Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Thursday, May 31, 2012

feeling slightly homesick

feeling slightly homesick at the moment... but its kind of got to do with the fact that when you're craving chocolate and there is none - nott even chocolate biscuits/hot chocolate or chocolate ice cream - and your far from any shop.... thn you kind of miss civilisation and miss how you could just go to the shop if you wanted to.... -_- i resorted to a pear... which i guess is healthier... but just not the same when youre craving chocolate - for personal reasons!!! XD For my part its good night!!:) ** thank you everyone who commented on my Vlog!!! everytime i logged onto my blog there was a new comment that made me smile!! youre all so wonderful!! i love all of your comments!!:) and now im going to be very cheesy and tell you all to remember that you're all beautiful and remember to smile each day!!!:)

VLOG!!

Ok... i dont really know why i did the VLOG... but i mean, you've all seen me in pictures.. so i mean... its not like you've never seen me before. And ive been thinking about it for a while, and today i was jsut so bored, so i was like... sure why not?
  Dont mind the orange face... the lighting looks weird.. and i know i look kind of awkward and weird...? but this was my first VLOG, and it really ios weird!!  to sit there just staring at a camera.. (or i was jsut staring elsewhere...!! haha)

Leave me a message about what you think, if i shoudl continue doing VLOGS, like i might even try answering questions like that? its alot easier then having to type all the answers out?
  We'll see!!! :D

A few photos!!

Finally got to use my dads computer, so i thought id just throw up a few photos ive taken so far... Mainly me & food!! more intressing ones are sure to come!!  - Ive only been here a day!


Me travelling yesterday!!





Snacks on the bus!





Went for Tapas (spanish) with my dad.
 Egg & potatoe omelette, Meatballs in tomatoe sauce and grilled chicken me and my dad shared..




Went for a 45 minute power walk when i got back :)




My 2 cutie dogs.. they're like 8 & 9.. theyre oldies now!



My night snack: strawberry granola & milk in a cup... (couldnt find bowls??!!)


Breakfst this morning was strawbery granola and milk in a bowl!! haha


I gave my dad his present - if anyone wonders what i actually got him, it was a digital photoframe!! nhe was really happy with that!


Me today!!



And thats my photos so far.. or my photos from my phoen anyway, ive taken a few with my camera, but they'll come whgen im back!! :)

Lunch!

Todays lunch was bread with potatoe salad & salami and salad. & strawberries and cream & coffee for dessert!! :)
   Im not much of alunch person, and dessert isnt really my thing.. btu i mean whatever. You have to be able to eat and not make a fuss... things dont always go the way you want them to!! :)


A break from life.

Good afternoon!! Its nice to be out here in the country... sure im missing the tubes and how close i was to everything. But im not feeling home sick like i usually do when im away.. but i think its cus where im staying, its always been my second home . Before i left i had loads of people telling me to make sure i came home. That i wouldn't stay here... i just kind of laughed... i mean. i love my house. my room. I love Stockholm and Sweden... but b being out here... its another kind of love. its like another life. I love being in a house. Not just a small 3 room apartment... a house. with two floors. I like how many rooms there ar and how many bathrooms!!:) its raining here which sucks... it makes it uncapable of going out.. iat home even in the rain id go out.. i felt i needed to. no matter the weather. But here... im content just sitting in a chair, with a cup of tea in my hand watching the rain falling. i don't feel i need to go out... it might be the fact that i hate rain and its grey outside and just *bLAH!!!* byut also its like just green and trees... i feel close to nature and like o just sitting staring at the rain Staring outside. I don't feel trapped like i usually do when im at home. Im starting to enjoy myself. its like a break from life. Im just relaxing. Eating nice food. taking it easy... im not stressing or worrying. im just taking things as it comes... tgats exactly what i need. i think its going to do me good!! Me and my dad took a trip in the car to rhetorically supermarket where we bought some things for lunch and strawberries and cream!! and pf course i stacked up on my Coke Zero!!! -imme addicted -_- Its my dads birthday today... so ill see what the day brings!!:) Have a good day everyone ;)

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

23.24

good evening everyone!!!:) i feel tired but at the same time not... buyt its been like this for ages now anyway... im tired during the nights but i can't sleep. I just lie in bed watching YouTube or something or other... how has everyone's day been? I guess by all the updates ive made today you know how my day has been? :-) I guess ill just summarize my day as really i have nothing better to do?! :) (Yup im out in the country now!!) Got up 6am to get ready. my mum drove me to the airport and the last thing she said before i went through security was do things right. don't forget to eat and take your medicines. take things easy and don't stress. (i know she's worried that me going to Ireland might trigger things... and as i won't have anyone to talk to... but whatever happens. happens. im not planning to stop eating anyway!!!) Spent a few hours at the airport but atleast D called and kept me entertained!!:) and then it was the 2,5hour plane ride which went well... as imstill alive!!:) i even slept a.little... which i don't usually do on planes. When i gotlanded the first thing after getting my baggage was to buy a redbull and stack up on cereal bars and magazines!!!:) and then thre 3,5 hour bus journey awaited me... it wasn't as bad as i remembered but. that might have been cus i was uncapable of sitting for more then 10 minutes last time i was in Ireland. I even slept some more on the bus... i was completely drowsy when i arrived. My dad came and hugged me and we drove into town where we went to a Spanish restaurant to get something to eat. My dad kept asking if it wa ok... if i didn't want to go there. if it was too much etc etc... i had to keep reassuring him that i ws fine! but its nice that he cares!! we shared a potatoes omelette. meatballs and. grilled chicken. and bread on the side. it was really nice... but afterwards i realized that eating the omelette wasn't such a good idea... like ive said a hundred times... eating egg yolk makes eme feel sick... like really sick. i can eat the egg white which im thankful for.. i love egg whites . but i can't eat the yolk... so i felt like i would puke . also the fact with the meatballs. i don't eat meat. chicken is the only meat o eat... because its the only one i like. so i think suddenly eating cow it might have been a shock to my belly? i don't.know?? This evening i even went for a 45 minute power walk. which felt good especially after being cooped up in these tiny spaces!! and then as i still felt sick from my dinner i decided that i needed to eat something... that usually helps when i get that sick feeling. But i count find any bowls... aso i resorted to strawberry granola and milk in. cup... Haha!!:) Ive taken plenty photos but as im on my mobile i can't upload any... which sucks. but when i get a chance!! and sorry for ll the spelling miatakes!!! :) hope everyone had a good day!! ill write soon x

The day keeps going... each second slowly creeping by.

Exhausted and its only 14.35.... Irish time. In Sweden its 15.35... i just thought id make a little update... as you know im bored. and have free WiFi and don't have much else to say... :) at the moment im sitting on the bus a 3,5hr bus ride awaits me and there's a risk that my phone battery is going to die...-_- ive just after eating my favourite cereal/oat bar ever!! I was addicted to them when i lived to Ireland. and in through end one piece of the oat bar was all i ate in a day... Nature Valley Bars? Ever heard of them?!! They're so good! I would post a picture but my mobile doesn't allow posting pictures? ive had a huge black coffee, a cola Zero and now im going to have a redbull... but still my energy is so low. I guess also the fact that i haven done much... so yeah. Tgats my little update!!:) ohhh sorry about how the posts look. All words tightly packed no pictures and no spaces... tgats just how it is with my mobile... i hope you guys won't stop reading?!:)
Just a little update... if things are going according to plan... which they never really do when it comes to me... but as this is a scheduled post... lets just say that things actually have gone to plan...
   Then im sitting on a plane right now.. on my way to Ireland!! :)

If ihave  internet tonight, i guess i'll post!! Hvae a good day everyone :)

at the airport

coffee in hand. im currently waiting at the airport...!!! bored. bored. bored!! :)

I look like a potatoe with legs...-.- Bread (scones ) always makes me bloat and look huge....i hate it. i feel awful. All i want to do is spend a few hours at the gym... i feel so lazy and fat. I know im going to come back like 5kg heavier... all im going to do is like do nothing and eat crap food.... i don't know. i feel so body conscious recently. and healthy. ive felt good and toned... but now when i don't do shit.. and won't go running or any of that... im worried that ill lose my stamina and that... especially if im eating unhealthy food? i don't know of this is all Ana cus im stressed and nervous at the moment .. but still.... ugggh. Have a good day everyone. Im now on my way to the airport!!^_^ ill write when i can!! x

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

AAnswer

I just got a question and i thought i would answer it before i go to bed - Do you think you eat alot? ok... i don't get why you asked this question? Haha. but my answer: no o don't think i eat aloy.. i eat what i want and what i fancy... some days i eat more some days i eat less!! This was just today... :) im actually gonna ask all of you now... do you think I eat alot?

Food diary!

I havent done a food diary for a while have I?... Here is how ive eaten today!!

Breakfast: Banana yoghurt with raisins and a chopped up apple and cornflakes. & an egg and caviar sandwich and tea.

Lunch: Mozarella and quorn gratang & a little pasta & salad. A crisp bread with butter and an apple afterwards.

Snack: 3 slices of bread with butter and cheese.

Dinner: Chicken & rice & tomatoe sauce.... Yes, bland i know... (the house is sort of empty at the moment... -.-)

Snack: 1 vanilla scone with butter and marmalade & 2 oat and cinnamon scones with butter and maramalde!!

:)

Scones!!

When you're bored out of your mind & restless and hungry, and nothing looks appetizing.. what are you supposed to do!!!
   Be creative and bake/make something!!

I decided on scones!!!
   Vanilla scones, and then i was creative and made a second batch with oats and cinnamon!! Both turned out really good!! :)
   nom. nom. nom!!

I've had 3 with butter nad marmalade!!! XD

At the moment, im so restless... i like cant sit stilll for the past 2 hours ive been bored out of mind and been like jumping around, singing, doing weird karate moves... i even sat for like a full 5 minutes just staring at my Facebook Newsfeed... but that is incredibly boring...
  I like havent done anything active today...  so i feel so restless.. i just want to go running or swimming... but im tired at the same time.. its like.. should i go for a walk, or shouldnt i? But my lazy, tired side says no.... so im just jumping about around inside!!
  I actually wonder if i have like ADHD or something... just to add to my list of problems??!! no.... i dont know :)

Scones are definitely the best... yum. yum. yum!!! :)
  Have a good night everyone :)

Flying to Ireland tomorrow!

I havent really said so much about it.. or maybe i have?!
  But tomorrow im on a flight to Ireland, where i will be spending the week!!! I guess im kind of nervous... i dont know how it will go. Its been almost 2 ytears since i've been there, and the last time iw as there, well i can say it went shit. But i was very sick at the ´time, and it was christmas and very stressful... all round not a nice experience...
   So not sure how it will go. Im alot stronger then i was then, and i know how to cope.. but at the same time.. you never know. I feel strong, but at the same time very fragile, that something could easily push me over the edge?
  So we'll jsut see... ??

I am going to be spending time with my dad, and im there for his birthday!! (he's so old...!!) and im going to head out to where i lived, and spend a few days with my best friend and with my other friends from school.. which i havent seen in almost 3 years... and i was ALOT different back then... cus i was sick, and had pulled myself away!! so we'll see how that goes! haha
  
Yeah... at the moment.. ive given up packing.. its not my thing. Im just like staring at a messy room, things everywhere...?
   They'll sort themselves out though... :)

Not so sure how much i'll be blogging, as i dont know if i will have internet access.. but i think i will!! And i'm gonna make some scheduled posts... So i dont want to see my Stats drop!! and keep commenting!! LOL... Yes, thats an order!!! :P hahah

Alright, i guess its time to get back to packing... -.-

Me at the moment


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Jenna Marbles - how girls pack a suitcase....
   Its just about right!!

Normal school day!!

I dont have so much to say about today... its just been a normal school day!! Its gone surprisingly fast!
   For lunch today.. it was serisouly nice, like im not a big fan of mozarellla (not even on pizza) but today it was a quorn and mozarella gratang.. and it was really nice!!
  After lunch i had my oral maths exam... which went shit.. but i mean, come on.. Oral maths test? who the fuck does that??
   And then it was two more lessons, before it was home time!! yaya!!

Yeah.. that was my day so far... for now.. its packing and cleaning to do..not fun...

Monday, May 28, 2012

Mando calling

Got a call from my case manager at Mando today... Usch. Eww... Go away?
  haha, no i didnt answer.. but she left a message saying that she had been sick and then had her holiday....
  I dont want to go to Mando.. its been like 6t weeks since ive been there. and in these six weeks, alot has happened. I went from losing all my motivation, not knowing what i was doing anymore.. to finding my motivation, and then getting loads of anxiety when i started at the gym... to now liking the way i look... most of the times, and feeling good in myself. And enjoying going to the gym, and knowing that i havent lost or gained weight... whcih feels good.
 
So at the same time that i want to go to Mando and bring up all these hundreds of things i have to say.. i still dont want to go there and be told... you havent gained wieght... tis like yeah, i know.. i cant. And in all honesty, i dont want to either.
  But im not controlling my weight, im not trying to keep myself at this weight.. im actually trying to gain muscle so htat i can reach this stupid, fucking 58kg...
  yeah....

I jsut mailed my case manager and said that i didnt have time to see her tomorrow and then im going to Ireland on Wednesday... hahaha, another week :)
  And then i guess i have to go there... i mean, its not that im scared to go there.. its just that, i dont want to. I hate going there... ??
 
Whatever... :)

The weather affects me.

Good evening everyone!!
I really dont feel much like blogging today..
the weather really affects me... today it is 10 degrees. Its grey, its raining and just horrible weather.
So at the moment, i have a headache and feel tired...
But i know its just the weather affecting me... :/
(Is anyone else like this, where the weather affects them?)¨

Today anyway i finished early in school so i headed into town, looking for a present for my dad...
What are you supposed to get your like 50 year old dad as a present?
***Ideas please!!!****

Without finding anything, i rang D to see if she wanted to meet me,
as im flying to Ireland on Wednesday...
We meet up in town and browsed hte shops a little, but both feeling tired and low on energy,
we headed to a cafe where  we shared a chicken & bulgar salad and drank coffee.
We talked and sat there for a while before headding out into the rainy weather and continued looking in shops.
We even got handed free cinnamon buns & juice!!  - Haha, i never say no to free food!!! XD
(It was some type of gathering protest thing in the middle of town... not jsut some weird person handing out food!! :) )
And then i had to go home, as i have to do the laundry tonight... Fun -.-
I hope eveyrones had a good monday... Back to school?

Usch, i cant wait for summer holidays!!! :D



Sunday, May 27, 2012

Running, swimming and tanning!

Good evening everyone!! :)

Today has been a really good day!!!The sun has been shining all day... and what better to do then to drive out somewhere so you can just swim and tan!!
 Me and my sister decided to take our running gear with us and run a route while we were out there!





The plan was that me & my sister would run together... but after 5 minutes, i realised that i could run alot faster then her, so after making sure it was ok.. i speed up and we ran in our own paces.
I ran 4km in 20 minutes!! Actually proud of myself, it was a good time!!
Me sister came like 15 minutes later.. -.- .. but she doesnt find running fun.. it was more that i was like, yeah we'll run together... felt kinda bad that i had sped ahead of her... but sure, what can you do?

Me and my sister then took our first swim in the water this year!!
The water wasnt cold!! But of course, it still took me roughly 10 minutes to actually get into the water!!! - Im more of a  tanner!!




I had made a pasta salad, with quorn meatballs, tomatoes and spinach to take with us!!
I had also packed boiled eggs, fruit and cookies i made yesterday!!
So we all ate lunch.
And then we just lay in the sun... me trying to bake.. actually get a tan... :)








^^The book im reading!!^^

A really good day.. but i have a migraine from the sun now.. and feeling cold...
But im so glad its summer now!!
Wii-hoo!!
This is gonna be a good summer!!!
Has anyone else swum in the water yet? :) Is it warm where you live?!! Hope youve all had a good weekend!! :)

Just numbers

Ok, this post is a kind of rant...? no i dont know.
  But what i dont get is people trying to be a certain number. a certain weight...
They set a goal, like 50kg... and are like yeah. Thats what im going to weigh. Ill look good then...? But you know what... how ccan you know? Its just a number... ?
  You're not going to loook like all the models on the catwalk, or models in the magazines.. they're photoshopped. they're made to look perfect.
  We're all human beings, we all have the bodies we have... why are we tryingt o change that? Why are we so obsessed and fixated on trying to be a certain weight.
  Weight, is a number. Just like calories... Its like your age...? its the age you are, nothing you can do about. You grow older.. just like your body goes up and down a few kilo.. its normal.
  When you feel fat... nobody else sees that? You can make a list of everything wrong with your body... and no one else will see the flaws, only you... its the same for everybody.

But anyway... i mean, why is everyone fixated with Size 0 ... isnt that getting old now?
   For some people, they can lose 20kg, and you wont notice it.. like some people will never be skinny, if you get what i mean. Everyone has different body shapes.
   And some people will never be fat...  its the way it is.

I mean, theres no point being fixated with your appearance, with  your weight. You should just be happy, feel healthy. Mentally and physically. Ok, its pretty pathetic that I'M writing this.. i mean, after everything i've been through.
  And i still have days where i feel shit.
But im not trying to lose wieght, i dont care about my weight.
What i care about is how i feel.. if i feel good in my body. If i feel mentally good.. that matters.. not the number on the scale.

I jsut wish everyone else would realise that... i wish everyone else could accept themselves for how they are.
  i mean, when i look at others, i always see their beauty. I notice how nice there hair is, or there new shoes, or how good their make up looks.. i always try to compliment people. Because it helps, it does make you feel good when someone compliments you.
  And it feels like not enough people (me included) realise how beautiful we are... we dont see the good things. We just notice the bad thigns in ourselves...
  Why cant we start loving ourselves aswell? we notice good things in others, but only bad things in ourselves? thats not right.

Cant people jsut focus on healthy? Thats all that matters.
  I mean, place 5 different people all with a BMI 20, and i can garuntee you that they wont look the same... because you dont. You can eb similiar... but we're all  unique. We have different body shapes, different height, different weight, Different measurements, etc etc...

But we're beautiful the way we are..
 
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Loreen Eurovision 2012 winner!!

Sweden!!! Wooo!!! What do all of you guys think?!!! Its so cool that Sweden has won!!!! XD
   Loreen - Euphoria. Eurovision 2012 winner!!




Comment on what you guys think!!!