Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy New Year!

last 2012 picture :)


What you can and cant eat.

I am so tired of reading about all these articles about what you can and cant eat. or... what you should and shouldnt eat.


Seriously... hasnt everyone learnt by now that, everything is ok in moderation? Balance.  You shouldnt eliminate a food group, as it will end up with consequences. I mean by not eating carbohydrates you will end up craving them and can end up binging. And your body needs healthy fat like nuts, salmon, avocado and olive oil. They are good for your body, but of course there is the whole, you shouldnt eat fats? Er....?

I dont get bothered any more when people talk about dieting or wanting to lose weight, i am happy with the way i look. So it doesnt matter to me if people start complaining about their weight. I know i am healthy and i look good. And if i really want to change my body, then i know i can. Of course, i do want to build a bit more muscle which im slowly but surely working on :) But im not trying to lose weight.
  Though i know that when you are recovering, or even just normal people. It can be triggering to read about 'how to lose weight.' 'food you shouldnt eat' 'diets' etc. 
  I mean, they can be good for people who do need to lose weight, or maybe dont know so much about nutrition.
 
But i mean, there are people who are normal or underweight and dont need to lose weight. And those articles can be triggering.
   Of course i guess you can chose whether to read them or not, but the fact is that those types of articles are almost in every magazine/newspaper.
   Some articles you read and they tell you its ok to eat chocolate and pizza and all that. Others tell you that all you should eat is protein and veg?
   you get confused and get mixed messages.

I am someone who knows alot about nutrition and healthy eating and exercise. And i can tell you that the best diet, or way to eat is to eat in moderation and balance. Its ok to eat a bit of everything. I mean, dont tell yourself no, you are absaloutly not alloewd chocolate. Because that will backfire and you will end up craving chocolate like crazy and can end up binging on it...
   Of course, you dont have to eat chocolate everyday, as that isnt healthy either.

For some people it works best to eat 6 small meals a day, others prefer 3 or 4. But find the balance which works best for you. And remember to eat fruit and veggies, but dont forget healthy fats, carbohydrates and protein and dairy as well!!!
   And of course, a sweet treat every now and then as it is good for the soul!!! I mean you dont have to eat unhealthy or something sweet everyday, but now and again is ok :)
  I mean sometimes all you really want is fries :) And then its ok to let yourself have some fries. Its not going to kill you, and its not going to make you gain weight either!!!

Everything in moderation is ok :)

New Years

   
 
Good Morning Beautifuls :) How is everyone?

Me: Im good!! Last night me and D sat and 'watched' (i.e chatted and tumblr'd) 'The perks of being a wallflower'. Everyone had said it was really good, but I didn't think it was that great... it was kinda long and boring. But I guess that's just my opinion? It might be the fact tthat I wasn't really concentrating on the film?

I didn't fall asleep until 2am or something, and then of course... my body alarm clock makes me wake up at 8am? Im wondering how I will manage to be up all day?
  
We're not fully sure what we will be doing tonight, whether we meet up my sister and her friends and head into town. Or we just stay here or whatever. But we're planning to have some drinks and get ready anyway!! :) So hopefully a good night? Im hoping. I need a good night to finish this pretty shitty year!! haha XD
  
And there is a second part of my 2012 look back...  but I guess its going to have to come tomorrow or something as I didn't get time to finish it...

I hope you all have a great day everyone and havea  great night :) And remember... Tomorrow is a new year... so make it count!! Start off fresh and new!! And give it all :) Whether its recovery, or you want to start a fit/healthy life or start running more or better grades or a better job?  Just go for it!!! :)

You are all beautiful, never forget that!!!!

^^Last year (New Years!)
 
 

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Lonliness.

Hey there :)
   How is everyone? :) Tomorrow its the  31st of December, last day of  2012!! Crazy right!! The year has gone by so fast :)
   Today my parents and my dog headed out to the cottage where they will be spending New Years as Daisy (my dog) gets really scared of the fireworks.
 
Usually I love when they leave as I don't mind being on my own. I quite like it. But today I felt very lonely. It felt empty in the house and I felt upset, I didn't want to be on my own.
   I entertained myself by baking loads of healthy goodies!!! :) I love baking healthy!!!! :)

But then D called and we chatted for more than an hour or something, and we both felt lonely and tired.
  So we decided that D should come over and stay at my place!!

Its nice that we live so close... c.a 15 minutes :)

Tonight we're just gonna watch a film or something. Plan tomorrow... see what we do. Whether we go out or stay home or go to town or whatever!!! :)

SAD

Im starting to think that i might have SAD - Seasonal affective disorder.

The past 6 months ive realised that i am very weather sensitive. I dont let the weather stop me from doing things (i.e if its raining, i would still go to town if i had planned to), but it does seem to affect my mood.
  If its raining, i can feel very down and sad. But once the sky is blue and there is a hint of sun, i begin to feel better. Im not even going to start on how i feel when there is hail, or a snowstorm, or its thunder or lightening. Then i might aswell just lie in bed all day?
   This past year, i generally havent felt that good, mentally. But i mean, in summer i felt ok. Happy and good like 70% of the time? And the weather was ok.... not as sunny as it usually is during summer. But there was sun anyway!!!
  But now in winter, my mood has plumeted downwards.... of course i have been stressed with school and alot of other things, and there is no surprise that i am not very good at coping with stress. But still...
 
Of course, there is research and its shown that Sweden (and other noridc countries) havea  very high depression & suicidal rate during winter as it gets so cold and dark.... Im just hoping that im not going to feel suicidal and depressed each winter? (Then im moving somewhere where it is warm all year round!)

Here is information about SAD from wikipedia.

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), also known as winter depressionwinter bluessummer depressionsummer blues, or seasonal depression, is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter or summer,[1] spring or autumn year after year.

 "some people experience a serious mood change when the seasons change. They may sleep too much, have little energy, and may also feel depressed. Though symptoms can be severe, they usually clear up."[4] The condition in the summer can include heightened anxiety.[5]

Other symptoms include a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating on or completing tasks, and withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities

People who experience spring and summer depression show symptoms of classic depression including insomnia, anxiety, irritability, decreased appetite, weight loss, social withdrawal, decreased sex drive,[5] and suicide.

Around 20% of Irish people are affected by SAD, according to a survey conducted in 2007.

Most people with SAD experience major depressive disorder, but as many as 20% may have or may go on to develop a bipolar disorder (manic-depressive disorder). It is important to discriminate the improved mood associated with recovery from the winter depression and a manic episode because there are important treatment differences.[55] In these cases, people with SAD may experience depression during the winter and hypomania in the summer.

Or.... maybe im just a hypochondriac??? What do i know...

2012 look back

Its crazy to think that another year has passed... where has the time gone? I cant even remember what ive done this year? eeek.
  It feels like just a week ago, wehre i was writing my '2011' look back? Hmm... ive done back and read my posts through 2012, so that i can remember what ive done, how ive felt etc etc.
  So now i am going to give you a roughly, month by month of my 2012!!
  If you are an avid follower (which i thank you for ;) ) You will have read my life day by day, but here is a recap :)
 
January.
  January 2012. Start of a new year. I felt tired and stressed, i had my national exams. And i tried putting on a smile, even though i genereally felt upset and tired.
   I started running again during January. I convinced my mum to let me buy sports gear, and then i came to an agreement with my case manager to let me start running. We agreed that i was allowed to run 2-3 times a week as long as i took my supplement drinks.
   I was still underweight, struggling to gain c.a 4kg, to bring me to my goal weight. No matter how much i ate, i couldnt gain weight.
   The more stressed i felt with school, the less i began to eat, and soon i started getting more anxiety.
  Soon my eating patterns turned into a black circle, where i ate less as i felt stressed, but then ended up binging because i wasnt getting enough energy during the days.
  And soon i ended up purging once or twice to deal with the anxiety of binging.
^
^^Î put on a smile hoping no one would notice what was going on in my head.^^
  ^
Taken from a post:
I dont know what to do.... im losing control.

I felt horrible during this period 1-2 months. I didnt know what to do. I was so worried of going back to Mando, of losing my freedom, but slowly Ana was trying to take control.

January was basically a very up-down month, where i was trying to keep myself from falling down.
  And my year pretty much continued like this.














February:

My month continued in the same way as January. Where i felt sad and stressed, trying to keep myself in control.
Taken from a post: 'Keep strong. Nothing good comes from giving up.'
  My life was black, i felt tired. I was worried about Mando, my case manager telling me that i had to gain weight, while my head was telling me to not eat. I felt sad, and my suicidal thoughts began to kick in.
   Running was my joy. I hated going to school, and just wanted to skip it.

Taken from a post:
    It didnt go well at all. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate Mando. I hate anorexia. I lost weight. once again. And basically, thats the end of it. If i lose just 1 hg more, then its back to day patients. I hate my life, its slowly falling apart and im just sitting back, watching it happen.


Taken from a post:
If you could see into my head, all you would see is a tumble of thoughts, happy memories, dark suicidal clouds, thoughts... but no dreams, no goals, no life....'
'I feel empty... as if im a shell. With a smile plastered onto my face?

^^I went for many walks in the snow with my dog.


^^I hated the way i looked. And started getting 'fat feelings' again.

March

It was in March where i realised how i had lost weight, and that my thoughts were taking control, and i realised that if i didnt do something now, then thigns would just keep spiraling down.
    I couldnt deal with the stress of school. And i started to lose even more weight, i was down to 52/51kg, which for my height gave me a BMI of 17 or something, which meant that really i should have been admitted back to day patients. I took control of the situation though and went back to my meal plan, which i think was one of the best decisions ive made, because i know if i didnt, i would have kept losing weight,
   I also began drinking 1/2 supplement drinks a day. It took a long while until i had actually gained the weight again. But i did start feeling a little better in my body, and combined with me running my love for food and appetite grew!!
 That was pretty much what March consisted of. I went to school and just did my thing, dont think anything really happened, i was longing for summer!!!

^^Hated drinking them, but knew i had to.
^^Began eating lots of cheese sandwiches (usually instead of supplement drinks :) )

^^I began gaining weight, slowly... but i began liking my body more!


April.
   During April, my life was a bit like this:
Taken from a post: 
   i hate the way i look... i hate the way i feel.... i just hate everything. contemplating jumping infront of a train ..... or something i hate it.

My mood and energy went up and down. My thoughts started going from positive to negative in a matter of seconds. I felt very stressed as my exams were coming up, and i was just trying to cope. I pulled myself away alot during April, but i did also have some lovely days spent with my family, especially at the end of April when it was my sisters birthday and my family from Ireland and England all came over to celebrate.
During April i also began socializing with D more.




^^I didnt smile. I didnt frown. ... ^^


^
^¨I began liking and accepting my body more.^^

May

It was in May, where i finally convinced my mum and my case manager that i could handle going to the gym and that i really wanted a gym membership!! I can say, that was a very good decision. And i am so glad that i am allowed to go to the gym. (It helps me de stress, i feel good in my body, my restlessness isnt as bad. I feel happpier after the gym. and i am a bit of an endorphine junkie :) )
   I was still trying to manage my 'body thoughts'. Some days i felt positive about my body, otherdays i didnt even want to look in the mirror.
  But generally i started feeling better. The weather was getting a little better (I am seriously starting to think that i have seasonal affective disorder.??) 


At the end of May, i also travelled back to Ireland on my own  for my dads birthday. It had bbeen over 1,5 years since i had been back there and i wasnt so sure how it would go. Whether i would be triggered and relapse. But i was confident that it would go ok. And i wanted to visit my dad and my best friend.
  I also got my tattoo (which i love!) while i was in Ireland!!!^









Tired!!

Even though i slept 10 and a half hours last night... im so tired. And all i want to do is spend the day at home today :) Watching movies. Drinking tea. Eating avocado sandwiches and continuing with my vision book :)
   Sounds like a good plan to me :) 

I love christmas (& summer) break!! :) 

Just been out for a long walk with my dog ->



2013

Saturday, December 29, 2012

2012.

Ive been thinking about doing a years conclusion... or writing about each month and what has happend in my life during 2012!!
  Though, the fact is that i started writing the post like a month ago.... and im still on February!! haha XD

What ive realised is that, 2012 has been a crappy year for me. Like my mood has gone up, down, up, down, down, down..... downnnnnn
    My problem is that, i look at the past and think... ohh, there i looked pretty. There i was happy. But when i think about, i realise that... no i wsnt happy in that photo, and i hated the way i looked that day....
   So many dark thoughts and emotions this year. Sometimes i wonder how i even managed to survive this year, because i can say... there have been many times this year which ive thought about ending it all, thats how bad ive felt... of course, its not something i write too much about here in the blog.
  One of the most surprising things is that people dont seem to have noticied? Sometimes i wonder if i am just faking it... are these feelings fake? But then i realise.... maybe im just such a good actress? What do i know...

But anyway, i am going to try to write the 2012 years conclusion anyway :) Hopefully ill get them up before the year is over :) haha.... though i kind of doubt it?!!!


^^^Last year!

Saturday!

Good Morning everyone! :)
   I actually have plans today?! Hahah.... i feel so forever alone?!

Last night i decided to call D, as we have barely had any contact. Just a few messages, but as most of my friends know, i am very bad at replying to texts and messages, im more a of a phone person. Like call me and we can talk for 2 hours :)
    So it was nice to call her and just talk normally. All the weird feelings and emotions after our argument are gone, or for me anyway. So it wasnt awkward or weird...
   So ive arranged to meet her today, and we'll see what the day brings?

Otherwise, i am extremly tired. I barely slept anything last night. I was up to 2 or 3 am watching the series Ringer. (Its good... but at the same time confusing. But the story lines makes you want to know what happens next... the episodes are 40 minutes, so i end up like just sitting there for 2 hours or something watching episode after episode.)
 And then i end up waking up a little after 8am... Hmph!!! Tomorrow i am going to bed early and then i just want to sleep 12 hours or something!! Haha Im in need of sleep :) I feel like a robot!
  

Now its time to get ready, im sitting here cradling my cup of coffee waiting for the caffeine to kick in!!! :)
  Have a great day everyone.

Ohh, and dont forget, soon its a New Year : 2013!!! Does anyone haveany plans for new years eve? :)
^^^^New Years eve last year :)

Friday, December 28, 2012

Listening to indie music, im sitting on my bed with my dog lying beside me and my computer on my lap.
  Im sitting here wondering about what I should write for my Swedish essay and researching for my history essay!! (Trying to be super clever by doing two things at a time... But I got tired of being smart and decided to blog :) )

This morning I went to the gym, but things went slowly there... it felt like my mind was giving up. My body was filled with energy, but my head was telling me to stop. I took things easy today. I did an hour HIIT on the treadmill, and then some weights. I felt great afterwards.

My sister was busy, so I didn't have brunch with her, but that was ok. I felt so tired that I just wanted to go home anyway!!!

My mood hasn't gone downhill yet which is good!! Im still feeling ok. :) Its a kinda nice feeling, to just feel content. :)
  
Im now going to get back to my work. :)