Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Busy day!

Hello!! :) Sorry havent had time to blog today! Which i guess is a good thing!! Means that im not just sitting at home :)

So as i just noticed ive already mentioned about a hundred times, i went to the gym this morning! That was good, but of course i noticed i didnt have as much energy as normal, ´so i just took it easy!
   Also, i started coughing, LOADS, i noticed people staring and i almost wanted to just slowly creep away.
  But i was like... No. This isnt contageous (Im over my cold. But now, because of my CF, im coughing lodas... due to the cold i had. I.e coughing like a smoker is usual when you have CF) and you can get alot of nasty glares from people.
   So i was like, im gonna continue anyway!

When i was finished i met D and we went back to her place, and we bought a fancy notebook each and a pecan nut muffin to share. And sat down to talk for a while.


 
Then we started with our vision books. Basically cutting out things from magazines and newspapers and pasting them into the books.
But not just anything, things which we maybe want to happen in the future.  Positive things, wishes etc!!
It is a great way to spend time, it is fun and creative!! I definitely reccommend it!
If you are at a clinic at the moment, i definitely reccommend doing this!!!
I mean, its alot of still work, but the time will just pass, and its fun!!! :)
And it will give you a few days work :)









 
The time passed, circa 6 hours!
But we enjoyed some chocolate, (trying the 2 new flavours! I liked the white chocolate one! And in my opinion, the 'crunchy corn' wasnt as nice as everyone kept shouting about!) and of course, Coke Zero!!
I even got a bit of history studying done!! hehe, but not much!!
 
 
And then, when our backs started hurting, my eyes were tired and my ears hurt (im thinking it might be an ear infalmmation... but im hoping its not.) We returned to the sofa to watch some Youtube clips before my mum picked me up (Luxery!! haha, not have to take public transport! :) )
 
And that has been my awesome day :)
 
How has everyone been? :)

Hope.



We can never give up on ourselves... give up on our fight or our life. We have to want to live... we have to want things for ourselves... to be healthy and happy. We cant always expect to get happiness, fortune delivered to us on a silver platter... sometimes we have to fight for what we want. Fight to be happy.
   The world is tough, society makes us feel small, brings us down.. can break us.. but we have to be strong. We have to know whats right... everyone is fighting their own battle, got their own struggle.
   And no matter how many times we fall, remember htere is light at the end of the tunnel... that everything is acheiveable... that you can overcome whatever obsatcle is in your way. You just have to keep your hope. Be strong and take yourself through the tough times, because life gets better.
  Never give up hope.

Love this Quote!!

You have most probably heard or read this before.... but i love the quot/Saying!! So i will post it here anyway :)

Day 1 - Three things you do not know about me

Hmmm.. this is hard. Considering that im so open and honest here... im pretty sure everything there is to know about me is on here?
  
Ok.....

1)When i was younger i used to cut my own clothes and 'redesign' them. My mum wasnt happy.

2) I am very irratible... i.e, i can get annoyed/irritated easily!
3) I am a science-Maths nerd :)

There you go :) You might have already known those 3 things... or you might not :)

Memoirs of a Geisha

Yesterday evening/last night i was so tired.... mentally. I had planned on studying but i just couldnt concentrate. Instead, i put on a film.
  Memoirs of a Geisha. One of my favourite films!! It is so beautifully made! Ive seen it a few times before and i still love it!!
     I would reccommend it! But i know its a film not everyone likes... But still!! I can still say what i think about it :)



Today, i have my energy back!! So going to do something productive today!! I.e gym, study and maybe meet a friend :) We'll see!

Have a good day everyone!

Happy Halloween!




Today its halloween.. i.e when all the kids go out trick or treating.
 Me? Well... it will just be a usual Wednesday!! Have to actually get studying done today.
  Otherwise, i think im gonna head to the gym (its about time!) and maybe meet a friend, depending on my mood etc etc!
  
I hope you all have a good Halloween, whether your going to a party, just at home, or going trick or treating with friends or younger siblings. Enjoy yourself :)

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

20 day list!

Lack of what to write... so here is a 20 day list i will write one everyday :) (or whenever i remember!)

Day 1 - Three things you do not know about me.
Day 2 - Blog favorites.
Day 3 - A song with many memories.
Day 4 - This is how i fix myself for a regular school day.
Day 5 - A picture of a time you miss.
Day 6 - A recent picture of you.
Day 7 - this is I want.
Day 8 - This is how I am as a person.
Day 9 - My favorite band / favorite artists
Day 10 - Something I will never forget.
Day 11 - A picture of me and a friend.
Day 12 - A picture that makes me happy.
Day 13 - My interests.
Day 14 - My bad habits.
Day 15 - A picture of me and someone I love.
Day 16 - The language I speak fluently
Day 17 - A picture of my handwriting.
Day 18 - Best pastime.
Day 19 - Best music video.
Day 20 - Ten things I want to do before I die.

Memories

Going back to Mando... it always brings back memories. Thats what i hate most.
  When i go back i always end up questioning myself...  Doubting myself.
  I hate walking through the halls, it feels like everyones eyes are on me... 'what are they thinking?' But really i dont care.
 Im confident in myself and my body, so really people can think whatever they want. Whether they think im fat or thin, ugly or pretty... it doesnt really matter to me. Aslong as im happy with myself
When i see all the inpatients, and the staff who work at the inpatients ward... they all smile at me, happy to see me. I cant say i feel the same thing.
  Of course, it does feel good to smile, and tell them that everything is going good in school... They never believed in me. And that isnt just a silly thing ive conjured up in my head. Countless number of inpatient staff kept saying things like 'if you dont try now. You'll never be healthy' 'You should be healthy by now' 'If you dont eat this, youll be sick and at Mando forever'.... I was never doing right and always ended up back as an inpatient. The staff and myself, even my family had pretty much given up on me....
  But now im showing them that... i have recovered. I am healthy.... its like how they say 'Success is the best revenge!' (It really is!)

Sometimes i forget that i spent almost a year ( c.a a year in total ) as an inpatient. How many nights i sat there, all alone as i had no one to visit me. All the arguments with staff. All the tears and anxiety.... I remember it so well... but at the same time, its a blurry, fading memory. But just seeing the ward.... being there brings everything back. And it almost feels like im choking from memories..... Just kinda want to sit down and shut it all off. Not have to remember.
   It doesnt feel like it was me.... me who didnt want to eat? Who cheated with her meal plan. Who walked back and forth down the halls, just to get some exercise. All the endless days and nights, that turned into one everlasting nightmare....
    Ive been through that.... but it doesnt feel like me. But i guess, it wasnt me. I wasnt in my right mind....
  I cant wait until i never have to return to that building ever again. Never set foot in there... and just let my memories fade... let the healing begin.
  
One thing which is good though is that, when i go back there, i realise... never again. Never ever will i let some silly thought like 'losing weight' make me stop eating. I mean when im stressed i can have thoughts were... 'i just want to lose weight... want to be sick' But im smart enough to never act on those thoughts. And i am so thankful that i fouught my way to where i am today. To be healthy.
  Never again do i want to be so skinny, to have to sit at Mando 24/7 for months on end.... never again have to eat a meal there. To have my life in someone elses hand, where absaloutly no control is given to me. Where i just have to listen and obey.
   Seeing all the patients and staff, makes me thankful for where i am now. That i am healthy.
  And never do i regret the choice to become healthy. Sure, i have days where i might get 'silly' thoughts... but i am strong enough to know that they pass. I can still get anxiety, but it isnt about food. It is due to stress or lack of sleep.
   Recovery is something you wont regret... not if you're truely healthy. You might be half healthy... but you just want to lose weight? yo uwant to be skinny again... that isnt healthy.

I talked with my case manager, filled in papers... did alot of talking and i also ate lunch at Mando. I got chicken curry with bulgur which was actually nice... apart from the fact that it was quite spicy!! -_- Tears almost started falling!! Hahah... i cant eat spicy.. not even the slightest bit.
   My case manager said that she found it quite spicy as well. And the strangest thing was... she said that if i couldnt eat it, because it was too spicy. I didnt have to! .... Er... WTF? haha. (Basically. i just need to eeat normally.... like take more, or leave on the plate if im full... just eat as usual. And she was like... if you were eating spicy at school and couldnt finish it because it was too spicy... then you'd leave it... I mean, im not being tested to see if i can eat lunch or not... ) It was nice though, so i decided to finish it anway, adding more bulgur to minimize the spice!
My case manager told me that everything looked good. I had eaten well, my weight was fine all the papers i had filled in looked good. So then after a few hours, i was free to go. Not looking back!! haha
 I still have a few more times to go back in the next 4 years.... but thats ok. Its not so often.
  Ive actually been asked if i would like to speak to some patients (in a few months time) Isaid Yes of course, as while i was sick i found it very inspiring to listen to someone who was recovered!! And i just want to help. And i dont mind sharing my story.
  
I had planned to meet D after Mando, but my mood just took a complete dip.... and i almost fell asleep on the tube.... and my thoughts were all over the place. I didnt feel like being social... So instead cancelled the plans.
  Of course... im feeling really bad now. :/ Ughhh....
But i guess its not easy to go back to Mando and be bombarded with memories...:(





^^Few pictures from my time at Mando

Lol Thats Me!

Haha! I love this Tumblr :) I could spend hours just scrolling through the posts :)



Source: http://lolthatsme.tumblr.com

Mando time!

Fun...?

Blahhhhh XD

Treat Your Body With Respect!




^^Rules to follow :) ^^ Be Kind to yourself.

Ever heard the quote: Treat your body like a friend!! - Its true. I mean, you dont say nasty horrible things to your friend, tell them they're fat or worthless. You dont tell your friend they're not allowed to eat. Or have to hurt themselves. You are kind to a friend.... you 'love' your friend.
  So why not do the same to yourself?

Why are you different?

Monday, October 29, 2012

Mando Tomorrow!!

I always forget until the last minute!! *Smart right?*
I was gonna go there 2 weeks ago, but i had to cancel because i had so much in school and couldnt miss any lessons. So it is tomorrow... *Blah*
 
Im not actually nervous about going there... of course i guess now im like... 'Uh-oh. I havent been eating so well the past few days. How much do i weigh? What should i say? Blah Blah Blah'

   I dont care how much i weigh, but of course now im like... have i lost weight? have i gained weight?
  But i dont think ive done either... I can usually tell? And in the 5 year follow up program im going, there is not so much pressure on weight. I mean, if ive suddenly lost or gone up 5kg or more... then there is cause to worry. But up or down a few kilo there is nothing to worry about.
  
There is gonna be alot of talking and filling in papers tomorrow, which i hate. And my throat is protesting... it hurts to just speak for five minutes or so.... but ill just explain that.
   So yeah.... that is what ill be doing tomorrow. So i might not have time to blog (I do have scheduled posts  though :) )
  

And i guess ill write how it went later :) haha

*Bitch Hug*

Good evening and good night everyone! (Guess i should say 'good morning' to some aswell? :))
  
What have i done today......?
  Yes, that is the question!! Today feels like forever... this day has been so long!!! But really, i havent done so much?!
  
Let me see... Well. I got up. Got ready etc etc. Then i went for a PW/run... and then..... well since then ive had 2 showers. Watched a film. 3 series episodes (Yes... ok. Im on the computer alot!!) Studied history... *sort of... Kind of.... Does opening the book count?*
  And then.... not so much really. Ive opened the fridge countless number of times.... walked around in the house. Bored.

And then at 4pm i decided...
  Enough was enough. 
I needed to leave the house. D had already rang several times today, but i had let the phone ring... feelin very unsocial. Not in the mood to meet people.
   But i needed to leave the house before i went crazy.

So we decided to go to the cinema!! To see Bitchkram (Translate: Bitch hug). Ive actually seen the film before.... UIts a long story! But i really liked the film so i wanted to see it again.
  The reason why i like it is because i can realte to the characters... i can like 'live myself into the film'.
  So for all my swedish readers, I reccommend the film!! and i for you my universal readers... well, i guess youll just have to wait and see if you can watch it with subtitles :) haha!! LOL
 
Anyway... on my way to the cinema, i was going to get the tram... and i had decided to actually leave in time!! To be there early. (im a time-optimist!) And guess what happens...?
   There was some accident with the tram... i.e, i think someone got run over -_- It happened right at the stop i was standing at.
   It was dark and pissing down with rain, and each minute that passed i got more annoyed and more cold... ugh.
  Im not so sure what happened though.... but there was complete stop in the traffic. So i had to call my mum to give me a lift to the cinema!! (Thankfully she did!!)
  Of course i had decided to be early... but because i stood *40 minutes* in the rain and cold, i was almost late anyway :/
  
But we got there right in time!! hehe

After the cinema i headed back to D's place where we sat and talked for a while!!
 
It was good to leave the house... get out and actually meet someone!!! Im someone who prefers to just be left alone. Sit in my room all day. But thats not good for me.... So sometimes i need to push myself to leave the house!! haha :)
 
Anyway... i think its time for bed now... ive got Mando tomorrow.. *Blah!* Nah, im not that nervous. Just hate going there anyway!

Heres a picture of me.... 'Cus you know... its my blog!!*



 
^^Dont worry, i already know im Ego!!! :) ^^

Cookie Recipes!

Got asked if i could post the cookie recipe:
  Here you go :)
&&(I must add. They were a huge hit!! :) hehe. Im a big fan of white chocolate!)
¨
Ingredients:
125 g butter
125 ml sugar
125 ml brown sugar
1 egg
350 ml flour
1 teaspoon salt
0.5 teaspoons baking powder
0.5 tsp bicarbonate of soda
0.5 tbsp vanilla sugar
100 g of chocolate chips
100 g white chocolate / cinnamon chips / toffeechips

Instructions:
Cream the butter and sugar into a creamy paste.
Add the egg and stir well.
Mix and stir in remaining ingredients.
Pour white chocolate and chocolate chips and stir.
Roll about 35 balls of batter and place on bakingpapaer, flatten them slightly. L(eave space between the biscuits because they grow in the oven. )Bake at 175 degrees about 13-15 minutes.
The biscuits will be chewy in the middle and crunchy around the edges.


***When i made the chocolate cookies (with white chocolate) i just added cacoa. But they didnt turn out so well (or i needed to use more sugar) so if you want to make chocolate cookies it would be better to use another recipe.
   Otherwise you can of course just use milk/dark chocolate instead of white :)
SOURCE: http://hovkonditorn.blogspot.se/2012/08/chocolate-chip-cookies-x-3.html (in swedish)

Food Diary:

What i ate yesterday!

Breakfast: Oatmeal, peanut butter, banana, milk & cinnamon & Tea.

Snack: Coffee & 2 of my home made cookies!

Late lunch: Quorn fillet, peas, broccoli, sweet corn, potatoe salad & ketchup.
 & 1 cookie!

Dinner: Vegetable soup & 2 slices of my home made bread with butter

Snack: Watermelon, melon, raisins, raspberries, blueberries & blueberry yoghurt!!
&&About 5 cups of tea, and 2 cups of coffee & of course my usual 2-3l water :)

Anorexia affects the whole body.

Information for you....



When you start recovery. Never give up. Hold onto the reason why you first started fighting.
   Keep strong. Life gets better. It may take time. But things do get better!! You just have to be strong and never give up!

Morning Run/ PW!

This morning i felt i needed to get out and get some fresh air!! Move my body!
  So i pulled on my running gear and my sports jacket, on with my running shoes and out i went!!
   For the first while i just power walked, but then when i was all warm and was full of energy, my power walk turned into a run!!
   It felt good! I love running outside, its much better then the treadmill.
Im now all clean and fresh! And just abotu to make myself some coffee and then sit down and study history!! (Usch for having to study during the break!! But  i have a HUGE history test next week. :/)