of urge), an “alternatives” jar is a good project! It is a jar filled with popsicle sticks that have things written on them that you can do when your urge hits, as an alternative to the urge.

You need:
  1. A glass jar (I used a small 8 oz old jar that I had left from a jar of jam- you can get these for $1 in some places with the jam)
  2. Popsicle sticks (I used 70 regular-sized ones from a pack of 1,000 craft sticks that I bought for $5)
  3. Markers (I used Bic Mark-It Permanent Markers, but any other marker should work, even dollar-store markers)
  4. Paints, as many colors as you want (I used Apple Barrel brand acrylic paints, which run for $0.50-$0.57 per 2 oz container at Wal Mart). 
  5. Paint brushes to use for the paints (I used Plaid brand sponge brushes, which I got for $1 for 4, and a pack of 24 different brushes which were $5 each)
  6. Ribbons and washi (decorative/paper) tape ($0.50-$3.50 per roll, however you want)
Items 4-6 are optional! You can use as much or as little paint as you want. You should only need one bottle if you are doing one color; however, you may want more!

Instructions:
  1. Gather your materials :) (not too hard!)
  2. Decide how many sticks your jar will hold. Mine held 70 craft sticks; some can hold more!
  3. Decide how many colors you want to use, and if you want the colors to mean anything.
  4. Paint the craft sticks!! Do this on a surface easily cleaned, thrown away, or that you don’t mind getting messy! I used a lid from a plastic tote. You can either put the paints on a palette (if you have one), or dab it onto the sponge brushes and then paint.
  5. Let your painted sticks dry.
  6. While you are letting them dry, you can decorate your jar. Some permanent markers work on glass; others don’t. You can try them though! Acrylic paints don’t always work on glass, also. I used washi tape and ribbons, using a hot glue gun to attach the ribbons to the jar. The tape and ribbons can be removed from the jar if I so choose (so that way I can re-use the jar or re-decorate if I want to)
  7. Once the sticks dry, write on them!!
Ideas for how to use color:
You can see that I used 7 colors, each with 10 sticks. Colors can be used to denote:
  1. Type of urge (especially useful if you have multiple types)
  2. Type of emotion behind the urge or activity (feeling sad, guilty, angry, lonely, wanting sensation, etc)
  3. Amount of time the activity takes (5 min, 10 min, 15 min, 30 min, 1 hr, over 1 hr)
  4. Amount of money you’d have to invest (ie, totally free things, things you can spend $1 on, things you’d have to spend $5 on, etc)
How to use:
  1. When your urge hits, pick a color or colors to represent what you need. For example: red for me are things to get anger out, so if I’m wanting to purge because I am angry, I will choose the red sticks.
  2. Pick one stick of that color. Do that activity, and put the stick to the side. If, after you’re done with the activity, the urge is still there, pick another stick.
  3. Keep choosing sticks until the urge is gone (or you have other things you have to do)
  4. If the urge hasn’t gone away, but you are done with your sticks: choose another color and keep going.
Ideas for what to write on your sticks
  1. 101 things to do besides binge
  2. More binge alternatives
  3. Alternatives to binge eating/purging
  4. Alternatives to self-harm
  5. More alternatives to self-harm
Idea based off of: Coping Bank and Binge Jar

Breakfast inspiration








Monday 28th April

And once again Monday has rolled around, though uit feels like time is slowing down right now... the past 4 months have just flown by, and now these past few days have just been crawing by.... like the day lasts forever. I guess thats because its so light all the time, which makes everythign easier, but it feels like my school days are twice as long now.
   Usually Monday is my only 'sleep in' day, but not this week as i have test this morning. Usually i have the attitude of its better to just get the test over with, but not this time.... i dont even know how im feeling. But i get the feeling that it is not going to go well today.... But its just to focus on the 100 other things i need to do. From one test to another basically.

I have loaded up with a delicious breakfast, which is basically the same as yesterday and the day before... Why change a winning concept?
  Though i really want to try chia pudding, but havent really found - or looked (!!) for chia seeds! Im not the type of person who can just eat a smoothie for breakfast and im not much of a bread person, not in the morning anyway. But for lunch/snacks/dinner i dont mind eating bread!! Im very strange like that :)
   So oatmeal or quark suits me pretty well in the morning!! Both are very filling and i can add as many toppings as i feel i want!



^^ Milk was added afterwards!!

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Foam roller & 2 progress pictures

Hello :)
   Today, guess what my mum came home with for me? (Might be obvious) A tirggerpoint, or so called 'foam roller' I have wanted one for the past while as it is supposedly very good if you do alot of exercise and get training pain!! However, it has been too expensive for me to buy on my own, so today my mum bought this for me and agreed to pay 50% :)
  Super happy! Im now going to do my research to find out how to use it propely :) If anyone has used a triggerpoint let me know what you think and any advice/tips :)




^^Once again.... i dont know what is up with my hair?
Its my messy 'im studying and just lying in my bed' hair!! :)

Would anyone like me to write a review about the foam roller when ive used it and learnt more about it? :)

Today i made two progress photos, to see how far ive come in just a few months with only strength training!!
The fact is, i dont see the way i look... or you know when you look in the mirror everyday, you dont see these small changes that everyone else does.
Like my mum and sister keep telling me i look so strong and muscular - in a good way. 
But i dont see that at all. Its almost like when your sick... you dont actually see how thin you are getting. Because there are all these small changes that happen from day to day, but as you see yourself everyday you dont see them.
I was actually talking about this with my friend today, as it had been a while since i last saw her and she told me how i looked so strong now... compared to last year, or when i first began exercising and thought i had muscles, but really i didnt!! hahah
These progress photos are just a few months apart :)




Afternoon snack

This was what i ate when i came home today!




Snacking = My favorite part of the day :)

Its t-shirt weather!!!

Today it has been around 18 degrees, and completely fabulous (!!) weather!! I love it. Everything gets better when its sunny.... apart from all the sweaty people on public transport.
   Today i bought lunch and met my friend, and we lay out in the sun. My friend has been having it tough lately, thats why we havent met so often the past few months. It hasnt been an argument or anything, its just some things she's going through. So as often as i can i try to meet her.
  We lay in the sun and caught up over the time that has past since we last saw each other.. it goes anything from days, to weeks to months.

Then we made our way into town where my friend had to get a few things and im just after coming home as i need to study... but it feels like no matter how much i study, its not going to stay in my  head :/ So ill just do my best tomorrow.

Today has been a really good day. Its been sunny, ive been with friends and just had  a good time. Its these type of days that make everything better... Its these summer days that make the whole of winter, winter depression and school stress just sort of dissappear!!! I love it :)

Now its time to actually try get some studying done :) Hope you have all had a good day!