Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Monday, September 30, 2013

Chocolate and tea

The perfect way to end a Monday... and the end of September?
With tea and chocolate (& my bed and my computer!!)

Its not that im feeling tired, im just feeling unmotivated. I dont want tomorrow to come... i have both a test and a debate today... and i just don't want to.
Today has been a slow day, havent done much at all.... it feels like all i have done it eat!! haha ^_^ But thats how it is somedays.
For now, i am going to log off and spend the next while just lying in bed munching on chocolate and not doing anything at all.

Blog updates wont be so regular for the next few days, because school is so stressful. And i will try to get around to replying to emails as soon as i can.
But leave a little comment about what you want to read about just so i know :)

Feeling like this....

Feeling full

That uncomfortable feeling when you have eaten too much ... Yup, me at the moment.
   For some reason, i think my stomach has shrunk... Or just the fact that my apetite is at zero...  So its extra important for me to eat more... which i forced myself to do today.
   And now all i want to do is lie down and not move at all.... because moving makes me feel like puking (thats how full i am).
  But instead, i haveto get ready for school -_-

The full feeling after eating is common when you start recovery, as your body isnt used to the amount of food... and it takes time for your body to adapt. But my best advice, just try to relax. If you get anxiety because you feel full, do something calm like writing or drawing, playing an instrument or just lieing down. Infact sleeping can help you digest food..
   Drinking some herbal tea can also help...

But know that it is ok to feel full.... its an uncomfortable feeling. But it will pass.... ad in time, yes it can take a few weeks, it will pass. You just need to let your body adapt. And remember, that eating food is ok. And if you need to gain weight, or like me to eat ALOT of food, then know that you are doing your body good!!! :)

Anorexia is.....

Im not ready for a new week

Mentally, i am not at all ready for a new week....  It feels like time is going by too fast. I mean, its already 30th September. Only 3 months left of the year...  And as much as i am longing for December, because of all the good things happening then... i still want time to slow down. Just so that i can keep up, haha!!

This week will be stressful, i have tests and assignments due all this week, and next week i have presentations and my english essay due. So it will be hard work this week, and i will have to be very time efficient, so that i can get everything done, but at the same time have time for friends and plenty of rest for myself.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Need to eat more

Today while i was at my sisters place, we ended up talking about eating disorders and healthy eating/exercise etc And one thing which made me smile was that she said that, she really doesnt care about how much i exercise, or how often. Because she knows that it makes me happy, and that i can manage that amount of exercise. It feels like at times i almost have to defend myself to certain people when they know how much i exercise... but i shouldnt have to do that.
  But anyway, my sister did say that it looked like i had lost weight, which i was shocked over... Like what? No i havent.  But the thing is, i dont see that type of thing. If i start feeling tired, or dont have the same amout of energy, then i can suspect that i need to eat more... but i dont feel more tired? I dont often get those types of comments, so when i do... i do listen to them. We dont have a scale at home, so i have no idea how much i weigh and whether i have lost or not.
I dont count calories or weigh food or any of that, so no idea how much i actually eat.... but im thinking, maybe i better check to see if i actually am getting enough. (Because i know that when im stressed in school, which i am at the moment, i can start eating less without actually realising it... i.e when im stressed in school, i end up eating less, feel more tired, can become depressed etc) so  even though i dont feel ive lost weight, or feel more tired.... i am going to consciously start eating more... just incase ;) I mean, adding some weight for winter will just help keep me warmer ;) hahaha XD

For dinner i ate a huge portion, and ate so much that i didnt even have space for dessert O_O Which was Ben and Jerrys... So much for having 2 stomachs. hahah
  But it was the flavour strawberry cheesecake, which i dont think is any nice anyway...

Something else, when i said no to dessert, both my mum & my sister were almost shocked... and it felt weird saying no. That i wasnt hungry. (And it felt even worse because earlier my sister and I had talked about eating disorders, and she had even asked if i allow myself junk food and that, considering i exercise alot. And yes, of course i do. Whenever i crave it or want it... or say if im with friends etc) but tonight, i neither wanted it, or had room for it. And it just felt... wrong and weird. And almost wanted to eat a bowl anyway, just to show that yes i can.
  But then i was like... but they know i can eat Ben and Jerrys. I can eat ice cream and junk food. And it definitely doesnt make me sick, or anything because i say no once... But still.... it felt weird :/

Anyway, now before bed i have just eaten c.a 400g quark mixed with some yoghurt & granola & raisins!!! Super yummy & now im super full!!

And to all of you.... its ok to eat before bed. And its ok to eat carbs after 6pm!! haha... those myths are so stuppid. I mean, i eat my night snack 30-60 minutes before bed everyday, because otherwise i'll wake up hungry in the middle of the night!!!

study. study. study. eat. eat. eat.

Busy studying... or not studying ;) Mainly chatting!!
But now im taking a break from all my studying. ;)

Studying & cleaning

As the title says, my day today is just gonna consist of studying and cleaning. Nothing exciting.
 But im going to my sisters place this afternnon to study, so hopefully i'll get something done.

So im going to spend the morning cleaning my room, and getting a few other things done, like planning for next week. Writing my to do lists. Going through my photos on my phone (like 1000 pictures... hah - not so much compared to some. But a thousand photos in just 2-3 weeks XD) and just general things like that.

This was breakfast this morning: (& 2 eggs ;))

^^ Was out for a long walk with Daisy this morning, and afterwards we went to the dog park... but all she does is sit there and stare!!! XD

Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.

Hmmm, this is hard....
  I know how my perfect day would be spent with the person i like/love.... but a perfect date? Hmmm

Well, i'd like to go somewhere nice to eat.... maybe a sushi buffe, or a vegetarian buffe. And we eat dinner & dessert as well ('cus that is always needed when you go out to eat, according to me ;) Its like i have two stomachs, 1 for main courses and 1 for sweet/dessert ;)) 
And then after dinner, we go for a walk somewhere and just talk... :)

But another 'perfect date' would be... just being with the person which i like. Whether its going to the cinema, or just sitting at mine/or their place and watching a film & eating popcorn. Or something....
   So far, i have never had a perfect date, but im hoping sometime soon i will :)


Saturday, September 28, 2013


Good evening :)
I have had a really good evening tonight!!
   I met 2 of my friends at the bus station, after a 50 minute long journey (why does everyone live so far away...?) and then we walked to our friends house.... But we ended up knocking on the wrong door, and an old man answered, he was almost angry at us for knocking!! haha XD
   But we managed to find the right house!!

In total there were 6 of us (from our school) and then 2 of B's friends from another school.
   For dinner we had pizza. Ive said before, that i dont like pizza.... But im not someone to make a fuss, and so i ate it anyway. I mean, i dont want to go hungry ;)

After lots of talking, and lots of pizza... it was time for dessert!!
Chocolate cake & a chocolate granish with fresh reaspberries and ice cream..
*Sugar shock*
But it was super yummy!!!

One of B's friends, the one who doesnt go to our school... i suspect that she has an ED, or something weird.
Just her behaviour, around food.... the way she was staring, at everyone else eating, but barely ate anything at all. Went to the bathroom directly after she had eaten, only tiny amount.
Hahah, it sounds like i was analyzing her... I wasnt.
I just notice those types of behaviours....

And then after dessert, her and the other girl who doesnt go to our school began talking about going on a diet... 
Like, i shoudlnt have eaten the food. And that they've had a fat week.
And were going to cut out all junk food & carbs. And go on the 5:2 diet.
Saying things like they'll feel so much better afterwards, and that they needed to lose weight..
According to me, they didnt.

But hearing them talking like that... usch. It annoyed me LOADS!! And i couldnt jsut move because i was sitting beside them.
I mean fine... talk about those things, but dont do it at the table (the others didnt hear, as they had another conversation).

Talking about food/diet/losing weight/foods not to eat... or commenting about what others are eating, is according to me... not ok at the table.
And that kind of talk, in general just annoys me. 
Because i know so much better... and its lik ei want to shake some sense into girls like that. Telling them that going on a silly 2 week crash diet, or a carb free diet isnt going to last....
I want to teach people proper nutritional knowledge... not just go after what the latest trend is.
And to teach people to learn to love their bodies and themselves instead of always striving to lose weight.
Because as they say, if you dont love yourself before you lose weight, why are you going to love yourself after you've lost weight?

^¨Sorry, just my little rant... but i felt i had to get it out of my system ;)

Now im home again, and filled with energy because of all the sugar from the cake... haha.
No idea what to do with myself.... wont be able to sleep!! XD

I miss being a kid

Dinner with friends

Hello :)
   I am sorry for my bad update, i just haven't felt like blogging at all.... 
I started my Saturday with a trip to the gym, where i did Bodypump. Came home and ate lunch and began with my pile of school work.... got all my homework done & prepared for tests next week.... but im struggling loads with my essay. Just sitting staring at what ive written, and just cant motivate myself to edit it, or do anymore research, even though ive only come half way.... (sorry for the very unintresting information ;))
  But im hoping that i can have a study date with my sister tomorrow!!! 

Ive just sat in my pyjamas/cosy clothes studying & eating for most of the day!! haha XD
But now, i've finally gotten ready and put make up & normal clothes because tonight i'm going to a friends house for dinner. It's going to be a groupd of us (my friends from school) so hopefully it will be a really good evening :) 

10 ways to be happy

Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.

My afternoon sanck

Yoghurt mixed with quark. Warm raspberries & granola.
&& a handful...or two.... or three (Dont judge me ;)) of salted nuts & raisins. (They're my weakness.... trsut me. Its not even funny... if we have salted nuts in the house, there is about a 150% chance that i will munch on them continuosly until they're gone!!)

Friday, September 27, 2013

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

Finally Friday!! What a relief ;)

My day today has been long, like all my other days!!
School today was short, only 3 lessons (but with 1 long lunch break). I had planned on going to the gym during my long lunch break (after lunch of couse ;)) but i realised i had forgotten my gym card... so, decided to just skip that today ;)
   After school i stayed and worked on some assignments, as my mum was going to pick me up and we were going to go food shopping.

After my mum had picked me up, we picked up my sister and then P from his job and we drove to the supermarket ;) Is it weird that i like food shopping? All the fresh fruit and vegetables. And picking what musli/granola you want for the week, and what yoghurt flavour etc ;) hahaha

^^I wanted to buy a Reeses peanut btuter cup... but didnt :(

When we came home, we were all starving, so quickly made some tacos for dinner ;)
Because Friday isnt Friday without tacos!!

And now its just to catch up on whats been happening on my social media ;)
Blogs to read, instagram accounts to look at, facebook newsfeed to refresh!!
Hahah, havent had time to blog, or look at FB or anything!! XD

¨^^¨And heres a picture of me ;)

30 day blog challenge

So far i've started loads of blog challenges, but only successfully finished 1.... so eerrhhh, not high hopes that i will finish this blog challenge. But Hey, if i can manage a week thats good progress ;)

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself 2 years ago
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 –A song to match your mood
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – Nicknames you have & how or why you have them.
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 -- Your day, in great detail
Day 14 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – In this past month, what have you learned.
Day 29 –Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

When food goes from enjoyment to anxiety

In todays society, it feels like half of the people, or younger generation anyway have a pretty fucked up relationship with food.
   Everyday, we are bombarded with images of thin models, and an ideal body. We see adds to lose weight. Foods we shouldn't eat. Foods that are bad. Foods that we should eat. New diets. Ways to exercise... bombarded with information, and not all the information is right.
   I've seen articles where its said, 'walk away 5kg in a week.', 'foods you should never eat again' 'Skip lunch and exercise'
   I dont even read those articles, because just the title makes me mad...

People know so little about nutrition. All they care about is calories... but that mind set is so wrong. I mean while i was sick, it went from eating 1200 calories scared me loads, to finally i couldnt even eat a whole apple because 80 calories was too much....
It feels like there is not really anything normal about the way people eat or think about food anymore... Because so many people, do have a sort of eating disorderd way of thinking about food.
   They think about losing weight, skipping carbs or fats. Putting restrictions on certain foods...getting anxiety after eating too much. But the difference i guess is that, its just phases. With an eating disorder, it goes from just a 'diet' or a 'phase' to something very secretive & alot of body hate.
  Also, the difference is, is that most eating disorders arent about the actual food... its about something else... so you control food, and the less you eat, the more you hate your body and your appearance.
  But with 'normal people' and they're unhealthy relationship with food, its more about wanting to look a certain way.

It feels like almost everyday, whether its at school, at the gym, on publis transport or something, i hear someone talking about some new diet they're started or how they want to lose weight. Or cut out a certain food group... I dont judge, but sometimes it feels like that is all people talk about. 
   Or when girls complain about how fat they are....  i mean, i have my days where i feel awful and fat. But i dont stand infront of the mirror in school and tell my friends about how fat i am... (Though i guess its almost hte same thing, when i write it on my blog? haha XD But thats different... sort of?)


Thank you Hilary duff. I love you.

needed to reblog this again
I personally think a helthy relationship with food is when, you care about your body and give it good healthy food. I mean you dont have to be extremely health conscious, but know that you are eating good food. But can also eat junk food sometimes, because you know that it is ok. And as long as you are not overweight, then you know that eating junk food now and again is fine, and is not going to hurt you/be bad for you.
  You should eat food you enjoy, without anxiety. Making choices that are good for you, but also making unhealthier choices sometimes just because.....

Food is energy. And we need that energy. Whether we lie in bed all day, or sit at a desk all day, or are super active. We need that energy. And it doesnt matter if we ate loads the day before, or loads of junk food, we still need to eat the next day...
  Skipping meals is not healthy, and having anxiety after eating is not healthy either.




yep, sounds right.

I’m part of that 60%

Also, counting calories is not healthy. Because you know what, you could eat one of those 100 snack bars,or a 99 calorie chips bag or you could eat a banana. And i can tell you, the banana is alot better for you and will give you more energy and fill you up more.
   And the same with, you could eat X amount of calories in chips, or X amount of calories in nuts.... and the nuts are alot healthier for you. And also to add, its ok to choose chips over nuts, or a 100 snack bar over a banana now and again!!! So even if there is a healthier option, you dont always have to choose it.
   Thats the difference between healthy & (healthy to the extreme of unhealthy!)
And also, people are so scared of calories.... they want to eat so low as possible, but i have learnt from my mistakes and know that that doesnt help anything.
   Infact, the more i eat, the better i feel... physically and mentally!! Food like nuts, avocado, coconut oil, salmon etc, they may be high in calories, but they are good calories.

Food should be an enjoyment. Not a burden. Not somethign which we constantly think about, or worry about. I mean, i dont plan my meals... When i get hungry, i go to the fridge/pantry, see what we have and then make my decision... unless im craving something beforehand, and make that.
   But i dont spend my days wondering what i am going to eat, or planning my food. Or counting calories... i take it as it comes. Because some days im more hungry, other days im less hungry... and thats the balance of healthy!

So start enjoying food, and stop seeing food as weight gain. Because it isnt like that....
   People lack so much information, and are feed the wrong information from media!!!


If you love fitness follow this blog now!let-you-define-you:

Strayed away from my usual fat free (a.k.a ED friendly) pancakes and tried out a new whole wheat pancake recipe! Definitely a new favourite- Whole wheat pancake stack with maple roasted plums, sliced banana, and I also had a chai tea latte. Happy birthday Canada!