
How do i want my life to be?

I dont know where i am, who i am... what i'm doing.
I feel lost, like a little girl.
I just want this all to be over.
I dont know what i feel, what im thinking?
I feel empty... as if im a shell. With a smile plastered onto my face?
Can you be truthful to others when all your doing is lying to yourself?
What is the truth?
I feel so far from myself that i dont even know what the truth is, and what the lies are?
I dont tell lies... I cant. I stutter, i shake, i laugh, i scream... I cant lie.
Its just that... you didnt ask.
My life is a mess... i wonder sometimes, am i even alive? is this me.... or am i just barely surviving.
Getting up each day, doing what i have to and then falling back into bed at night, wondering what i actually did that day? how i managed to survive another day?
Where are my hopes, where are my dreams?
Where am I?
If you could see into my head, all you would see is a tumble of thoughts, happy memories, dark suicidal clouds, thoughts... but no dreams, no goals, no life....
I want this nightmare to be over... where are the happy times? This smile... its just teeth, no emotion.
I wonder sometimes, why am i even alive? im just living.
I cant be an inspiration. I cant be someone to look up to.
Im just a girl. A girl who is fighting, a girl who is trying to be strong. But sometimes we all fall, how long are you expected to breathe without air?
I dont even know if i've fallen or not.. i just know that im not in the same place i was before.
I'm not healthy... but i wouldnt call myself sick either? Im in between...
i have to make a choice, one which im avoiding. one which is too hard.
But what is so hard about the choice? isnt it obvious?

But when you've been sick for so long... you dont know whats wrong and whats right... sometimes you can tell what is anorexia and what is you.