Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Cystic Fibrosis.

Doesnt really help my way of thinking when i end up looking at stories of other girls/guys who have CF.... and those stories arent exactly what you would call pretty or happy endings.

   I have never really thought about CF being deadly... as it has never had such a bad affect on me. Of course while i was younger, it was alot worse. I take loads of pills everyday. I have to do an inhaler 2-3 times a day... though i cant say im so great at actually doing that...
But while growing up, i was constantly sick. At home in bed, not having the energy to do anything but move from my room to the sofa. I had about 30/40% attendance in school. I spent 1 - 1,5 months in hospital once or twice a year to have IV's. And those weeks/months sucked... stuck in hospital. With horrible food (Have you ever tried hospital food? Its awful.)

  I have alwaays been underwieght due to my CF, as i have never had such a big apetite. And CF takes so much energy daily.
I mean when i was younger (Pre ED) my intake looked a bit like this: cheerios & milk & soda bread with butter and cheese & a 30ml shot of callogen. (High calorie supplement drink) 
Snack: Half a sandiwch or a cereal bar. Lunch: 1 butter and cheese sandwich (Either a bagel/wrap or pita bread) Snack: Fruit Dinner: Whatever was cooked. Night snack: 4 digestives with nutella & cream / hot chocolate / pringles/chocolate /soda bread with cheese.
 I ate alot of high calorie food to keep my energy intake high. THough of course at that time, i had no idea about calories... it was just my mum who made sure i ate and ate enough. Though my weight never really got higher.
   There was a time when i was 12/13 and i started reading more about CF, and i get very sad (it was around this time my ED began) i realised that with CF, the life span is not as long as 'average' humans. I knew i was different, and i hated it. I hated having to send so much time away from school, and i hated going back to school after being home sick for 6 weeks.... 
  And around this time, i stopped taking my CF meds. I protested. I was tired of taking medicines and being different... of having to do my inhalers... i hated it.
 By this time my weird eating habits had begun. Because i stopped taking my meds, i became sick very quickly. And i remember i was home sick for 6 weeks or so, and lost my apetite altogether. And then i was so sick i was admitted to hospital where i was for 6 weeks or so,.... 
But anyway... that was just my little story.. 
  It feels like my CF has gotten better, i mean the older i get, the better care i can take of myself. And i am eating healthy, and exercising daily (Which is one of the best things i can do for my CF, as it gets the mucus out of my lungs and boosts my immune system - That is another reason why i do exercise... as in a way, I actually have to. Though i just love exercising, so its not a have to for me!!)
   So i am alot better then i was when i was younger.

But i dont know... it just makes me sad. Thinking, i dont want to be sick... i dont want an illness. I just want to be healthy... completly healthy. I hate going for check ups. I hate having to take pills. I hate finding it hard to breathe. Though i know i shouldnt complain, as i mean people with diabetes or cancer or other illnesses have it the same...
My doctor told me in summer as well that they wanted to admit me for IV's, as that is something which is done annually for people with CF - to keep them healthy. But i refused... I am never going to be admitted to hospital again. Not for my CF, and not for an ED either... not even for self harm or depression. I am never going back to a hospital again. My time at Mando has scarred me.
  Though i know, that sooner or later i will be admitted due to my CF... and that, once again is nothing i can say or do about.

My CF, i believe is a major reason why i did develop my ED. as because of my CF, and other factors, i dont have so much control over my life. I can become sick so easily. I am not normal. etc...

This post has become long... but i just felt i had to write this out.
   Im feeling sad at the moment.... thinking more about things.

I mean, i dont have such a great will to live,.... but still. Knowing that really, my chances of living to 80 arent so great... it makes me sad. Though really,  i dont actually want to live until im 80. Ive said - and still say. That ill die at 30 (dont ask why)... though that might just be true... :/

A fight which will never end.

1 comment:

  1. Hun you are such a trooper. i know how hard it is to live with an illness that dictates alot of how your life has to be... i will never be fully cured from my M.E and blood conditions, but we cant let ourselves be ruled by pills and doctors.
    I too rebelled against my condition, deciding i didnt want any more doctors and tests, but it didnt help me and i ended up in a worse state than i was and then of course, came the ED....
    Even tho we will never be fully "healthy", we still have to take care of ourselves, this is the only body we get and so we have to treat it with love and kindness...
    and who wants to be "normal" anyways!!!! we are unique and thats what makes us special :-)