Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Friday, August 31, 2012

we shouldnt be scared to eat

yyou know what ive realised... or actually always known  that we shouldnt be so scared to eat, to restrict and not allow ourselves certain foods... we our young... really our bodies justburn everything weeat anway,... i mean, when you enter that late 30s 40s... then  
ou will need to cutdown and maybe not eat certain foods...but for now, we are young.... we dont need to restrict or deny ourselves certsin foods... its about a healthy balanced diet abnd lifestyle. its all about moderation.. it was actuallyrealised thks by the help of my sister, she is normal and normal weight. she eat normally. whether its a salad,or,its a barof chocolate... and she goes to the gym when sshe feels she needs to exercise... she has a balanced healthy lifestyle.
   thats the way it should be..... i mean were in our youth. our metabolism is at our best... so really we can enjoy what ever we want!!! 
  when we restrict, wre just ruining our meabolism. slowing it down... its betterto eat a little every 2-3 hours you keep the metabolism up.
   
we are young.... we should enjoy our youth and eat nice food before its too lat...


im sorry this is written so bad... im currently on the phone withcD  and not reslly concentrating... i had loads to say and had the words in my head... but now cus im not focusing onthe blog my words arent coming forward... so you just have to resort to my half focussed writing!!! 

basically... realise that oure young. at the stage where your metabolism is best... you can eat whatever you want.!!!!


If i didnt have friends, i dont know where id be now

In all honesty, i dont think id be alive if i didnt have friends...
   i live to have fun. I live for friends... 

And there are only a few people who i let close to me, and tell them everything, and let them comfort me.. otherwise, i have a protection, an armour...
   I love my friends. And they mean so much to me. And i try my best to always be there for them, to listen and give advice. To comfrot them when they need comforting.
 
My friends are my world, i think that is why i feel so sad at the moment. Because it feels like i dont have so many friends at the moment, and am having trouble making new friends.
  But from some very good avice, and much support from my friends, and some readers... i am going to just, relax, smile and really try to make friends... if they dont want me, dont accept me.. -Well then im fucked... - but i believe that i will make close friends, people i can talk to´. Maybe not as close as my closest friends at the moment, but someone im willing to spend time with outside school...
  
¨Things take time... and change takes time.... but it will get better.

Im feeling slightly better, maybe its the fact that its weekend now.... and even though i have studied all evening, i have actually talked somethings out... and it feels better... if only a little. It feels like i can breathe a little easier.
  
I promise you, i will have more positive, and happy blogging on the way!! :)
 
I am going to change my thoughts, and turn myself into a happy Izzy again. I dont want to spend my weekend sad, and the return to school feeling sad. Instead, i am going to do something fun... or something that makes me happy.
  And im going to start off by watching a few series episodes (Best thing i know!!) and studying the periodic table (Fun right?!) & eating a bowl of natural yoghurt with banana, peanut butter and raisins!!!
  And then its bed time, and then ill see what tomorrow brings... maybe a running trip, or a trip to the gym... otherwise, we'll see!!
^
***Did i mention that i bought a new pair of running short!! I love them!! I feel very sexy in them  :) hah... XD
 **i will post a picture later :)

Sometimes all you need is a hug and someone to listen

All i really want right now is a really big, long hug... and the thing is, i hate hugs. Ask my family, my friends... they'll all tell you, that i hate hugs.
  But now, thats all i want... and i want someone to listen... i want to talk about all my problems and feelings.. i want someone to be there for me, instead of the other way around...
   but nobody has time for me.... (didnt i like write the same thing a few days ago?)
  I dont know if its me pushing people or away, or if its just that they dont care...? i dont know which one is right.

Letting the tears roll down my cheeks, im just gonna drown myself in my studies, and spend my Friday night with my nose in my school books... Life is so tragic.
  
I want something fun to look forward to... i want sun. I want friends. I want parties and alochol. I want memories and nights to remember. I want to be able to sit out in the evening, i want days on the beach.....
  I want summer- I cant believe i have to wait a whole year...

In Sweden, many get this autumn/winter depression as it get so dark and cold, and the weather so bad. And i get very affected by the weather, so that is also affecting my moood...
  at the moment, i have no idea how ill last this autumn/winter... not if im this affected by bad weather...

Lonely and filled with anxiety.

Im wondering how much i should blog now adays... there is a  Huge difference in my humor... for some reason, i can still smile, and act... but it isnt true. Its just a mask, its a roll im playing. Inside, it feels like im falling apart.
  Im not restricting or any of that, there is no problem with food... theres just a general problem and i dont know what it is?

I think its school... i go there everyday, and hate it. Or... i like it, but hate it at the same time.
  I dont mind sitting in class and learning, thats fine. And working in groups, thats all good... its the breaks... its the 5-30 minutes, where i dont know where to be... it feels like i dont fit in anywhere.
  It feels like noone wants to be my friend.... as if there is something wrong with me.
  During the breaks, i dont know where to be, who to hang with.. it feels like im not wanted anywhere. And i get filled with anxiety, and a home longing. i dont want to be in school... with people who cant be bothered to make conversation or get ot know me.
  Inside, im falling apart and barely managing to keep the tears in.... i feel so alone. So lost... like i dont know where im going or what im doing... but i do...
 Everything is a mess, and im starting to dread school, Just like always. I have never liked school, never.ever.
  And once again, im back to the same situation... im good at getting to know other people, but for some reason, it feels like people arent interested in getting to know me..

So all of that is bringing me down...
  and lately ive been filled with anxiety all the time.... it feels like my head is about to explode... like all my thoughts are just too much.. i want to shut it off... and thats when bad things can happen.

I dont know what to do... if i knew that i wasnt eating right, then i would just try to eat more... but now... its just the whole 'school situation' and friends that is hard, and is making me sad...

School is just not a great time.... :/
  
Im going to try my sad/depp mood and emotions away from the blog, i really dont want to trigger anyone or anything....
   its only if i feel i need to write something out... ;/¨

I dont know.... how has eveyrones day been?

Food pictures

You have to try

Be happy

Raining cats and dogs

Good morning from Sweden :)
   The clock is 08.30 and im wide awake with a coffee at my side!!!

Today is one of those days where you just want to stay in your pyjamas,  under the blanket all day... 
  i had planned to take my dog for a long walk this morning, but its raining cats and dogs (wouldnt it be cool if it actually did that... like.. 'free cats and dogs on the street! hah XD) so im not really planning to go out now.... my poor dog, shes just staring up at me... waiting to go out. :/ Naaaww

Im going ot make use of my extra time before school and do some cleaning!! I can never keep my wardrobe clean.. I can keep my room clean, but my wardrobe... nope never. There is always things falling out, i just like throw everything in.. if you cant see it... its not there!! hah XD So im going to attempt folding my clothes and cleaning in there...
  and then we'll see if i have time left for the rest of my room!! haha

Today is Friday!! We can all breathe easy... its the weekend soon :)
   Anyone have any plans for the weekend ? :)

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Cystic Fibrosis

Sometimes you might see that i mention, my other illness or CF. And when i say that, i mean Cystic Fibrosis. My other illness.
   I was born with CF, its in my genes... which kinda sucks. It is a life threatening illness, and when i was born i had to be acutely operated on because i had a blockage in my stomach. Apparently i could have died on the operating table? which is scary to think as i had just been born.... but luckily i survived.
  I spent the next month in hospital in an incubator, as i was born a month too early.
 
CF is an inherited illness, and it affects the lungs and stomach - the stomach doesnt create enough enzymes, so food doesnt get absorbed, which can leave many with CF malnourished.
  And CF can in time also affect the liver, and there is CF related diabetes and lots of other troubles & complications. i.e the lungs can collapse, in the worst case, or you need a lung transplant etc etc...

My life is always going to be 'medication & doctors visits' thats how it is...

CF lowers the immune system, so it is alot easier to catch colds, and then it is harder to get rid of them, and many times it can become alot worse. I.e the bacteria gets stuck in the lungs, and causes a whole load of trouble.
  And that can lead to hospital admition and IV's.

I have to use a nebuliser,  everyday.... 2-3 times (but i hardly have time for that...) to keep my lungs clear, and i have to do physiotherapy and lung clearance... it takes alot of time.
   And then i also need to keep active, they reccommend doing 1-2 hours cardio everyday... i.e why ive always said that i need to exercise and why i run so often & i love running. To keep the lungs clear, i need to exercise and get phlegm up... (TMI?!)
    But, because of CF, it is also hard to get the right amount of energy and nutrients in... thats why i need to eat soo much.. i mean, my body burns more then average, just because of my CF, because that takes SO MUCH energy each day... and then i exercise to keep my lungs clear & my body doesnt absorb as much as average... sooo.... it all results to eat ALOT. Ever since ive been little, ive always had supplement drinks, milkshakes, extra cream & butter, always eating snacks.... until around 12 years old, when i stopped eating so much.... and my ED started to take control of my life...
  
Every month or so, i go for a check up at a CF clinic, where i talk to the doctor, do a lung function (basically check my lung capacity), physiotherapy etc etc.
   During my childhood, i missed alot of school due to my CF. i would catch a cold and be home sick for  4-6 weeks... which is crazy right? and it could be just a few weeks later that i catch another cold. It was very hard... i hated going back to school after being out so long... but i kept up my studying and never fell behind.
   That is why i am so good at studying at home, because i had no option while growing up. I had to study at home and do work at home..
  And when things got too bad, i had to be admitted to hospital with a  IV and i would be in hospital for a month or so... adn that would usually keep me healthy for a few months.
   Hospital visits and admitions is common for people with Cf, you could almost say it is their second home... :/
 
I have always been very open about my CF, everyone has always known... even though you cant see that i have Cf. People have noticed, by the way i cough (as if im a smoker or something), or when i catch a cold, i go complelty white and look very sick. and then when im out from school for very long periods.
  Thats about the worst thing, and i dread it... i will do anything to keep from having to miss school. Ive been told by my doctors that i should be admitted to have IV, but ive refused. I cant miss school, i dont want to miss a month, and be that 'weird girl' again.

My CF has played a huge roll in my ED. i remember around 11/12 years old, i had a rebel stage... i started refusing to take my meds. I stopped doing my nebuliser. I hated having CF.  I hated missing school. I didnt want to be at home sick. I didnt want to be different. I remmeber sitting on the staircase, crying to my mum... begging her to make me normal. To let me go to school, and be like eveyrone else.
  She hugged me, and tried to comfort me and told me, that i wont be healthy or normal unless i take my meds. But i hated it.
  
And then i started Googling CF, as really... i didnt know so much about it. I just knew that i had this illness...  and thats when i learnt all this shocking, scary news. Like, people with CF dont have as long a life span. They can have complications with their liver etc. Complications having kids. And really they should avoid people who are sick...
   it was alot to take it. and i suddenly started thinking... whats the point of living if im not gonna live to 80+? I was a 11/12 year old at that time, and it had a huge effect on me....
   Around that time, because i stopped taking my meds. I became very sick, so sick that i actually couldnt eat so much... i was like that for a month before i was admitted to hospital with IV's.
  
I've always had love-hate relationship with food. Ive always known that i can eat more, eat loads... and loads of high fat foods without gaining weight (ive always been bwlow my normal BMI.) but ive never wanted to... just because can. Of course, its extra bad for people with Cf to be underweight, as they actually need extra weight because when you get sick and stop eating, you can easily lose a few kilo and if you are already underweight, things get alot more complicated....

When i was sick with Anorexia, my CF got a lot worse aswell. My lung function dropped to 30-40% which is very dangerous (before i had been around 90-100%)
   You are supposed to do exercise and cardio when you have CF,but when i was admitted to Psyc & Mando, i was on bedrest and wasnt allowed any activity, which also had a bad affect on my lungs...
  
Trying to gain weight, while in hospital (Mando) it was always extra hard, because my body just uses so much energy... hence why i  ate LOADS more then anybody there (yes... there's proof.) & i had 2 supplement drinks a day.. and still, i didnt always gain weight... so it was hard.
  
Cystic Fibrosis is something i'll have to live with, and its always gonna affect me. Of course, im not the worst case. Trust me, im friends with some people on FB who have CF, and i realise how good my life is compared to them...
  they are continuously in hospital, they have trouble going to school or work. They are weak adn continuously look sick. They are malnourished....
 
I used to always think that CF was something that held me back, but ive realised it doesnt... yes, i can get tired alot easier, and i can find it harder to breathe, and yes.. i can miss school and spend a lot of time in hospital... but it still doesnt keep me from doing what i want to do. I still go school and socialize, i still go to parties and drink and have fun... i still exercise.
 
Dealing with 1 illness is bad enough, so it didnt help when i got Anorexia... i remember i kept being told, You can recover from Anorexia, you dont always have to have 2 illness, CF is something you'll live with...
  
Really, im not so sure what else to write!! haha, you acn just come with questions about Cf though if there is anything you wonder about. Or read my cystic fibrosis page, which ive written a bit more...
 
Otherwise... you can see a picture of my daily medications!!



^^^Drug abuse or what?!! haha
LOL... nah, but it was kinda shocking to see that that is just what i take in 1 day.
& when im sick, add like 9 more tablets each day... -_-
 
And i want to add that my Just Breathe tattoo is CF related.
The slogan, or logo or whatever you say... for Cf is Just Breathe, or 65 roses.
It means more then that to me... but it is one meaning behind my tattoo!! :)
So now you know :)
 

 
 
 
Thats about all i have to say for now... but if there is anythign more, just ask :)

Answers:

do you like editing the puictures you take, too, or do you just like to photograph?
  Normally i dont actually edit my photos.... its just once or twice, i need to like fix the lighting or something... but usually im too lazy. i used to spend loads of time editing photos.. now its, take the photo. Upload the photo :)

another question, how is eating at school for you? what i mean is that girls tend to complain about their weight etc, etc and say all sorts of stupid stuff. maybe you know what i mean. i find it very irritating to have to listen to all that and i'd much rather go sit somewhere else but well you don' want to be antisocial either...... does it ever bother you?
  Thank you for asking :) It's going well... you might not have noticed, but im not complaining about the school food? I did alot last year... that was cus the school food was horrible, in my school now... its really good. Im surprised, everyone actually likes it. You can choose from meat, fish or vegetarian!! Ive even taken seconds sometimes as well :)
  My worst problem with school and eating was how self conscious i was, i hated eating infront of people.. it felt like everyone was looking at me... but now, i dont feel like that. It would be more weird if i didnt eat..!!
  So far, no one has actually talked about calories, weight or dieting at the lunch table... which is a relief. Because it did happen a few tiems at my previous school, and i hated it... i wanted to talk away, or tell them to shut up.
  I used to also find it annoying when people left food on their plate... but now it doesnt bother me. Because it happens when i dont like the food, or took to much and cant eat it all... and im not embarrassed to say i want more aswell. :) So its all good.
  It can be hard though when people start talking about dieting and wieght loss or complaining about their weight, when you're sitting there, eating.. but its something that does happen in life, and you cant control it. You just have to know, that you need the food. Yeah, maybe they are 5kg over weight... or need to lose some weight... but thats not your problem, that doesnt mean you have to lose weight aswell...
 
What a.cute dog!!! How old is he/she?
  She is 3 years old, soon turning four!! I love her loads :)

this is going to sound strange but my friend is anorexic and she told me at night she eats crackers or little food without now one knowing its not much but she said its like her little seceret did you ever do that but weird she told me i told her and asked why she said i dont know is it common for anorexics to eat secretly even though its low calorie food
  Yeah, while i was sick i did night eat sometimes... that was mainly because lying in bed, starving was the worst thing i knew.... i couldnt sleep with my stomach hurting from hunger. So then i would eat something low calorie, for me... it was like half an apple or a few pieces of cereal or a rice cake... which really didnt do much...
  For some anorexics, they eat privately because they dont want anyone to see them eat... and because they get so much anxiety when they eat they eat light foods. and at night, when no  one can see them eat...  It is common to eat in secret though. Sometimes i sat there with my friends, during lunch and told them that i had already eaten, and then afterwards i would go to the bathroom, stand in a sall and eat a few carrot sticks, or a rice cake or soemthing... i didnt want people to see me eat. That was the worst....
  It is part of an ED, not everyone does it... but some people who are sick do.

how come you'd rather adopt?
  I either get judged or get given weird looks when i say that id like to adopt.. i dont want my own kids... i dont even know if i can have kids anyway.
  But im not into the whole 'prgnany thing' nah... not really. And im not such a kids-person... i can find them rather annoying .But at the same time, being old with no children or grandchildren.. . thats kinda sad.
  Id like to adopt a chinese kid... :)

Even though.. ever since i learned about kids and how they were made and all that, ive wanted twins... not so sure why. I just have... so we'll see what happens in the future, but having my own kids isnt the first thing on my list to do!! hahahXD

Hey You!!

More: Food Pictures

Outfit of the day:

Nothing special... just a white loose top & blue jeans.
  A simple Thursday in school:





^^Im not bald.. i just have my hair in a pony tail!

About me:

Now you have a chance to learn me better :)

^^Me^^
 
7 things i like:
  • Sushi
  • Friends
  • Partying
  • Running (should be top of my list!!??)
  • Shopping
  • Travelling
  • Baking
6 things i dislike:
  • Homework
  • No sleep
  • Angry people
  • doctors appointments
  • missing in the train/subway
  • when theres no food in the house
5 countries/cities i want to visit:
  • New york
  • Paris
  • Florida
  • Hawaii
  • Thailand
4 series i watch:
  • Pretty little liars
  • Vampire Diaries
  • Life unexpected
  • Awkward
3 Hobbies:
  • Running
  • Writing
  • Photography
2 favourite meals/dishes:
  • Sushi
  • Chicken & avocado salad
  • &&Had to add a third!! - Tacos
1 thing i want to do in the future:
  • Become a famous journalist & make it big in New York!

Now you know a little bit more about me :)

I just want to remind you all

¨