Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Blog exchange

As you all know, i like to link and share others blogs so that people can find new blogs to read and the bloggers get more readers...
   Camille is a new blogger, and i thought i would share her blog so that if you want you can check out her blog, and send her a little message. Things arent all roses and chocolates for her at the moment, but she's trying to recover even though she's having it tough.
   So check out her blog and send her a little message :)

Camille

http://itickthewayidobecauseiamme.blogspot.se/

The day had its ups and downs

As i wrote earlier... today didnt turn out at all like i had planned...
   The day included tears, laughter, head aches, coffee, trail mix and funny programs.....
 
It was an up-down day today... Ive had a constant headache though, it feels like my head is about to explode.... and it feels like i want to jump out of my skin... not because i feel fat... i just feel weird.
  Anxiety... But why...? i dont know why i have anxiety...:/

Theres not so much else to write, so good night x

^^im veyr upset in the picture..:(



not as i had planned -_-

Good afternoon my lovelies!!! Today hasn't quite turned out as I had thought.... My plans today were to meet D somewhat early in the morning and we'd get ready and go out and take photos in the sun... we'd pack lunch with us and stay out and try to get a tan.... that dint quite work out. I woke late this morning and started stressing about. Cooking pasta and making a salad and trying to eat breakfast AC/DC the same time. And thrn getting dressed while packing my bbag.... all resulted in that I left the house later then I thought I would And then because I was stressed things just went wrong. I.e I missed the train and had to wait 10 minutes I had bright a bag of supplement drinks to give to D and I drop the bag on one of the busiest stations in the city and I sit there on the ground trying to pick up the bottles while everyone walks around me. And then when I stand up a train goes by and my skirt flies up so I do a marilyn Monroe haha... not fun. By the time I get to D I'm tired and just fall onto her couch.... not wanting to do anything .... And then 5 minutes later these huge black clouds cover the sky and since then I.e 2 hours ago. It's been pouring with rain and thunder and lightening. I'm very weather-sensitive (there's a word for it but can't be bothered to look it up.... isn't it monosensitive? Or....) so I've got the worst headache and feel like in about to puke..... generally feeling awful. I had brought with me my gym gear if I felt like it later but I think I'm just planning to head home and lie in bed.... the weather affects me so much.... no wonder I get depressed easily...-_- We didn't have much of a picnic but we did sit on the sofa and eat the pasta salad I brought!!!Yum Yum!!! That's my little update!!!:) will write later. And will reply to all the mails when I get onto a computer t home!!!:)

Day 10 A dream for the future

One of my dreams for the future is to live in New York and work as a journalist. I want to have my own magazine, and write about important things, like society and that. I want to change the way some things are.
   Hahah... ambitions, ambitions... But i mean, you wont come anywhere if you dont have dreams or goals!!!
  Why i want to live in New York i dont know...? Maybe Manhatten...
I was thinking London, but no offence to anyone who lives in London, i just find it so grey...? ive been there many times as i have family in hte UK. But theres just something about London...? I do love british people though, they all have a certain charm and an air which i like!! haha XD
     And i mean, i could always stay in Stockholm and become a journalist, but i want to write in english and i guess theres more chance that i will be come something big if i work in an english speaking country!!
  Of course... how and when i will get to New York, i have no idea... but if i have a goal/aim... im sure thigns will work out someway!!

Monday, July 30, 2012

Night snack

I love when i can spend time on my food, make it look nice, and i love having loads of healthy yummy food to eat!!
   Making it colourful and healthy!!! I love spending time on my food... not in an unhealthy obsession way... but like making it look appetizing. And i love making different types of salad!! haha :)

My night snack tonight:





Melon, plum, raisins, vanilla yoghurt and granola.
Yummm

Even though ive just eaten, looking at the photos makes me want more... *Tempting* :)

I love the way i look!!

For the moment, i love the way i look!!
 
When i pass a mirror, i dont look in it to see if i look fat, or to notice my bad things, i look in the mirror and smile, because i like the way i look.
   No, im not underweight. Im not the skinniest person you will see. Yes i eat alot of food, Yes i workout!!
  And Yes, i love my body!!

At the moment, my legs are the worst thing to try to accept... i mean, they wont get thinner and they wont get longer... what am i supposed to do.
  I mean, if i hate my stomach/belly (which i dont) its just to tru to tone up, if i hate my ass... try to tone up etc etc.
  But i like my body... i feel that running and my workout routine has helped loads. Its made me stronger, i feel better and healthier in my body!!
  I like the fact that i can work out. I like that i can run.
I like that my arms are starting to get more muscles, and that my ass is starting to tone up!!

Im starting to accept and like my body!! Its so strange...!! But i love it.
  I love that i can be happy over my body!! That i like the way i look.
  I dont feel self concious....!!

Be happy with your body.. it makes a whole lot of different! to be happy with the way you look!!









Blank

I really dont have anything to write about today. -_- I feel so uninspired to write... nothing to say. Im losing my blog-motivation... :/

I did actually get out of the house today though. Met D, we talked alot about different things. Shared a ceaser salad. And then when we got hungry again we bought a bun!!
   Why do i just write about food...? -_- Dont i have more important thigns to write about..?

I have no idea how im feeling recently, so low.... so tired. I dont have the energy. I barely have the energy to talk to people or smile. I just want to sit in a dark room on my own... Just like what i wanted to do when i was sick... -_-
  I havent been sleeping well, it feels like i dont have the energy for anything. I dont feel happy or excited about anything... i have major mood swings, but usually my mood is just down...
  im not worried or anxious about anything... so thats fine. But im not sos ure why im feeling like this.. it kind of sucks.
  But it means that ive lost my inspiriation to blog.. dont really have anything to say.
 
-_-

But you all know me, i cant stay awawy from the blog - So keep checking!! :)

Day 9 Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

I have so many dream, hopes and plans for the next year... For the rest of my life!!
 
I've written like 2 A4 pages of dreams and hopes, and thigns i want to do and see and experience!!!

But i'll write a bit of what i want for the next 365 days!!!
 
  • To get declared healthy, and to accept and like my body (which i already do!!)
  • To get top marks in school (i usually get top marks.. but never hurts to wish! :))
  • To make new friends and hhave a boyfriend (or more...? Haha!)
  • To start modelling
  • To get a new tattoo
  • To get a part time job!
  • To go to parties and have fun!
  • To start writing for a magazine/newspaper (some local paper maybe...?)
  • To travel


Hmmm... that was what i could think of... for the next year anyway, thats my plans, dreams and hopes!! :)

Sunday, July 29, 2012

POTC - The curse of the black pearl

Watching my favourite movie ever!!!
 Pirates of the Caribbean - The curse of the black pearl!

I absaloutly love Johnny Depp in the film!!! XD

Snack time!

^^Nom Nom Nom!!!^
My favourite!
Japanese mix & chocolate/yoghurt covered nuts & raisins!

Whats your favourite snack? Who else likes natural sweets? :)

You're as sweet as sugar!!

I just thought id bring up this topic as ive read a few girls blogs who have written about it aswell.
   Sugar when you're sick, its one of the things you're most scared of. You cut out anything that has sugar.
  But then in recovery, you have to face that fear and become friends with sugar again... some get to friendly!! (haha)
   When your in recovery you have to start eating sweet foods again, you have to train to eat chocolate, sweets, buns, ice cream, cake etc etc.
  I even once got told by my case manager that i had to eat something sweet 4/5 times a week... i was like, what? thats not exaclty healthy, normal people dont eat sweet things everyday. Its not good for your health.

You learn to like sweet things again. But just becuse you've been anorexic, doesnt mean that you wont get addicted.
   And because you 'might' get addicted to sweet things, you might end up getting loads of anxiety and it can lead to either binging or purging.. or both.
 
I went through a period where i was eating loads of sweet things all the time. Not because i was forced to, but because i wanted to. And it lead to that if i didnt eat something sweet id crave it and it could lead to a binge. I was baking loads at the time, so that id always have something sweet to eat... but i mean, thats not healthy.
  Just because i might burn loads of energy each day, and that i need high fat food... i dont need to eat chcolate just because i need to eat high calorie food.
  I mean, chocolate does have alot of sugar, and really loads of sugar isnt good for anyone. It can lead to diabetes and that...
  
I mean, eating soemthing sweet 2-3 times a week, thats normal. Maybe a cookie when your drinking coffee one day, and then another day its warm so you buy an ice cream and then a few days later you eat popcorn at the cinema... thats fine and its normal.
 
I feel that sometimes the treatment plan for ED recovery can be a bit damaging aswell...
  I mean, when your recoverying from an ED, you're learnt to be still. To do minimal activity... but what happens when you're out in the real world...? when you have to walk to the bus station. Or take the steps, or when you have to do P.E but the past year you've just spent sitting. I mean, you do become lazier... im not trying to scare anyone.
  
I mean, i feel that im scarred from Mando treatment... it feels weird if i go for a walk after lunch.. i always think, i should be resting. its weird to eat dinner at 8pm because i used to eat dinner at 6pm at Mando.
   But then i realise... i dont follow Mandos rules anymore, i make my own choices. I live life the way i want...

But back onto my main topic.... its good to be able to eat sugar and sweet thigns, but its not good to let it become an addiction.

The girl in black


^^Yes, i know i have a whole in my tights... its part of the look!!XD JOKE. i cant be bothered to buy new ones!^^

^^Like my hair style... it looks messy on photo though -_-



I like to do the whole...not looking at the camera thing!! haha

XD

Day 8 What’s in my handbag/purse

Recently i havent been using much of a handbag... really, i hate having a bag with me. I really just want to like take with me mobile (&headphones), money,bus card and keys...
  But lately ive been using a clothbag. And in it i have:


  • Bikini
  • My sports water bottle
  • Towel
  • My purse
  • Hairbrush
  • Ipod
  • Empty cola bottle!!

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Running

After lying in bed all afternoon i suddenly got my energy back, and looking out the window i realised i didnt just want to sit indoors. I felt full of energy and all i wanted to do was run.
  So it was just to put on my running gear, tie my trainers and plug in my music and out i went!!!

it was pretty stuffy though so it got hard to breathe after a while so i had to return home, after a half hours run.
  Not as long as i usually run, but this weather makes it hard ot breathe. So for now i have to stick to running in the evenings or at the gym.
  The only thing im looking forward to in autumn and when it starts getting cold is that its easier to run outside then!! hah... but i love summer best!!

^Îm still stretching so that i can actually look 'good' when i do that move!! haha XD
Who else loves running? Whats your favourite thing about running? Whats your favourite running music!!

 

   
I have two different playlists, one if my 'workout' music and the other is my 'running' playlist!!
   My top 3 running songs are: 
Stronger - Kanye West
Dance, Dance - Fall out Boy
Listomania - Phoenix

^^^Very good songs to listen to when you want that extra energy boost!

Pictures to keep you going!

Lunch for breakfast and breakfast for lunch!

Hmm... is it weird to eat lunch food for breakfast and breakfast food for lunch?? haha

This morning, my breakfast was an omelette with tuna and chickpeas and a salad (lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, avocado)
 
And then for lunch i had yoghurt with almonds, raisins and oats!!! haha

Im a strange girl!!! XD
Today didnt quite turn out as i had thought...
  I didnt really have anything planned today, i thought i would just take it as it comes... but i had a few ideas of what i wanted to do.
 
Last night i couldnt sleep, it was maybe 3/4am by the time i fell asleep, and then woke at 8.30 this morning.... not so much fun with roughly 4 hours sleep. :/
   But i got ready, and did some cleaning in the house, and then went for a long walk with my dog.

By the time i got back to the house, i felt exhausted, so i planted myself on my bed with the computer in my lap and there ive lain watching series and drinking coffee!! haha
  I feel seriously tired, hadnt noticed how tired i felt.

I was thinking about heading to the gym today... but that really wont happen. Maybe a running trip later in the evening... depending on my energy levels and mood.
   I have gotten a few things done on the internet though... so i havent been completly lazy!! Haha... We all need these types of days where we just inside, relaxing and not doing anything!!!
  
I hope everyone has a good saturday!! Is the sun shining where you are?:)

Day 7 My worst habit

My worst habit would have to be biting my nails...  i want to stop. I hate having short, bitten nails... id love to have long nails. :/
 
Another bad habit i have, is degrading and bringing myself down. & never accepting a compliment.
  If someone tells me i look good, my reply is usually, No i really dont. this is awful or that looks bad etc etc... But im starting to just accept. To smile and say thank you, cus i mean if you keep being negative and un-accepting each time someone compliments me, then no one is going to compliment me.
  And then of course, i always bring myself down and degrade myself.
 I cant accept that im good enough as i am, i always have to do better. Im never good enough.... :/
  
But i know others are the same, not everyone... but im sure some of you understand how it is.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Answer

Can i ask you where did you got that scar on your stomach(is it a scar?)?

Its weird that not more people have asked...? haha
  I dont mind answering!!
When i was born i had this blockage in my stomach, which meant that i couldnt take any food/breastmilk. So they had to operate on me (the day after i was born... could actually have died on the operation table.. not because teh procedure was dangerous but because i was newborn... i was born a month early aswell-....)
  So they had to remove the blockage, and it was because of my CF that i had the blockage.

I dont think much about the scar on my belly... haha XD

Im not the girl i used to be.

I was the girl who spent her days counting calories, thinking about food and making food for others.
I was the girl who sat silent with tears running down her cheeks because she was having an anxiety panic attack and didnt know what to do.
 I was the girl who wanted to eat but wouldnt let herself eat.
I was the girl who self harmed to make herself numb.
I was the girl who spent sleepless nights wishing for death.
I was the girl who would rather have jumped off a bridge then eat a bowl of cornflakes and milk.
I was the girl who would spend her days exercising only to end up collapsing from exhaustion.
I was the girl who pretended she was fine when really she was broken inside.
I was the girl who tricked and manipulated people.
I was the girl who wanted to die.

Ive been through so much in my life, in the past year i have completly turned my life around... a 180!!!
   I no longer wish for death each night, i no longer count calories. I no longer think about food and wish that i would let myself eat.
 I no longer self harm to make myself feel numb. I no longer collapse due to exhaustion.
  I no longer force myself to do things that i dont actually want to do.
I no longer get anxiety panic attacks...

My life has changed... i am not the sick anorectisc girl i was....
   Ive surpressed so much.... so many stupid things ive done, so many hurtful things ive said, so much... ive just pushed it aside.
   The same time that i want to forget it, i dont think i can or should... i think that that shoudl be one reason why i never go back. Because i still have my memories of when i was sick, i can have nightmares where i am sick, where i am back as an inpatient at Mando. And those nightmares scare me, and can leave me sleepless the next night scared that ill end up in the same nightmare.
  In my nightmares... im not running from scary monsters... the only monster in my dreams is in my head. Taunting me... scaring me. Bringing back awful memories.
  
Memories can be the worst thing, but sometimes the best. Because even though it hurts to think about what ive gone through, what ive done... it pushes me forward. Makes me realise that even during my hardest days, when it feels like it would be easier to give up... i realise that i never want to go through what ive gone through. And also... what would all my hard work, my recovery have been for if i jump infront of a train now...? I might aswell just have odne that when i was sick...(and i was so close to doing that numerous times while i was sick&very depressed)

Never again thats all i say.


Here i am now!!!



Photo


**Taken by me!!!**
Its pretty isnt it? :)
Im sorry i havent got a chance to write all day... i actually havent been on the computer until now... i.e 22.23??? Where did the fay go...  Completly crazy.
   I got up at 9am this morning and since then its been go.go.go... or more, ive been busy.. i actually havent done so much today!!??

This morning started with sunbathing out in the local nature park with my sister and dog!! But after a little more then an hour i started feeling dizzy, and couldnt handle anymore sun... i get sunstroke very easily, so i have to be careful in the sun.
  So then we returned back home, and after a while decided to head into town to see if there was anything in the sales.... there wasnt much.
  And then we ate lunch at a cosy cafe, where i ate a prawn salad... Nice!!!

And then i met up with D, where we sat at our usual cafe and drank coffee and shared a mango smoothie!

   We then left the cafe only to end up outside another cafe with a cola zero each!! haha.... We didnt feel like sitting inside!!! XD

And then we ended up sitting on a mattress talking about different things that had happened at Mando, different case managers, and all these other things!!! It was so weird when i realised i had gone through so much, it feels like ive tried to push all that away, repress it at the back of my head. And then talking about it, it was strange... im such a different person.... (gonna write about this in another post...)

And then when we got hungry, we were very undecisive but ended up going to Subway where i got a chicken terriyaki sub!! Nice!!! I actually love sandwiches.... sandwiches and salad!! Perfect!

And then we spent another few hours sitting on the matteress just talking and watching different youtube clips... its amazing how the time can pass. From 3pm - 10pm.... How the hell did 7 hours pass without me noticing..?
   7 hours at home feels like eternity..? hah

Its finally the weekend now, not so sure what my plans are... take it as it comes.
  Maybe a trip to the gym this weekend!!
 Other then that... we'll see. Ive got a few ideas, and plans but not so sure what will happen!

Have a good weekend everyone x

Going sunbathing!!

Just after breakfast, and already me and my sister are going out to fry in the sun!! haha.. its like 23degrees or something...Just maybe we'll get some sun this summer? Ahhh... hope i get a bit of tan!!! :)


^^Are you allowed to post those types of pictures online....?? But its my bikini.. so i guess??