Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Saturday, November 16, 2013

My time in the psychiatric hospital

To the anonymous person who asked about what it was like when i was in the psychiatric hospital, i am so sorry for the late reply... but here it is:

When i was first admitted to hospital for my eating disorder (had already been hospitalized many times before to a kids unit because of my CF), i was admitted to a kids psychiatric hospital in Ireland. I have been to an adults psychiatric hospital, and i am sure that it is very different to how a kids ward was... but it was still pretty awful.
   I know i have readers who have actually been to that psychiatric hospital that i was at... i think it has helped one or two of them (?) but i am going to write my experience of that place anyway.
   I was there for a little over 2 months, and i was on complete bed rest for the whole time. For the first while, i had someone watch me all the time. I was only allowed to lie in bed... stare at the wall opposite my bed.
  I was very sick while i was there, though not as sick as i have been, but at the time i was at my lowest place. I do not remember much frmo my time there, as the days just blurred into one. My meals were served to me for the first 2 weeks. And i refused to eat anything i was given. I didnt even drink water. And there was nothing they did about it, apart from try to convince me to eat.
   The 2 months i was at the hospital, barely any food passed my lips, and i continued to lose weight.

For the first while that i was there, i did not see any of the other patients. I was not allowed contact with them, and they were not allowed contact with me as i was on bed rest. I was not allowed any computer or phone there, so i had no connection with friends or family. And i only had my mum or dad visit me once or twice a week - as the hospital was a 2 hour drive from my mums place, and an hours drive from my dads place. && I was on restricted visitation.
  Overtime, even though i wasn't gaining weight or geting better. The staff thought it would be good if i would sit in the day room, be with the other patients...t his infact i hated. I would sit in a room full of other teenagers... and it was like i could feel their sideways glances at me. Though of course, i stared at them when they werent looking at me.
  I tried to figure out why they were there... what was wrong with them. Later i found our a few of them were there for suicide attempts, and one of them was there for drug/alcohol abuse, and one of them had been there for 6 years, though i never found out why?
   Later, the staff thought it would be good if i had to eat with another patient(s)... this made everything worse. Then i was on absaloute refusal of food. Just the thought of eating infront of others made me want to hide in my bedroom.
   And then for a while, it was just me and this other patient who had a problem with food as well, and the staff tried to make us eat. Infact, this is soemthing which i laugh at about. Because me and the other patient sat opposite each other, just staring at each other. This situation made it about 150% certain that none of us would eat.
  We picked at the food we were given, sat and tuned out the encouragements from the staff.... and finally, after an hour of trying to make us eat, the staff would give up and we would go back to our bed.
While i was on bedrest, there was one patient who would always sneak into my room and just sit and stare at me... or stand outside my bedroom door (the door was always open) and stare at me...
  I found this very unsettling, and whenever i sat in the dayroom he would just stare at me aswell.  This continued for the duration of my stay there. (That made it sound like i was willingly there... liek some sort of resort?)

For 6 weeks i had the room to myself, but then i got a roommate, because the hospital was full.  I was still on bedrest this time, and my room mate came and went as she liked, we did start talking some nights... and found out that she was there for suicide attempts. She had become friends with the other girls who were admitted and some nights they would all sneak into my room and we'd sit and talk... though i mainly just sat silent.
   There was also one night, where all of the girls (me included) snuck into the bathroom, and one of the girls had alcohol with her, and all of the girls drank, not me though.... that was an eventful night!!

After a blur of days... refusal to eat, continuous weightloss, secret training, completely depressed, my family still on restricted visitation, and my CF doctor with an increasing worry about my health as my lung function had dropped to an all time low. I was then moved to the childrens hospital where i had to have tube feeding.
   I was there for 2 weeks before my mum made the choice that changed our lives forever.... she realised that the care i was getting, just wasn't enough. And she saw my wasting away, and didn't see much hope for me. But she never gave up. So she booked tickets to Sweden, where i was going to be admitted to an eating disorder clinic.
So..... there is my time at the psychiatric hospital... i really dont know what else to write. But to me, it was awful. Days and nights where i cried and screamed in frustration. I still found ways to self harm and to exercise. I was so caught up in my eating disorder that no amount of help from them would have made me better. It was be almost a year and a half later that i finally hit my rock bottom and realised i wanted to recover.
   A long journey, with a lot of down hills... but eventually it got better.
^^ I was let out from the hospital for my sisters birthday.

^^ While i was in hospital with tube feeding, i was let out for the afternoon for my dads 50th birthday party... i really didnt want to go, as my whole family - people from both england and sweden would be there. And i had to have the tube in my nose & a needle in my hand.
 And i jsut felt awful. Ugly. Fat. Horrible.

Infact, since ive recovered and met some of those people who were at the party (though i dont remember meeting them?) they all start with ..yeah, i remember you had the tube in your nose...
^Yeha, great way to remember me -_-

^Some pictures taken while i was in the hospital

If you have any questions dont be scared to ask. Or if you want to suggest a topic/something you want to read about/me to write about, just let me know :) :)


  1. so I have been in recovery/recovered? With anorexia for awhile now and I have a pretty good relationship with food and exersize. I had gotten my period back for one month after not having it for a long time. After that month, I haven't had it again. It's been like 6 months since I last had it and I'm worried it could harm me (like not being able to have kids). Sometimes I get so mad about it that I eat loads in hope to get it back. But nothing happens. I can eat tons and tons of fatty foods but still not gain anything:/ I don't know what's wrong. (I couldn't email you for some reason:/)

    1. I think it could just be because you hadn't had your period for so long, so now its irregular. But 6 months is a long time.
      Are you sure you are eating enough... on a regular basis. And at a healthy weight? I dont know what your weight/Bmi is (dont need to know either)... but if you are underweight, not at a healthy BMI, then you might need to gain weight.

      If your period doesn't come back, it means that something is wrong... so talk to your doctor. And if it doesn't come back at all - though it does take time. Then as far as i know, you won't be able to have kids :/
      But most important, talk to your doctor :)

  2. Thank you for writing this post, it meant a lot to me. Thank you. Xx