I have just gotten back from a lovely evening with my family!

We had booked a table at a thai buffet where we were going to eat dinner.

It was my sister and her boyfriend, my mum and P, my dad and my half brother, D and I!! So it was a whole bunch of us, but the people that mean the most to me in my life.

Ok.. maybe not my sisters boyfriend? BUt he is really nice and makes my sister happy, so i am just glad that he gets along with my family and I!

We got huge platters of sushi which all of shared (We got four of those platters of sushi!!)

I overate on sushi!! haha, i barely had place for the rest of the buffet...

and then there was dessert? haha.

Somehow i managed to fit it all in... but i felt like i would be rolling my way to the train!!:)

 

This evening, before we headed out i also got to open my presents!

There were small gifts like jewlerry, perfume and even a new hat (from the picture above). And then P even got me a Kindle! (An ereader from Amazon!) I had an E-reader before but mine broke during my travel to Sweden (2 years ago.)

I am a bookworm, i love reading. But havent been able to read so much lately 1) because ive been busy but also that ive had to go tot he library if i want books. (cant be bothered to buy books!)

So that was good :)

 

Soon im gonna get into my pyjamas and go to bed :) (Interesting right?)

I actually barely slept last night.. and also got up at 5.30 am this morning? why oh why? I was just wide awake and couldnt ge tback to sleep... even though i fell asleep at 2am?

Hmmm.. im thinknig i might need sleeping pills soon? Or something anyyway.

 

Overall, i have a had a great birthday!!!:)

Its been nice to spend it with my family! And today in school the whole class even sang happy birthday to me :)

So i cant complain :)

 

 

 

Where has the year gone?

-

I dont know if im happy or sad... it feels like im faking this smile. When all i really want to do is cry.
  Why are birthdays so hard?
Its just to get through today... with no tears.

English Article.

Yesterday i recieved the magazine in which the article written about me and when i was sick was in.
   They had already read the article to me, and gone through it... but somehow. Recieveing the article and reading it for myself.... i felt a clump forming in my belly.
  And im not even sure why?
 For some reason, i feel ashmaed? Not proud of this article? But i should be, because i mean... its basically that i had anorexia was very sick, wanted to kill myself but managed to recover. Thats basically what it is about.
  But i dont know.... It feels weird? Its like, i have no problem writing about my anorexia here, or telling my story here... but somehow, it almost feels so personal in the magazine?
  But i dont know how many people will really read the article anyway, im sure many will just skim it.
   Uschh. Dont really want to write anymore about it...

^^Thats the article anyway.

Me today!

 

The one day i can be ego and have... Loads of pictures of myself?Eeeek!!
 Hahah.

Up at 6am and tired as fuck.

But im trying to look bright eyed and awake :)

Happy Birthday to me!!

Finally! Finally! Its my Birthday. As i am sure you all know..... :) As i have mentioned it one too many times before. (But that is because... on the outside, i am not showing any emotion .But on the inside... I am very excited!!)
  
My plans today... Well, school until 4pm! And then not so sure, we might to go a thai buffe (im hoping)... and then.. we'll see what the night brings :) Unfortunatly im not having a party or anything this year... but that is ok! Next year im gonna have a party!! :)

New template & Header

I felt i needed a new deisgn!
  This is nothing proffsy. Or 'great'. But for now... its ok :) I am kinda happy with it. Considering i only spent 15 minutes!! haha XD (Thats what happens. When you suddenly feel you've had enough of your design and feel you need something new)
  Let me know what you think :)

My day!

Hello there :)
   As you may or may not know (from my Facebook or Instagram ^_^) ... it has snowed here in Sweden.

   Most people are happy about that... Me? Well lets just say i dont have such a positive outlook on snow :) The one good thing is that the days are a little brighter, which makes my mood alot better. And makes me more social in the afternoons :)
   What i hate most about the snow is 1) the cold weather and 2) How slippery it is. I hate hate hate. The ice. I actually have almost a phobia of falling... i dont know why or how i have developed it. But i get such strong anxiety from it. I have to hold on for my life while walking on something slippery. I cant even explain it...
  But i mean, sometimes going up or down steps, i can get filled with anxiety because i get scared that i will fall and smack my teeth out... And then ice...? Well dont get me started. I was thinking about getting down on all fours and literally crawling to school today!!
  Im dreading the next few months. Nobody really knows about me being so scared to fall, many think its stupid.. and maybe it is? As... it isnt something which keeps me back from doing things, apart from ice skating...
  But in winter... when theres ice. Safe to say that im gonna stay inside.

Anyway... onto my day!!
  Well, i made it to school without having to crawl to school :)
 
Then it was class after class. Nothing to say about that. :)
  After school i had arranged to meet D. Gosh its only been 4 days but it feels like forever. We have barely talked... and i dont even know why... or i do. Apparently she has called me, but i didnt get any calls or missed calls. And ive felt so tired that i forgot to call. And i thought she was avoiding me, didnt want to meet me. And she obviously thought the same thing as she thought i was avoiding her phone calles...
 So yesterday i sent her a message wondering what was wrong and why we werent talking... Case solved. For some reason i didnt get her calls?  Technology now a days... can ruin friendships XD
   So we sat and drank coffee, and eat vanilla wafers :) Cant complain about that :)
 
Then we decided to browse some shops. And i tried on a whole bunch of things!!

  I actually bought a dress for tomorrow :) I want to look sort of nice :)haha (I can try!!)

This evening my dad and brother are coming, but im not gonna get a chance to see them. And im gonna be bsuy with my head in my books... or... my eyes on the computer screen, as i dont have so many school books :)

Hope you all have a good evening/morning/afternoon :)

Pro Health

Take time for yourself.

Something which i have learnt over a period of time, is to take time for myself. And to take care of myself.
  
I am someone, who over many years has gone out of my way to do things for others. Even if i was really tired i would agree to go out for coffee. I would agree to go for a walk. Or go into town. Or skip my sleep in on a weekend to get an early bus into town.
   Ok maybe that doesnt sound so selfless? But really, doing things which you dont want to do, there is no harm in that. Infact it can be good for you. But when you continuously go out of your way to do other things for other people, not thinking about yourself or your own needs.
  You dont feel so good after a while.

Its like how the quote goes 'You feel better, when you feel better about yourself.'

I have realised that, i cant always please everyone. There are days, where i just dont want to go out. Or dont want to meet friends, or do something. And its ok to say no. I usually always feel guilty about it, whether i show it or not. It feels like ive let the person down.
  Its like if someone asks me to go make them a cup of tea... i.e my mum or sister, and i say no. As i have just sat down to study, or to watch TV. I shouldnt feel guilty about that? But i usually do. And usually resort to making the tea/coffee/food whether i want to or not.
   (Ok, that might have been a bad example, but it is true!!)
I have learnt to take time for myself, and put my needs infront of others some days. Not always, not everyday. But atleast once a week.
  Once a week, where i just... turn off FB. Turn off my mobile. And just, watch a film. Or have a spa night. Or bake... or read. Something which is just for me. So i can relax.
  And where i dont have to answer my phone. Dont have to answer a mail, or something on FB.
   And you know what.... it feels nice. To not check my blog or FB. To not reply to emails.... i just kinda let that go.
  I mean i have no problem helping anyone, or replying to your comments or emails. That is not a burden so dont worry about that. (&&& just gonna add on a side note. That anyone who has emailed me in the past week, i am sorry i havent replied. I havent gotten any notifications to my phone - i usually do. - and havent checked my mail as i havent gotten notifications... turns out that it was just the hotmail app that didnt work. But im gonna try to reply to you as soon as i can!!! )

Remember to take time for yourself! You cant be superwoman/superman .You are only human. And its ok to say no to your friends if you are too tired. Or to say no to that walk with your mum. Or decide to just not reply to that Fb message tonight... things can wait (But NOT recovery!! :) That cant wait!! :) )
  
Take time to relax and feel good abotu yourself. To just de-stress!!!

Tomorrow is my birthday :) Was just gonna say that.... :)

 

(BTW! expect a cheesy post tomorrow with loads of 'its my birthday' pictures :) )

Diets and food?

This post is not going to be about me talking about different diets. Talking about foods you should or shouldnt eat. Not promoting diets or anything...


Basically, after reading loads of different 'health magazines' (like loads) in the past few weeks.
  I have been bombared with 'diets' 'fads' 'training tips' 'what not to eat' 'what to eat' 'lose 5kg' 'lose 10kg' 'get rid of your love handles' etc etc etc....
 
But what i have realised is that... if you were to follow all these tips or diets about what not to eat... you'd end up, not being allowed to eat anything.
  
Diets, as i am sure, and hope that everyone knows... is that diets usually dont work. I.e you end up restricing, not allowing yourself to eat certain things. It works for a few weeks, or months if you're lucky... and then the weight slowly starts creeping back, as your diet was only 6 weeks? Ok, now it sounds like im promoting weightloss.... I am not.
  Just stating that diets dont work.

But all these 'food rules'..... you go kinda crazy! One states that.. you shouldnt eat dairy. Another states you shouldnt eat fruit. Another one says no flour. Another says no carbs. Another says no fat..... one even said no chicken? (That i dont understand?)
  Basically.... what are you left with? Protein and vegetables? And even then it states... too much of anything isnt good, which is a general rule anyway.
 
If you were to follow all those rules. Youd basically only be eating broccolli and cod?
  But that is just bullshit.

We shouldnt have to read what were allowed to eat, or not allowed to eat in a magazine?
  We have control over our own bodies (when your anorexic... maybe a bit too much control?).
  We shouldnt be made to feel guilty over that we want to eat a chocolate muffin, or have a day where you snack alot. Or where you want to go out for chinese food with your family.
   But ebcause of media, we are made to feel guilty if we eat too much. Or eat unhealthy. But there consideration of healthy is basically?
  
As i mentioned in my normal/healthy eating post, you can eat whatever you want. In moderation and balance.
   You shouldnt cut anything from your diet.

Of course, i  cant be too harsh about the whole thing, as i am sure that it helps many people who are overweight. To realise that eating too much unhealthy fat is bad. Or that they eat too many carbs... or whatever.
  But i am writing this from my side. My point of view. An ex-anorectic. Someone who hasnt needed to lose weight, but has been made to feel guilty over eating unhealthy food.... when i dont need to feel guilty!
  
You decide over what you eat, (but not too controlling now!!! :) ) You dont need to listen to any diet tips. If you have a healthy weight, and live a healthy lifestyle... then you dont need to feel guilty or anxious about eating, or eating certain foods.
   Our body needs energy!!! :)

Answer

Hi, just a question- you said earlier that you had set a goal weight of 55kg with your case manager, so how come to be declared healthy the weight was higher? I mean shouldn't that have been the goal weight all along then?

My very first part-goal wieght was 50kg. And then they had to raise it as i would still have been underweight if i weighed 50kg. And then they had to raise it again, as i had grown and was 1,5 years older then when i first came. And then 60-62kg became my new goal weight.
  Of course, that was a complete disaster to me, i remember the day i was told that. I cried for the rest of the day... and i was like i cant do this.
  Then i compromised with my then case manager and said that when i weighed 55kg if we could talk and see how i felt and all that. And she agreed on that.
  But then i changed case manager and she told me that with a weight of 55kg i would still be underweight and the lowest healthy weight for me was 58kg .
 
It sounds mean that the staff/case manager can just change a goal wieght... but the fact is that that weight is calculated for you. And really, its nothing to discuss. Because to be healthy you have to have a healthy weight. Thats as simple as it is.
  And really, its just a number. It doesnt really have any huge roll. It doesnt determine who you are as a person...
 

Answers

I love reading your blog! Just wondering though- what made you want to start this blog, and how did you start?
 
 Thank you :)
   I started the blog back in 2009, where i believed that i had bulimia. So i started very anonymous, just writing for myself.
   Most of those posts have been deleted. I started blogging more (still only for myself) when i first started getting help. I had so much anxiety and felt i just needed to get it out, and of course i didnt believe i had anorexia at all, even though i barely ate at that time.
  But of course, reading over soem of those posts makes me realise that i was very sick at that time.
   Blogging is quite uncommon in Ireland. So its weird that i started blogging..?But i know in Sweden its very popular...
   I never ever expected my blog to become so popular? Or that so many people would read my blog. That was never the intention.
  My blog was just my way of writing out how i was feeling. So i used it as my coping method, my way to release just a little bit of my anxiety and panic.
  But then when i started at Mando, and started writing about Mando. I saw how my page views started increasing as Mando&Anorexia Blog became searched on Google and my blog came up.
   And then the pageviews and readers just grew, and in turn i became healthy and now i use this blog as a way to write out my day, or how im feeling and of course to help others who are in the same situation that i was!
   I love blogging, but sometimes i do wonder why i still blog? In the sense that now i am just a typical blogger who writes about her day... and i dont want to be that? I dont want to just write about my day.... but i guess thats all i really do now a days?
  But for now i have no plans in not blogging!! :)


Hey :) i have a question - I was wondering how you dealt/deal with seeing other anorexic people or people who are skinnier than you, because I find it really upsetting and end up feeling inferior/ugly etc etc
   Hmmm... While sick. I found it very triggering, as of course i always thought i was so fat. And hated seeing other people thinner then me... i got so jealous. And it didnt get better at Mando, where i mean i was stuck with all these stick thin girls and i sat there comparing myself.
   Even when i was admitted, time after time with an even lower weight i still thought i was so fat.
  But what i now realise is that everyone does that. They always think they are bigger/fat than anyone else. Even when they were the skinniest girl there, they though they were the biggest. Which is very fucked up. But you realise, just how sick you are when you think that with  an underweight BMI you are fat? very wrong.
   How i deal with it? Well, ive accepted my body. I dont think there is some magical thing you can do which just makes it better. But accepting the way you look, even liking your body and appearance makes you not jealous of the way other people look.
   For me now, there are c.a 5 people in my group that are very skinny. At first i must admit a flare of jealousy arose in me. And i wondered, why were they so skinny and not in an ED clinic? (haha... oh the bitch in me!! XD)
   Of course, now i know that one of those girls has started going to the school nurse, and she is very angry ahout that. But the other 4 girls ive realised are naturally skinny and have a healthy apetite!! haha XD
   And the thing is, i am happy with the way i look. When i look at myself, i see someone who is fit and toned and i have muscles, while the other girls are just bones....? I like the fact that i can run far, and lift heavy (sort of?!) i much prefer being toned & fit then just skinny?
   Ok, i went off topic there.
How to deal with seeing girls skinnier then you? I wish i could give some solid answer, but the only thing i can really think of now, is to start accepting yourself. Because that is needed anyway. You need to realise that you are beautiful no matter what weight or shape or size you are.
  There are always going to be people who are skinner than you. But dont think of yourself as fat just because of it...
   Because trust me, there will be people looking at you wishing they looked like you.
  But everyone is different. Everyone has a different body shape or size. Some people are taller, some people are shorter... thats life.
   Work on your self esteem, and tell yourself that you are beautiful, or name 5 positive things about yourself everyday. And dont let bad thoughts bring you down. And dont compare yourself to anybody else.
 
Those are the best tips i can give. You have to be happy with yourself!!! :)
  You are beautiful!

one of those ugly days

One of those days where you just feel ugly days where you just want to hide under the cover. It doesn't help that my hair is completely drenched from the rain.... I guess that's life. Today is gonna be a busy day! Lots of work tio do. As I didn't do anything yesterday! I'm also gonna try to head to the gym. I'm thinking maybe swimming? It's been forever! Hope you all have a great day

Its 8.30pm and...

im going to bed. Like seriously.... what is wrong with me?
  Ohh... maybe the fact that i can usually never fall asleep until 1 or 2am, and then i have to get up at 6am... and that circle continues for a week or more until im so tired that i end up falling asleep at like 7/8pm...
  Why oh why is my sleeping circle so fucked up?

Anyway.

Good night x

I should just become a baker!!!

Today.

As i mentioned yesterday, today i went to Mando for my check up.
   What can i say... everything went well! Hahah, there is nothing to complain about. As usual!!
  I filled in all the papers and she aksed me loads of questions, and it all looked good.
  Today i even decided that i would look at scale. Usually i just turn around. Not because the number on the scale bothers me, mainly because i dont care. And yeah, i might be a little worried that if i see the number it might trigger something.
  But i did look at the scale.. and you know what, the number didnt bother me. Of course, it was more then the last time i had looked at a scale (i.e summer!) but that doesnt really matter . Because that weight could have just been water weight... or muscle... or i have gone up in weight. But what does that matter, that doesnt define who i am.

While i was at Mando i had to sit and weight by the inpatient side before lunch. And you know what,  that was hard.
  So many memories came flooding back. I almost just wanted to close my eyes and run away from there. I almost felt a tear or two  threatening to fall.
   Its so hard to go back there... to see all the staff and the new patients. Each time i see someone who has an ED, i almost instantly want to tell them that things get better. That anorexia/bulimia(or other EDs) isnt the way. That you cant sit in an ED clinic, scared to live your life. That recovery is hard. Its not easy... no one will tell you it is. But it is worth it. And that is what makes the difference. You have to find the motivation and never give up. Like the quote, what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger. And its true.
 All of you, you can recover. There will be days where you wake up and think, Damn. Today... Today is the day that i will do everything right. I wont let the ED control me. And other days you wont even want to get up from your bed. You will be filled with anxiety.... thats life.
  Life isnt easy. But you have to keep strong.

While sitting in the sofa in the inpatient side i even had a patient ask me is i was new there. I almost felt like laughing... Nope. Im an oldie!! haha XD I know the ways of Mando. And im never going back.
   Its funny also how each time i go to Mando, almost all the staff recognize me. Always want to say hi, or give me a hug... Hahah, the worst is when i dont even like that staff!! LOL and i have to stand there, squirming!! Nah, i mean they're all good people, but my memories of them have clouded that!
  Ive even had other patients who know me from my time at Mando, or who read my blog say hi (not this time. But other visits). Which is weird? or more... that people realise its me? I always feel so invisible... like nobody sees or notices me? And then when someone suddenly comes and says hi? Its like... can you see me? haha XD Nah. I know im not invisible :)

Then i had lunch and then i was done at Mando -  Relief!

I came home, completly drenched from the rain. The snow is apparently on its way!!
Ohh... and guess what happens? I decided to go into a sport shop because i saw that there was sale. (This shop is in the near by area of my school.) And guess who i see and he sees me? Oh yes... my mentor!! XD
  Ohhh the shame. & embarrassment. I mean. Because i didnt have school today because i was going to Mando, and i would only have been able to go to half of swedish and mentor time.
  I felt like hitting my head aginst the wall. I didnt know what to do. Go up to him and explain that i had been to the hospital appointment... or just shamefully walk out the door?
  Hahah. I really hope he doesnt talk to me tomorrow. Because i mean i wasnt skipping school!! XD arrghhh. I have loads of anxiety over that XD

Its so typical though... it only happens to me XD

I am now debating whether i should just take a spa night or actually get homework done? Im thinking the first option :)

Missing my dad.

Lately, ive been missing my dad so much. :/ Ive always had a good relationship with him. Of course, it waxnt so easy when i was sick as he didnt understand why i didnt want to eat. I dont know how many times he said to me, why dont you just eat? Just fix everything and eat? That made me feel so guilty, because... not even I could explain why i didnt want to eat. I had no explanation, no reason.Because i did want to eat... i just didnt allow myself, because i was so worried of becoming fat and the anxiety of just thinking about eating was too much.....
  but no normal person would understand that.

But anyway.... as some might already know.. my dad still lives in Ireland. So i barely see him anymore (but my parents have been divored for c.a 11 years now... i think? But i used to see my dad every weekend.)
   Maybe 2-3 times a year. I wish i could see him more, but its not so easy to just take a week off school, or to actually buy plane tickets. So that sucks.

My dad has been so busy recently as he has been working loads - he is a sound engineer & organizes festivals. So for the past month, ive barely had any contact with him as he has been so busy orginizing a festival (In Ireland.) But he is actually coming on Thursday..( in 2 days) so i think that might eb the reaons why ive been thinking about him so much, as i know he is coming?
   Also my half brother is coming!!!

So hopefully the weekend should go arguement free!!! :)

I cant wait till my dad comes :) XD

My video.

I made this video almost exactly a year ago (a little less... .a 11 months! - if you want to be exact :) ) and i shared it when i first made it.
  But yesterday i sat watching the few videos ive made (ive made c.a 5 home made videos!!!) and this one makes me smile... or the like last 1-2 minutes anyway :) haha
  So i thought, i would share it again, as i know i have new readers :)

So leave a comment or something about what you think!! :) 
  And remember, if i can recover, so can you!!

If the video doesnt play (and i have a feeling it wont.) then go to this link http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.se/2012/01/my-video.html
  Where i posted it before :)

Todays song addiction!

IKO - heart of stone. (Hahah, yeah it is from Breaking dawn :) )

Chocolate cake!

Today ive had a very abnormal craving for chocolate.
  I know i was a bit of a choc-o-holic before... but recently i havent wanted it at all... like at all? Its been weird. I just havent wanted it. If i went into the shop i wouldnt even look at the chocolate, i would head for the nuts or fruit! Which i guess is a good thing!!
  But today, ive just wanted chocoalte!! haha

So today ive eaten bits of a chocolate bar & i made a chocolate cake!! haha
 
Damn Hormones :)
  Ive realised that my body cant cope with so much sugar. I break out into sweat and can almost start shaking... like i go into asugar shock?
  I dont know what it is. Ive always been sensitive to white chocolate, even though its my favourite i cant eat it.
   I mean i can eat dark chocolate, but normal milk chocolate or white chocolate... even sweets can make me shaky or make me break out into sweat! Sorry, too much information :)

Anyway... here is a picture of my chocolate cake... because... you know... i dont want to post a post without a picture :)

Looking in my calendar i realise that i have Mando tomorrow? Mixed feelings.
  Whenever i know i have to go to Mando i always start feeling alittle panicked... mainly because i wonder how my weight is. I mean, i eat completly from hunger and fullness. So that mught mean that some days i eat 3 times a day and others i eat 6. And some days i eat really healthy or do loads of activty and the next im a couch potatoe. So i live a healthy life, following my bodys needs.
  But once i knwo i have to go to Mando, i start doubting what im doing. Wondering if i shoudl eat more. Skip that gym pass or whatever...
 That might eb the reaons why i am suddenly craing Chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate (haha.. Im planning on baking a chocoalte cake now:) )... Or its just hormones?! haha

   I have no idea what my weight is. And i dont care about it either. When i go to Mando, i dont even look at the number. I am allowed if i want to. And the number doesnt affect me... but i jsut feel .... i dont care about the number. If im having a bad day, sometimes my mind can pull up that '58' on the scale and be like... thats so much. But you know what, it isnt. I mean, i could weigh more now, i could weigh less... i dont know. But i am on the lowest weight of healthy for my height and age. So losing wieght really isnt an option.

The one good thing about tomorrow is.... is that after this appointment, i wont have to go back for 6 months!! Woo hoo! I know ive been free and healthy for the past year and more... but just hearing this.. knowing that,  It will be 6 months until i have to go back!! Ahhh.... sounds good :)
  I cant even explain the relief :) But im sure you can imagine?
So that will be my plans tomorrow, not so sure if i will make it back to school tomorrow? kinda hoping not... ?! heh heh!
Actually just writing out this post... and telling myself, that after this appointment if all goes well. i wont have to go back for 6 months... ok, it most porobably sounds like i go to mando every week... i dont. For the past few months ive only gone there once a month... but still. Its once a month too many :)
   And of course, just cus i wont go to mando every month to check things up and check my wieght does not mean i can just start losing wieght or being careless.
  But i mean... i dont think i would do that anyyway? I know my body too well!

Ok this post is dragging on.... :) That was just my little ramble =)

 

And i just realised, that the blog is the only place where i put so many pictures of myself up!! I must seem so Ego!! :) haha

 

But that is the reaon why i dont put so many pictures of myself on FB or instagram... i dont want to seem ego :)

But here on the blog... well, judging me by how many pictures i take of myself is the last thing i think anyone would judge me abotu it.

And in my defence anyway... it just means that im not afraid to show myself, or think im ugly... :)