Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

Translate

Saturday, March 31, 2012

No energy

I dont know whats wrong with me.. I have no energy at all.
Im tired. Im cold. Im hungry all the time.


I cancelled plans yesterday because i felt so tired and didnt really want to head out. Even if it was just sitting on the tram and then eating dinner out.
  And today ive cancelled plans with my friend - just going out to get a coffee - i just feel so tired and dont feel at all like heading out.
 
I have a constant head ache, and i have layers of clothes on and wrapped up in blankets, drinking tea.
  And im hungry... and any second im going to fall asleep.

Maybe i've got a cold.. i dont know?

Saturday 31st March 2012












My Day:

Walked through Gamla Stan/old town.
Raspberry cake & vanilla sauce. + Coffee. With my mum & her partner
Looked in shops and trying on shorts

Bought the black top & pink shorts - last 2 pictures.

I'm gonna see if anyone wants to go to the cinema with me... :)
I feel like company.



these 4 walls

Today i feel strange. I feel diffferet. I dont feel like myself.
  I cat put words to how i feel... not happy. not sad. not worried. not stressed.... just... not here?


Its snowing outside, i hate it. I woke this morning and looked outside... it didnt feel good. I felt locked. I felt imprisoned.
   I have to get out. I cant spend all day inside. 
-Strange, when its sunny i feel perfectly fine just sitting infront of the computer, but when it snows... i have to get out?
  
I just put on my jogging gear and out i went... i had argued with my sister... i dont want to get into it. I dont have the energy for it.
  But it left me feeling awful, horrible.... i cant stand family at the moment. I hate my sister... Ok.. i dont want to say anymore. Just safe to say that she brings me down and makes me feel like shit.


It felt good to get out.. it was just me and my dog.. no one else was as stupid as me i guess? haha.. nah, the snow wasnt that bad.

Me and my sister are avoiding each other.. ive tried making conversation.. but she seems to hate me.
 
It feels like i could cry... why do i have to be the strong one? the one who fixes things. The one who smiles through the pain of it all?

Today.. i have no plans. But i CANT be inside... i have to get out of the house. I refuse to just sit here.. even if it means heading into town.. i dont care.
   I cant be alone. I want to spend time with someone, even if its just watching a film or sitting in silence... or talking. I want to talk.. i want to laugh!! Im gonna see if my friend from Mando wants to meet.. not to sure.
  Otherwise im gonna see if i can meet my mum & her partner, go out for cake or something. Sit in a cosy cafe drinking tea and eating cake... Mmmm :)
   
^^Kind of how im feeling^^

Last night i felt it was time to relax, watch a movie and eat popcorn.. Mmm :)
  Me and my sister lay in bed and watched The help. & munched on Micro popcorn!
  Yum :)

Good night.



*Not a good morning*

Answer

Jag undrar bara en liten sak. Varför tar du ur äggulan ur ägget?/ I was just wondering some thing. Why do you remove the yolk from the egg?

Got asked this question yesterday, and thinking about it... taking the yolk from the egg, thats such an anorexic thing, isnt it?
  So if anyone wondered why i take the yolk out, im gonna answer it in a post!
  
Basically, i have it really hard to eat egg. It feels like im gonna puke or faint... and i dont know why. Im not allergic to eggs, i can eat them. But i think im intolerant to them. 
   But then a few weeks back.. i was like craving egg so i decided to have some. But i dont like the yolk in boiled eggs, i only like the yolk when its runny - i.e fried/poached/sunny side up - and then after eating the egg i didnt get any cramps or feel like fainting... so i dont know? i thnk it might be the yolk... ?


 But yes, i know. The white bit of the egg is only protein, and has like no calories... i know that. And i dont have egg sandwiches all the time... my favourite is still cheese!! :)



 Pic_recipe_39_main_large
  
But there is your answer to anyone who wondered :)

Heres me writing about when i ate egg... and i felt sick -> HERE!
HERE <-- Theres a little part

Friday, March 30, 2012

movie night & popcorn

i decided it was time for a movie and some popcorn!! :) good night

Let me tempt you....











This is me.



Dont you hate it when you get up at 6am and only spend 2 hours in school?

Hello!! :)
   Got up at 6am this morning, got ready for school. Only to get at school at 8am, and there is only 3 of us for our french class... so we just end up listeing to french music and we were all to tired to do actually do any work.
 Then for swedish we cotinue watching the film we were watching...  and then i find out that we werent going to have sowing today, we were gonna go to a museum instead.
  But ive gotten huge blisters on my feet from my new shoes... i cant actually walk with them on. So i just went to my teacher and told her that i couldnt follow with to the museum as i couldnt walk. - I spent the monring in school, in just my socks... everyone thought it was quite funny!! haha
 
And then our next class was art, but as i had finished my project i just had a break.. so instead i just went home.. after 2 hours in school.. doing nothing.
   Usch.. why did i even get up at 6am???


I was planning to maybe go for a jog today... but with my huge blisters. and the bad weather. i guess not.
  Its just to put my feet up and start catching up on series!! :)


Thursday, March 29, 2012

You're not fat, just because you eat.

Eating is normal. eating is natural. Never forget that.

Food diary

Breakfast - Banana. Apple. Raisins. with flavoured yoghurt & wholewheat cereal. & 2 slices of bread with chicken and butter.


Snack - A cup of chai tea & milk. An apple, a pear & grapes.

Lunch - 2 sandwiches with egg and caviar.

Snack - A big bowl of strawberry granola with milk & a banana. A cheese sandwich.

Dinner - Pasta & tuna in a tomatoe sauce & salad

 Snack - Rice pudding & strawberries. A cheese sandwich.



Diary

June 2011

Ill make it. I wont have to stay long in HDV (inpatients). Ill get better. Ill get healthy.
Im not a hopeless/helpless case. I can be helped.  just have to accept it and want to be helped. 
Everything will work out well for me.
Ill look pretty. Ill be even more loved. Ill get my life back.
Everything will be ok in HDV. Im strong. I can make it.
  I can fight anorexia and win.
  Ill get my life back, and live it the way i want.
  Not scared of life or living.
  This is a new start

Diary

Sometime April - May

I hate myself. I hate my life. I dont want to live anymore. Im fat. Im ugly. Im a failure. Whats the point of me living? im worthless. Im everything wrong. I cant get better. Im just sick. 
  I cant do anything right. I'll never get healthy again. 
Im just so scared of life. Im jsut going from hospital to hospital until everyone gives up on me.
  You didnt listen to me. You ignored me, you ignored my wishes and prayers, my words.
Forgotten about and ignored, i cant live my life like this. I cant do this anymore.
  Im worthless and horrible, and someone like me shouldnt be alive. Im a hopeless case, i cant be helped. Isnt it better if im just gone then.. if i dissappear.. i dont think anyone would notice.

Whats the point in living?

Sometimes i wonder, Why am i even living?
   It feels like my whole life is routine. Its the same.
I get up each morning, go to school, come home, go on the computer, eat, sleep. Go for walks, study, blog...

But why.... why am i living?


It feels like im waiting... waiting for something. Waiting for my life to get better.
  Tomorrow. Next week. Next month. Next year? 10 years time... when. When will my life change? Will i continue living the same way... some routines. Same schedules.
  Im so bored... i cant actually imagine living my life this way, the same way in 2 years time... doing the same thing?
  I would much rather be dead.


I guess im tired of life, im bored with my life. Waiting for excitment...
 Of course i get it.. i cant just expect better times to come served on a golden platter, you have to make them happen.. but i am. Or im trying anyway....
   But i want to move on now... start something new. Start a new adventure.


423285_3488452807040_1143031219_33427377_1892440654_n_large

ANSWERS part 4

Randoms


1)Favorit mat? 
Sushi. cheese sandwiches. chicken and noodles. Risottot. Tacos!


2)Bästa godis sorten?
   I love like Geisha, or chocolate sweets!! They're the best! 
Natural sweets is best though!


3)Om du fick välja ett land som du fick åka till, vilket land skulle du då välja?/If you could chose a coutry to travel to, which would you chose?
    New york!!! I really want to go there! Or florida.... USA basically!


4)Äpple eller Banan?
   Banana!


5)Mjölk eller Juice?
   Juice!


6)Choklad eller Lakrits?
   Chocolate!


7)do you ever spend hours over computer search food items?
   I used to...  used to spend all my time counting calories and researching food items! but havent in ages... i dont calories, and i dont car about calories.


8)Hair up or down?
  Up.. so much easier


9)Eating at home or out (restaurants)
  This is hard... both are good. I love eating out, but i do love home cooked food! So home made


10)Chocolate or sweets
  chocolate.. Mmm


11)coffee or tea
  Tea


12)partying or night at home
  i love both! it just depends on my mood and on the night!


13)tv or movies?
   Tv series!


14)reading or watching movies?
   Hmmm.... reading! I dont always have the concentration  to watch movies!


15)still water or carbonated water?
   Carbonated - definitely!


16)maths or science?
  Science.. im good at maths.. but its just not as fun as science :)


17)running or sleeping?
  What??! how does this go together??  but sleeping.. i love both.But sleeping is just the best!


18)dog or cat?
  Hate cats.. dogs are best!


19)Kan du ha dagar Var du bara ligger i sängen hela dagn . eller en dag Var du bara gör inget. typ ingen aktivitet ?/ Can you have days where you just lie in bed all day, or where you have no activity at all?
  Yes of course. I can lie in the bed/sofa all day.  :) No problemssss :)


20)What countries have you visited? And your favorite country/city?
   Ireland, Sweden, England, Italy, France, Spain, Finland... thats it. Not alot.
My favourite... i dont know??? none really. I like Sweden though, and France was good!!


21)Whats your biggest insecurity/insecurities?
   I care alot about what others think. And how i look... i always want to live up to expectations.


22)Do you like shopping in vintage stores?
  Not really.. im a high street girl!


23)When was the last time you were suicidal? 
   A long time ago.. i think?


24)Who is your favorite model/models?
  Dunno. Dont care... but thanx for asking!! :)


25)What blogs do you read? What are your favorites?
  I read alot of recovery/ED blogs. Dont really have a favourite


26)Favourite food?
  Sushi. Tacos, chicken & noodles, fruit salad, cheese sandwiches.


27)Favourite dessert?
  chocolate cake & whipped cream...:)


28)favourite ice cream?
   Ben & Jerrys - cookie dough, strawberry cheesecake, half baked, brownie!

29)favourite fruit?
  Strawberries, watermelon, melon!


30)favourite season?
  SUMMER!!! love the warmth!


31)Favourite item of clothing?




Pyjamas!! - tank top & shorts!


32)If you could only eat 1 food for the whole day what would you eat?
  Cheese sandwiches!!!! ^_^


33)What are you most looking foward to?
  SUMMER!!! i would love to travel this summer.. but not to sure what the plans are!!


34)What do you like most about yourself?
   My personality, and how kind/Giving i am... not my looks. or physical appearance.. just my good traits!


35)Which book/film title would sum up your life?  

   Err... i cant actually answer this?!


36)Känner du dg tvingad att blogga?/Do you feel forced to blog?
  Yes somedays... somedays i just want to write everything out.. when i feel crap or when i just feel so good... but when the pageviews and readers start dropping.. thats when i feel i dont want to blog.. thats when it feels like no one cares :'( hahah 


37)Skull du vilja bli en stor bloggare?/Would you like to be a big blogger?
  No. No one famous... i mean, i have roughly 300 - 800 readers a day.. so many people do read.. but i dont think id want to become famous for myblog... it would mean that everyone knows about my anorexia


38)Vilken är den bästa bloggen tycket du?/Which is the best blog do you think?
  I dont know.. i read many different blogs.


39)Vad är din favoritfärg?/ Whats your favourite colour?
  Never had one.. its always been black 


40)Skall du köpa en iPad? /Are you going to buy an Ipad?
  Errmm... how do you know this??? Freaky!! Well i was planning to, as my computer is like 2 seconds away from crashing and falling apart.. but i dont know. I really want an Ipad, but they're so expensive!!! but im thinking more about just a normal MAC, as i need a computer to put all my picures and to be able to do my school work and essays and that.


41)Bor din syster hemma? /Does your sister live at home.
  Yes, un fortunatly!! ahah


42)Hur är din och din systers relation nu? /How is your relationship with your sister?
  Somedays its good.. somedays its bad... it varies with mood and stress!


43)Hur påverkas du av andra bloggare?/Do you get affected by other bloggers?
  Not really, i read many other blogs about anroexia and EDs, and i dont get affected by them. Thinspo i get affected and what i hate MOST is the girls who are sick and are tryingt o lose weight and they pep others to lose weight... i.e thinspo... ughh.. i could scream. I always just want to write on their blogs and tell them how stupid they are... i never do of course... as that wouldnt help their self esteem...


44)What's your favourite sandwich topping?:)
   Butter and cheese.... its just the best! but butter and chicken is my second favourite i think!! :)

ANSWERS part 3

Family/Future related questions


1)what do you see yourself doing in the future?
   Well i want to be a journalist, run my own magazine... i plan to write to change the world!! aha.. thats my slogan already!! :) So i have very high ambitions & goals. So my plan of course is to finish studying, finish my education and im planning on travelling quite a bit aswell!!

2)do you have a good relationship wtih your family? 
   Yes i do... i mean i have my days where i argue or hate them.. but thats normal.We have a good relationship... up & down!

3)Vad vill du jobba med när du blir stor? / What do you want t work with when you're older?
  I want to be a journalist!! :)


4)What are you plans for the summer 2012?
  Hmm... no plans yet.. to be declared healthy, i want to travel somewhere warm as well. Otherwise just take it easy, have fun!!! We'll see :)


5)Do you trust people easily?
  Hmm, i dont know really. When i was sick, i had trust issues... mainly because i thought eveyrone was against me.. wanted to make me fat. and i couldnt talk to anyone... but thats better now. Im better at opening up. But trust... i dont know. ??


6)How would you describe your personality? 

  I think im a bit Bi-polar in all honesty!! haha... no, im just a teenager! I can be very hyper & happy and laughing all the time, but i have days where i just sit in silence, staring & thinking.. not communicating.
  But in general im quite happy, talk alot and am bubbly!! :)

ANSWERS part 2

Anorexia/ED related questions



1)Do you smoke or did you smoke when you were anorexic?
 No. Never have, never will... even though i have thought about especially while i was at Mando when i realised that the people who smoked got  to go out more often...

2)When did you last had an "anorexic day" ?
  Hmmm... not in the last week or two, as ive been keeping up a good eating pattern. Sure, i havent felt great everyday... but i havent restricted if thats what you mean :)


3)How do you deal with the anorexic thoughts?
  Its hard... i try not to act on them.. i.e iif ana says to just eat an apple in stead of the yoghurt & muslie i should eat. Then i of course eat the yoghurt and muslie... its not easy all the time. But i just do the opposite of what Ana says...
  But dealing with them... if its anxiety, then i try to entertain myself with something. I love writing, or studying... even cleaning helps to not think so much. and then the thoughts usually pass. THey dont last as long as theydid when i was sicker. :)


4)Whats your favorite bodypart of yourself?
   I want to be positive... and say some part... but it just feels like i could critisize every part of my body. Write 2 whole pages full of what i hate about my body and whats wrong with it... but trying to be positive instead of negative.... i suppose my arms... i would like more muscles on my arm... but sure. They're not flabby.


5)Do you have/had problems with sleeping?
  Yes, while i was sick i had insomnia. only got 2-4 hours sleep. Sometimes it was due to the fact that i wuldnt let myself sleep or that i had drunk too much coffee. I never got sleeping pills as i never told anyone i couldnt sleep. But my mum knew, but i had so many medicines anyway, and she knew i wouldt take sleeping pills anyway. 
  I have periods when im stressed and then i dont sleep so well... but not so often and it usually passes when the stress passes, or the worry/anxiety.

6)When was the last time you cried and why?
  I dont cry often, but i cried on Tuesday, while in school... i dont know why. I had a migraine and i was tired and didnt feel welll and i was pissed off with all the teachers in my school... i ended up just sitting in the bathroom crying for some reason... not knowing why?


7)What do you think of overweight people like when you see them on the street or something?
   I dont know really... i dont think much about it. Just glad i dont look like that... i guess. ???


8)Have you gotten your period back? 
   I did get it back in October 2011, for like 3 days... but then i ended up losing weight again.. like 1-2kg... and i havent really gained that back?? so no i havent had it in 3 years.


9)what BMI do you have to be to be healthy?
   Minimum19... ofcourse they would like me to get to 20 or something... but that would take forever in my case.


10)are you vegetarian? some days you eat chiciken but otherwise you only eat fish and quorn products? 
  No, im not vegetarian. My mum and sister are though. But im not a big meat eater... i do like chicken and turkey though!! Duck aswell.. but i dont eat that often.
  I eat fish & quorn products!


11)why dont you eat other meat? 
  dont like it... i only like bird!!! chiciken, duck, turkey... Or stew... i like stew Mmmmmmmmm


12)did you have to eat meat at Mando.
   Yes, everyone has to. It was.... i dont know. I didnt like it. i dont eat alot of meat.


13)are you allowed to eat quorn products?
   While an inpatient, No. And i never really told the staff while i was in day patients. But my case manager knows i eat quorn proucts.. she just reccommends that i eat more. but i mean, she cant do anything about it anyway.


14)Was there any vegans in Mando? What they ate, obviously they diddnt eat any animal products? Have you heard what they do with the vegans in ED centres?
  Yeah, i guess there was. But you're not allowed to be vegan at Mando. And at Mando, you have to eat meat even if you're vegetarian. I knew a few who hadnt eat meat in years, and one who had never in her life eaten meat... yet. She had to. 
  If you dont eat meat, to suddenly having to eat meat everyday... its a shock and not everyone likes it.
  Im not to sure how it is in other ED centres... but at Mando you have to eat meat.


15)You said that you used to over exercise, what and how much did you used to do?
  I used to go for an hours walk eveyr day or every second day. i played basketball 3 times a week. + matches maybe twice a week aswell. I did P.E 2 times a week. and then we had a trainging bike & training ball which i used to use usually everyday.


 16)how much do you do now?
Now a days... well... swimming when i feel like it...once a week or once eveyr 2 weeks. Go for a 30 minute jog 1-3 times a week. And go for a walk a few times a week with my dog. And thats about it :)


17)do you ever wan to over exercise? 

  Over exercise??? No... not the way i used to. Sure i want to start going to the gym, but i think what i do at the moment is just right.It fits me, and i enjoy jogging and going swimming. Im not forcing myself to do exercise everyday. I do it when i feel like it!

18)Do you compare yourself to others? 
  Yes.. i dont know who doesnt? I look at others and always think that they look good.. while me on the other hand there is always something wrong with...


19)what do you think of other peoples bodies.. i.e if you see someone normal weight what do you think?if you see somone over weight. If you see somone toned & fit & musculer?
  This is hard... everyone looks so different.different weight, different height, different bodyshapes. Sure, i get jealous when i see people who are toned and musculer.. thats how i want to look. People who are over weight... well, im glad i dont look like that. some people who are overweight.. well yeah, i can get repulsed.
  Normal weight... i dont know? i mean.. 'normal' you can be toned and fit and be normal. Or you can have fat all over your body and be normal.... 
  And id much prefer to be fit and toned.


20)do you like your body? 
   Somedays i do.. somedays i dont.


21)if you were allowed would you go down to your lowest weight again? 
  I really dont know... i think id want to go down to 50kg... like BMI 16... which of course sounds awful, sounds anorexic... 
   but i dont think i would.... but if i was allowed, and i wouldnt get mental problems or health problems then id go down to BMI 16... but not to my lowest.. god no. i didnt even look good then.. i looked awful


22)did you like the way you looked when you were skinniest?
  Nope. When i weighed the lowest, i was so sick that i still saw myself as fat, and now when i see the photos i realise how then i actually was...


23)do you have any problem eating junk food?
  haha.. no. Yes, if i eat too much then i can get a bit of anxiety. or i can feel a bit swollen. But no, im fine eating junk food.. not all the time. Not everyday of course!

24)How often do you eat junk food?-i.e chocolate. crisps. ice cream 

   Depends... some times it can be maybe 4 times a week. Sometimes i only have once or twice in a whole month... it varies! A balanced diet!

25)Did you find it hard to be social when you were sick?
  Yes of course, i would have preferred to just stand in a dark room by myself all day. Hated people. They just got in the way.... i wanted to be on m own, do my own thing.


26)Do you believe in having a goal weight?
   Yes & no. I dont believe in BMI... i think its a load of shit... i think that you should be able to decide yourself when you're healthy. When you feel mentally & physically healthy. When you like what you see in the mirror and feel good about yourself, when you have the energy for life... thats healthy.
  You find the balance yourself... not a number that a doctor tells you...
Thats my opinion though!


27)What's the things that kept you fighting?
   My dog... when i didnt have the strength to keep fighting. Not for my sake, not for my familys sake... i kept strong for my dogs sake.. haha
  of course i did try to kill myself a few times, and i still self harmed... & never wanted to recover.. but when i felt that enough was enough and i just wantd to jump infront of a train... thats when i thought about my dog.. and how much id miss her. And that i didnt think anyone would care for her... strangely enough, it is only me who like takes care of my dog??!


28)Did you ever read any recovery books?
   No..  started one. But i didnt have the concentration to read it... i tried.


29)Saknar du någon patient från Mando?
   I never had great contact with many from Mando. But some yeah... you lose contact though.. sometimes i can find myself just sitting and thinking about some patients, wondering how its going for them and all that... :)


30)Skulle du våga äta pizza varje dag till lunch och middag i en hel vecka? Och skulle du anta utmaningen om jag också gjorde det? :) /Would you eat pizza everyday to lunch and dinner for a whole week? and would you try the challenge if i did aswell.

  Hmmmm :) If we're talking about a whole pizza twice a day, then no.. i wouldnt do that. I amnt a huge fan of pizza... its only sometimes i feel i want to eat pizza.. not so often.
  But i mean a half pizza for lunch and a half pizza for dinner yea, sure. But not everyday.. i dont think thats healthy.
  But i suppose if it was a whole pizza a day..... yeah maybe. Of course id much prefer home made pizza!
But i would try it!! Why not?? :)

everything feels wrong

everything feels awful.... hate this. hate myself. hate my life.

Breakfast



Breakfast - banana, apple, raisins & yoghurt and this wholewheat cereal.
2 slices of bread with butter and chicken (but theres only one in the pictures. but i did have 2!)



Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Evening spent with a friend

A good evening after an ok day!
   Arent friends the best thing? 
After dinner i headed to my friend D - from Mando - where we went to Waynes cofffee and sat talking for an hour and a half and then walkd the 2 minute distance back to her apartment and sat there for an hour talking.Its nice to have someone understand!
  It was a really nice evening... and it was nice to not just spend it alone at home. To get out... to not just sit at home feeling shit! haha.. nah, i dont feel that bad!
  It also feels good to not have any homework or studying to do!!!! to be able to take a niht off and not worry! :)

But then of course my mum rang worried wondering where i was... and reminding me i have school tomorrow... usch, such a  buzz kill.
  But i took a taxi home (special taxi!!!) and im now sitting at home eating a late night snack - porridge, marmelade & milk!!! -
 
Not feeling tired.. might be due to all the coffee ive & energy drinks ive drank today!! We'll see if i get any sleep tonight?

Not to sure if ill go to schoool tomorrow or not... - special circumstance & reasons... we'll see :)


Somtimes i wish i had anorexias control - it feels like i just eat. I dont have the control to say no.
Sometimes i wish that i didnt feel pain. That i was numb.
Somtimes i wish that i could keep silent, i didnt have to tell everyone when i was upset or when something was bothering me. I could keep my problems to myself.
 Somtimes i wish  i felt good in my body.
Sometimes i wish that nobody cared, that everybody gave up on me.
Sometimes i wish that i could just forget.
Sometimes i wish that i was that dpressed, unhappy, suicidal, anorexic girl... that was barely holding on. 
  


`Wednesday - 28/3/2012

Wednesday.. middle of the week. Extremly tired.
  Today ive been tired and walking around the school freezing. i feel like ive been in my own world, just sitting there and staring.
  Lunch  today was AWFUL. i barely ate anything.. leaving me feeling hungry and low on energy. :/
  Its been an okej day, only had 1 lesson today - History.
But ive had two tests... Maths this morning.. which im pretty sure it went well. So im not worried. And then in the afternoon we had our swim test.
 
The swim test went well i passed. 250 meters.. it went really well. I wasnt even tired.. Im in good condition!! healthy! :) Everyone was like collapsing on the ground and could hardly breathe, while all i wanted to do was contnue swimming!! haha.. wasnt tired :)

   And then we had to do life saving, which went well... but i couldnt manage to bring the 30kg doll up... i couldnt breathe when i dived down, the pressure was to much on my lungs... but otherwise it went well!!
 We spent some time going down the slides, and then i went back to swimming some laps... might as well?
And then i had enough and went home...with the raining pouring down.


While changing everyone kept telling me i was so skinny.. just bones. I didnt believe them.... i kept looking at everyone elses body... and i felt horrible. Some of the other girls were fit and had muscles, were tanned, had belly rings.. while me.. I felt like a huge white whale. but everyone kept telling me i had muscles and they could see my abs?? Hmmm where?
   I can also say that im now 54kg... not on the 52/53 - almost back to day patients weight. So that feels really good actually, no anxiety. Just 4kg more...
  Of course in summer, 2011.. i was 55/56kg.. so i mean... i am lss then i have been?

Also today, one of the girls in my class i saw self harms... Badly. she was covered in red scars... she tried to stay under her towel... but i mean she was wearing a bikini and she had to swim.
  I felt sorry for her.. but it did almost trigger something in me... i cant explain it.... Theres just something about the scars... i cant explain it.

Anyway... i broke my No sugar free drinks thing..
  Before we went swimming me and a few of the others bought something to eat, me going for a vanilla heart and because i wanted something to drink... an energy drink. I got pepsi Max. there was no normal pepsi or coke in a can.. just the bottle. I was thinking about going for a redbull...
   Hmm.. ive missed it. It was good!!!



^^usch.. my legs look awful^^