Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Diary entry

My life was unbearable... my days were filled with anxiety and panic. I refused the food at Mando. I refused Mando help, but i was stuck in day patients. I had just overdosed on painkillers and had spent a weekend with an IV attached to my arm. And things just got worse from there.
  I had so much anxiety and pain. And nobody noticed. My mum had given up on me, and nobody at Mando noticed how much i was struggling. They didnt care.
   They had given up on me, they didnt want to see how hard thigns were for me... just becaus ei didnt open up. But on my own i sat crying, marking my arms with even more arms.

And i decided that i couldnt do it anymore, that was when i decided that i would take my life, once and for all. My first chance out of HDV and i would kill myself.
  

8/3/2011 - Mando inpatients.


Am i really such a good actress that the staff dont see through my facade?
   They dont see how much pain, how much anger, hurt, anxiety i carry around.
Am i to face it on my own? Everyone else gets help, they notice when someone else is sad, when someone else cries or has anxiety. They dont notice me.
  No one wants to help me. No one wants to face the fact that i am not strong. That i break. That i have anxiety.
  Theyre perfectly happy with just sitting there and watching me struggle, not even asking if im ok.
Not even when the tears are falling.
I dont want to do this.
Im ready to kill myself, where is the knife. The painkillers? I need them. I need to end this, i have money now.
 Next chance im going to buy a pack of 30+ extra strong painkillers.
 That should do the trick... Just end it. Not be weak.
  This time i wont tell anyone.
Next time i'll die.




3 comments:

  1. im so interested in mando...can you post your food diaries from there

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think ive posted my food diaries from Mando in my 'diets' page.
      But i might post some old meal plans - From Mando- so keep an eye out!! :)

      Is there anything from Mando you would like to know about?
      I.e day patients. In patients. Food. Any old diary entries...

      I'll write it all out in some posts if theres anything you wonder :) Just let me know!!

      Delete
  2. It's so sad knowing that you wanted to end your life. I felt the same way. Never think that your weak. You were strong not to try to end your life, I was the weak one who tried. It turns out painkillers kill slowly and I was in the worst pain and sickness I had ever felt for days. Luckily the doctors weren't too late. xx

    ReplyDelete