Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Monday, March 31, 2014

When i chose to recover

I was asked last week if i could write about my recovery. What changed at the time, my thinknig and my thoughts at the time.
  So i thought i would try to write a post about it... though its been more than 2 years since i chose to recover, so i cant remember everything that was in my head at the time.

I will start off by saying that, at first, i did not choose to recover for the right reasons.

I had spent more than a year in different hospitals for my ED, and it was my 5th time as an inpatient and i had just had enough... i was at rock bottom, physically and mentally. A few months before i was admitted again i had attempted suicide. I was tired of living, i was tired of being sick.
  I had cheated my way through inpatients several times, and that was what i was convinced i was going to do again... that i would gain weight while an inpatient, and then lose all the weight again once i was out.
   Though my plan at the time was, that once i got a chance i would kill myself... i was set on suicide. As i saw no other way out.
   So my first reason to recover was to kill myself... though that wasnt when i chose recovery... i chose to recover a month or so after i had been admitted again.
   I had been told that i wasnt allowed to be at Mando anymore, as they didnt think they could help me. But i wasnt alloewd to be at home either, as i was so underweight, so i had to be an inpatient while my mum and the doctors tried to get me in to another ED clinic.
   I wasnt allowed any visitors the first while - i cant even remember why. I think it was that they just wanted me to eat and rest and not have any types of distractions. I also had my shoes and outer jacket taken away from me as i had threatened to run away. I was in a wheel chair, i had to have the door to the bathroom open whenever i went to the bathroom.
   My anxiety was sky high and basically everything was 10 times worse than it had ever been.

And it was then that i realised that i just didnt want to be sick anymore. I realised that i could sit in hospital, being skinny, hating myself and hating life... or i could gain weight.... and try to live life.

  
I dont think i consciously made the decision that now i will do everything right and recover. Its not as easy as that... but i just wanted to get out of Mando. So i began to try eating in the normal time 15-20 minutes (instead of the 30-45 minutes i had been eating in). To stop cheating with my meals. To stop constantly moving and secretly exercising.
  I started taking snack options which i had never taken before.. i.e like actually taking cheese on a sandwich instead of ham or jam. These small things, which the staff didnt even notice, but they were HUGE for me. I actually have it written down in my diary the first time i had cheese on my sandwich.. i had so much guilt, but at the same time felt so proud... like i wanted to tell eveyrone. I wanted the staff to tell me that i was good, that i had done a great thing... but they didnt notice anything, which made me a little sad then.





It wasnt like the anxiety or guilt over food instantly dissappeared... but gradually it did. When i started doing things that scared me... when i took food options which i had been avoiding. These small things made a huge difference, because i realised i was stronger. Even if the anxiety was awful afterwards, the anxiety didnt kill me, infact it made me stronger.

And thats the important thing to remember. That anxiety doesnt kill you.... you have to be strong. To keep calm and fight your ED. Fight the voice in your head that tells you to not do something, or not eat etc

How my thougths changed over time..... it went from seeing food as making me fat. hating my body. Scared of food. To trying new foods. Trying to enjoy food. Reminding myself that it was ok to eat... and knowing that, each meal i ate brought me closer to coming home. Brought me closer to freedom, and that was what i wanted.

It took time, it took more than a year to gain all the weight, and to have a fully healthy mind set. There were alot of things i had to work with... like control issues, exercise obsession, scared of certain foods, liking my body, accepting my body, self harm,  etc
   But when you are so focused on recovery... on wanting freedom, wanting your life back... then it is easier. Because even when its hard, you know what you are working towards, what you want.

^^ After more than 6 weeks as an inpatient, i was finally allowed out for lunch to celebrate mothers day (i think it was)
Of course there were plenty of times where i just wanted to give up, because thats easier. I was scared of gaining weight. I didnt want to be fat. I didnt know who i would be when i know longer had my ED. I didnt know what i would do with my life... but all of those things sort themselves out.

^¨ One of the times i went out for a coffee and cake during recovery
Once you choose to recover, its not like it magically gets easier or that recovery is a walk in the park... but it does make it just a tiny little bit easier, because yo uare focused on recovery .And when you feel like giving up, you know what you are working towards. You have a goal... you want to be free. You want to be healthy.
  So it makes recovery more possible, than if you are just forced to eat and gain wieght... because then you havent made the choice to recover, to gain weight....

  
Recovery is also accepting that you are going to gain weight... you cant just think, ok ill recover but ill still have a BMI of 16.... because thats what i told myself for a while. During recovery ,it took me a long time to accept my goal weight. I was constantly arguing with my case manager to lower my goal weight... but she never did. And now i weigh more than that goal weight anyway ;)

 
^^ I made this picture during recovery... because i felt that that was exactly what it was like.... running in a dark forest, know idea where you were going, but hoping that there was light at the end, and that you would come out safe.

Delicious afternoon snack

Came home, tired and hungry. And whats the best way to fix that? With a huge delicious snack, that looks good, tastes good and of course contains chocolate!!! :)



^^ There were 6 chocolate covered brazilnuts, but of course i couldnt wait so ate one befor ei took a picture!! (They are my absaloute favourite at the moment, and could easily eat those x 3!!)




Now im watching hte show 'Welcome to Sweden'. Hahah, i have no idea what to think of the show. Its making fun of Sweden and stereotypical Swedish people. I personally find it quite comical, though not sure what 'non swedish would think'!!! haha. Though it does contain some of the weird swedish traditions ;)

Monday tiredness

The tiredness i am feeling at the moment is unbelievable. The stress from the past few days and lack of sleep has caught up with me. My brain is like mush and i jusy want to sleep for a while.
  I am sure you understand why there has been a lack of blogging today - it hasn't been my priority over the weekend.
  
SO... my maths test. How did it go? No idea. I want to hope that it wen well, but u just don't think it did. And it really sucks. But i guess i can't know until I get the results.

Afterwards I went to the gym. And I can say, interval training/HIIT is the best form of training when you have post test anxiety!! Hahah. Could really give it all.
  And then I did some strength training aswell.

Afterwards when I was stretching one of the staff at the gym came up and began talking to me,wondering if I was training for something. As he's seen me there so often.
He then asked me if someone had created a program for me or not. And I told him I had created my own workout schedule... because I mainly focus on doing what I enjoy. And what i want to do right then...  But he said that if I wrote up my workout plan he would look over it and see if it needed fixing... I didn't ask for help. So i dont know why he offered. But it was nice I guess. He also said that there were some things I needed to focus on while I was training.... Helpful or just rude ( you know when a know it all comes and just tries to give you lots of advice that you didn't ask for?!). No but it was helpful, and maybe he'll give me some good tips!!
  Hes around 30/40 so i guess he has a lot more experience than me.

Then i went back to school where I was for the next 4 hours. Tiredness was taking over and I couldn't concentrate..... 
  Now I'm on my way home. And I'm thinking I'll buy some chocolate covered nuts and spend my evening relaxing!!

What's done is done.

Double Chocolate Fudge Energy Bars

Double Chocolate Fudge Energy Bars {vegan & gluten free}Double Chocolate Fudge Energy Bars

Ingredients
  1. 200 grams unpitted dates
  2. 1/4 cup toasted hazelnuts
  3. 3 tablespoons almond milk
  4. 2 tablespoons cocoa powder
  5. 1 tablespoon coconut oil
  6. 1 + 1/2 cup puffed brown rice
  7. 60 grams dark chocolate
  8. 1/8 cup hazelnuts
Instructions
  1. Soak the dates in water for 10 minutes.
  2. Add dates (without the water) to a food processor and pulse until smooth. Add in cocoa, milk, melted coconut oil, 1/4 c. hazelnuts and process until a paste forms.
  3. In a bowl, mix the paste with the puffed rice, the chopped chocolate and the hazelnuts.
  4. Press mixture into a baking pan lined with parchment paper. Cut into 8 bars and let it sit in the freezer for at least 2 hours.
Notes
  1. 200 grams unpitted dates is about 150 grams pitted dates.
  2. Butter or vegan butter work well if you don't like/have coconut oil.
  3. Any kind of nut will work here.

Monday 31st March

New day, New week, and last day of the month! Tomorrow it will be April!!! And then its just 2,5 months until my summer break!!

This morning i had put 4 alarms to make sure that i would actually be woken up in time - incase my alarm decided not to ring (which has happened on several occasions) or if i decided to hit the snoooze put a little too often. So after the third alarm went off, i was awake.


First thing on the agenda was breakfast! And today i tried a 'new' thing... i.e quark mixed with funlight on my oatmeal! I usually have cootage cheese and appelsauce, but we had neither at home. So i had to improvise. And it was actually delicious!! It might just be my new thing! Especially the times when i cant decided whether i want oatmeal or quark, or when i want both.... Now i know that they actually do work together!!




And now its time to get ready before its time for my maths test!!!
Very nervous, and hoping that i will have a good feeling after the test. But either way i am going to the gym afterwards, so if i have bad feelings i know i iwll feel better afterwards, and if i feel good then i know i will have lots of energy and feel great! So its win-win!
Infact going to the gym after a test is something which works great for me, because then i stop thinking about the test... what i could have done wrong or done better.
Because once you hand in your paper and leave the test room, theres not much more you can do. And the worst thing that bothers me is when you remember the right answer after the test.
So if i do something after the test that gets my mind off of it, i will feel alot better!

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Snack tips






Stu(dying)

I can not wait until my maths test is over tomorrow. My brain and thougths are like mush at the moment. My eyes hurt, i feel very slow and heavy... my head is pounding.
  Too much maths, too much concentration, too much studying. Though in all honesty, half of the time i have just been procrastinating..... But i guess thats part of it.

Am i feeling confident for the test tomorrow? Not at all. But i just feel that no amount of studying would make me feel confident. I just feel that its too much to learn, to memorize, however i know that i have worked my ass off with all the maths studying, and that i should atleast pass.... and aiming for atleast a C (as an A is almost impossible in these maths tests).

Half way through my studying when i felt i needed a break i got up and made a quick chocolate cake (takes like 25 minutes in total - from start to baked!)
  I wasnt really craving  chocolate cake - more that i wanted somethign to do. But you have to taste what you bake!! And it was delicious, though a bit too sweet for my liking.




This evening i have no plans, im feeling really tired. Mentally tired, though physically i have so much enegry and all i want to do is go to the gym. But its important to give my body a break as well. And considering how tired i am mentally at the moment, i think i would do one push up and then collapse! haha

Tomorrow there will be a huge weight off my shoulders!! Though, its just to start studying for the next test after this... But lets just take one thing at a time!

All about binging


Preventing a binge:




What to do after a binge:



Overcoming binges:





Learning to cope



In reocvery it is all about learning to cope with your problems in different ways... not using forms of self harm to cope. And also to learn to deal with anxiety, panic and stress. To write or talk instead of starving yourself/purging/self harming etc

Find out what the actual cause and problem is as to why you feel the way you do. Even the feelings of 'fat' they are just in your head... there is usually a reason why you feel fat - like you are hungry, or stressed or tired. Its not that you are actually fat.

Remember this! FInd new ways to cope with your emotions.

Power snacks for studying - Recipes

I found some healthy snack recipes which contain energy, lots of vitamins and minerals to help you study... or just like an everyday snack :) (Some of them are small, so remember its not enough to just eat that. Not usually anyway)


Power Snacks For Studying
  1. Banana Dog Bites
  2. Mason Jar Hummus & Veggies
  3. Multigrain Flatbread Crackers
  4. Chia Yoghurt Power Bowl
  5. Healthy Granola Bars
  6. Nutella Energy Bites
  7. Chocolate Avocado Pudding
  8. Roasted Chickpeas
  9. Frozen Yoghurt Covered Blueberries


Summertime & Breakfast

Last night the clocks moved forward an hour, so when i woke up at 8am this morning, i was wondering why i felt so tired... But then i realised that to me, it felt like it was 7am. I hate when the clocks move back/forward, it always messes things up a bit!! Though i guess there will be more day light now... Or have i just got it all messed up, and there will be less day light? haha

For breakfast today i ate a yummy bowl of quark mixed with cottage cheese & toppings. And half way through eating, i added some salted peanuts as i felt i needed More of a crunch!!   I always need something to chew on when i eat, thats why i dont really like smoothies or yoghurt on its own... its like nothing to chew? Hahah



^^Daisy inspecting my breakfast bowl!

Today will be all about studying! My sister is moving into our apartment at the moment - as her contract for her apartment ended. So its chaos in our house, things everywhere,cleaning, movement, noise etc... So its hard to be productive or get anything done. 
  But hopefully i am going to meet some friends somewhere and we're going to study maths... otherwise i feel i will have to go to a library or somewhere to get some silence and just sit and concentrate!  
  It sucks that i have to be inside when it is such beautiful weather outside - i did go for a walk with Daisy this morning, to get some D vitamin and sunshine, before the rest of the day will be spent inside!!!

How are you spending your Sunday?

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Earth hour, movie and dessert!

Between 8.30-9.30 pm it was earth hour. So we turned off all the lights. I lay in my room, in the dark and watched the film 'Gone'. Ive seen it before,but I love those type of thriller films :)
   Of course I had to have something sweet/snack/dessert! Tonight i had egg white,protein fluff and a questbar!!! Delicious :)

First BBQ of the year

This morning when the sun was shining bright and it was around 12+ degrees i suggested we have a barbeque for dinner tonight! Grilled food is one of my favourites... infact i could live on grilled chicken and salmon!!
 
Dinner tonight was delicious! 1 salmon fillet, 1,5 chicken fillets, veggies, quark and a little bit of mashed artichoke (<-- and="" didnt="" fall="" idea="" in="" it="" liking="" mums="" my="" p="" that="" was="">