Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Life.

Recently, ive been pondering alot about life...My will to live, goes up and down.... somedays, anxiety takes over and i have no will to live. Otherdays i'm high on life.... but most of the time.... im just surviving. Not sure whether i want to live or die. Not really caring. Im not exactly a becon of hope & light!
   
But recently ive been thinking, what do i want to do with my life? I mean, by now im guessing most of you know that i have an extreme fear of the future and growing old. But at the same time, i want to grow old? I want to experience things. I want to travel and have adventure. I want to find a partner, go to college. Live in my own apartment. Run a marathon. Graduate from high school. Go to clubs. Make memories... and just live life.
   I just want to experience the good things, not the bad. Ive been called strong & a survivor, as ive been through so much, yet im still standing on my own two feet. Though just hearing that makes, me laugh... as i dont believe it. Yes, i am still alive. Yes im still living.... but then again, am i really? It feels like im still going through this 'tough period' just waiting for it to end.
  Though some days are better then others.

Life.... im not even going to get into the meaning of life, though for me, it means helping others. (Which is something which ive pondered over recently aswell... i.e ive wondered why i still blog? I mean, it has no benefit for me... before it was me writing out my emotions how i felt. What i was going through. Though i dont do that as much anymore. I feel that it is to triggering, and if i were to write out how i felt, this blog could become depressive.... and thats not how i want it. Though im making myself out to seem depressed now... but i amnt. Really. I know the difference between being depressed, and just feeling low... and this is just a lack of energy and feeling low. Im not feeling suicidal/depressed.
  But i feel im blogging more for my readers sake... so kinda sucks that nobody comments, or anything. Lets me know that they are reading. :/ Kinda seems like a waste of time... though i guess im not so great at replying, am I?)

Im thinking alot about the future, and what it may bring... i mean. Having to have a job, going to college. Earning my own money. Living on my own. Balancing life. Finding a partner....
   So much responsibility. Im not scared of responsibility... in all honesty. I quite like it... though it sets alot of pressure and stress.
 But im waiting until i finish school, then i can finally work, earn my own money. Live in my own apartment. Really, i would like a job now... but that is quite unrealistic. As i am barely managing to go to school, get my work done. Go to the gym and meet friends... adding work to that, is just gonna mean that i have no social life, and barely get to go to the gym....
   
Also, recently... im feeling really lonely... and the fact is that its valentines day in 2 days... and me, well yet again. Im forever alone.
  It feels like everywhere i look, people are in love or have a partner.... :/ My friends... my sister, my mum..... And well Me... Forever alone? It really sucks. :/ I want to feel some love...
  Though i mean, its not like you just go to a supermarket and pick up a boyfriend... If only it were that easy? ;)
  I guess, i'll just be single again this year... :( Hahah.. My life feels very tragic at the moment.

My head is filled with thoughts. Thoughts about the future and life.... sometimes just in the middle of doing something, i get struck by... how small i really am. I mean i look around, and everywhere there are people. People moving about, getting things done. Travelling to where they have to go. Everyone living their lives..... We're all so small. Just a tiny piece of this universe.
 
Somedays i also wonder, what am i doing with my life? I seriously dont want to spend 8 hours a day in school... i want to be out travelling. Experiencing things... adventure. Not stuck in a building. I want ot live life... it feels like my life is postponed until i graduate... but then once i graduate... then it will be work. College? Its not like ill be doing anything exciting then....
  I feel i want a change. I want adventure and excitment!

8 comments:

  1. For me you're not wasting your time. As you have said, ypu help people. I check out your blog several times per day, hoping that you have blogged:) I'm going through a very rough time, havin suicidal thoughts and feeling depressed but I can't share them with anybody :(
    Carol:)

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    1. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time.. :/ That sucks. If you want to just let everything out, dont be scared to email me. I can try to help, in whatever way i can... or even if you jsut want to tell someone...?
      I know how tough it is to go through depression and suicidal thoughts. And i still go through patchs like that :/ You just cant give in to those thoughts. Even if it is hard, get up every morning, and try to do something. DOnt let the suicidal thoughts, or the anxiety take over....
      :/
      I'm here for you if you need help!

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  2. That is exactly how I feel, Izzy! I want to be out of school, having adventures, going to clubs, making mistakes. I want to be with my friends and having a good time. I don't want to be wasting my life with school, though I know I need it.
    Even when we graduate, it's like you said. College, work, responsibility. No time to really be a kid. Growing up scares the living crap out me. I mean, I don't want to grow up, grow old. I don't want to have to watch my life pass by. But there's a balance. It might not seem like it, but there is.
    About your blog, I am horrible at commenting. Just horrible. I don't know why, because I have all these things in my head that I want to say, but I just don't say them. Every post you write, I read. I take enjoyment in reading, and learning about you. I love the way you write, and who you are as a person, or as much as I have gotten to know you through you blog.
    Don't get rid of it, please? I'm sure i'm not the only one that feels this way. I love to look back at your posts, and read them. Some of the posts from months ago that you wrote, still encourage me, still give me hope. They still make me laugh, or smile. If I could take a few of your posts and repost them, that would be amazing, but it wouldn't be the same. Because they are your words not mine.
    I read you other blog as well, though I don't always go to Wordpress so I have all your posts sent to my email. I read them there, though of course you wouldn't know that.
    I promise that i'll start trying to comment more. Really, I don't know why I don't.
    I also think that you should be able to write out on your blog how you feel. Even if it's just sad, or upset, or anything. Even if you're euphorically happy. You should still write it out. Why? Because it makes you as a person. No other person is just like you. And I mean, to see that you still struggle, and that you have days where you feel like you don't want to keep going... To know that you *get over them* even if it takes a while, it's inspiring. It makes me think that I can get over it too. That it won't be like this forever.
    I guess what i'm getting at, is that your blog is an amazing place. Even if you write horrible things, or feel low, it's still amazing. Because you're a person. You have mood swings. But you don't let them get you down. You overcome things. You really are a strong person, and you're still standing, even after you've gone through so much.
    I want to be like you. Someday, somehow, I want to be like you. When I recover, when I am happy again, I want to be like you. That's not to say that i'm not happy now, but i'm different from you.

    I'm sure that I've written way too much!! xD But just so you know, I'm sure i'm not the only one that finds you amazing.
    Or that finds hope and courage in your blog.
    Don't give up writing here.
    Your bad times make you more real as a person, instead of just someone who's happy all the time. It makes you more relatable. Xxx
    Overall, it's your choice. That's just my opinion. Love you Izzy. Xxxx

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    1. Hahah, exactly.. i dont want to waste time in school .But i know i need to go to school... Or more, so im told!! haha
      And dont worry, you comment loads :) Or compared to others anyway! And i have to apologize, for not replying.. :( I suck at that!! haha Dont feel any pressure to comment!! :)
      As long as i know im helping in some way :) And if you ever do want to 'repost a post' i've made, just let me know!! I dont mind you reposting it... as long as you link the source/my blog :)
      Im not planning on getting rid of the blog... or not for now. More that im gonna stop reading others blogs.... or some anyway!!

      Naaw, you are so kind :) And thank you for the lovely words. You will be healthy one day. You will be happy, though i wouldnt aim to be like me!! haha. But as you said, i am only a human... i have my bad days and my mood swings!! But im still stnading on two feet. Which is the most important! Never give up. I knwo you are struggling, and finding it hard. And dont want to recover.It is such a hard decision, and i wish i could help you. Stand beside you, and help you with everything you're going through because you dont deserve it.
      But the best i can do is try to support you through my words....

      Thank you so much. x

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  3. that's pretty normal, i think everybody's had this thoughts in a moment in ther lives. I just want you to know that your blogging has helped me a lot and i'm sure it has helped others. Life's meant to be this way, some days are better and you have expectations and there are some that are quite lone and you feel forever alone jajaja but i guess that's pretty normal and just to make you feel better, i'm feeling so forever alone too jaja

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    1. I am glad that i have helped, in some way....
      And you are right, life isnt perfect. Some days are great, while others suck. And of course we have expectations, which dont always turn out the way we had thought. We have just got to roll with it... and know that life will have its ups and downs.
      I know how it feels to feel alone. :/ And it sucks.... i wish i could give some good advice... but it feels stupid to give advice if i dont know your situation...:/
      I hope things get better for you.

      xx

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  4. Hey Izzy. I'm feeling the same way...as if life ought to be lived to the fullest, and yet I'm not living it that way. I guess it's hard doing things on human willpower alone--usually we need a cause, or higher goal, don't you think?
    What is it that you always loved to do, since being a kid? Did you ever play a certain thing with your siblings, or just in your head? For instance, I used to play "medieval times" with my sister and friends...we'd all pretend we were wearing old-fashioned dresses, and I went around riding a horse constantly (in my head, of course!) I'd even carry a little stick to hold and just pretend it was part of my 'reins'. Here's something interesting: I love horses, and when I recover, I want to ride horses all the time--but somehow helping people. An opportunity could come for me to go to a ranch in Colorado once I get better. So that part of my childhood, which was so vital to me as a kid (getting to play outside= a must!) now could really be a part of my whole life to come! BUT here's another interesting thing: that stick I used--I would beat myself with that stick. Not overly, but I would do it, and feel---like I was in control of something. Like it was good to hurt, to feel pain, and suffer. I know it's weird, but I think that ever since I was a kid I've been a little "off"---as if I LIKED suffering. I think that contributed a lot to my anorexia--I liked it when people told my mom I looked like I was from a prison camp. That meant I was suffering. And suffering for something must be good (or so I thought.) I'm now realizing: no, suffering for evil is not right. Suffering for no one but yourself is selfish, wrong. BUT imagine loving other people so much, you were willing to step in and take the beating for them. Imagine not setting out to suffer, but setting out to love--I mean, love in the sense of complete goodwill and service, without expecting any recompense, or paycheck. I think as humans, we in some ways need to suffer. When we're not taking risks helping others, we get selfish and take risks on ourselves, which hurts us and gets us trapped into addictions, etc. But when we're just living our life thinking about and putting others first,we naturally will run into risks, disappointments, anger, confusion...because loving endlessly is impossible for humans! But this is what life is: a war. Between life and death, joy and sorrow, hope and despair; every day is a choice. You're not necessarily a survivor, Izzy. We're all more like warriors. Because we have fought one battle does not mean we will be excused from the next one that comes...every day is a battle, for some; for others, they have prolonged times of peace. But the fight will arise, and there is, as my mom says, no way out, but through.
    So I guess my advice is, fight the good fight. And don't trust your feelings. Trust the truth, because it never disappoints.
    much love,
    Lizzie

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  5. Oooh this post is so strangely relevant to me!!!! If you go to youtube and type in "if money were no object alan watts" there is a really inspirational video - I think you'd like it <3 Lots of love <3 <3 let me know what you think :P

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