Tired and exhausted

Who knew that sitting all day could be so tiring? I am utterly exhausted... and my belly is rumbling. :/ it feels like all ive eaten is processed and packaged food all day. And all im longing for is a bowl of broccoli. .. trick or treat... give me some broccoli or carrots!! Haha

At the moment im waiting for dinner - chicken and vegetable grill sticks? Or whatever they're callled. Thankful for warm and unprocessed food!

I hopw you've all had a good day and have a great evening! Anyone celebrating halloween? :)

In ireland

Up at 5am. A 90 minute car journey.  2 and a half hour plane ride and now a 3 and  a half hour bus journey awaits..... blahhh

Avocado chicken Quesadilla

Need some lunch inspiration? Try these:

Ingredients you'll need are
1/2 lb chicken breast(or Use any left over chicken and shred it)
1 clove garlic
1/4 teaspoon turmeric
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 medium onion chopped
1 ripe avocado, diced small
2 table spoon lime juice
2 green chillies, chopped
1/2 cup chopped cilantro leaves
3 whole wheat tortillas or Indian Flat bread(plain paratha)

To make the Quesadilla
Chicken Stuffing
Heat some water in a sauce pan on medium flame. Add the chicken breast ,crushed garlic ,salt and turmeric to the warm water and cover. Let cook for about 15 minutes until chicken is tender.Drain all the water and shred the chicken and keep aside.
Heat some EVOO in a sauce pan and added chopped onion and cumin seeds . Saute for a minute before adding shred chicken and a chopped green chilly. Cook for few minutes and keep aside.
Prepare the Guacamole
Using a fork mash avocado until coarsely mashed. Mix in lime juice, salt , 2 chopped chillies and cilantro. Keep aside in a bowl.
Make the Quesadilla 
Heat a cast iron or non stick pan on medium flame. Roast the tortilla or paratha on both sides. Spread some chicken mixture. Fold , drizzle a teaspoon of EVOO on sides of pan ,spread around and roast tortilla on both sides until crispy. Remove and keep on a cutting board. Slice diagonally in to triangles.Repeat for remaining tortillas. Spread some creamy Guacamole on top of Quesadilla and serve.

Source: http://yasmeen-healthnut.blogspot.se/2008/07/tasty-spinach-chicken-enchiladas.html

Happy Halloween

Just like any 'holiday' or speical event/occasion, it can be very hard when you have an eating disorder. Food everywhere... everyone happy(?). But do try to join in the festivities, if that is what your family do.
  Not everyone celebrates halloween. My mum doesn't like halloween, so instead of dressing up and eating candy, we would go to the graveyard where my grandparents (my mums parents) are buried and light candles.
   My dad doesn't understand the concept of Halloween... or the Americanized concept of Halloween.
  When i was little, i guess i enjoyed all the candy, but i never liked dressing up. And still, i don't like dressing up. I don't really understand the whole thing with giving candy to kids... But i mean, free candy is always good? :)

So.. if you're family celebrates Halloween, or your younger siblings are going trick or treating, then challenge yourself and eat a chocolate or two. It wont kill you. It wont make you gain weight.
   Challenge your ED. Do something which scares you.

But whatever you do, don't lock yourself away, just because you're scared or the anxiety is too much. Instead, go against the voice in your head.

Anyway, Happy Halloween!!!

I am currently on my way to Ireland.... wondering if anyone will be dressed up or not? Maybe i will get free sweets on the plane? Who knows.... ;)

Advice

Source: http://peenutbutterprincess.tumblr.com/post/60121170486

Packing

Helllloooo :)

First real update of the day! (The other ones are scheduled!) Today has been another day where i have been gone from the house pretty much all day.
 
This morning i started my day with a walk with Daisy (Really appreciating going for walks with Daisy, and im so thank ful that it hasnt started snowing yet!! )
  

Im going to miss Daisy for the few days that i'm gone!
Even though one of my dogs still lives in Ireland, its going to be so strange that Buddy, my other dog wont be there. :( 

Afterwards i got ready and met D (it has been several weeks since we last met!! Wayy to long. In other words, but thats life... even if you dont see your friends as often as you want to, you know that you're still there for each other, and whe nyou do meet, its like no time has passed at all!)

We headed into town, and walked in and out of about 10 cafes trying to find the right one, and neither of us knew if we wanted lunch, or something sweet, or just a coffee....

And we ended up walking around half of the city and finally ended up in one of our usual cafe places!

Hahah, we tried to change it up a bit, go somewhere different.... but that didnt work so well! We tried anyway.

Why change a winning concept? 

DO any of you have any places/cafes where you always go to? :)

After that we headed our seperate ways and i came home, realising i need to pack...

But of course, not actually doing anything about it until right now....

So far so good....

Ive bought loads of bars to take with me, so that i will have something to eat during the hours of travelling ( 90 minutes on the bus to the airport, 2 hours flight & then 4 hours on the bus from the airport in Ireland and then its 50 minutes in the car to my dads house... Hey there pain in my ass from all the sitting!! haha XD). So im not exactly looking forward to all the hours of transport :/

Also... my dad doesnt understand the concept of snacks.

My dad used to eat LOADS before, but was still as skinny as a stick (ive got his fast metabolism & his skinny frame), but half brother is the same (eat LOADS, never gain weight.)

But now that my dad is older (though not that old) he doesnt eat that much... or like 3 times a day. 

He's the type of person who eats cornflakes & milk for breakfast, 6 hours later eats a sandwich and some biscuits for lunch and then at 7 or 8pm eats dinner (like cod and chips/pizza) and maybe a slice of cake for dessert....

For me.... that doesnt work. I need my continuous snacks, or i turn into a bitch!

So im going to make sure that my dad buys some fruit/nuts/yoghurt/cottage cheese and salad/vegetables so that i can have my snacks & vegetables!! :) haha

I know that my dad is going to comment that i eat alot, and he's going to be shocked...  But i can atleast say that ive gotten my apetite from him (when he used to eat lots!)

^Do i look like my dad? ;)

Ok.. now ive spent way too much time writing this post, and its time to actually finish my packing!! :)

I will have Wi-Fi whlie im away, so i guess ill post some updates, but i have scheduled several posts for each day that im away, so there will be posts to read :)

Peanut butter banana muffins

Peanut Butter Banana Muffins

• 1 cup natural peanut butter
• 2 ripe mashed bananas
• 1/4 cup honey, agave, or a bit of liquid stevia
• 3 eggs
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 tsp baking soda
• pinch salt

You can also add chocolate chips, jam, fruit bits, crushed nuts, etc.

—> Preheat oven to 350 and grease a muffin tin

—> combine all ingredients in a bowl until smooth and combined, add anything extra you’d like

—> line the muffin tin with paper liners and fill them up about 2/3rd of the way

—> bake for for 15 minutes, take it out and let it cool

—> ENJOY! x

Source http://renniesane.tumblr.com/post/54996697354/peanut-butter-banana-muffins-o-1-cup-natural 

Ways to improve Body image

• 
• 
  
• 1. Remove unhealthy conditioning. Get rid of fashion magazines, change the channel during commercial breaks, etc.
• 2. Replace with healthy conditioning. Hang pictures of beautiful women with diverse body types, follow body positive blogs, etc.
• 3. GET NAKED. Spend some time getting comfortable with your body.
• 4. Don't be so critical of others. This only breeds criticism in ourselves. Accept others, accept yourself.
• 5. Don't allow yourself to think negative thoughts. Pretend you love yourself, and eventually you will.
• 6. Accept compliments. Learn to just say, "Thank you," rather than brushing them off.
• 7. Compliment yourself. purposefully list the things that you like about yourself.
• 8. TAKE LOTS OF SELFIES, UNTIL YOU LOVE THEM ALL.
• 9. Wear the clothes that make you feel beautiful. Regardless of what others think.
• 10. Do your hair and makeup the way that YOU like.
• 11. Spend some time alone doing the things that you like to do.
• 12. Treat yourself to something nice.
• 13. Wear sexy underwear even if no one else will see them.
• 14. Surround yourself with people who build you up.
• 15. Confront the people who tear you down, and cut them out of your life.
• 16. Always ask yourself "Why do I feel this way? Who says this isn't beautiful?"

http://16-secrets.tumblr.com/post/55054211812/16-steps-to-improve-your-body-image

Runners guide

What day is it?

Why does it always feel like, during the breaks i forget what day and date it is? Ive spent my whole day thinking it was Wednesday, and only now realised its Tuesday. -_-
  Though that might be because in my dream last night, i dreamt that it was Wednesday, and i was sitting on a bus on the way to the airport, and then i realised that i hadn't packed my stuff. All that i had with me was my mobile phone, and my 'handbag' which was empty. And then i realise that its the wrong day, and that ive been sitting on the bus for several hours and im not even supposed to be on the bus.
   
Its very typical for me to be forgetful about things. And i always leave things to the last minute. Like packing. I know that im not going to pack until tomorrow night.

Today i  had planned to call a/some friend(s) and see if they wanted to meet up but they were either working or had plans, so that sucked ;/
But then when i read my horoscope (im not superstitious, i just find them fun to read), it basically said that, At the moment my social life is on the downlow, but that it is a good thing as i should relax and it will result in more social activity later.
  
So, im planning on trusting my horoscope for once (haha XD) and hoping that this 'break' from my friends/social life, will result in more of a social life later...? Or something!

So... instead. What have i done? Gone food shopping. Taken Daisy for several short walks. Baked (Home made bread, home made granola (SUPER TASTY!!) and rosted nuts/seeds!) and ive eaten loads! 
  Today has been a day of continuous snacking (Hey there boredom!) And i havent had any set meal times... its just been snacks, sort of?
  While i was preparing dinner, i couldnt wait for my actual dinner, so instead i end up eating almonds & raisins & egg sandwiches, and then by the time dinner was ready, i wasnt hungry. So i thought i would eat my dinner later... but instead i jsut ate yoghurt & homemade granola & home made bread.
  Heh heh.... thats how it goes sometimes, i guess. ?

^¨ I kinda felt like that today! hahah

I am now feeling uncomfortably full, and thinking its time for bed... as it hurts to move? (Thats not normal.)

Chocolate chip cookie dough bombs

**I need to make these!!!! !!!

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Brownie Bombs

Author: Hayley Parker, The Domestic Rebel

Recipe type: Bombs

Prep time:  1 hour 30 mins

Cook time:  30 mins

Total time:  2 hours

Serves: 15-18

Ingredients

• ¾ cup butter, softened
• ¾ cup brown sugar
• ¼ cup white sugar
• 2 Tbsp milk
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• Pinch salt
• 2 cups miniature chocolate chips, divided
• 1 pkg fudge brownie mix, baked and cooled
• 1 pkg Candiquik or chocolate almond bark

Instructions

1. Let’s make some dough! In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat together the butter and sugars until creamy. Add the milk and vanilla; beat to combine. Lastly, beat in the flour and pinch of salt until a soft dough forms. Stir in ONE (1) cup of the mini chips.
2. On a foil-lined baking sheet, drop rounded, (scant) Tablespoon-sized balls of dough. I used a cookie dough scoop for this and just scantily filled it so the cookie dough balls wouldn’t be so big. Freeze the cookie dough balls for about an hour to firm up.
3. Cut the brownies into small squares, about 1″ in size. Pick up a square and gently flatten it with your palm. Fudgy brownies will flatten easily and retain their moisture which is why it’s important to make sure you use a fudgy brownie mix rather than a cake-y one.
4. Place a cookie dough ball in the middle of the flattened brownie and very gently, wrap the brownie around the cookie dough ball. If the brownie cracks, that’s okay; just kind of roll it in your fingers until the brownie completely surrounds the cookie dough. Repeat until all cookie dough balls are covered, then return to the freezer for 30 minutes or so.
5. Prepare chocolate bark according to package directions. Using a fork, dip each brownie truffle into the chocolate, coat completely, and allow excess to drip off. Return to the foil-line sheet and sprinkle the tops with the remaining cup of mini chips, for garnish. Store these bad boys in the fridge or freezer, in an airtight container.
6. **Note: You may have extra balls of cookie dough leftover. May I suggest making cinnamon rolls or stuffed Oreos? Or, uh, eat them? Why am I telling you what to do with cookie dough?**

Source: http://thedomesticrebel.com/2013/02/20/chocolate-chip-cookie-dough-brownie-bombs/

If you're looking for something to bake, i reccommend looking at the above site :)

Urge to exercise

If you are tired then you should listen to your body and rest.  There is no point in forcing yourself to exercise because you're most probably NOT going to enjoy it. And you know what, if you are forcing yourself to exercise even though you dont want to or dont have the energy for it. Then that is a sign that you dont have a healthy relationship with exercise and you need to force yourself to rest. Exercise should not be a way to compensate for eating. Or take away the guilt for eating.

   If that is the case then you need to rethink why you are exercising and take a break from exercising.

I remember the first time I listened to my body and didnt exercise even though I had planned to. It was in 2011 when I had just been allowed to start exercising again. And had started going to school again
   I had had a really long day in school abd was reslly tired. But I had planned to run. I had set days where I was allowed to exercise  abd for a certain amount of time. So I had to . Or thats what it felt like anyway.
  

 So I came home from school and changed into my running gear and went outside and began to run.  But i had no energy.  I didnt want to run. I was forcing myself to. 10 minutes into my run I stopped and realised that if I ran, even if I didnt want to, then I was listening to my ED. So instead I walked back home and asked my mum to buy a tub of Ben and Jerrys ice cream. And even if I had anxiety,  because I went against the voice in my head.  It was a step towards full recovery and by the end of the day the anxiety had passed and I felt better.

Did something bad happen to me?  Did I gain weight? No. I took a step towards full recovery and a healthy relationship with exercise.

If you feel guilty for not exercising, or skipping a workout. Then that is a sign that you  do not have a healthy relationship with exercise. And then it is even more important that you dont exercise. Even if that is hard. 

  It is not going to get easier or better by constantly forcing your body to exercise, even though you dont have the energy for it. And the fun part of exercising is gone.

  And in the long run it can cause serious problems.

Read about over exercising HERE.

So.... what to do instead?

  There are many things. I find that on the days i am too tired to exercise, or dont feel like working out. Then i have spa days. Because, well.... when you workout often, its easy to forget about things like moisturising your legs/face masks/painting your nails/spending extra long time washing your hair... or things like that.

  So then you feel really pampered afterwards! Refreshed and relaxed.

Or if you enjoy baking/cooking! On rest days, i usually bake or make some meals for the week. (Things like sweet potatoe fries/veggie burgers which i can just heat up for dinner after long school days) Or snacks which i can have for the week! 

Watch films or series. Clean your room (though maybe its best to do things that dont crave too much energy, if you are tired). 

  Read a book. Write. Skype/call a friend/family.

Do things that take your mind away from exercising, or the guilt of not exercising.

You dont constantly need to workout, and in fact... if you want to see results. Rest is important. And if your body is tired, then that is a sign you need to rest. 

  On rest days, or days where i am feeling extra tired then i infact EAT MORE! To really give my body the energy it needs.

  I am not scared or worried that i will gain wieght because i dont exercise and eat more now and again. That is part of a healthy diet/lifestyle. To eat more some days and not worry about it. Because it balances out. 

  

DO things which you enjoy. If you feel guilty, then try writing/talking about it. 

Beating exercise addiction is hard... its just like any addiction. But it needs to be done, because you wont  get better if you are constantly listening to the voice in your head and following your addiction.

Ireland

Good morning :)
 
Something which i haven't written alot about is the fact that on Thursday (2 days from now) i am going to Ireland. The fact that i havent written so much about it, is because i haven't thought about it so much, even though i have a whole load of feelings about it.
  Infact, i have had times where i've just wanted to cancel my trip. Where the anxiety has been too much, and i've felt, i can't cope with going back to Ireland. So my way to deal with that anxiety, and fear... is to not think about it, until the moment that i am sitting on the bus to the airport... then i know i will have a whole deal of anxiety.

Why do i have anxiety about going back to Ireland? Well, because it feels like im travelling back into my past. I have been to Ireland twice since i've recovered. And both times have gone great, even if i had alot of home longing and a bit of anxiety.
  It's more the fear of the unknown, even though i know exactly what i will do, how things will go, where i am going, how everything looks... it still feels like the unknown to me.
   I love travelling, but i love travelling to new places. New adventures, experiencing new things. But when i travel to Ireland, its not anything new. Its the past.
   And i don't like it.

Do i get triggered going back to Ireland? No, not really. But i do get loads of memories... memories which i would rather hide from, then have to face straight forward. Sometimes its easier to run from your past, from your memories than have to deal with them.


To me,  Ireland isn't a place i long back to. Infact, it's almost a place i  run from. And the only reason i go back, is because my dad & step brother still live there & my best friend. But apart from that, there is nothing left there for me.
  Of course, there is still our old house which i haven't been back to since 2010 - the day i got released from the hospital & the day before i left for Sweden, and since then... ive never been back. I have all my old stuff there. Old books, clothes, toys.... but they were from when i was younger. I have diaries filled with thoughts from the depressed 12 year old i was. My desk which i used to have is marked with lines and words written from an angry girl with alot of self hate.
  All that Ireland holds for me is memories which i would rather forget.

Though sometimes it's not so easy to run from your past. To run from memories.... because the memories dont fade... they aren't forgotten.


I am happy to see my dad again, and my step brother. I dont have any solid plans of what i will be doing, but i guess going into 'town' which to me, really isnt anything compared to Stockholm. Do some shopping. Go for long walks. Go for runs. See my best friend. Eat in restaurants and just spend time with my dad.
   I'm also thinking about getting a tattoo (as it's alot cheaper there than here in Sweden.) I really want the tattoo, i know exactly what i want and where, i am still not fully certain if i should or not...  and as tattoos are forever. (sort of?) then it shouldnt be a rash decision. But i think it will end up being a spontaneous decision while im there, whether i do it or wait until im back in Sweden and feel 100% sure.

I will be gone frmo Thursday to Monday, so its just a short stay. But that is just the right amout of time to spend with my dad, and do a few things in Ireland without going absaloutly crazy with anxiety and home longing.
  It will also be a challenge for me, to face my fears head on...

 

Recovery affirmations

http://recoveryaffirmations.tumblr.com/