Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Thursday, January 31, 2013

Food Diary

I was asked if i could post more pictures of my snacks... and i guess i could. But 1) I always forget to take pictures and 2) It never looks appetizing. I usually just through something together, or i just like make 2 sandwiches and take a handful of nuts... Or i have this huge bowl of like scrambled eggs & loads of veggies, and it jsut looks a mess.
  But if i do eat a snack, and it looks ok. (Not jsut a mess of food!) Ill share it :) haha.
 Ive made a whole deal posts of 'snack ideas', but let me know if you want more :) (if i can even think of any!)

And i will post new recipes if make something good... or i just find any good recipes.

And i also got asked if i could post a food diary... so here is todays intake:

Breakfast: Fiber oatmeal mixed with 1 egg white. A few cashews & raisins & sunflower seeds. Banana & soy milk.

Snack: Handful of salted peanuts.

Lunch: Baked fish, rice & tomatoe/salsa sauce. & Veggies.

Afterworkout: Protein shake

Snack: 3 fried egg whites, salad. Handful of nuts. A cup of greek yoghurt & 4 of my date & cashew balls!

Dinner: Chicken & avocado salad & quark.

Snack: Vanilla yoghurt & mango & half a banana & protein shake.

Your questions.

Thank you for posting some ideas, or what you want to read!!
  I am seriously busy this week & the next 2 weeks (3 actually... -_-) but i am going to try to get around to answering & writing about all those topics!! :) So bear with me :)



Confidence.

Confidence which is something i lack, but it is very important. To be confident in yourself, and what you are doing. When you are confident, you appear happier, more social and more knowing.

Though i lack confidence and self esteem... but on somedays, i can fake confidence!

What i love doing in the morning, when i have time is, to straighten my hair, pick out a really nice outfit (one which i feel confident in), spend extra time on my make up. And make myself feel good, because when i feel good. In my body and what im wearing, then i will go to school/or anywhere, and just like ooze confidence. Because i feel good.
  And its on those days, the days that i feel good. Where things are easier... and i even get more attention :) (hehe... male attention ;) )
 
But on the days where i feel awful, feel low, and feel fat (though that is usually due to bloating/ or anxiety & stress) thats when i just have my hair in a bun/pony tail. Pull on any clothes and try to hide. I just want to hide and not be in public. Its then that i become quite and resigned, and people actually notice the difference in me!!!

My motto is, fake it till you make it!! When i fake confidence, i.e dressing up, making myself feel good, i fake more confident then i actually am!!!


And i feel so much better, even iwhen im just faking confidence!!!

.

A smile from that one guy can make your day 10 times better!! :)

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

-

I really need to study... but i dont have the energy or motivation at all... :/ Usch. Im gonna regret it tomorrow!
  Tomorrow ill sit down and really focus on my work. But tonight.... i feel i need to rest. Watch a few series and just do nothing!!! .... A whole day of nothing basically!!! haha XD

Today, my energy has gone up and down in periods. For like half an hour after school all i wanted to do was run, and i considered heading to the gym. But my energy went away as quick as it came, and instead went for a half an hour walk. And then after the 'foot doctor'? (Hahah.. i dont know the name???!!!) once again i was filled with energy, and just wanted to run.... but now im back home, and my energy is low again. :/
   
Ill rest today/tonight so that i will be filled with energy tomorrow!! :)


^¨Leadership class today... (All of our feet were attached (i.e my left foot was attached to someone elses right foot, and my right foot was attached to someone elses left foot. And then we all had to try to walk through (in a sideways line) through these 5 hoola-hoops. And we couldnt step outside the hoola- hoops!! It was fun, but nerve-wracking when one almost fell over (as that would mean the whole line would come toppling down!) haha XD
^^We had just finished in the picture!

BMR, Food and snacks.

Yesterday, as i was bored and for some reason i decided to check my BMR, which turns out to be 3000 calories...? Ehh... excuse me What?! That actually shocked me. & add that i have CF, and my body craves more energy, just breathing.... I knew i had to eat alot... but not that much? How much did i actually eat to gain weight? Of course the 3000, is because i am active each day (moderatly).....
  And then i decided to use a calories calculator to check how much i actually eat (checked 3 different days)... Well, safe to say i dont eat that much. Once again, shocked that my calorie intake isnt as high as i thought...  
  Wondering why i havent lost weight? (Which is a good thing) But then again, i dont have a scale so i wouldnt know... but i dont think i have.
  But now ive realised, my body can have gone into starvation mode (Which is so weird to think about, as i do actually eat 5-6 times a day.) That could be why 1)im so tired.&  2)Im seriously bloated.....

So.... i now need to increase my intake!!! ^_^
   
But instead of having to eat HUGE snacks, or having to take supplement drinks (i mean, i dont need to gain weight. i just need to have a high intake everyday) ive decided to make some 'high calorie, but small snacks' which i can easily eat inbetween meals, and they're sweet so can be a dessert aswell :)

**They're all based on nuts, PB, chocolate and dates!! Perfect. Small amount, but high energy!
^^Mini cashew & almond & date snack balls with dark chocolate!! Mmmm (I can eat like 5 in one go!)



^¨PB and Dates (the base) & banana and shredded chocolate (Will cut into pieces!)

Though how long those snacks will last, i have no idea!!!

Now hopefully i will be eating the right amount for my body, and get my metabolism kicked up, and get some more energy into :)

 

Advice

I should follow this advice myself..... -_- But i mainly sit in my room on my own because im Tired & anti-social!!! :)




School

Raining and cold this morning!! Not fun. Byt I geaded out into the cold to go to school. First lesson was P.e all we did was CPR. Which ive done before. But it was good as I really didnt feel like moving -  at all
. After that it was civics and we continued with economy - we're haveing a test on economy on Monday. And I am dreadjng it. I keep thinking I dont unserstand. Think im stupid. But actually im not. I answered a load of questions and he told me that I was answering them at an A levek standard! I was really surprised that im not stupud. (Haha.) But you kmow I have a habit of bringing myself down. Telling myself that im worse then I am. So lets see how it goes on the test... not sure if I can get my words out? Haha

Then it was lunch and ut was sausage. Or quorn sausage. And I hate both.... and I wasnt the only one. So my group of friends and I all had yoghurt with cerral instead.... it felt weird. And not like lunch.  Cant say I was so full afterwards either.... :/
   Its a long day ahead. Not looking forward to it. And then ive got to go to a 'foot doctor' - (I need insoles) after school... usch.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Weird cravings.

I havent felt particularly hungry today, ive just felt sick. And havent exactly wanted to eat.
   And its been hard to know what to eat, as i havent craved anything.

But tonight after, i was craving either greek yoghurt or oranges... of course we didnt have either. But i wanted something wet/liquid.
  I can have a problem with dry food. Things like bread, oats, cereal, potatoes, some fish when it is baked, even chicken when its baked... if it looks dry, or even just the though of some food (potatoe) can make me feel sick... Its weird. I've had it for a while (several months) now.... i prefer liquid/wet food. I.e yoghurt. Oatmeal (not jsut dry oats), fruit, vegetables, salmon and chicken... if its cooked right. && Of course other food, but that was all i could think of for now!

Ok, off topic. But anyway, tonights night snack was really wweird... it was a huge glass of soymilk (Hate the taste of normal milk. Not even at Mando, or any of the hospitals ive been in did i drink milk (unless with cereal). Im not lactose intolerant, i just hate the taste of milk. And think soy milk tastes better, even in coffee and tea) mixed with protein powder and a banana (Chopped, into the milk & PP.)! Tasted so good :) A little milkshake... though i didnt actually mash the banana!!
 
Why, im updating... i dont know. Im just bored and waiting for the time to tick by... and waititng to actually feel tired...

^^I have no better pictures to post... -_-


ED lies.


  • You thought: I don't need to eat today; I had enough calories yesterday.
  • That's like: I don't need to breathe today; I had enough oxygen yesterday.

^^^Doesnt make sense does it?^^
  You need Energy/Food Everyday. Not just every second day, or whenever it is you eat.

Its also like saying 'I feel fat. Im not going to eat today.' That will put you into starvation mode, which will essentially make you 'store fat' and bloat.....  

You need to eat, everyday. You need energy.

Dont let the voice in your head lie to you.

&&Also, why can everyone else eat, why is everyone else allowed to eat, and you're not... and dont use the excuse (I'm fat. I havent exercised. I need to lose weight.)  Now what is your reason?

What do you want to read about?

Ohhh yes.... This question again?! ^_^
  Thats what happens!

I am extremly busy the next 3 weeks, so im doubting that i will ve very creative with posts. That is why i would like to know what you would like to read about, so that i can pre-schedule some posts :) So that there wll be things to read about :)

Or just ask me loads of questions, and ill answer your questions in posts!! :)

So let me know!!! XD

^^I have a lack of pictures at the moment...

Answer

When you were sick, how did you avoid wearing a swimming suit or going swimming?
How did you hide your Anorexia for so long? I kow you wore baggy clothes and stuff, but your family must have noticed something, and when your mom first found out that you were sick, how did she react?


Well, the first answer..... i guess i just never went swimming? Actually in the year before i got diagnosed with anorexia, and i was just getting worse and worse, all i pretty much worse was my baggy school uniform (which trust me... hid how skinny i was, as it was a big baggy black jumper and black trousers) or my pyjamas(&huge hoodie) or trackies. I just didnt have to wear a bikini, or anything less then what i wrote above.... and in Ireland its never really warm enough to actually wear skirts/shorts.
  
How i hid my anorexia? Not so sure really... haha. Never thought i was sick, not even when i was diagnosed. MY not eating wasnt so hard to hide, as my mum worked in the evenings, so she didnt know if i ate dinner, and then i didnt eat in school either.... so that continued for 2 years. And me purging.... well as horrible as this sounds, (but i know im not the only one who has done it.) i had 'buckets' in my room. Which i would purge in if i did eat....
  And my over activity, well everyone just thought it was healthy that i was going to basketball training 3-5 times a week and going for walks or runs everyday....

When my mum first found out - about me purging - then it was like her eyes opened up, and she realised that i hadnt been eating with her or my sister (the days that she didnt work in the evening) and how often i was exercising, and realised how thin/pale/tired i was. Though i think my mum hadnt really noticed because i had had so many lung infections, which of course makes me sick, tired, pale, loss of apetite... it was just then that she realised that i was choosing not to eat. She had also realised that i was self harming, which was the first thing she noticed.

  When she found out she was worried,and scared, the same with my dad.... and they did their best to try to help me.

Its one thing to be healthy its another thing to be 'too healthy'

Ok, to start off, i couldnt think of a good title for what i have to write... so you might be confused. But im about to explain.

What alot of people do when they are trying to recover from an ED, is mask their ED behaviour by turning healthy.... i.e eating clean & exercising. I mean, whats wrong with that? No one can complain because you're healthy right?
  But really, that is just a mask of your behaviour. You can still be controlled by your ED. if you haven't recovered from your ED, then its basically your ED still controlling you. Think about it, are you turning vegan or just eating healthy because you want to.... or because you know that the food is 'lighter', it gives you a reason to not eat certain things, or because you're scared of junk food?
  Are you exercising because you enjoy it, because you feel good after exercising... or because you want to compensate? You want to punish your body because you ate, or you want to burn calories?

Of course, a few of you might be thinking... Oh but you're (i.e me) living a healthy life. So really, can i start telling people not to chose this lifestyle?
  Well... i didnt start exercising/eating clean/healthy until i actually had recovered from anorexia. I had no problem eating all foods, and i still dont have a problem with food. There is no fear food, and no food is off limits for me. I started with my healthy eating because, i felt i was eating too much sugar (i.e chocolate/buns 5/6 times a week. I didnt have anxiety about it, and i didnt think there was a problem with it.... but i guess there isnt. I mean i wasnt fat. I was healthy.) but my body wasnt feeling so well from it... my blood sugar went up and down, and the more sugar i ate, the more i craved it. So i began to eat more healthy. Cut out sugar for a week. And my mind/body felt a lot better.. (Not like an anorexia, high from avoiding food/sugar/fat). I also started exercising, and i felt soo great. I got 'endorphine highs' and felt full of energy.
   And basically i love this lifestyle.

Though nothing is off limits for me, if i crave chocolate or ice cream, i have no prroblem allowing myself that. I know that nothing bad is going to happen, and no my workouts wont be a waste, no im not ruining my body. Im giving my body what it craves.
 
Now it feels like ive just written a post about me explaining why i live like this... but that wasnt how i planned the post.

What i mean is that, if you are trying to recover from an ED, dont try to mask how you are feeling, your fear or anxiety by suddenly using the excuse, im just going healthy. with only eating salads and protein and exercising. As that actually isnt healthy. In the long run, if you dont eat enough and workout/exercise too much. Your body will take its toll, and you can end up back at square 1.
 
I am not going to tell anyone to not eat healthy or not exercise jsut because you've had an ED. I've read many other bloggers, who have had anorexia and are now recovered and  have decided to eat more healthy and start exercising, and they comments like, this is just an ED, you shouldnt eat soo healthy. You shouldnt exercise. (Just have to mention that Thank you. Nobody has actually said anything like that to me, and actually i think its great!! I dont want loads of people questioning me!! haha )
  But you know what, just because you have had an ED, this is  for you who have recovered, doesnt mean that you will never be able to eat healthy and clean or workout... the past is the past. Many seem to think that when you have recovered from an ED, you have to eat loads 6 times a day. You HAVE TO take cake if someone offers, you cant do too much exercise. But you know what,..... thats not how it is. When you are healthy again, recovered. Then its up to you to decide what you want to do with your life.
   You dont always have to take if someone offers, but dont me scared to accept if you are hungry. It is ok to go for a walk during your lunch break (As long as you eat lunch!!!) because you want move a little. So remember that, you're not always going to be following these strict rules. There will be a time, when you will hopefully be healthy and be allowed to decide over your life....
   but it takes time.


And give recovery time, dont rush into exercising when you are recovering because that can turn into another ED, and can make it even harder to actually recover.

Just know that one day you will b healthy and be allowed to rule your own life and make your own decisions!!

Ok... this post got kind of dragged out. But hopefully you understand what i have written, and what my points were :)

Banana split.

Got a really weird craving for banana split? haha... No idea why. Ive only had banana split twice in my life? LOL

For any of you who dont know what a banana split is: Its basically banana, ice cream (3 different flavours) cream & sometimes chocolate sauce & sprinkles!!





^^Its extremly filling... but really nice!! haha XD

Monday, January 28, 2013

School.

Woke up feeling ok, better than during the weekend. But i started feeling worse along the day.... So many in the school are sick, walking around coughing/sneezing etc.... doesnt really help when you are trying to get better from a cold yourself!! XD
  Today ive had loads of free time, which has actually been good. Usually i hate it. I hate when you have an hour inbetween classes and have nothing to do, but i made good use of that time. And got research done for my essay, and finished one or two assignments, so that a relief. I work alot better in school then at home!!!

During my last class - maths - my nose started tickling... the feeling you get when you want to sneeze.. but i couldnt sneeze. and it was jsut irritating me, and then my eyes started watering, so it looked like i was crying... had quite a few ask me if i was ok... my 'my nose is tickling' must have sounded fake... but that was actually the reason!!! The 75 minutes of maths class was pure torture, i was just waiting to go home!! It was so embarassing to sit there with eyes watering!! Hah (Hormonal teenager? Nope. Not this time!!)
   Even on the bus on the way home my eyes were still watering... -_-

Finally home, and im just about to eat a snack before i have to go to the dentist... :(

^^Egg white oatmeal & cinnamon & sunflower seeds, dried cranberries, walnuts, banana & soy milk!! :)

Fat is not a feeling.



^^Remember this... fat isnt a feeling.
  Anger. Sadness. Anxiety. Happiness... those are feelings, but fat? No. Fat is an adjective... and really, what does it mean. Does it mean that you are ugly? That you are unperfect? Does it make you  a bad person... No to all of them. It is a describing word. Just like saying, you have blonde/brown/black hair... does that offend you? Do you feel blonde?(If you have blonde hair?) No, you dont because blonde is just an adjective.
 
So when you start feeling fat, remind yourself that it isnt a feeling. There is something else making you feel like that... are you anxious? Do you feel panicky? Or are you just bloated?
  But dont behave self destructivly, just because of it. Think rationally.

Before i die.

Just a few things i want to do before i die.





Sunday, January 27, 2013

Painkillers and coffee.

Its funny how coffee and painkillers can make you feel alot better!!:) buti know its just a bluff....:/
  Usch. Ill be living on coffee and pain killers fpr the next week (or until I actually am better!) At the moment I cant miss any school. So even if I feel like shit ill be dragging myseld to school. Though my mum has said that in the stae im im.... im not allowed? -_- worst time to be sick. Because I really cant miss school as I have so many tests and asaignemnts/essays!!!

Brunch at my aunts

Hello :)
   At the moment im at my aunts, where we're havung brunch. Scones, lemon curd & cream & cookies and tea.
   My aunt and her partner have just been in Hong Kong, Japan and Singapore.  So theyre gonna have a little slideshow for all of us (my mum, P and my sister and I.)
  Though im wondering what im doing out of the house. I barely slept last night.
  Thogh I did wake with lots of eneegy and did go for a walk with my dog.
  But nowy throat is bruning, and my eyes are watering and it looks like ceying... haha! Can bareky keep my eyes open.
  Usch. Hate feeling like this.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Saturday.

Im sitting and wondering where the time has gone...? Usually weekend pass by so slowly, which is a good thing. But today, when i have basically done nothing. Im wondering where the time has gone. Its 4pm, and i havn't done much. And it doesnt help that my eyes are watering all the time, and im constantly blowing my nose so that i now look like rudolf the red nose reindeer... -_-
  
Ive done a little studying, but not much as i feel so tired, and i just sit reading the same text over and over and nothing actually gets absorbed!
   I was out for a short while with my dog, now that the weather isnt so cold... (its only -10 today. So a little happy over that!! haha )
  I also went to the shop to buy a bag of trail mix (I.e yoghurt coconut tops, salted cashews, yoghurt cashews etc etc) A little Saturday treat & a pick me up!! Though i bought like 250g and ate it all at once, and now end up feeling ill, as trail mix is so filling! 
^¨Old picture. ^^
    
Im now gonna either gonna watch series, or actually try once again to get some work done!! 
  

Rest, sleep and study.

My cold hasn't quite disappeared yet... so woke up with eyes watering. Blocked/but at the same time runny nose? Coughing. Sore throat.... hard to breathe.... need I continue?
  I didn't have any plans apart from study today.. so it doesn't really matter. But right now is the worst time to be sick as I really can't miss any school over the next 2 weeks!! But I'm gonna try to keep myself as healthy as I can!!! :)

-it was a small breakfast today. Greek yoghurt with nuts & dried fruit and a banana. And a huge cup of tea with loads of soy milk and honey!!!

Friday, January 25, 2013

4,5 years.

Looking at my statistics and realised.... i actually started blogging in July 2008? Damn. Thats a long time. I thought i started blogging in 2009...
  But i remember i started writing on a blog when i realised that me purging wasnt normal.... And i started writing as an anonymous bulimic... I didnt think me not eating anything was anything wrong.... it wa just that what i did eat, i purged?
  Weird to think that i have blogged that often, though i deleted all my first posts from 2008/2009. It was only in the beginning of 2010 (i think?) that i started blogging, and started getting help..... and then in the middle of 2010, people started reading my blog... and since then its just been more and more readers!!

 Crazy!!

The little 13 year old, who started blogging (cant even remember why?), wanting to write out what was happening to me. I was scared. I was depressed. I was sad. I was self harming then....
  Never did i think that 4,5 years later i would still be blogging... 




The feeling when you just want to scream.

I just want to scream..... i want to scream, but it feels like im choking. It feels like i have no breathe... I need to get out of my house... i need to be able to breathe. I need to get out of my skin..
   I want to run, i want to leave my house... but it is so cold, that just the thought of going outside makes me freeze right down to the bone.
  If it was summer, i would be out walking... anything to just not think. To just get out....

But i have no where to go.

I cant live in my house anymore.. i need to leave. I cant live with my mum anymore.... 
  i just get so angry. Everything she does.... I know i sound mean, and i guess i am feeling a bit panicky at the moment right now, but i just dont know what to do... it feels like something is crawling inside my skin... usch. Its just anxiety. And i just need to calm down... thats why im writing here on my blog, to keep from doing something rash... i.e like packing a bag and just leaving.
  All i want to do is run... to just leave.

^^This is the wallpaper ive had on phone for the past week or so.... ^^


Soorry for this post.. but blogging helps calm me...
Helps me take my thoughts away from something which i could regret.


Friday, and start of the weekend.

The week has gone slowly, and even though i spent 2 days at home sick this week, it feels like i have spent too long in school, and i am longing for my school break ( in 5 weeks time.) (I'm heading to Ireland then!! Both nervous, anxious and excited?!)
   Recently, i school work has started to pile up, and i feel constantly stressed and anxious. I have 3 huge tests coming up, 1 debate, 3 essays to write & loads of small homework in between aswelll.... and these big assignments & essays arent until 2 weeks time, and then they all happen pretty much within the same week... Its like, i just want to get them over and done with, so that this stress and anxiety can just pass... but at the same time, i dont want to do the tests or the essays? Usch.
  Im feeling choked by all the school work... :/ Hate school.

398761_483482488361445_257233992_n_largeBut today has been a good day!! :) Love my friends in school :) It feels good now that i actually have friends, not quite at the stage where you know, you tell them everything. Bout you know you can talk, and jsut have a good time. And thats the most important. Though im missing D like crazy... :( Waiting for her to come back :) haha... 
398761_483482488361445_257233992_n_large
^^Pretty much me at the moment (Patrik!)

After school my emotions were just everywhere... my mum picked me up as we had to go to a foot doctor? (That doesnt sound right?!) But basically i need insoles. The ones ive had, ive worn down so much.... so have to go back there enxt week, and get them formed for me, and have to do small tests (i.e how i walk/stand)....
  I was so tired after school (finished at 4.10pm.) and hadnt eaten anything since lunch, so first i got really angry (no apparent reason), then i was bitchy, then i almost started crying...? My energy levels were low.
  The moment i got home, i pretty much emptied the fridge!!! XD 

I have no plans this weekend... or actually i do?!  Strange for me!! 
Hahha