Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Monday, April 30, 2012

Stay at home night

Some how, the day has just passed... its gone so slowly, it felt like the time would never just pass...I've been up since 7, and im incredibly tired... i can feel it in my whole body.
  Like i dont even want to get up from my chair.. Its too much physical movement.. hah, you get how tired i am?
  
My mind is slow, barely awake.
 
It feel like all ive done today is stare at a screen and eat... Kind of awful. Im starting to feel anxious, and kind of irritable... i wish i had gone for a run...  -_-
 
I also had plans to meet a friend... but i cancelled, im just sitting in my pyjamas.. no motivation to leave the house...

Tonight its stay at home night (even though today is like Swedens bonfire night... or whatever i should call it.. like everyone (ok.. not eveyrone) is out by different bonfires....
  but i really dont care. i think its nice to just sit at home on the sofa, to lazy too move. Drinking my Pepsi MAX and nibbling on sweets... i feel incredibly sick though, serisous head ache, and my stomach is cramping and hurts and im swollen as fuckk... or im just really fat... (most probabaly gained like 5kg from everything ive eaten over the weekend.. -_- anxiety thoughts. anxiety thoughts. anxiety thoughts)...





Good night

Thoughts

You know what really bothers me, and is starting to bring me down is that I eat WAY more then anyone else. I know that what i eat is what my body needs, and that i do do alot of activity each day, that is also what my body needs.
  Because of my CF, i need exercise each day (i guess everybody does, but i need exercise i.e running/swimming for my lungs) and i need to eat alot, and alot of high fat foods...
 
But i eat so much and so often.. and the thing is, my body is prgramed to that... so i get hungry at certain times...
  I mean i eat 5-6 times a day, and i can still feel hungry sometimes and take a fruit. While others (ive been studying peoples eating habits... [Is that considered anorexic?!}) and they eat maybe 3-4 times a day.
  I eat a HUGE breakfast, while my family only have like a small bowl of cornfalkes and milk, maybe a banana.

For lunch, well ive realised, i actually eat less then other for lunch... cus im not usually hungry. Idont know.. ive never  been a fan of lunch? and i would mainly go for something healthy - i.e salad/egg white omellette/ soup/ sandwiches.
  But everyone else wants a big cooked lunch, which is good... its just that im not a big fan of that... even though i get cooked lunches at school.

And then i would eat a snack a little while after lunch, and that is usually a big snack... but not everyone else does that? they might take a fruit or something... or something anyway.

And then dinner..and thats a normal serving, maybe another half portion depending on if im hungry or not...
  and then of course i eat a night snack. (Unless we end up having like dinner at 8 or something)

 Uggghh i eat like 2500-3500 calories a day... like calories dont bother me.. but suddenly im thinking.

Shit i eat alot.. all the time?! 
   I mean, i try to eat as healthy as possible... i like to go for protein and oats.. bt i have my days which consist of just like bread (haha)
  I hate how it feels like im always eating, no one else eats this much and the scary thing is that ... i dont think i'd be able to cut back.. or i have my days where i guess i dont eat as much.

But at the moment, ive been gaining weight.. not much.. roughly 1,5kg in like 2-3 months... thats nothing. And its mainly because i have it so easy to lose weight... but now im wondering, some point.. some point i will be 58kg,and ill have a BMI 19... and then what? wont i have to cut back then? not eat as much...
  like i mean, i started eating morebecause i didnt want to drink the supplement drinks... and now my body has gotten used to this amount of food...
  I dont know... at the moment, i feel all panicked in my head...  its an awful feeling..
  eveyrone else seems to be able to eat just a little, and be allowed to diet... but me??? i just have to eat.eat.eat


 And the thing is, i enjoy it... i woudlnt be able to eat less...? an that scares me? how did i survive, how did i cut back and not eat anything? idont get it...

Like, the reaality is that in a year, ive just gone up and down3kg... thats all ive done. ive gained weight and then ive lost it.
   So i mean, what i eat isnt realy making a big difference... at first i drank supplement drinks & my meal plan.. and that didnt really do much. And then over time i dropped the meal plan and then i stopped drinking the supplement drinks... (started losing weight) and then i started eating more... and thats when i was jsut about able to keep my weight.
  And then ofcourse i started jogging and siwmming more, and that resulted in either eating more or drinking a protein shake/supplement drink.

So i can balance my weight... even though it feels like im eating loads,and a normal person would gain weight.. i dont really... or i really have to over eat.
   And i know that when im 58kg.. ill be going to the gym,and im trying to gain these last 3-4kg in muscle (which is hard as i dont go to the gym!!)
  So i will be more active.. and have more energy to do more stuff.. so it most probably will balance out.
Also that when you're a healthy weight.... your body does eveyrthing to staay that weight.. it goes up and down 2kg.. but it takes a helluva lot to start gaining LOADS. and it takes serious exercise and dietiting to start losing loads...
  your body knows when its healthy.. just like it gives you signals when you're hungry and when you're thirsty, tired, want to exercise etc etc....
  you just have to rely on that your body knows.... and thats the most important thing isnt it, that your healthy. both physically and mentally?
  I mean, i havent even gotten my period back? one signal that im not healthy?
 But i guess im just scared to trust my body..

And my head is messing with me..

There are all these articles and eerything out there, saying that if you eat more then 1500 cals (or whatever.. i dont read that shit) you gain weight etc etc.... but its like... thats not true?
   
I mean, trying to gain weight, is just as hard as it is to lose weight.... ? for an anorexic.. maybe at the start they gain weight quickly, because the body has been in starvation mode, and then it suddenly gets food so it wants to preserve it all...

I dont know...  i just feel awful because i eat so much, an at the moment i feel like fat assed slob... hate my body.
 
Hm... iwonder if any of you have read this far? : )
 

Family is family...

Of course, you cant have a family gathering/get together without tension...
  especially when its as big as mine... lots of extensions and new people?! haha

Its awful though, i know none of it is my fault, and i cant fix any of it.. but i still feel guilty... i still feel like i need to do something... i need to get away from all these bad vibes!!
 
Me and my sister are just kinda sitting together, hiding away. Cant deal with whats going on...
   But eveyrone is heading home today, so its just to say our good byes, and then get on with daily routines... :)
I feel fat.. i  cant stand the way i look
   Im such a fucking attention seeker? Yesterday i put out a picture.. where i dont at all look fat... and today i complain that im fat... Errrm..?
  

Usch... but feeling fat sucks... i just want to escape frmo my body. Hide out...
 
Whatever.... i know im not fat... Or do i??!!

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Picnic

Today we've had picnic! :)
   It feels so summery... it feels great to sit in the sun and eat picnic.
There was baguette, chicken, salmon, salad, cream cheese, strawberries, potatoe salad.. really nice!
 
And then there was more cake... a white chocolate and raspberry mousse, which i didnt actually like.. or not the raspbery bit anyway. But the white chocolate bit..

















  3 different cakes in two days???!!! :O - No, thats not normal?!

We all sat there talking for a few hours.

Then we headed back to our house where all of us crammed into our tiny living room and watchd old video clips from when we were younger... safe to say that it was embarrassing and we all laghed so much our cheeks hurt.

I was starting to feel the need for space.... im continuously around people.. i have no time to be on my own. I just have to keep smiling, even though i just want to go sit on my own for a while, close my door and just be on the computer... Anti social? yeah, maybe a little?

Around 8.30pm everyone was talking about going out for dinner, thats when i was just lke No... i dont have the energy for it.
  I feel continuously tired.. all the time recently actually? I dont know why... i think the whole thing of just being around people all the time, doing things.
  Weekends are usually my time to just sit at home, relax.. take it easy. But now its just to be out and do stuff.. new things... ?? Its just taking all my energy.
  And im not sleeping so well either..

And then when they started talking about either ging for like chinese, or Mcdonalds or something... thats when i was like, No... yes, ive eaten more then normal.... and i dont know how comfortable i am with it...
   ?? ugghhh

But my mum understood, she knows that i can get tired easily, and that i shouldnt wear myself out.
   I just sat crying in her arms for a while, and she told me it was ok if i wanted to stay home... aslong as i ate dinner.

I finally have some alone time now.... enjoying the quiteness of the house, enjoying sitting on my bed, alone... :)

Dinner tonight was leftover chicken and potatoe salad !!
 
Its just after 9pm... but im serisouly considering ging to bed....??


Anyway, ive had a good day... tomorrow everyone is flying back.. its sad. But at the same time it feels good.... i feel tired being around everyone. I jsut want some space..??!!

Good nigt everyone, hope everyones had a good weekend!


Cake for lunch!

It was cake for lunch today! ... good thing or a bad thing:? i dont know...

My dad made his famous, much loved cake... which consists of cake base, pear halves, banana and cream.. I love it!! 
  It was so good... 1 and a half helpings!! Sure why not?












Amnt i a great sister?

I woke my sister up with breakfast in bed and gave her her present... I had made her a laptop case!!! :)
  Amnt i nice?!

^^I made the laptop case!^^




Ohhh yes! :)

Todays plans

Picnic in the sun... :)
   Lets see how that goes... haha :)

It will be fun! Hope eveyrone is doing well!!!

I feel like

I should look ten times bigger...?

But no.. i look like this... toned & actually.... kinda skinny?! I like it!




Pictures - April 28th 2012





































Took a coffee break



My delicious cupcake!




This evening