Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Saturday, December 28, 2013

What happens after recovery

There is also one thing that I want to show you/ask you I don't even know. It's a problem called "recovering forever" or I don't know how to call it but something like that. 
I mean… I've noticed that in my case, in my life and in my recovery. But I think that everyone knows it… It is connected with the fear of normal life I guess, the fear of the NORMALITY which you want so badly but at the same time you're freaking out because: will it be the big come back of this life that you hated? The body which you hated? The look that you hated? Would it be the same? The same life that you've left? That you've ran away from? It's such a big deal… But you STILL WANT RECOVERY so badly. You're trying and trying, youre motivated in every moment, don't give up but yore still at the same point, the same level… How is it possible? Of course it is anorexia, you think you can always beat her but like you see it is not that easy. And this is how it is: recovery forever? Do I really want to be in recovery forever? Doing recovery but still standing in the hole? Beacuse of the fear. The fear is stopping me. And it is gaining a little bit and a little bit losing or saying: tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. 
And it is also at the internet. How is it possible that a lot of girls from tumbrls or instagrams etc. are still in recovery? I mean it is ok that they are sooo optimistic but… they aren't changing! And it is waiting for what… for the miracle? For what?! For the death? Do we really want to thinkg about eating, food, not forgeting to eat FOR THE REST OF OUR LIFE? 

I don't know if it is just what i wanted to say.. But it can be an inspiration for the post. Maybe one about recovering forever, one about the fear, one about WHAT IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF RECOVERY? Because it isn't just the beautiful photos on nstagram/tumblr of nutritious food. Because it is not just eating. Because recovery is not possible without the CHANGE, without GAINING weight and all the stuff… 
Im just thinking about it a lot. HOW MUCH ENERGY i put in my recovery… i'm not cheating, i'm not unmotivated but… i'm still there. Still sick and still with anorexia. I don't want it. And that means… that i can't see every moment when i'm losing. Because it is a faight. But sometimes the fear and the anorexia is stronger. That makes my recovery inefficient. That is sad. 
Because I can look and almost LIVE those inspirations… But the photos won't feed me. And without my steps i won't be healthy anymore. And that is my biggest dream, right?! :)




Something which i know quite alot of people in recovery are scared about is going back to the person they were before they became sick. For some people, that is all they long for, whilst others that is their nightmare. However what i can say is that, you wont go back to the person you were before you became sick. Why.... Because you can't go back in time. You are moving forward, you will have gone through so much. Experienced so many things, changed in so many different ways. You are a different person.
  But also, you can't unlearn the things you have learnt, or forget the things you've been through. 

Like calories and food... you can stop calorie counting, that is possible, but you will always know calories. Like me, i dont count calories. But if you were to ask me how much a certain meal contains, i could tell you a pretty accurate amount. The number doesnt bother me, as i know its just energy, its just numbers... But i can still count calories if i wanted to.
  Before i became sick, i had no idea what calories or even anorexia was.... that was something i learnt over time.  

I can say, that i didnt really like the person i was before i became sick. I was still so young, i was growing up and changing, trying to find who i was. So there isnt so much to hate or dislike about myself... but i didnt like my lifestyle, where i was living or how my life was. I much prefer myself now, that is why i wouldnt go back in time and change things. I have  grown so much and changed.

Also with the weight... if you were overweight before you became sick, it is a huge fear for the person (usually) that they will end up overweight again. The only thing which i can say about that is that, your goal weight is a healthy weight. The doctors, legally arent allowed to give you an unhealthy goal weight. So trust the doctors.
    I mean before i became sick, i think my highest weight was somewhere between 53-55kg... and i was around 172cm (before i became sick)... so yes i did have an underweight bmi before i became sick, and my body has it very hard to gain weight. And then when i was told that my goal weight was 58-60kg, that scared me soooo much. Because then i would be heavier than i had ever been. And that instantly made me think i was going to be overweight.... though i was 4 years older and was now 175cm, so for me a weight of 55kg was still very underweight for me.... 
  So you have to know that you wont go back to the same weight you were, because you grow, you become older, your body needs more energy, a higher weight to function.

Now im 176cm and weigh around 60-63kg (the last time i weighed myself a while back)... and that number doesnt scare me at all. Because you cant really rely on a scale anyway, all it does is measure your mass.























I feel ive gone offtrack from the actual question, however... i have written  post about when i was half recovered, which you can read here: http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.se/2013/12/half-recovered.html

Sooo... What happens after recovery? Well, its different for everyone. But its basically to go back to living you life.
  Start school and studying again. To return to work. Find and start a  hobby. Meet friends, spend time with family, socialize, have fun, eat nice food, live life.....

You start a normal and healthy life. Where you make the choices again. Where food shouldnt and isnt the main focus of your life. Where you can focus on living, working, studying, having fun instead of focusing on calories, food, weight etc
  It can be scary to return to work or school after being away for so long. But its just to do your best, and not be too hard on yourself if you find yourself struggling. You have to remember to take care of yourself as well.

To learn how i got out of that half recovered stage - where i was sort of recovered, but not really read my other post (http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.se/2013/12/half-recovered.html) as that might help if you are in that stage....
   You have to rememer to keep challenging yourself, to get rid of all your fear foods and to think positively and work on your self esteem and body image, as those are important to living healthy and not relapsing!! 

Hopefully this has helped, but i can write in more detail or clarify if anyone needs it. Just let me know...

Im not sure if ive actually answered your question, or just written about soemthing completely else!! haha

^^Back to studying (and when i had a bit of Cola Zero problem)

Coffee dates with friends

Back to studying & coffee during school breaks

Going out for dinner with family

^^Work experience

^^Long walks with family/on my own
(Hahah, i love that im wearing sunglasses in winter... But it was so bright that you could barely see anything!)

4 comments:

  1. hey could you please update a post about what happens to your body during recovery? e.g. bloating, aching etc? thanks!!:) oh and if you by any chance know the reasons/ explanations that would be great too... did some research on my own but i don't know if there is still more

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    1. When i can ill try to write a post about this :)

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  2. I love your blog! Sorry for posting on such an old post, but I go back to this post every time I am insecure about recovery. It helps me, it really does! I am the exact same hight and weight as you, so I am weight restored, but mentally I am faaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away from recovered. I feel like I am HUGE, but seeing you and your pictures I see that am far away from what I think I am. Thank you!
    I relapse often, but reading your blog on my lowest helps me. Lifts me up and reassures me that recovery is worth it. Keep posting, I LOVE YOU haha xx

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    1. Thank you so much!! This really does mean alot to me :) Recovery IS worth it, never forget that!

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