Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Thursday, February 27, 2014

Diary entry - 2012

Diary entry from the start of 2012, when i was half recovered and going through a cycle of starvation/binging/Purging



At the moment, im feeling very fake. I think ive given up... im not fighting... or basically, there is nothing to fight for? i.e... the fight for freedom is over. I am free, i am healthy.... but maybe i amnt?
  
Maybe ive been strong too long?

Calories are suddenly more important then before, and i can find myself counting how much ive eaten, what im eating.. and going over the 2000 GDA is a no-no. (even though before i ate more then that, and just about held my weight)
  If i dont loook skinny, i feel awful... if i dont have a flat stomach, then my day is ruined...
I dont at all feel hungry... eating is something im doing because i know i have to.. even though its not enough.

I havent been to Mando for a few weeks now... but maybe thats a bad a thing? i dont have a weighing scale, i dont know my wieght... it could be dropping... i could have lots a few kilo and i havent noticed it... but i have. I can see & feel that im skinner... i know ive lost weight,  i just dont know how much.
  Im not trying to lose weight... but now.. if im not skinny... then i dont look good.
SICK.SICK.SICK.SICK.....
Its warning signs... bells are going off in my head... can i change this before i go to long, and am back down too 40kg... i mean, it wouldnt take me long to lose that wieght.. i could easily lose it in a few weeks or so...
   I just know that i have to change the path im going down...
Even my mum has noticed, shes started asking what im eating, how much.... shes commented on that i look skinnier...
  Skinny... thats what i want. But i also want freedom... and at the moment, i dont have that. Not in my head anyway... in my head, its Chaos.. one side says dont eat. the other says, eat & gain wieght and get healthy.

This morning i woke up and was like, ok.... im going to have a proper, big breakfast. and i did... - Oatmeal with berries & milk. & an omelette made with 3 eggs (2 egg yolks) and ham & onion and tea.
   I felt very full but i was like... this is what i need.

Im not scared of food...
   But something has happened in my head, and i know how easy it is to relapse.. but im not going to let that happen. Because i want to be healthy... i know how healthy is, and i will never give that up.. Summer 2012, is my time..i have plans.

2 comments:

  1. Izzy I love when you post your receips or food pics!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ill try post more of that :)

    ReplyDelete