Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Friday, February 28, 2014

Feeling weighed down?

I think this is something which is really good to remember. Its easy to get overwhelmed with everything... you have school, work, friends, partner, stress,emotions etc... you have deadlines and work to be handed in, pressure and stress. And its easy to feel that its too much, Trust me everyone feels this type of pressure.
  But you have to learn to cope. To break down everything.. to look at everything that is making you feel stressed and to see what you can do to eliminate the stress. And not be scared to ask for help.
   For me when i am really stressed with school i like to write lists of what i have to do and prioritize... do what has to be done first. And then reward myself afterwards, whether its buy eating some chocolate or going to the gym or watching a series... But first i need to get work done. Try to eliminate some stress.

And remember everything will be ok. The stress will go away, you just need to learn to cope with it. Because stress is one of the worst things for your body, both physically and mentally andsomething you want to avoid.

Friday!

Hello :)

I want to begin thank all of you who left lovely comments about my video and even emailed me telling me that you liked the video :) You are all so sweet! Personally i hate making videos, mainly because i dont like my accent, or my voice. Especially not on camera. Heres a little fun fact for you: Ive had periods where i have stopped talking for full days because ive been so self conscious about my voice ;) Though that was when i was younger.. haha!
   So making videos and hearing my voice in camera helps me deal with my hatred of my voice ;) haha

Next time i make a video ill try have more of a plan, so that i dont talk about loads of different things and have no structure :)

Today is another grey, horrible day. But so far its been a good day... The hours have passed by quickly and ive eaten wayy too much!! Im now going to roll to the gym (hahaha) for my second time today as i am going to be a PT for my sister. Not as excited to train my sister as i was to train myself this morning, but i relaly shouldnt complain. It was me who choose to be a PT for my leadership and really its soething i love, its just the weather getting me down. But once i get there i know i will be fine :)

I know my blogging hasnt been on top, and neither has my emailing... (I had planned to email back today, but never got a chance!) but i have a few things going on at the moment so havent really had time to sit and write loads of posts or email back. But i try my best.

Hope you all havea  great day :) And a lovely weekend!



Fat isnt a feeling

Post from 2012, when i was beginning to trust my body more and listen to my body

I've been told many times that fat isnt a feeling.

  Though its hard to believe... because for me... when i feel fat. It's as real as me or you.
When  i feel fat, its as iff i can feel every gram of the 55kg i weigh... its like i can literally feel it. and none of it is msucle or bones or organs... its all fat. it feels like im expanding.. that im sticking out,... i have no control over my body, i ccant tell what is real and what isnt.
   For me... thats what it feels like when i feel fat.
Its this awful feeling..

But of course, fat isnt a feeling. You dont feel it... its something you are, or you arent... and in my case... i amnt. (but of course... thats now always how i feel.)
  I can look in the mirror, and see that im thin... but i feel fat. 

Only today though, did i realise that it wasnt fat i was feeling... it was hunger.
   When i feel fat... its when im hungry.

Ok, i wasnt actaully feeling hungry. but it had been a few hours since i had eaten, and i felt quite sick/full (maybe cus i had drunk lie 2l water) and i had only had a little breakfast today. (at 7am)
  and by 10am.. i started feeling shaky.. and suddenly i felt angry & irratated. everything was annoying me, i felt like crying, i was stomping my feet..i wanted to scream and Then... i started feeling fat. Yes... it was as if i starte ballooning up.. i felt 10 times my size...
  i just felt huge.

And of course, when i feel fat... its so much harder to eat. Almost impossible.. all the hunger is gone... nothing but anger and fatness is left.

But something.. something rational in my head said, You have to eat. you're not fat, and theres a reason you're feeling like this  
  It felt like this black cloud had placed itself in my head... i could feel the black thoughts rolling in.. making me angry.

And then i ate... i ate a cranberry cereal bar. I knew i needed sometype of sugar or carbs, and that was the perfect thing..
  and you know what.... slowly, i started shaking and the bad thoughts passed and i stopped feeling fat.

its hard to believe.... 
   but its true... 

I know myself when i need to eat, i know when i feel hungry.. my body lets me know. And sometimes when i let that feeling last.. not eating either cus i cant.. or dont want to... then it fights back. and thats when i start feeling fat and feel angry and moody..
   its just to get in contact with my body...

Slowly day by day, im starting to trust my body and get to know the signals.. i know when im tired and need to rest, i know when i need to eat. i know when im thirsty and not hungry. I know when i have energy and want to go for a run. I know when i just want to do everything, and then when i just want to do nothing.
  I know how much my body can handle... 
I think i have full control over my body, i know what it wants when it wants :) Tumblr_luf6abt3iy1qmyf2uo1_500_large

Slowly killing myself - diary entry

Diary entry - 2011

Im just not fighting anymore.

Im slowly killing myself.

Today... looking in the mirror.

My bones stuck out. i could see my ribs. see the bones on my arms, which i havent seen since christmas.
   
Im horrible.

I wasnt happy.

I didnt smile.

Im tired of this.

I want to stop losing weight.

I want to be normal.

I dont want to be thin.

I want to be normal.

I dont want to be sick.

I want to do normal things.

But im scared of living.

im scared to move forward.

but i dont want to move back.

i dont even want to be stuck here. now.

Where am i supposed to go?

No one wants to read my depressing blog. 

How im just a stupid girl.

But im going to keep writing.

Where am i heading?

I dont know.

I dont know which path im on.

But i know its not looking good


REMEMBER: YOU CAN RECOVER.
AND YOU NEED TO ASWELL.

IFYOU ARENT RECOVERING FROM YOUR ED, YOU ARE DYING FROM IT.


Body image

Over the past few days, i must admit, i havent felt so good in my body. Ive felt uncomfortable, bloated and not really liking what i saw in the mirror.
  Those types of feelings are always hard, because you cant avoid the mirror and the thoughts coming creeping up.. however i didnt let them control me. I dont starve or restrict on days where i feel bad in my body, i might not walk around in tight clothes, but i dont hide away either. I try my best to make myself look good. Remind myself that they are just feelings, and yes sometimes they last more than a day, this time they lasted a few days. But you just got to keep going.
  There is no point locking yourself away just because you feel fat.

(Just want to mention, on Wednesday 'fat' feelings had nothing to do with how i felt low etc)

Today i woke up and felt alot better in my body!! 2 days of eating more and i feel physically and mentally better... i do wonder if those 'fat' feelings were due to me maybe eating too little.... I mean when im not in school and not doing so much i amnt as hungry. The body is a vary weird and intricate thing. For me, my body is so sensitive to all those types of things. As soon as i begin eating less whether its from stress or im sick or no appetite, i notice it. And once i begin eating more i get loads of energy and feel better!

Anyway, this is hopefully just a reminder to you all that yes, healthy people do get bad body image days and fat feelings, but they go away. You cant let those thoughts control you, because you know what... then half of the women population would just be at home thinking about how they dont like how they look.
  But you need to embrace your flaws and know that fat feelings go away... but fat isnta  feeling. Its something else. Sadness, anxiety, embarresment etc
  And know that bloating goes away...  bloating is something which bothers many, but it goes away. If you've just begun recovery and eating normal then it will take longer for it to go away, but it does. Just give your body time.


Thursday, February 27, 2014

Eat. No Exception.

Video - food and how to cope with anxiety

Once i made and looked at the video i realised why i dont make videos. Hahah, i could comment about everything... i.e the way im sitting (my legs look really weird!!), my hair is sticking out in all directions and my nose is blocked so i sound really weird!! haha XD
  But i thought, i might as well post it and see... i might delete it in a while. Ill see if i get any weird comments or not?
 
I didnt have so much of a plan for the video, hence why i sort of jump back and forward and change the topic like 5 times ;) Not such a great video... -_-'



Diary post

Diary post from 2011

I hate everything ive  become. I hate everything about me.
   But also, i cant remember who i am? Who was i before all of this.

All i can rememeber are my years of being sick. I cant remember being normal, doing normal things. And if i did, all i can remember are the sick, Ana parts, the thoughts and anxiety i got when i went ot the cinema with friends, being in school i never ate, going into town avoiding eating even when my friends ate... all i remember is being sick.

I must have been normal at some stage - Of course i was.  Buut i cant remember it.

I dont even know what it is im missing. What is normal? How can someone tell me when i'll be normal again, when i'll be healthy when i dont even know when or what that is?

I cant remember a healthy girl, ive forgotten all thoose memories, buried them deep inside me.

I cant remeber how i thought when i didnt have thoughts of food and calories and anxiety over eating.
  
And what scares me most is that once im a day patient, i d ont know how things will go. at the moment things are going really well, and theres nor eason to say that they wont when i become a day patient, but im scared....?
   no one can tell me that i wont end up as an inpatient for the 5th time? I wont let that happen, but its not like i ever wanted to come back.
   Im not getting worse.... im just scared and worried.

And today when i looked over pictures of when i was Healthy? I dont even know when that was.
   I dont know...it feels weird to think that i didnt have thoughts of self hatred of my body, and that i ate what i wanted. and didnt think of calories.
  
It still scares me to think that i'll be healthy that  i can no longer be classified as an anorexic.
   And now, im starting to think of the damage ive done. Will i grow anymore? Will i get my period again? WIll i ever meet anyone? Will i even get any good education.

And then theres my scars... i know i shouldnt, but i want to do modelling but now ive realised that i wont be able to, no agency would want me, as my scars are still visible, and also the fact, wat would happen if i was told too lose weight?
  And the though of me not being able to do modelling is really crushing me.... i know tis stupid and many people haev told me that after what ive been through its not advised to then go into a business where its all about small and weight. but i dont care... its something i love doing... it would eb a side job, im not stupid eough to ttry to make it as full career, i would like to have a proper job... what ever that iwll be.

But i supppose i have to satisfy myself to be behind the camera instead. :/

I really do hate what ive become. When i look at my old pictures, when i was sick..... i hate it, but at the same time, i want to go back to it??
   I dont know what to think anymore.... i dont know what to do?

This is just one messed up post, blabbing about a bit of eveyrthing. but at the moment im a bit of a jumbled mess. dont know whether to be happy or sad, worried or stressed, whether to cry or to laugh.

I just dont know.



I remember when i was sick i was so set on being a model, that was what i wanted to become. I wonder if that was part of my ED, because now... well it would be fun to be a model. But really im not that fussed about it. I like the way i look, i dont need people to look at pictures of me and get some type of comfirmation of that i look good. I would also never lose weight just so that i got accepted to a modelling agency.

   Did you know that i got scouted twice when i was sick with anorexia... i had a BMI of about 14 at the time...  How could they not see that i was so underweight and sick? Just that thought, that they wanted a young teenager who was severaly underweight as a model puts me off all of that modelling business.
   

Diary entry - 2012

Diary entry from the start of 2012, when i was half recovered and going through a cycle of starvation/binging/Purging



At the moment, im feeling very fake. I think ive given up... im not fighting... or basically, there is nothing to fight for? i.e... the fight for freedom is over. I am free, i am healthy.... but maybe i amnt?
  
Maybe ive been strong too long?

Calories are suddenly more important then before, and i can find myself counting how much ive eaten, what im eating.. and going over the 2000 GDA is a no-no. (even though before i ate more then that, and just about held my weight)
  If i dont loook skinny, i feel awful... if i dont have a flat stomach, then my day is ruined...
I dont at all feel hungry... eating is something im doing because i know i have to.. even though its not enough.

I havent been to Mando for a few weeks now... but maybe thats a bad a thing? i dont have a weighing scale, i dont know my wieght... it could be dropping... i could have lots a few kilo and i havent noticed it... but i have. I can see & feel that im skinner... i know ive lost weight,  i just dont know how much.
  Im not trying to lose weight... but now.. if im not skinny... then i dont look good.
SICK.SICK.SICK.SICK.....
Its warning signs... bells are going off in my head... can i change this before i go to long, and am back down too 40kg... i mean, it wouldnt take me long to lose that wieght.. i could easily lose it in a few weeks or so...
   I just know that i have to change the path im going down...
Even my mum has noticed, shes started asking what im eating, how much.... shes commented on that i look skinnier...
  Skinny... thats what i want. But i also want freedom... and at the moment, i dont have that. Not in my head anyway... in my head, its Chaos.. one side says dont eat. the other says, eat & gain wieght and get healthy.

This morning i woke up and was like, ok.... im going to have a proper, big breakfast. and i did... - Oatmeal with berries & milk. & an omelette made with 3 eggs (2 egg yolks) and ham & onion and tea.
   I felt very full but i was like... this is what i need.

Im not scared of food...
   But something has happened in my head, and i know how easy it is to relapse.. but im not going to let that happen. Because i want to be healthy... i know how healthy is, and i will never give that up.. Summer 2012, is my time..i have plans.

You are stronger than your ED



Remind yourself that you are stronger than your ED. YOU CAN FIGHT IT. You can recover. You need to be strong today.
  You need to do something that scares you, that goes against your ED.

You can do it. You can fight the anxiety. The anxiety doesnt kill you.

Today i want you to really fight your ED!!!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

I want to live my life - diary entry

Think about how much life you are wasting... how many days, weeks, months and even years pass you by. How many social events have you said no to because you have been scared of the food, how many times have you cancelled because the anxiety has been too much?, how many hours/days/weeks have you spent hating yourself and hiding from the world?

Its time to face your fears, its time to overcome your ED. You can do it. Trust me, you can fight the anxiety and the voice in your head. If i could, so can you. Trust me. You just have to take that leap of faith and fight back!



Diary entry from 2011:

how much of my life am i missing?

Yes, im scared to live my life. im scared to livee.

but i want a life.


i want friends. a boyfriend. school. my house. my dog. my family.

I want normal eating habits. i want normal activity levels. normal thoughts.

i dont want to live like this anymore.

i wish it was as simple as just walking out the door, and being healthy.

its never going to happen.


im just sitting here, letting my life slip by.

scared to go up in weight. dont want to do right.

but whats the point?




Movie night with my sister

My sister decided to have a movie night!! She bought chocolate, trail mix and also vegetables and dip!!

Now we're gonna watch Tangled!! Super cute movie!!
  
Feels like the perfect evening to a pretty awful day - I'm longing for tomorrow!

Lists of 5 - if you're feeling down

Top 5 quotes when im feeling down:

Its not a bad life, its only a bad day.
Its the tough times that make you stronger.
After the storm comes the sun.
Life goes on
Everything happens for a reason


Top 5 6 things i like to do when im feeling sad:

Write - it helps to write out what i am feeling and my emotions - though i reccommend that you also talk to someone, if you are comfortable with that.
Bake
Read
Exercise
Spend time with friends
Have a spa day/evening

3 songs to make you feel better!

Happy - Pharrell williams
Here comes the sun - The Beatles
Stronger than you think - Fireflight

3 pictures to make you smile!






Resting, reading and refueling

Hello :)
   I am sorry for the lack of posts today,  but in all honesty i havent spent alot of time infront of the computer. Ive jsut sort of shuut down today. Apart from going for a walk this morning i havent done anything. Ive mentally been trying to give myself some energy, to get out and do something. But i just havent felt like it.
   I mean the gym, the place which i love and would spend all my time at if icould. I had absaloutly no motivation or energy to go there.

So instead i have just been resting, reading and refueling. I am going to eat lots today! Im going to increase my food intake over the next few days or weeks,  because even though i feel like  i eat loads, i just get the feeling that i am not. I dont count calories so i dont know how much i eat, but im considering maybe writing a food diary for a few days, just to see how much i actually eat. And considering how often and hard i workout sometimes i feel i underestimate how much i need to eat. Which could be the cause for my tiredness.
   But also i think its the weather .I am very sensitive to the weather. As soon as it gets grey and dark - which is pretty much 50% of the time in Sweden then my mood and energy levels plummit, despite me eating lots, getting enough eneergy and even tkaing caffeine - you'd think i'd have all the energy in the world. But when its grey days i can barely get out of bed. :/

Anyway... i thought i would let you all know why my blogging hasnt been on top today, however emails i have replied to :)

Here are some of today's eats :) (They're always interesting!)


^^ Egg white oatmeal with cottage cheese, jam, raspberries and salted peanuts :)

Also had a midmorning snack of 2 crispbread with caviar & 2 boiled eggs :)

^^Hahaha, even my dog wanted to spend the day in bed!



^^ All i needed today was a book, several cups of tea (4 cups so far -_- haha - lots of green tea & chai tea!) and afternoon snack no. 1 a questbar!
Daisy wanted to be in the picture as well!



And afternoon snack no. 2
Sweet potatoe, cinnamon, stevia, cottage cheese and a whole load of peanut butter :)


It is so important to listen to your body. Because even if i had gone to the gym and gotten energy i dont think it would have been a good workout or a good idea. My body needs rest and lots of food, and that is what i am giving it!
On restdays i dont eat less, infact i eat more. Because it is extra important to refuel!!!

Treat your body kindly and with respect.. its the only body you have!

Reminder

Recovery is about change

Absolutely nothing about recovery is easy or comfortable. But it's worth it. That's the difference. #recovery

Part of recovery is change! It is scary, maybe not something you want to do... but you need to. You cant expect to recover doing the same thing you are doing now. I actually remember when i was sick i said, I'll recover, but i wont eat.
  Those 2 meanings dont even go together... there is no possible way to recover but not eat. That was my ED talking.

You need to change.You need to face fears. Go against the voice in your head. Fight the anxiety. Because anxiety doesnt kill you, and that is important to remember.

Make a change today!! Just do it.
  Whether its that you dont exercise, or you eat extra or actually eat that morning snack, or drink that glass of juice. Just do it. Fight the anxiety and know that you will be ok!! Trust me, you will be. You are fighting the ED.
 
What doesnt kill you makes you stronger. And its the tough times that make you stronger.
Recovery~ could be from drugs, alcohol, an eating disorder or just about anything~ love it

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Positivity

Reaching goals - Headstands

As some - or all of you might know one of my goals for this year is to be able to do a handstand. And i went to that course to learn to do a handstand and i got a bit of technique but as there were around 200 people taking the workshop at the same time, i didnt really learn that much.
   But ive gotten a little help from my sister, and trying ot practise at home.

However on Sunday when i was with my friend she showed me how to do a headstand and told me that it would be better if i began with that.
  And well, when i set a goal for myself... I reach it. I think that is one of the good qualities about myself.. that i am so perserverant.

So guess how excited i was when i actually managed to do a headstand... several times, and to hold it for 20 seconds!!! Excited!!!
  Now its just to begin learning handstands!!! :)



^^Very bad quality pictures and weird facial expressions!!

Do you have any goals you want to reach? :)

How to turn off negative thoughts

How to Turn off Negative Thoughts
1. Notice when you are slipping into negative, absolutist ways of thinking where you think the worst of yourself, your life and your future.
2. Recognise that these are habitual ways of thinking. It’s what you always think when you start to feel bad.
3. Be aware of triggers. Often certain people and situations trigger painful, negative self-destructive thoughts. Try and distance yourself from these, or completely avoid them, if you possibly can.
4. Deliberately look for the counter arguments. For example, when have things been a bit better, when have you done something right, when has someone been kind and understanding?
5. Visualise positive things that make you happy, such as curling up with a book in bed, listening to your favourite music, and so on. Often changing our thinking to things that make us happy changes our negative feelings and thoughts.
6. Get into the habit of building yourself up, so you notice and affirm your successes, strengths, good intentions and positive traits.

It gets better

Something which is important to remember is that it gets better. Even in the worst times, you can still make it out alive.
  Life is tough, life can be awful and at times you can wonder where everything bad happens to you. But you just have to keep going. You can't give up. If you give uo, then you're not letting a chance of things getting better. You need to fight to recover, to get better.
  It is tough. But it's worth it.
Imagine a life being happy and healthy. You can have that. You can. No matter what your ED says... that you're not worth it. Or its not possible. Thats not true. It is possible to get better,to recover. Never doubt that.

  It takes time and it's tough. But it is possible. That's the most important!!
Never give up. Keep fighting for better days. Because who knows, maybe tomorrow is the day that everything gets better? But you have to remember, things don't magically get better, you can't just sit and wish for better days. It doesn't work like that.

You can

I think one of the most common things we tell ourselves is  that we can't. We can't do this or can't do that. How often do we actually tell ourselves that we can? We are more willing to tell ourselves that we can't do something, whether it's to get up 20 minutes earlier or run that extra km or even to gain weight or lose weight. We give up to early and just accept defeat.

Too long I spent telling myself I can't gain weight or muscles. But that was just an excuse - because of course you can. You can if you want to.
 My body has a difficult time gaining weight, but that's no excuse.
 I can gain weight... i was just scared to.

You have to put in the effort and stop telling yourself that you can't. Because you can.

You can recover. Stop telling yourself that you cant, because you can. If i could, so can you!!

You know what, one of my favourite quotes and mottos is 'I can I will' Its something which i often tell myself if i feel that i cant do something. Because you know what... i can. And i should stop being scared of things and just do them.

Oatmeal breakfast

And once again, another breakfast picture.... But i must admit, i do enjoy making my breakfasts look good ;) haha... And i mean, if my breakfast looks good.. then i want to share it with the world!!

Before i never used to take pictures of my food 1) Because my food never looked good 2) i didnt have time and 3) according to some, taking pictures of your food is considered sick and can be because of an eating disorder.
 
But now well... if i have the time and patience to make my food look good, why not? :)

Once again it was oatmeal for breakfast with cottage cheese, jam and strawberries - and after the picture i added a mix of seeds and milk! & an egg, questbar and coffee ;)



Peek in my pantry

I got asked if i could do a peek in my pantry post, which i thought was a great idea.

As you all know my family is very healthy. We have alot of beans, lentils, vegetables, nuts etc in the house. That is what i have grown up eating. (Thats why i find it quite comical when some people comment and tell me that i eat weird foods, or wonder why i eat quinoa instead of rice or beans instead pasta or even other comments about my food, when for me... thats just what i am used to eating!)

So here you go, if anyone is interested, this is the food i have in my house :)



^^Our pantries


^^Fridge!! haha (Just stuff all the food in! No order ;))


^^ Freezer :)

Hahah, my mum asked me what i was doing when i stood there taking pictures of our food.
My answer: 'My readers want to see whats inside my fridge' :) haha