Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Monday, October 31, 2011

One of those useless surverys

Just because im bored and waiting for dinner :)


name: Anonymous.. but some of you already know me, or know me as (izzy)
piercings: Just in my ears, but i want to get in my belly. and at the top of my ear.
tattoos: not yet... but all i want for my birthday this year is a tattoo... so we'll see :)
length: 174 cm
Shoe size: 7uk... i think
Hair: Blonde naturally.. but i have died it blonder.
Are you in love with someone: Not at the moment... but i have been.. or not sure if i'd call it love?
Do you wish you lived somewhere else: At the moment im quite happy where i am... of course id like a bigger apartment.. but for now. I suppose its alright!
Do you think of suicide: Havent for a while... but i suppose i did before?
Do others that you are attractive: Hahah.. not to sure? cant answer that!
Which shampoo do you use: What ever one we have... at the moment itts bed head. Its very good!!
What perfume do you use: At the moment its Cherry Blossom, or this vanilla one. But i have my eyes set on 'Taj Sunset'
What are you afraid of:. Hmm... i dont know. Food. (LOL JOKE!) errm... i suppose im scared of the people i love dying... or what im most scared of is falling back into Anas clutch.
Do you like to wash: Errr? well... yeah, i wash my face and i love showers... but hate like washing clothes..
Do you like Roller-Coaster: Yes!! Definitely!!

Movie you rented: Dont really rent films, but the film i last watched was Big Fish
Movie you bought: Havent bought a movie
The song you had on the brain: Please Mr Jailor (From Cry Baby)
The song you downloaded: Alexi Murdoch... the whole album
The person you called: i think it was my sister ;)
TV program you watched: Err... Gossip girl... well on the tv. But on the computer, it was Once.
The person you were thinking: Dont really understand the question?

food: Hmm... i like Keso(cottage cheese),  banana, fruit, chocolate, i dont really know.. i have periods of where i love one food! Now its kinda... i dont know??
Song: Not to sure... i like loads!!
Thing to do: taking photos. Dancing. sleeping. talking. being with friends... something like that!!
Sports: Basketball, dancing, running/jogging
Drink: Pepsi MAX, green tea, water, pear juice
Clothing: Shorts and leggings and leg warmers!!
film: Hmm.... Wildchild, inception... i dont know...
car: A limousine!!

Times you been in love?: I dont know... !!
Times your heart broken: Once or twice :'(
Heart failure due to you: once or twice... or more...
Times your names been in the newspaper: A few... but i dont really keep count
Scars you have on your body: Too many. 

Book you read: Torment - Lauren Kate... it wasnt veyr good
The person you received the mail by: My daddy :)
The person you received the letter: eeeeerrrr?
The person you received the income of: What? my mum?
Time your whole family had dinner together: Hmmm... well.. the 3 of us.. yesterday.. i think. Most nights anyway!

What have you done today: The clothes washing, food shopping, dog walking... boring stuff.
Was it fun: No.
How early you get up: Today... 08.45.. but for school its between 6-7
Do you like to fight: No... definitely NO
Are you serious: I can be
What are you allergic to: Err... well some medications i get reactions... but i dont know
Where do you usually hurt:  I dont know.. my head and stomach.. my feet and legs hurt alot as well... and my back... well yeah. 
Do you use hairspray: Hardly
Can you stand on your hands: In water
Favorite series: Vampire diaries, pretty little liars, the lying game

Salt or sugar: Salt
Do you like ketch up: Yes!Yes!
Are you happy now: Not happy. Not sad...
Do you know anyone who works at the hospital: Ugghh... to many
What do you dance to:  whatever really
Stockholm is: A good city... but kind of... i dont know
Gothenburg is: i dont know
Can you sing: Well yeah... but not good
More precious than gold: Love. Family. Friends
Spaghetti or macaroni: Macaroni
A country I most want to visit: New York, Italy, Paris
Should be fun: Haloween party!! I dont know :)
Not to be fun: Going to Mando...
Saves to: A tattoo!!
Waiting for: My birthday!
Spreads that apply: marmalade... its the best! (But i usually go for lightly sugered.)
Daily Drink: Pepsi MAX (or like coke light!) and water

And dinner is ready!!

not so much to say about today.

I wish i had more to write.
But i dont know... theres nothing to write about.
And it feels like no one reads my blog anymore, anyway??

Basically my day has gone seriously slowly.
Ive gone for a walk,
ive taken a few autumn photos
done the washing.

And eaten, but hated every moment of it.
Ive felt sick today.
Havent wanted to eat.

And my head is spinning, at the same time that i know i need to gain weight,
its almost making it harder to eat.
It feels like slowly Ana is coming back.
Like im dreading dinner.... and theres no good reason why.

im tired and bored.
Tomorrow im going to study though and go and get my reserved book from the library.
The girl who kicked the hornets nest - Steig Larsson

I read teh second one about a month and a half ago. :)
So im hoping for the rest of mid-term i'll be reading.
Havent got so many other plans... not exactly anyone to meet. (FML)
I might so swimming one day im hoping.
Try to meet someone.
And then on either friday or saturday, i hope i can go to this halloween party.

Thats my plans.

Please comment? hehe 
(On any post!)

Sunday, October 30, 2011


Breath - Alexi Murdoch

For all of you who need a reason to recover

Look at this blog!!!

Just gonna say.. Hi! And that the dog training went ok... it was tiring, and i didnt manage to follow with on the dog walk... my energy was at an all time low.
  I just came home, ate, slept and then drank a coffee!!

Hahah... my dog is still sleeping... i dont know if i'll go next weekend...haha!!!

Alot of concern.

In the like last few days, a few of you have commented, wondering if i'v lost weight?
  And in all honesty - I dont know.
I dont have a weighing scale, and i dont care about the number, i know i still have some kilos to go up. And i had lost roughly 0,5kg.. when i went to Mando.
   But i dont care so much.

And if im going to be honest going up in weight is hard. And it feels like im... comfortable in my body size (or you know.. most days) so i dont see why i have to go up... but i do. I mean.. no body wants to go up in weight.
  But im trying .But im not putting it as a priority... which i know... is wrong.
 I should be focusing on it. I mean, sometimes i think its a good thing.. cus then i can be like... well yeah... i am going to eat more sweets, or take another portion dinner... but otherwise.. im just living my life.
 I eat what i want. I do whatever i want.
Ok... i should focus on my weight gain... but its hard. It feels like i dont want to.. even though im trying. And my case manager knows that,  she knows that nobody wants to go up in weight.
  Thats what i like about my case manager!!! hahah.

But yeah.... i dont care so much... but i should.


^Roughly 2-3 weeks a go^^
^^Maybe a month ago^

Not so much difference?
But i suppose the fact thatmy 36 shorts are hanging off me now.?? :O

Do you ever ave days were you just love yourself, your body.. and love the clothes your in.
   You feel good?

Yeah well... today isnt one of those days. I feel all round shit.

Its my names Day TODAY!!!!

here in Sweden every name has a day... and I've always thought that i haven't had one. but when i read the newspaper this evening!! there it stood!! Its my names day!!! some people here in Sweden celebrate. like a second birthday. or maybe get a gift or something. Me - well I'll be sleeping. Im so tired. and then Im going to watch a film. and i don't feel like any junk food today. but sushi would be nice??!! Haha!! but yeah..... i was just going to inform everyone!! as Im glad i actually have a namesday!!!!:)

dog training

Going to to dog school... or whatever you say, with my dog today!! Errrrrr??


I thoughts id wrap her up and send her away :) 

Saturday, October 29, 2011

My day!

Hi! :)
How is everyone?
First day of mid-term!! nice!!
My day has been a little bit like this:

Starting the day with a walk with my dog.
Then in the car with my mum,
heading out to some like unknown shopping centre (eerrr?? :))
to buy winter shoes and winter jackets.

My mum found a  jacket which she bought,
and i found one which i like fell in love with.
But as i had already bought one before... 
i couldnt get the one i found... which really sucked.
Then we continued to look in some shops, like H&M, Stadion, Lindex etc etc.
But soon i started to feel dizzy, and angry, and faint. My energy was at a low.
I was hungry.
So i got some money and went to the shop,
i didnt know what i wanted,
but i settled on a big bag of popcorn (which i ate a bit less then a half) a banana(i got so tempted!!) and a pepsi Max!!

And then we continued to look in the shop, and i found this really pretty dress

But it didnt fit so well.
But i need some type of outfit for the party im going to next weekend (or i hope i am)
its for halloween, so i need to be dressed up.
And im thinking, roman goddess? or something like that!!!

But, i'll keep searching!!

And then we returned home, and mum cooked dinner.
But my sister was having a friend for dinner, but she came late,
( i usually eat dinner round 6-7ish) but it was after 8pm by the time we ate.
I had started feeling faint again!!
I need my food!! haha

It was salmon, potatoes , salad and a glass of wine! Yum!!!!

And now, im gonna relax... or actually... have a look over my school books.
Got studying to do :/

Tomorrow im going to a dog course with my dog...??? :)
haha... not so sure how that will go. :)

Alright.. hope everyones had a good day!! :)

And within a week.. i'll be changing my domain name!
I wont be found on this address!!!
(I really hope i dont lose readers... :'( )


   i know longer want to be - living with anorexia.

My new name will either be -
Or -

Not so sure which one!!! Please make sure to remember!! hahaha :)

Im not saying that you're wrong and im right. But you ARE wrong.

It feels like its so taboo to go up in weight.
Every where you look.
People are trying to lose weight.
The clothes are getting skinnier.
The expectations are getting thinner.
Everyone wants to be a stick thin model.
You only see the bad things in yourself.
Everyone is starting to count calories.
Everyone is toning up and going gyming.
Most people are cutting out junk food.
The look is to be skinny.

Everyone's trying new diets,
doing hours of exercise a day.

Young girls are getting affected,
and they're bodies start to shrink,
and they're legs are just bones.

Its like its taboo to say - i need to go up in weight.

Well i do.
And you know what.
Im not going to get affected by these dieters and runners.
Im going to do my own thing.
And im going to enjoy the fact that i can eat chocolate
without getting panicked,
worrying that i might go up in unnecessary weight.

Im not going to let anyone bring me down,
or make me feel bad.
Everyone else is just jealous,
because i can hold my weight, and still eat chocolate
and be happy with my body!!

I like my body.

Waking up and liking your body!
Liking the way you look.
I've come to like my body.
i feel good in my own skin!!

^^Slightly sucking in my belly. But just ate breakfast!!!^^

But of course,im not going ot focus on looking skinny.
Im going to try to go up these last kilos,
and then be done with Mando.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Tacos tonight!!

Yummi. Yummi!
Actually... in fact. im not so hungry.
I feel sick from all the sweets.
And i have a slight angst about it. :/

Theres a voice telling me not to eat.
But just because... im going to try to eat even more.



Last day before break!!!

Yay!!! And my last day in school, for a week - IS over!!! a week free from school!!! - rejoicing, much? :)

Ok... lets start with. I got up 5.45 so i could be at school at 7.30, where me and my friend would talk things out, and do our hair and make up. We had decided that we would get ready... like a halloween type thing - but not really.
  We got ready, and we talked things out.

 Basically... yeah. Things are better now. But it feels like my friend self harmed, for the attention, more then its like a too many emotions, dont know what to do type of thing. Which it was for me.
  She was wondering if she should show this other girl... and then i basically said to her, that it was her choice, but that it was like she was self harming jsut for attention. I mean, she walked around in a short top, practically showing off her scars - proud.
  I didnt think that was cool. I told her about the consequences, about how things had been for me.
I told her that i had been depressed, and started to self harm, and that i had had a tough time in ireland and thenwe moved to sweden and things didnt go so much, it was just the start of this year, after like 2 years self harm that i stopped.
  And she wondered what type of self harm i had done, and i told her, burning, cutting, trying to break bones, picking at scabs... etc etc.

In just one picture... you can see that theres self harm all over my body.

You can always see fading scars in pictures.

  but it wasnt a type of - im proud of it. its left scars on my body, and i mean.. i want to do modelling.... so i dont know how that will go.. but they are fading!! Which is good :)

But anyway... we skipped lunch (???) because my friend had brought in chips and drink and chocolate which we ate, (except i didnt eat any of the chocolate. I didnt like that type) and then i added to the pile and went and bought sweets.
  But after a while i felt sick. And couldnt eat any more.

In the last class though we sat talking and looking over my pictures, and we stumbled upon some of my photos from the last year, while i've been sick. They're not like recovery pictures, but ones when im like on hte beach, and you can see my bones sticking out, and the ribs in my back.
   And she just asked me did you starve yourself. eeerrr?
  I had no idea what to say. Its obvious i did. But i jsut shrugged it off, that i didnt eat when i was depressed.
Yeah.. i didnt fucking eat for like 2 years. (or you know.... not much) but i just said, we'll talk about it later.
  But once that class was over,  i just left, (said good byes of course.) I know im gonna have to talk about it.. but i just dont want to.
  Its better that they just know i have one illness... i dont want people to know i had anorexia. Thats the past. so im hoping i can avoid that conversation.
  I knwo people would look at me differently if they knew.

When i got home, i was very grumpy and mean. I felt sick from all the junk food. And didnt know what to do.

But now im feeling better!!! :) And thats my day!
  Anyone have any plans for the break?? :)

Hope everyones well!!


Thursday, October 27, 2011

Its not that i dont want to eat. Its just that im not hungry.

I havent eaten alot today. Not that i dont want to eat, its just that i dont feel hungry.
  Not one bit. If anything - I feel kinda sick.

I barely ate anything for my afternoon snack. I just had a coffee and nibbled on a row of chocolate. Dinner was a bit of chicken and some rice (same as yesterday) and now for my night snack. I dont feel hungry.
 But im gonna try eating some porridge and milk. Maybe substituting an energy drink for a bit of chocolate.

Maybe its cus im so hungry that im not hungry? I dont know.
  I just dont feel anything.

I explained everything to my mum though and she understood, which was good.
  But everything has weared off now.. ive talked it out, ive half sorted it out with my friend. So its just... no big deal.

I think im gonna go to school tomorrow. Or i suppose, i have to.
Good night! I think i've updated enough today? haha

^^Old picture^^

Link exchange!

Would anyone like to do a link exchange?
If you have a blog,then i can link your blog to my blog 
(like, so you can get more readers)
and then you an link mine to yours?


School photo

My school photo has finally arrived!!

^^I prefer this years photo to lasts year.^^

^^Usch. usch. usch. Hate it.^^^