Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Sunday, July 15, 2012

breakdown

Breakdown. I had a complete breakdown today. And I dont even know why. It was mainly that my mum and her partner were just like taking photos of my sister and her boyfriend. All the time. Making them pose. Etc etc.(and this may,sound stupid.) But suddenly I got all these thoughts like. no ones taking a photo of me because I'm too fat. I'm too ugly for the camera. I'm unloved. No one cares about me. all these thoughts. Making me all sad. It feela like I have so much self hate for myself at the moment. I can't see myself right. Like I have BDD. I feel so angry. Tired and sad. And I hate myself and the way I look. So I just walked away and sat on a bench and let all my emotions out. While I sat there. I wished for a knife. Anything to hurt myself. To stop feeling all the inner emotions. Hyderabad feel external pain. I wanted to die. Right there and then I wanted to jump off the cliff I was on. Just end my life. All these thoughts came up. And I felt so sad and helpless. I felt alone. I'm one little girl from the billions of others in this world. Both my mum and sister have a partner and are ao happy and in love. And I'm so happy for them they deserve to be happy and be loved. I just feel even more alone. I had thoughts of the future. The future scares me so much. There's not even words to describe my anxiety infor the future. Each time I think of the future I think of suicide. It's the fear of the unknown.. And then of course my self hate. How I hate how I look. But really.... I,can't do anything about it. I can't lose weight.... will I ever like myself? Like my body? This self hate isn't just one day. It's been constantly for the last few weeks and I dont know why? Why do I hate myself so much? And it made me sad.. I mean. I did like my body.. the way I looked. And I don't know whats changed? Maybe I have like a mild depression? I can't seem to feel happy? Or I was happy yesterday I guess? I sat there with tears running down my cheeks. Wishing to die...... feeling so alone. And then my sister found me and sat beside me. Hugging me. Not saying anything....it was nice. I finally asked her if she was scared of the future. We talked about different things and I just cried. Feeling even more sad. Then my mum came and I just got angry and I don't know why. Of course she got worries about why I was angry and crying.... but I couldn't explain. I didn't even know why myself.... I stormed off wanting to be on my own. Write out my feelings like I'm doing now. I still feel sad. I still have tears running down my cheeks. I feel tired and stupid.... not sure Whats happening. Why I broke down. I'm feeling really tired. Mentally and physically. I'm wondering what my mum and sister thinks... I hope they're not worried. I guess I'm going to have to talk to them later but I don't know what to say.... I can't explain how much I hate myself without sounding sick or setting off warning bells. I don't know what to do. And I don't know why I'm feeling like this.... its like I've ruined this little get away by having my breakdown today.... but I can't even remember when I last cried.... it just feels like I want to cry. Over everything and nothing at all.... I just feel really emotional.:/

4 comments:

  1. Hun im so sorry to hear you are having a rough time. but its normal to go through phases of ups and downs. try to focus on what you DO enjoy in life and do little things to start trying to get that happy positive izzy back. like painting your nails, doing makeup, baking or hanging out with friends. your ED will try to twist everything into making you feel like crap, so IGNORE IT. stay one step ahead and write down all the reasons that ED is a bitch and a liar.
    sending you lots of positive vibes and a smile to borrow till you get yours back :-)
    x

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  2. Life can come down on you sometimes, and I am so sorry that you are having a rough time right now. However, don't forget how strong you are and how cheerful like can be when you trust in it. xo

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  3. Vill bara säga att du inte är ensam om den där känslan. Jag känner exakt likadant.

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  4. Sweetie so sorry to hear you've been feeling so down lately...ohh I know all those feelings too well:S But you know...once someone told me when things get really bad like and all those really strong emotions come up it means that right now you're being challenged with something, that something may be changing inside you....ED of course is screaming like hell because ED doesn't want any change it wants to wear you down....

    It's now crucial how you deal with this...you're so strong, you've got such power within you and you've come so far already - as silly as it sounds IGNORE ALL THOSE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. THEY ARE NOT TRUE. Life is wonderful (haha so LOL can't believe that I'm actually saying that;D but it's true....) Fight negative thoughts, do something that does you good and distracts you like Clemmy suggests...

    And if you're feeling lonely, realise that you may feel like that but that you're NOT alone. Ask anyone you like for a hug, just tell them you feel lonely, you'll see you'll get a nice, warm hug and it'll feel wonderful...haha I know this hug-thingy may sound funny;) But it's what I do...or try to anyway, because it's so hard for me at those times... and everytime I manage to do that, to just admit that I feel lonely and ask someone to give me a hug,...this always feels like such a huge step forward and so anti-ED/depression!!;D

    Biiig hug from my side - you can get through this!!
    xxx

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