Forget the past

While searching for a bag to use, i found one which was stuffed in the back of our closet.. and while emptying the bag i stumbled across some old documents... my like medical/health journal which my mum got when we moved from Ireland.
  Ive been searching for these documents as i want to read over them... just curious. But my mum was just like, do you really want to do that? its from all the doctors ive seen, all the problems and everything written about me while in the irish psych ward, and treatment for anorexia etc etc
  I wasnt allowed to read the files before and then my mum of course just put them away, she said before, when i mentioned i wanted to read them that if i could find them and really wanted to read them i could.. i mean, its my history, its my medical journal... of course i couldnt find the documents.. until now

Reading over them.... i dont know... its depressing. I wish i hadnt...
   Reading over how all the staff saw me deteriorate...

But i found out information i didnt know.. which im gonna share.

When i first got diagnosed with anorexia, i had a BMI 0f 16,2... and then i started talking to someone, going there once a week.. but of course my anorexia got worse. And  a few weeks later, my weight had dropped to 46,5 and a BMI of 15,3 and then i had one week before i was admitted, and my weight had dropped to 45,3. BMI 14,8.
  And then during my 2 month stay at the kids psych ward, where i had refused to eat.. was on complete bed rest and 24/7 supervision. My weight continued to drop (due to my CF) down to 44,5. And then i was put on NG feeding, which i had for 2 weeks, before i was signed out of the hospital and we moved to Sweden... i thought i had gained like 10kg.. i felt awful. But after reading the journal, i had only gained roughly 1,5 kg... and  had a BMI of 15,6.... i thought i was as fat as a whale.
  They wrote how i was depressed, unresponsive, self harmed, purged, over exercised.... documented every little thing i said... which wasnt much.
  And then when i moved to Sweden, i was threatened by the hospital that if i didnt eat i would have to stay there until i got admitted to some eating clinic and keep having NG feeding, but i promised my mum i would try to eat aslong as i didnt have to have NG feeding again..
  of course the eating didnt go so well, and i continued to lose weight... i was down to 41/42kg when i was admitted to Mando for the first time.. i didnt see why i was admitted,i thought i was so fat... i didnt see myself as underweight.. but with a BMI 13,7 of course i was bloody underweight.
  Anorexia is a terrible illness, it makes you starve yourself to death.... it kills you if you dont get treatment.

I never knew i was so underweight.. all i saw was fat... it was horrible to read.  I had been hiding this demon, anorexia... struggling for 2 years before i was diagnosed with anorexia nervosia.
   I was just a 14 year old girl, tihhking about death, not eating.. when i was admitted to hospital....

I just want to forget my past... rewrite it... its so awful how young people are, having to struggle with an eating disorder.. i was around 12 when i stopped eating llunch, cut out junk food... and then everything else started aswell... 12 years old...  almost all my teenage years have been spent scared, thinking im the fattest person alive, not allowed to eat... not allowed to enjoy myself.

Even though its brought on some weird emotions and feelings reading over the files, i dont think its ever made me so thankful for recovery...
   When i was sick, i never thought it was posible to smile, or to like my body... to live life and eat... to not care about calories, or fat or any of that.
 
But it is possible.... you just have to make it possible.
   You have to fight for it...

I thought gaining weight was the worst thing ever... i had said while in hospital, i would rather die then eat or gain weight.... i was 14 years old, and i would have rather died then eat.... 


Recovery is possible, and its worth it.... Recvoery isnt easy. its the hardest fucking thing ive ever been through... everyday, a constant battle... going against whats in your head, going against routines, doing things your scared of.... but its worth it. to come out the other side with a smile... to live life without being scared.
  To not have panic attacks and anxiety... to enjoy time with family and friends....

You just have to fight... it gets easier. You just have to keep going though...

From reading the journals... ive realised im never going back, never going back to the depressed girl who just thought about calories, weight and death...

Never.