sometimes i just wish this nightmare would be over

Sometimes i wonder how will my life be in 10 years time?.
  What will i be doing? Will i be healthy? Will i still be stuck in this half place. Where i dont know if im healthy or sick?

How do i want my life to be?
 
I dont know where i am, who i am... what i'm doing.
  I feel lost, like a little girl. 


I just want this all to be over.
  I dont know what i feel, what im thinking?
 
I feel empty... as if im a shell. With a smile plastered onto my face?

Can you be truthful to others when all your doing is lying to yourself?

What is the truth?
  I feel so far from myself that i dont even know what the truth is, and what the lies are?
I dont tell lies... I cant. I stutter, i shake, i laugh, i scream... I cant lie.
Its just that... you didnt ask.


My life is a mess... i wonder sometimes, am i even alive? is this me.... or am i just barely surviving.
  Getting up each day, doing what i have to and then falling back into bed at night, wondering what i actually did that day? how i managed to survive another day?


Where are my hopes, where are my dreams?
  Where am I?


If you could see into my head, all you would see is a tumble of thoughts, happy memories, dark suicidal clouds, thoughts... but no dreams, no goals, no life....

I want this nightmare to be over... where are the happy times? This smile... its just teeth, no emotion.

I wonder sometimes, why am i even alive? im just living.

I cant be an inspiration. I cant be someone to look up to. 
  
Im just a girl. A girl who is fighting, a girl who is trying to be strong. But sometimes we all fall, how long are you expected to breathe without air?
  
I dont even know if i've fallen or not.. i just know that im not in the same place i was before. 
  I'm not healthy... but i wouldnt call myself sick either? Im in between... 
i have to make a choice, one which im avoiding. one which is too hard.
But what is so hard about the choice? isnt it obvious?

But when you've been sick for so long... you dont know whats wrong and whats right... sometimes you can tell what is anorexia and what is you.
 

Coke

Okay... this would sound and look stupid to a normal person. But as i wrote yesterday saying that i was giving up diet drinks, and i had an anonymous comment and wonder why i didnt drink normal soda. Mainly because i dont like the taste of it... but maybe thats just Ana? Maybe i am scared of the sugar?
  Bt anyway.. i dont think i should be labelled 'sick' just because i dont drink normal coke.

But anyway.... then anonymous said that i should just go and buy a normal coke.... and well i did.
  Hahah.. don get the wrong impression.. i dont just do what people tell me to do i.e you tell me to jump. I'm not gonna jump!


But a few days ago, i had this arguement/discussion with my mum when she was telling me about artifical sweetners, and she was like... why dont you just drink normal coke. You cant be healthy if you cant do that? (I have before.. like once or twice?!)

So we bought a big coca cola... and i was gonna prove to my mum & sister that i can drink it, that i dont get anxiety from it... its just that i chose not to.


Hahah.. it seems lame right? :) And it might seem like im going on and on about it... and thats just what an anorexic would do.. but it bothers me... it bothers me that others care so much.. and then that I get bothered because everyone gives a damn???!!


Anyway...  

I feel really pathetic right now... as in.. Why do i need to prove that i can? does it make me healthy just because i can drink coca cola?

Does it make me healthy because i can eat pizza?

Healthy should be, eating healthily (i.e fruit, vegetables, dairy, carbs, protein, fat) exercising (but not overexercising) having a healthy mind. A good balance of work, fun and sleep.

Drinking water... Thats what should be healthy.

Not that a recovering anorexic can drink normal soda?

Usschh fuck this.

Of ourse.. you're most probably all laughing at me...

but whatever.

My mum was happy... which is weird.. 

Is your mum happy when you drink normal soda?

Oh gosh my life is fucked up.

Ohh BTW... im not promoting drinking cola!!!! :)

Mando tomorrow.
  No idea how it will go... uugghhh fuck.fuck.fuck.


I dont want to. I've definitely not gained weight.. i might have lost, and im worried about the consequences!? :O

I also have the CF clinic, so that will be more doctors and blood tests... its gonna be a long day.

But my mum is talking about meeting up in town afterwards... so that might brighten my day? :)

Day 10 - songs you listen to when you are happy, sad or bored

I'm surprised that i've actually kept this challenge going!! :)

Hmm.. when im happy i listen to the killers, 2 door cinema club, the script, arctic monkeys









Bored - Well... everythinug really.. the charts maybe? :)

Sad -  Linkin park, evanescence, supechick, barlow girl etc etc









I listen to pretty much everything though... :)

Its not every Wednesday you buy 6 bars chocolate! :)

Today was spent in the forest!! haha - Tree huggers! :)


After a morning spent infront of the computer, getting some things done. And talking to my sister while munching on sandwiches and popcorn, the 3 amigos (Me, my mum & my sister.... the dog aswell!!) Drove out to the forest where we would take a refreshing walk.
 
The sun was shining, and it finally feels like spring!! *Sigh of relief*
  But the trail that we took was still covered in ice and snow,  so i was regretting my shoe choice.. but i managed without falling!!
  We stopped after a while to take a coffee break ad eat oranges, and then we returned to walking.

We spent almost 2 hours out, and the trail seemed to be never ending. up and down hill, this way & that.
  Not so much fun in all hoensty... but a bit of exercise i suppose!


On the way home we stopped in the shop, and there they had special price on the chocolate.. and well, 3 women & all these different chocolate flavours.
  It was hard to just chose 2 different flavours.. we all wanted different. So in the end.. we bought 6 chocolate bars. = 1 kg chocolate!!! hahahha!!! :)


I chose the special edition Marabou which i have always wanted to taste!!! Since like last year!!
 
There was one post back in 2010 when i wrote all the marabou flavours (Definitely my favourite chocolate!) READ.The funny thing is... i am reading back over the post, 2 years later and saying... ive tried all those flavours.. and yum. i love and enjoy chocolate! :)

And there was THIS post where i was saying how i wanted to try all the marabou special editions.. but i wasnt ready for it!! :)
  Ive tried all of them, apart from the vinter vit & Mango... as i missed those special editions.
   
God.. im glad i can eat chocolate!! :)

So i choose Blueberry milk & cookies and cream.

And then we bought, digestive, hazelnut, orange & this new flavour - licorice!!! :)

  

So we're fully stacked with chocolate!!! :)

That was just a little about my day, if anyone was intrested!!

And to all of you... chocolate really isnt that bad.. its not gonna make you fat just cus you eat a little here and there... dont be scared!!! :)

30 things to stop doing to yourself.

I read this article and thought it was really good!! :)

30 things to stop doing to yourself

Taco Tuesday

It was my idea to make tacos tonight!! Mmm... definitely one of my favourite foods!! :) If i could live on 3 things, it would be sushi, tacos & cereal with milk(actually if i was allowed i would eat cereal & milk for lunch & dinner... XD )!!  haha

Well... safe to say... Dinner was nice!! Mmmmm :)

09 - Something your're proud of the past few days

Hmm.. this is hard.
 But i think... My self confidence.
In these past few weeks, i've done things which i've been scared and worried about... before Ana held me back from doing things, going against Ana. I felt worried and nervous about everything. Anything new, so i wouldnt do anything out of my comfort zone. I wouldnt try new things, i wouldnt do new things.
 I would keep quiet...

But now, like with work experience... it was me who demanded to work at the newspaper.. haha. And i sorted out work experience down at the local food store.  And then on the day, even though i felt nervous and scared... i just went there and got on with it.
  While sick... well, i would have just stayed in bed, not bothered with work experience, because it was new and different.
 
And like going swimming on my own (ok thats been for a while now) and going to the gym yesterday.
   Even my mum has said how shes noticed that im coming out of my shell. Im doing things that im scared of, new things.
  Im taking charge, and im opening up more.

Im saying how im feeling, and what i want. If i dont think something is right then i say it... i'm not going to be made to do something, i dont think is right.
  Of course, pushing boundaries and going against your comfort zone is good sometimes, but its not the same as what i think is right, and wrong.

Of course my self esteem is still pretty shit... i mean, i can still hate tthe way i look... but its getting better. Im trying to stop caring so much about the way i look or what others think of me.

Somedays you just need to do nothing

Today is going to be spent doing nothing.
  Finishing some essays and doing some studying, but otherwise.... just lying on my bed and watching some series or something.
  I can feel it in my muscles from yesterday. And i just feel to tired to do anything else then just watch  a screen.. hah :)

Lent

Ok, i'm a bit late on this whole lent thing. - A week late actually.
  I dont really care about it.. or i mean, the past few years, i said i gave up junk food... just to have a reason why i didnt eat it. But i didnt eat much food anyway.

But i mean now... well i cant give up food, i cant start exercising more, i get good grades, and i do chores in the house... so i mean, there wasnt much i could give up or start.
  Not that it mattered really...

But yesterday, after reading about artifical sweetners i've decided to give up diet/sugar free drinks. As you may know... im pretty addicted to them.. :O
  And my mum and sister are always going on about how really, they're just as bad as normal soda. All the artifical sweetners, i was just like.. fuck it. I like them.

But i got a bit of a shock while reading about them, and i admit... i've already got some symptoms of the affect of sweetners.
 
I actually find that yes... i do feel as if i crave something sweet, or i feel hungry after drinking Pepsi MAX, and i can get really bad headaches if i dont drink it, or go with out it... and bladder problems.. well i feel like im 80 years old.
  And they can even lead to cancer/tumours...

Yeah... i dont really fancy artificial sweetners anymore.
  
iF YOU'RE ADDICTED TO DIET SODAS... PLEASE READ THE LINK -> GO HERE!

So, i dcided to go the whole of lent without a sugar free soda... ahh... im already craving Pepsi MAX. :/
But i know its for the best... more water & carbonated water in my diet. Cus i've been replacing Pepsi MAX with water which  isnt good.


And after lent... well im hoping i've kicked this horrible addiction... :)
   If you're also addicted... please join me & stop drinking them.. its for the best :)

Im gonna calculate how much money i save aswell.

Each time i want to go buy some sugar free soda (Like all the time.) im gonna put aside the money i would have spent.. and then at the end of lent, spend the money on something better!! :)