Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

Translate

Friday, September 30, 2011

List of songs im listening to at the moment!! :D















Hahah.. im very bored.. so i decided to post these!! :)



^^Me when im bored and sick!!!^^

My meal plan.

I got the question What is my meal plan?


I do have a meal plan to follow, but in general, i just do what i want... :) hahha

Breakfast - 
   Portion porridge with a banana, milk and marmalade/jam. 1 knäckbröd with whatever toppings i want.
And then i add my ten snack with it, a piece of bread (or 2 knäckbröds with topping) and a glass of juice.
On weekends i sleep in so i add like my breakfast to the morning snack :)

Lunch - 
  In school i eat whatever is served, if its not very good or i dont like it, i would eat as much as i can and then take 1 or 2 knäckebröds. Or i would go to the shop and buy whatever i fancy, whether thats like a sandwich, a risifrutti, or like a bag of sweets:)
    At home during the weekend i would eat like soup and 1 or 2 pieces of bread with topping, or like just a sandwich or two, or i would cook something. And then a glass of juice.

Afternoon snack - 
  This varies very much. Somedays i would eat an ice cream or seomthing, or yoghurt and muslie, sandwiches, or i would break it up and like eat a few biscuits and a cereal bar or soemthing. It varies, and i usualy just eat what i want :):):)

Dinner - 
  A portion of whatever is cooked, and i eat as much as i want, i dont use the Mando Meter anymore. and a glass of juice or saft, or whatever drink  i want (well except water.. or i drink that somedays anyway.)

Night snack - 
  Here i just eat what i want. :) sometimes its yoghurt and cereal, or a fruit salad with yoghurt, or bread/knäckebröd, or kräm, or whatever really... :)

And then i drink 2 energy drinks a day, but depending on how much activity i do, i would add one or 2 more.
   In all honesty, i suppose i should follow my meal plan, but i know roughly how much i should eat for each meal. I havent told my case manager i dont follow my meal plan... but whatever :)
 

Also got the question if i haev any fear foods.

Answer -  No. I can eat pretty much everything. Well i suppose i dont think i could eat McDonalds. but otherwise pretty much everything.
I still avoid buying packets of things which state the GDA of food, because that still bothers me.
But otherwise... im fine :)
Chocolate, pizza, vegie burgers, ice cream, sweets!!:)
Maybe not all at once :P





Too much at once.

I think im stressing myself up too much. Im not giving myself time to get better.
   I was planning on going to school today, but considering i only got 4 hours sleep last night, i was way to tired and i felt too sick to go to school.
  ive felt dizzy and tired, and my head has hurt and my stomach aswell. but ive just ploughed on anyway. Ive taken my dog for a walk, ive cleaned, i was planning to go pick up my maths book from school but mum wouldnt let me take the metro as i was sick.
  And now suddenly i find otu i have LOADS of tests next week, and suddenly im stressing myself up, knowing that i dont have my books and ive missed out on notes and i dont even know what i need to know for the tests.
   Im not giving myself time to get bettter, but i just dont like being sick. I hate feeling that i cant do anything, so i just get on with what has to be done.
   I dont know if thats a good thing or not?? But theres not much else i can do... i hate being sick. And im not going to let it stop me from doing what i want. or more... what has to be done.

Check out this blog.

I found this really good blog, which i think all of you should check out!!! :)

http://eatingdisorderrecovery.tumblr.com/

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Diary entry - 12/2/11 (Might trigger)

12/2/11

Dont make me eat again.
I cant do it.
I wont do it.
Its too much.
too much food for one person.
Im a fat-so.
an obese person who just eats and eats and eats.
make me stop it.
dont make me eat.
The food is poison.
Its like your making me eat rat poison
It will kill me.
Take the food away.
I dont want to see it.
I dont want to smell it.
I dont want to be near it.
I dont want anything to do with it.

How can i sit so calmly and eat?
Its killing me inside.
The panic.
My heart is beating fast, cant they see how eating affects me?
Its wrong.
I dont need to eat.
I cant stand to look at myself.
Im the picture of ugly.

Please.
I cant do this anymore.
I dont want to eat.

Im tired.
I dont want to wear this mask anymore.
In fact - i dont want to play this game anymore.
Its game over for me.
What do you think 30 extra strong pain killers will do to me?

^^^I cant belive this is how i once thought.
It feels so strange.
I dont have any of those thoughts anymore.
It feels awful how i, and eveyrone else with anorexia,
could suffer so long wit those type of thoughts.^^


And the answer to what taking 30+ extra strong pills is -
collapsing to the floor, rushed to hospital, drinking a horrible drink,
told that you were close to dying (especially as i was so underweight)
and having a drip attached to my arm and staying the night in hospital.
Given calming pills,
questioned why i was so suicidal (the answer was clear.. i wasnt eating.)
and seeing the pain in your mothers eyes.


Its not worth it.




I feel like dying....

Usch..  i hate being sick. I hate feeling useless, and hate having no energy.
  Its like ive spent enough time doing nothing at Mando... so i really hate feeling like this...

I felt a bit better this morning, after sleeping away yesterday so i took my dog out... but maybe that wasnt such a good thing as now i feel worse then ever.
  I feel shaky, tired, my mind is fuzzy, my body hurts, i feel like puking, my nose is red and my head is pounding...  haha Feel sorry for myself, much?
  Nahh... im gonna go to school tomorrow. My mum says thats not a good idea... but i hate just lying in bed all day.
  and anyway, i need to study i have tests coming up.

I'll drink some coffee and i'll be fine.
   Tomorrows Friday anyway... then i have the weekend to get  better.

My day has been pretty much useless.
 Ive slept, ive watced films, ive eaten... even though i have no apatite.  and thats about it.


This weekend is gonna pretty much suck.. all i want to do is go out partying... :/ heheh and i was gonna go dancing during the weekend.. but its been canceled.
  Another coring Saturday nad Sunday, then???


Its true what they say.

Friends are like bras -
Close to the heart and always there for support.

I got a package from my best friend in Ireland today!!
Lots of small little gifts..
not really any reason why... :)
 Just a gift.

Shes the best friend ever.
Shes always been there for me!!!
Shes supported me,
been there for me when i needed to talk
even nnow that we're in different countries!
While i lived in ireland.
We'd SMS until 2 or 3 in the morning,
And have 2 hour conversations.
We were like 2 peas in a pod!!
Stuck by the hip :)
We'd have 2 day sleepovers
and tell e\ch other everything.

We never kept secrets and never fought.
It was only when i got anorexia, which the lies started forming.
She was the one to start realising i had stopped eating,
but she believed the lies i told.
And she was still there for me,
even though i pushed her away.
She was the one person i told about that i had anorexia.
Once i was admited to the irish hospital, that is.
I had no other choice.
When i was home sick,
we always kept in contact
and she always kept me updated.
:)
Best friends are soemthing everyone needs... :)

And the best news of all, which ive most porbably wrote before.
And ive known for like 2 months.
After like a year and a half of not seeing each other, apart from on Skype.
Shes coming to visit!!
In like 2 weeks!!!
hehehhehe

Shes only staying for a week..
which isnt nearly enough time...
but we'll make do with the time!!
Im gonna eb busy showing her Sweden!!!
:)
I really cant wait!!

Well... that was my little post!!!

^^Hehhe... ^^ :D


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Bed, Tea, films and ice - cream... it can only mean one thing.

At home sick. :/

I cant complain though.. evevryone else seems to have gotten sick aswell.
But i feel so weak and defenceless.
I dont like it.

I started feeling sick yesterday,
but decided to go to school anyway.
On the way to school it felt like my lungs were collapsing.
I could hardly breathe and i sounded like someone about to dye gasping for breath when i finally got to school.
And then i did a fricking workout by running up and down the steps to go to the bathroom to blow my nose.
I feel like rudolf the red nosed reindeer?

I managed half the day but then it was time for P.E
and i just didnt have the energy 
so i told a teacher and headed home.
Since then, ive watched a film and 2 episodes in a series im watching.
And ive slept a whole deal!!
My appetite is at zero.
so only managed a little dinner.
But now im gonna have to try to make up for it
by eating a whole deal of ice cream.
One good thing - it'll soothe my throat.

No hopes of doing anything exciting tomorrow.



Tuesday, September 27, 2011

An ice - cream a day....

My morning start off with going to a CF clinic. Where they took my weight... and then they took blood tests as the last time they took blood tests it showed that i had too high liver results... which can be a cause of underweight.. which i was when back then when they last took... but they were worried about that.
   And because ive started getting a stupid cold.. im on anti-biotics... I hate the autumn/winter season....

Then i headed to Mando. My weight wasnt down, but it wasnt up either.
   My case manager doesnt really know what to do.. my BMI is like 17 and i have to have  a BMI of 19 before i can let go of my meal plan, and eat freely...
  so that means i still need to gain weight... Urrrghhh.... when will it stop???? Why is it so hard to gain weight?
  Like i told my case maanger that i've eaten like chips and stuff like that which i hadnt eaten in God knows when, and like ive been listening to my hunger and fullness.. like eating a bit more if im hungry or taking an apple extra or something.
   But at the same time, its been more activtiy... I just dont know anymore...


I think my case manager thinks im trying to control my weight... Like i told her before, and my in patiant case manager, that 55kg was the most i was going to be... so i think that she thinks that im trying to control my weight, because i go up a little and then go down again and up.. etc etc.
  But in all honesty, i dont notice the difference... i dont feel it... so i mean.. why does it matter so much?

But basically, to go up this last bit she wants me to eat like an ice cream Extra over my meal plan or take an extra energy drink... meaning 3 energy drinks and my meal plan... Ok... in all honesty. It doesnt bother me... so its not a big deal... but in a way it feels kinda like.. Why are you still raising my meal plan?
  And i wonder how much im gonna have to eat when i dont have a meal plan.. i have a feeling that i'll be crashin down in weight.
   Im really wondering how i didnt lose weight before... when i was healthy. I never drank energy drinks, and i ate less then i do now.... i dont know... everything seems so hard.
   Its annoying i hate dealing with all of this.. people telling me to eat more, and to keep gaining weight...
Its like im happy, im living my life... why do i still need to gain weight? (i supose thats Ana talking???)


Anyway... that was my time at Mando... have to go back there next week to see if my weight is going up or not.... ugghhh

Then i came home and studied. studied. studied.....
   i am officially sick of Maths......

That was my day... Now im going to creep into bed. My whole body is sore and not looking forward till tomorrow.... my longest day in school... and Gym tomorrow.. i dont think i'll manage.... :/

Night everyone.




Monday, September 26, 2011

My life has changed soo much.

While i was sick:







NOW - Healthy!!(or as close to!!):






Mando tomorrow. :/

Why do i always dread going to Mando?
I mean, its not so bad going there, just being there for an hour or so..
so its not bad in that way.
But i always get the nerves because i know im going to be weighed,
and im so worried i've lost weight.
Like i had lost a kilo or something last week,
and i need to have gained htat back again.
But i dont think i have.
I've done more activity.
But i have also eaten more junk food
and taken an extra energy drink when i have done too much.
But its a tricky balance?

I sometimes wish we had a weighing scale,
so i could make sure i didnt lose weight.
But i could so easily get fixed with the number..
and it could be a bad thing.

Tomorrow im gonna go there for my morning snack.
And then chat about things...

There are some things which i want to take up..
but i might mention them tomorrow.

Usch.. nervous for tomorrow..
Not gonna bother going to school tomorrow..
even though i suppose i could go...

But sure.. a day off... :)


^^Heheh.. me in wood!!^^


Superdog??



Superdog, or What???

Goodbye summer. Hello Autumn.
























Sunday, September 25, 2011




Just hanging around!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Not just a 'normal' saturday!!

My day would have been spent, studying, cleaning, eating and taking m dog for a walk...
If i didnt have friends!!!

Today me and some friends had decided to go swimming (When did i last go swimming - In a pool??)
So after a rushed visit to the shops, as i couldnt find the right swimming togs,
i headed to meet the girls!!

we swam, we dived, we jumped, we crashed into people and we took the slides!!
Laughing all day.
But after trying to swim laps, as im gonna haev a swim test sometime,
i realized how much swim training i need
I could barely swim 25 M. ugghhh :)
After two hours of swiming,
the pool was closing.

So we got ready and then we bought some cheese doodles and Pringles
and munched on them until it was time to head home!!

I feel very proud of myself.
Ive found it diffucult to eat like cheese doodles or crisps, 
because the GDA has stood on the packet.
But i didnt care, it didnt bother me.
 But while we sat waiting for the train,
one of my friends like turned the paket around adn started looking at the GDA.
I just put my hadn over and told her not to care.

I mean, we had just swum two hours...
why get guilty thoughts about eating chips?

Sounds weird, thinking that that came out of my mouth.
But im reasonable now.
I enjoy eating and i dont see why you should feel bad about eating crisps
or chocolate or something?

That was my day.
But after dinner im heaidng off again.
Going to help a friend with a project they're doing?
I think im gonna talk about my anorexia... in all honesty.. im not to sure.
I guess i'll find out!
Hope everyone had a good day!!!
Enjoy the weekend!!







Friday, September 23, 2011

It was only a game

Its all just fun and games,
until someone gets hurt.

The silent secrets.
The tears behind closed doors.
The food hidden away in a pocket
or under a top.
The smile thats plastered on your face,
it doesnt mean your happy.
The coldness during the night
and the tiredness during the day.

It was just a game.
It was just something you'd try.

you wanted to feel perfect,
you wanted to feel happy.
Now you feel nothing but pain.

You just wanted to be skinny,
whats the harm in that?
But then food became the enemy,
and there was no way out.

It was just a game, something fun you'd try.
Something new,
something everyone was doing.

But you could never have guessed the consequences,
ending up lying in bed,
with your arms dried red in your own blood,
and barely able to life your head.

You would never have guessed that you could ever be so scared.
 So scared to eat,
so scared to ask for help.
So tired and weak.
The war raging in your head.

You never would have guessed that you'd end up alone,
end up scared of the world 
and angry at yourself.

You were once the happy girl,
the girl everyone loved.

But it started as a game,
you just wanted to lose a bit of weight.

But you ended up losing yourself,
and in the end your life.



Written by - Izzy. (23/9/11)




If i could


If i could... i would help everyone with anorexia.
   I read many blogs, and im freinds with quite a few who i've met along hte way... and not everyone is doing so well.
   It makes me so sad. I may not know the people personally, or that well....

But i know where they are. I know which stage they are... and im never going back there.
It makes me sad to think of my past... how i couldnt realise how i was sick. I never thought what i was doing was sick.
   I went and cut myself, i didnt eat anything I said nasty things, i lied. I lost contact with people and i blamed others for my problems.
  I avoided everyone.
I avoided myself. I couldnt face the truth, i couldnt face the fact that i was sick.

I couldnt see a life without Ana.

I didnt want the help offered. I wanted to be on my own. To be with Ana.

But that wasnt a life? 
 I wish i could take away everyones pain. I want to help others, make them see that Anorexia isnt a life.
Why is there so much fixation on being skinny? What is it that makes us stop eating? Eating is one of the most natural things a human does? So what is it that makes us scared, makes us rather kill ourselves then eat over XXX calories, or go up X kilos?
 
Its almost like you could call anorexia the Devil. It takes away your life, it ruins your life. it makes you scared, helpless.
   it leaves you silent. it leave you in pain.

So many girl suffering each day... when there is so much more to life. So many people dying each day, each year because of an eating disorder.
    And its not easy, but recovery si the only way...

But to make that choice... to make the choice to recover and jump into the darkness... thats the hardest thing you'll ever go through. But you just have to trust me, trust anyone whos recoverd that in the end its worth it.
   But so many never make that choice.