Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Sunday, September 30, 2012

Cinema - Hypnotisören.

Hello there :) Me again!!!

This evening, it wasnt my usual  evening ritual of sitting home, with a film or series playing on the computer and half studying.... but infact i left the house!! haha i sound like im depressed or something..? Or its just the fact that i have no social life.... and hate leaving the house after 4pm XD
  
But a girl from my class asked if i wanted to go to the cinema with her and 2 others (the 3 girls i usually talk to in school... but still havent found that friend connection?). And ofcourse, as im desperate after friends.... i couldnt, and didnt say no to the offer!!
  Of course, when i found out that the film choice was a horror thriller, i wasnt as excited. Or... i love thrillers. They're my favourite film genre... but the trailer looked, just a little to scary. And i was dreading 2 hours of just horror...
  Of course, i pulled on my good jeans and my new shoes, matching it qith my scarf and leather jacket and i was all set to go!

Co-insidently, 2 of the girls hopped on the same train as me, so we travelled together!!
   We then went to the sweet store... to get snacks.
Really, i felt sick. I had already eaten my home made cupcakes and muffins twice already.... (once with my aunt and sister and then when my mum and P got home...) so i  wasnt craving anything sweet, and im not much of a chips girl,... so i had already bought a bag of cashews which i would munch on...
  of course, i didnt want to feel odd, so i did buy a bag of chocolate and licorice... thinking that if i did get a sweet tooth, i would atleast have something sweet... or just save for later :)

Then it was the... usual line up, buy a ticket... then queue up for the toilet... and then go and sit down in the cinema seats!! :)
 
The film.... Well, it wasnt as scary as i thought. It was basically just a thriller... with murder... and basically a very fucked up mother, and son....
  one thing which put me slightly on edge, was that one man will killed in this gym hall, which is the gym hall outside the tram station which i am basically at everyday.... 
  Errh... i really didnt want to stand there on the tram station, at night nearly on my own!! haah

After the cinema we went to McDonalds.... which, for me isnt a pleasant experience.
   Im not a fan of fast food... of course, i didnt want to be weird, or just sit there with nothing, but i really wasnt hungry either....  so i did munch on some fries and a cola zero... but i do just have to add... (please dont see me as bitchy now just because im writing this... )  but the 3 other girls ate like 2-3 cheese burgers!!! :O i was actually in shock... thats why im writing this...
  Like, ive eaten at McDonalds and have had to eat one of those meals, which is part of recovery... you have to show that you can... after that its your choice whether you eat there or not... for me. I dont think food at McD tastes good.... or i guess the fries are good when your drunk or hungover... and the McFlurrys are ok... but other then that... i dont think it tastes good. & its super unhealthy...
  i mean, please dont take what im writing as wrong.. .as i dont want to affect anyone...
  Its ok to eat McD now and again... theres nothing wrong with that... everything in moderation :)
 Im just someone who doest eat there at all.....

Ok... anyway. That was just what i was going to mention.. haha!!!

And then on the way home, i took a different way... so that i didnt have to stand outside on the tram station, where in the film there had been a murder!! hahah XD
 
And now im home... enjoying a cup of green tea :) mmmm
 
Now its time for bed, have an early start tomorrow... not so fun. -_-
  But a good evening anyway :) :) :)

Coffee and Cake!

Good afternoon lovlies :)
  How is everyone doing? :) (haha... im not so sure why i ask.. nobody really answers!! :) )

So far my morning has been great :)

My sister, aunt and her partner came over and we sat and had coffee, and they got to try what i baked yesterday!!
  (Basically i was bored and decided to bake something... which turned into  3 somethings: Chocolate muffins (which dont look like muffins) Lemon ambrosia cake (the best!!!) and banana and vanilla cupcake with a cinnamon frosting!!!)
 




 
 
Im now going to fix myself some lunch and sit and study for a while :)
Have a great day everyone xxx

Its ok.. i already know im weird :)


Watch and laugh.... :)
  
*This is what happens when you know you should study, but you dont want to!!! *

Today is gonna be a good day!!

Im sitting here, smiling, knowing that today is going to be a good day!!
  
Ive just gotten out of the shower, after a long run!!! Best thing ever!! I had been thinking about heading to the gym, but i was like... i really dont want to. So instead i went out for a long run...Running outside is so much better then the gym!! :)
 
There werent so many people outside, which was nice... it was just me and my music!!
  I did get a few smiles though at my jumper!! XD

My sister and aunt are going to come over soon for some coffee and my chocolate muffins ive made :)
  Then im hoping to Skype with my best friend!!! :)

And soon D is back home again!!! Happy!!! :)  i cant wait :) Not sure what day... but i know ill be waiting to give her a huge hug when shes back!!! :) ^_^

And then tonight ive been asked if i want to go to the cinema with a few girls... (I cant explain how happy i am!!!) Maybe im not as forgotten and alone as i think i am?? :)
   Its some horror- thriller movie... which is my favourite genre... but i must admit, looking at the trailer.. i did get a bit scared!! haha XD

So yeah!! I know that today is gonna be a good day!!!  :):)
 
Now i actually have to try to fit in some studying!!!
  I was planning to just have a quiet day at home and actually get some of my english and science essay done... i guess not!!! :)

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Weekend!!!

I am the type of person who on weekends, likes to do nothing but drink cola zero and watch films!!!
  Like really... i am a very lazy person!!! Im either called, very sporty and active or very lazy!! :) haha.

  If i didnt like running, i dont think id do so much exercise!! I do like going for walks aswell... but im more of a morning walker. I hate leaving the house after like 5pm!! hahah XD It takes a whole lot of coffee and loads of convincing for me to leave the house after 5pm on a weekday....
  im someone who does everything at once... if i go somewhere, then im gone for the day and do everything that has to be done, cus then i get home and can jump into my pyjamas and know i dont have to do anything!! hahah
  Im actually laughing at myself while writing this :)

I have actually opened my civics book and started on my english essay... thats as far as ive come.. and as much as ill do today!!! :)
  I really dont have the energy for studying, and i realised that... i dont have as much as i thought. Usually when i study, i try to do everything at once, so i get it done... and then i can start doing extra if i have time and the motivation... because then on weekdays like now... ive already done half of the work that needs to be done :) So i know i can relax!!
Todays movie is: Gone.

  I love thrillers... of course, i might just be regretting my choice of film, as its about a girl who goes missing (no shit! haha) and the fact is that im home alone tonight... hmmmm... i might just be calling my sister tonight for a sleep over :) XD
    If you want i can write a review about the film, or anyway give it a rating... so you know whether its worth watching or not :)

Recovery takes time

Something which i think most people - who are trying to recover or have recovered - will agree on, is that Recovery takes time.
  
When i first got admitted to the kids psych ward, i remember them saying 2 months minimum... but they said that in those 2 months, i would have permissions home and start living my life... In 2 months? not really.
  After a month in there though, they started talking about something like 6 months minimum as an inpatient.... i was still on complete bedrest and was then put on NG feeding.
   After 8 weeks of that treatment, which was just having the opposite effect on me. My family and I moved to Sweden where i was admitted to Mando.
   When i started there, i remember hearing that one girl, who was an inpatient at the time had only been there c.a 2 weeks and she was about to become a day patient... so i then thought... 2 weeks. Ill be out of there.
  That wasnt the case for me.... i think in totoal over 1,5 years i spent 7/8 months as an inpatient.... Not exactly 2 weeks?
  ¨
When you start recovery, you think... fine. Ill eat again. Ill gain weight... ill be out of there in no time...
  but the truth is... when you start recovery you have to give everything, give up everything for minimum a year.... there is no quick way in recovery. There is no cheat, no short cut.... the short cut just leads back to sqaure one. Trust me.
  It can happen that after 2 months, you feel healthy... think you can do it yourself... think you can manage, you might be able to for a while, but you will come crashing down... not necessarily... i will be very surprised and impressed if someone has managed to break off their treatment after a few weeks and mange to become healthy With a healthy weight.
  
You have to go through the different stages, you have to start off slow... taking things easy. Just getting into the routine of eating. And then in time, start tackling realy life. Getting back into life.
  When you're sick, you think that when you eat a potatoe... youll gain like 2 kg... the fact is... with a c.a 2500 calorie intake everyday... you might gain a half kilo a week. which isnt much.... its gonna take a few months for you to actually get to  a normal weight... and some treatment centres dont actually allow you to start doing anything, or to get back into life again without a normal weight....
  
I am sure most of you can agree that, you expected to be recovered and healthy after a month or so.... it usually takes longer.
  There is also the mental thing... yeah sure, you can have a BMI of 19... gained weight and have a healthy weight...that does not mean that you are healthy. Anorexia, or any eatinf disorder is in the head. It is a mental illness. That is something which many (who are not sick) forget.
  They think that if you suddenly eat again... or have a half ok weight.. then your healthy... NO.
  And that annoys me... because it is all in the head. If you are feeling mentally unweell, depression, loads of anxiety, panic... still hate eating but eat anyway. Then you're nto healthy, no matter what your weight.
  But working on your mental health is usually something you have to work with alot on your own. To spend time thinking positive. Writing down good things. Aims and goals. Telling yourself you look good.
 Finding ways to stop self harming, to stop thinking abotu suicide... everyone has different methods or ways... (iof anyone wants i can later write down some techniques or ways to help with anxiety or any of that...? )
  
Recovery takes time, and i am going to be honest and say... you will have to give up a year or more of your life, and focus solely on your recovery ,on your health... everything else can wait.
  And its hard to hear... but this is your life. This is your health... a year, is nothing compared to how long you will live if you recover? And think about it like this.... one year in recovery.. could stop the rest of your life being sick? How many years of your life have you spent sick? dont you want to start living now?

Doctors and staff will usually say it will take somehting like 2-6 months... and it can do that. So dont not believe them. If you are ready to recover and willing to challenge yourself, to go all out... to stand out with the anxiety and really recover... it can go quickly. If you are willing to keep being healthy...to not just fight to get out of the treatment centre and then start your sick behaviious again?

But dont ever think twice about asking for help or seeking treatment... never.
  Recovery will be one of the best things youve done in your life... the best choice you can make.
 
Even if it takes time... it is worth it (And no... i wont ever stop saying that quote!!! :) )

Just to be Ego!!!

Me today:


Song of the day!!


Jason Mraz - Details in the Fabric

I love Jason Mraz!! His music is soo good!! :) Love his voice!! ( Hahah... crush much? Nahh.. i just love the indie thing!!!) :)

Today is a brand new day!!



^^Ok.. the sit ups and running isnt necessary :) haha... (actually i was plannnig to go for a run... always makes me day better :) )

Friday, September 28, 2012

Friday!!

Good evening everyone.. :)

I am really hating my mood swings... -__- I actually never know what my mood will be like, how i will react to certain things, whether ill laugh, or ill cry or ill scream....
 
Onto my day... which has, luckily enough gone quickly!! Thank God!! :)
  Fridays are my longest days, and they always seem to pass by the slowest aswell... :/
  Today, i had a talk with my mentor... (Not fun!!) My mum had apparently emailed him, so he wanted to talk with me and see what the school could do to help my situation....
  Of course, theres the problem... that i find it very hard to talk to people. I.e, i can get very angry at the person. Close up. Not talk. Sit quietly and fidget.. just wanting to leave the room. My throat closes up. My heart beats quickly... i hate sitting in a room, having to talk to someone about my feelings or what is going on.
  I mean, i can barely talk to my mum... how was i supposed to talk to my mentor... someone whom i barely know? I mean, he knows nothing of my past. He doesnt know that ive spent the last like 2 years in hospital... he doesnt know that i hate and cant talk to people. That i can turn into a full class bitch, because i get angry when people want to talk to me.... i.e, why i write out my feelings on my blog.
  So yeah... i kept myself under control. Not saying much... just the bare minimum... keeping myself from screaming ro walking out of the room... and even worse, crying.
  And after 5-10 minutes, which felt like forever... we decided to have a meeting with my mum, my mentor and the school therapist (or whatever they're called..) Ugghhh.. i havent anxiety over it all.
  Im not sick.... i dont need meetings with teachers and my mum... no no no. Ive had enough of that.
 I guess i just cant escape problems? Of course, this isnt about eating problems.. this is about me actually feeling depressed in school...
 
Of course.. im thinking... maybe? If i do have some other mental illness (maybe borderline...) then that is usually treated with treatment and pills... ? maybe i do need some medicine... i jsut cant seem to feel happy? But i dont want to be on anti-depressives either...?

Otherwise... i had a french test... which i really dont think i did so well... i guess i wont be surprised to see my score anyway.

And then.... guess what i did? :)........................................

There was a model scouting thing in a shopping centrum today, basically you could go there and fill in a paper and like apply and if the agency were interested they will call back...
  So i guess its just to wait and see now.. :) haha XD

And then i bought a pair of new shoes... not sure why? It was my mum who was like, you should... they look good. XD 

DEPECHE, AMBRE VELCRO
^^They have got a heel inside them!! (looking forward to wearing them now!!)
And thats my day... otherwise, i have just eaten a few of my chocolate cupcakes - as i was craving chocolate... but didnt want to go to the shop and buy a chocolate bar.....
  Thats the best thing about baking... i bake LOADS, and then i freeze it in.. and then i know that i have for when the cravings kick in :)


  
:)

Hmmm.. im lacking blog inspo... what to write about.. what to write about? LOL
  Ive got to mention.. ive gotten better with this whole... 'commenting on other peoples blogs and commenting back.. Im proud of myself!! Of course.. im not someone to comment on a blog just because... as im sure all of you are the same.. i mean. If you have nothing to say on a post.. you dont really comment... not so sure why i mentioned that? :)

Emma Watson

I jsut have to say... she is so pretty and amazing!!! And i love some of her quotes!!
  She is a normal weight and size.. a role model for girls. She hasnt lost loads of weight (or not that i know.. maybe she has.. im no stalker.)because shes in the spotlight...
   I think she is absaloutly gorgeous!
 

Woo- Hoo Weekend!!

I dont think i can explain how happy i am!!! 2 days free of school... of course LOTS of studying... but sure. Thats part of school!!
Anyone have any plans for the weekend? ¨:)



Song choice:

Sitting in school.. trying to feel happy. Trying to be positive....

This is my song choice:

One Day...

One day i will be an inspiration... i want to stand up and talk about what ive been through. I want to inspire others to choose recovery... to show others who are sick, that it is possible to recover. That you can live life. That you can enjoy eating. That you can be happpy (Yes you can.. even though for me at the moment im not...)
  I want to show others that you can recover... that you can be at absaloute bottom... and fight your way to the top...
   It takes time. Its hard work. Its a mental battle and it is not at all fun... but it is possible and that is the main thing.
  
I want to stand infront of an audience, i want to go back to Mando, i want to talk about what ive been through. Talk about my experiences.
   Im not scared to talk about what ive been through..the hardest is talking about what im going through. That, i cant talk about.
  But the past... what has happened. That is easy to talk about.. its like telling a story.

I also want to publish a book.. in time... Just to add to the recovery books?!
 
Big dreams!!
  
I also want to be a journalist... where i will write about topics, bringing up things that i believe people need to know about. A bit like an investigator... i want to try to change society and media... ok, I, myself most probably wont change much... but if no ones knows what is going on... things cant change.
  I want to write to change the world.

I am going to run a half marathon!!!  (I also want to run the colour run!!!)

I will graduate from school with top marks, and be happy with my results... to have survived school!

My dreams, goals and ambitions is what keeps me going.... my plans.
What i want to achieve .

Its good to have goals and dreams.. otherwise it can feel so pointless, you wonder what the point is in living.. i still have those thoughts and those days... but as long as i know what i want, where im going... then i can try to keep myself on the right path... the road ahead!!
  

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Im just a problem child

Problem after problem.... why cant i just be normal? Why am i such a burden to everyone?
  It feels like im never allowed to be happy.

Im happy for one moment, before something bad has to happen. Before im back to being sad....
   People say 'Youve been given this life because God knew you can handle it.. i guess i just got to much... maybe God's punishing me?
  Sometimes it feels like God is sitting up there... laughing at me... taunting me.
   Maybe he just wants me to die?
It feels like it....

People must be so annoyed with me, my family and friends must think im attention seeking, you've must probably had enough of me... and my complaining, and my fucked up life....  From one problem to the next....
   Ive had enough of me... Ive had enough of my life.

Home made pizza

Tonights dinner was Pizza!
   I cant say i was so happy about that... im not a big fan of pizza... i dont like the combination. I dont like the taste... gooey cheese? no thank you... I have had pizza numerous times, just to see if i like it? I mean, i cant judge by just eating one pizza? so ive had different pizzas at different places.. and still, i dont like it.
  The only bit i do like... is the crusts!! Yes!! Most people hate the crusts, but i love them... usually if my mom or sister eat pizza, ill eat their crusts!! haha :)
  Tonight though i felt so exhausted and tired, that i couldnt be bothered to say that i didnt want pizza, and i didnt feel like fixing my own dinner either... so i just said ok.
   Eating pizza isnt going to kill me... im not scared of pizza. I just dont like the taste combination... (and yes.. i know its just like a cheese sandwich... but i dont like mozerlla... i dont like any cheese that is warm... i only like edam cheese.. cold... on bread...!!!)
  Tonight we made our own pizzas, which turned out ok... i liked the dough... i could have eaten just that and been happy!
   I shared a pizza with my mum... ours had: Tomatoe sauce, cheese, mozeralla, prawns, olives, tomatoes, onion and oregano!!
  




Piece by Piece im falling apart

Things aren't OK... by no means ok.
  Im falling apart... literally.... i cant handle this anymore.

This morning, i woke up filled with anxiety.. i was shaking from anxiety.. i could barely get dressed or brush my hair because i was shaking so much.
   It felt like my head was about to explode... I feel like such a hypocrite.. telling everyone to be strong, to grin and bear through anxiety... but then again, i guess i never said it was easy....
 I know what its like to have anxiety... but you just have to ride the wave...

My anxiety isnt about food though, this has got nothing to do with food... this is something else...

Its school related.... basically, i hate school. Ive never liked school, and i get anxiety thinking about it. I want to just lie in bed... i dont want to get up every morning.
   Im waiting for things to get better, but they're not.

All of last year, i went to a school i hated... wishing that this year would be better. This year id have friends, this year i would actually live life...
   Guess what, things arent better?
And it feels like a part of me is dying... im just waiting... waiting for things to get better... and theyre not.
  I mean, things are easier now that i dont have a problem with food... but i somehow thought that, when i was recovered from anorexia, things would be better... but they arent.
  It feels like im destined to have a shit life...
Maybe im not supposed to live? Maybe these are all signs...?
I just wish that i had taken my life when i was sick with anorexia...

Now.. im feeling really shit... mentally. Im so tired... and i cant keep this up. Im running from my problems.. telling people im fine...
  but i really amnt. Inside, im wishing for death.. im wishing that a car will run me over, so that i dont have to 'explain why i want to die'. If i OD, and i end up in hospital, then ill be in psyciatric ward.. and that i dont want.
  But i guess i might have to go there anyway, as me and my mum are coming to the conclusion that i might have borderline, or some other problem... Yeah, thanx... like i havent had enough. :/
  
I really dont want to be so depressive, but the fact is.. this is my blog. And i guess if this is triggering, you can stop reading... but i started this blog so that i could write out my feelings, because i find it so difficult to talk to people...
  so i write it out...

Today though, i did talk to my mum. I asked her if she wanted to go for coffee after school, i wanted to talk with her.. tell her what was going on. And that was my first step.. my cry of help.
  Of course, all the time we sat in the cafe, i couldnt bring myself to say anything... it was only on the way to the car, that mum asked how it was with friends.... slowly the truth came out...
   And i ended up sitting  in the car, crying, shaking with anxiety as the truth came out....
   My mum said shes gonna help me fix things. But i dont know how... what is there to fix?
 
I want to drop out of school.. thats how much i hate it.
It feels like theres a sign above me, telling people to not talk to me... to freeze me out.... i dont know.
  
I dont know what there can be done...  but i really dont know how long i can continue.
  I am feeling so bad... mentally. I am so exhausted from feeling like this.... from all the anxiety and fear.
   My self loathing is starting to come back.... looking at myself and hating myself.

I have no idea what will happen from here on....
  but i am just hoping that things get better... otherwise there is no pretty end to my story.

Me today:




Coffee date with my mum

After school me and my mum met up and headed to a cafe.
  I had already had lunch, but i was feeling cold and hungry, so i had a greenpea soup and cheesesandwich!! Mmmm :)

 

Film Review!!

Yesterday i decided to put my books away, to not look at a maths question, or look at my science essay and everything else that i have and is piling up (ok not literally... i have things under control... sort of. But it always feels like i have loads more to do then i actually do?)
  And i decided to just watch a movie and relax.... to not think about school!!
Last nights movie choice was: What to expect when you're expecting!!
  A really good film!!!


Even though its a 'romantic comedy' adn there are people with their 'great' relationships... you dont feel bad because you're sitting alone, in your room, in your pyjamas watching a film!! You dont feel all 'single forever' like most romantic comedies!!!
  Hahah :)

I give it an 8/10!! It was funny and easy to watch!! And the 1hour 40, felt like nothing...
  Of course, i have bad concentration... so find it very hard to watch a movie... i get so restless, or have to do something with my hands...
  But scrolling through Tumblr, it was easy to keep up with the film and know what was going on!!

What i usually do is i have a film or series playing while i study, or am alone... it makes me feel not as alone.
  I love being alone.. i always just want to sit alone in my room... but at the same time, I cant sit in silence. I always have to have a series or film on or some music playing... even when im studying!!
  
I reccommend the film!! So if you havent seen it already... go watch it! :)