Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011 - in photos and words

January.


The year started off in Ireland, where i had had a horrible christmas. I refused to eat, and refused to sit and my whole family had given up on me, they didnt have the energy to keep arguing with me and they were scared of me because i had threatened to kill myself and i was self harming daily.
  On the fifth we flew back to Sweden, and then on the 10th i went back to Mando. Where things went horribly and the food was horrible and i refused to eat. I had kept telling myself that i would sign myself out of Mando when i got back to Sweden, but as i was underage i wasnt allowed and then on the 11th i got admitted to inpatients with a BMI of 14. (But i was convinced i looked huge and i didnt feel small at all) and i had scars all down my arms and on my legs. I was at one of my worst mental stages. I didnt feel well at all.
  I got o go home twice, but both times went terribly and i lost a little weight each time i went home.








February -


After 5 weeks as an inpatient, and i had hated every moment and cheated everywhere possible i was going to spend a weekend at home to show that i could be a day patient. But of course, i had no intention of doing right and just an hour after getting home me and mum had argued and i had ended up swallowing 25+ extra strong pain killers. And a few hours later, after lots more tears and arguing and i had self harmed several times and i had even tried killing myself, i ended up collapsing on the floor and i was spaseming and crying and i managed to tell my mum what i had done.
  I dont remember much from thoose two days, but an ambulance was called and i was taken to a hospital where i was strapped up to an IV machine, and given horrible mixtures to drink. i was crying and paniked and in the end i had to be given calming pills which made me fall asleep instantly.
  The next day was pretty shit. I refused to sit and i refused to eat, my mum, the hospital staff and even someone from Mando came over and tried to get me to eat. But i refused. And they told me i would haev to have tube feeding if i didnt eat.
   I had ot be conected to the IV which was cleaning my blood from the posion for 48 hours so i wasnt allowed to go home, or go back to Mando. But all i wanted was to go home.
  That day i meet with different doctors and a therapist and they decided that i had to start talking to someone, and i got a dose of calming pills which i had to start taking as my anxiety was so bad. But they made me tired and slow that i didnt want to take them.


 My mum barely spoke to me while i was in hospital there. I thought i had ruined things to become n inpatient when i got back to Mando. But just 3 weeks after the incident mum orgaised that i got to go to a photo course. I was still an inpatient but i was gone from 11.30am till 6pm (the course was from 12.30pm till 3pm but of course i spent extra time just walking around in town.) The course was just 5 days.
   At the end of February we moved apartment and i had hopes that things would get better.

March -


The 11th of March after 2 months of inpatients i got to be a day patient, where things went terribly. I wasnt eating at home and i had anxiety all the time i was at Mando. I got my meal plan lowered, got rid of the energy drinks, and i managed to get my case manager to let me go home early.... and all that resulted in that i returned to self harming, lost weight, stopped eating.



 



 





April - 

I slowly got my freedom, but i kept losing weight and i had to go to the doctor at Mando and they told me that i had to shape up, and then of course they put the energy drinks back on my meal plan.
  Things didnt go well at home, mum tried to help me but it didnt work. I didnt eat when i was home, and i didnt sit down. And we argued in the family which made me self harm almost daily, and i went out for long walks.
  On the 14th of April, i refused to go to Mando, and i had self harmed badly the night before and there were calls from Mando wondering where i was. But i refused to go in. I had had enough. But the next day i was told that if i didt go in, i would be force admitted to go there, and i would have to be an in patient. So i went to Mando where of course they saw all my self harm and i had to have a talk with the chief of day patients (thats actually who is my case manager now... [i thought she was nice when she talked to me.])
  I had made a video about self harm, telling people (and my readers) that they shouldnt self harm. And i put up pictures, showing the effects of it, and where it had left me. But at that time my sister was reading my blog, so she saw the video got panicked. [Because i showed scars which nobody had known about] And then my mum saw hte video, she called my case manager and then the doctor at Mando.... and i ended up having different meetings with different people at Mando. And i had a suicide assessment, which the result wasnt very good. And my mum came. And i ended up being there until 6pm.
   On the 20th, i had been a year in treatment. (Or more really.) And then it was Good Thursday, and the day patient side would be closed and i got warned from my case manager that i had 5 days on me to show that i could gain weight, or there would be consequences.

  But over Easter things were worse then ever. And then of course i went back to Mando, the next week and i had lost more then 5g i think? And was admitted to HDV directly, wasnt even allowed to go home (but i knew i would get admitted, so i had already packed a bag.) I was cold and tired and sad. And i remember hating myself, and hating life. And i got given out to from several people at Mando.
  And i had a meeting with the doctor at Mando who told me as it was my like 5th time as an inpatient, in a year they thought it would be better i went some other treatment centre. But as it was dangerous for me to be at home, i had to stay as an inpatient at Mando.

The next day, my dad flew to Sweden. And i was in hospital, just like the same date in 2010.











May - 


It started in hospital, where i hated it. I hated my case manager, and i had the activity monitor on me almost all the time. All the staff knew i had activity probllems and knew about my self harming. So i had open toilet (the door was open) and i had been warned that i would get 24/7 supervision (even though thats what there lready was.. but i mean i wouldnt be out of their sight at all) if i didnt stop moving. So they were hard core with me. And the chief of inpatients had to have several talks with me.
  And because i had tried to run away, i wasnt allowed visitors. I was in a wheelchair, to go out, even to jsut take fresh air. I tried cheating with the food, but the staff knew what i did.
 My mum was busy trying to get in contact with another treatment centre, and ringing the doctors at Mando, and coming and going for appointments and meetings, but she wasnt allowed to come visit me.
 Finally after 4 and a half weeks of inpatients, my mum got me to come home for mothers day. The staff didnt want me to go, but she said she wanted me to and that i would never get better if i wasnt allowed home. I ate everything fine, no cheating. But according to my case manager i had too high activity which i think it bull shit. because in all honesty, i had more activity in Mando then what i did at home.
   The whole of May was spent in the inpatients ward, where i hated every second. But i wasnt trusted by anyone to be allowed home. :/



 

  






June - 

Some time in June, i wanted to recover. I decided for myself that i wanted to recover. So then things went well, i slowly stopped cheating with the food and i started talking to my sub-case manager more. (I hated my case manager.) but of course no one really believed me or trusted me, so i just had to hold out. 
  And even though the food went well, my activity was still 'too high' so there was still alot of arguing with the staff.

After 7 weeks in in patients, and lots of different meetings with doctors and only 2 or 3 times been allowed out (as in home, or go out and fika.) i got to go to a centrum with staff from Mando and some other patients and go shopping and eat sushi. That was most probably the only highlight which i had had for a while. Over the weekends i started getting a little more freedom, and i got to go home after lunch and eat my snack at home and be back to Mando for dinner. Of course, i wanted more time at home, but it was better then being at Mando. It was nice to be home and i ate things fine. On the 20th after ALOT of convincing i got to go out for lunch with my mum to celebrate that we had been a year in Sweden, but of course i had just spent that year in hospital and just getting worse, and falling more into Anorexias grip. But then i wanted to get better, and i decided that on the 20th of June next yer, i would not be sick or be in hospital.. i guess i just gotta wait and see. 
Me and mum went to a Thai restaurant, where i had to eat on my Mando meter.. but it went well. A few days later was the first time i had pizza in maybe 3 years??  Alot of anxiety, before & after. but it went well... and i mean im fine eating pizza now. It was just taking that first step and realsing that i Dont gain lots of weight just becuse i eat a half/whole pizza. 
On Midsummer i got time out to go to our aunts cottage out in the country where the family would celebrate midsummer together, it was gonna be a big challenge, or so everyone thought.  I didnt. I knew thigns would go well, i would leave after my morning snack and be back before(or after) my night snack. So that was gonna be 3-4 meals to take on my own. 
It went well. I did get anxiety when the cake came out though, it was a typical midsummer cake, it was covered in cream which gave me lots of anxiety but i did eat a slice. When it came to dinner though i ended up just drinking like 2 energy drinks, because it was only me who had to eat dinner, and there wasnt any food over. 

I think that was the turning point when my case manager realised that i wasnt going to trick and cheat when i went home, because things went well and i hadnt lost weight.
A week later (after 9 weeks in the strict inpatients section) i got to move down to the hotel which is basically still in patients, but it means that you have your own room and bathroom. And you're not watched 24/7. But theres still staff with you when you eat and rest.
                                                                          But you're trusted more when you're down there.

     On the last day of June, i had this Huge meeting at scä.As i was gonna move to scä and start treatment there, but me and mum didnt think they're way sounded very good. So at the meeting we said that we didnt want to go there, but the doctor at Mando and everyone from scä recommended that i should go there, get a new start. And thats what i wanted first, anything to get away from Mando. But at that time, 9 weeks in inpatients, i had come far. I was on my way to recovery and i didnt want to start again where i wouldnt be trusted. And luckily for me, my sub-case manager (my like favourite person at Mando ) was there to back me up and she told everyone how far i had come how i had improved. And that i wasnt the same person i had been before when i kept losing weight. I had shown that i could be home and not lose weight. And i was shining, i liked being, i liked eating i didnt cheat with the food. I was recovering.
   So in the end, i got given that chance to continue at Mando. But of course, my sub-case manager told me that she had put alot of trust in me and that i wasnt allowed to screw things up now.

In June, when i was allowed home more, and i was enjoying food again i found a love for Naturel sweets & pepsi Max. And i enjoyed eating ice cream and all the summer berries!




Thats the first 6 months of 2011... :)
The next 6 months are coming in the next post! :)


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