Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Thursday, August 18, 2011

Time to hit the shops


Recently I've been avoiding the shops. i love shopping. but i don't love my new size/body. i still have a thing for numbers. I hate knowing that ive gone up clothes sizes. so I've been avoiding the shops.

but i decided i can't be scared of shopping forever. i mean. of course im a different size. i was just bones before.
i just have to accept it and move on, find clothes that fit me now. instead of crying because my old clothes don't fit any longer.

I made plans with my mum, that id meet her in town after lunch and we'd do some shopping.
it wasn't the most fun thing. seeing my body in all these mirrors . and i hated how crowded town was. i can still easily get panic attacks or get quote scared when there's so many people.

in the end, after a thousand ( much exaggerated) shops and 5 hours of walking and browsing in glad with what i bought!!
we did stop for a coffee break though, where we shared a.banana split, with pear, blueberries and vanilla ice cream!! It was nice. i can't remember the last time i had eaten something like that??? eh heh heh. i do admit i skipped on the cream though.
Mainly cus it was cream and im still scared to eat cream???? but also because it tasted horrible.
funny thing is that ... I don't actually like pizza or cream. not fries either. maybe its still a part of anorexia... i don't know. Maybe its cus for so long i kept telling myself that i couldnt eat those type of foods that they were forbidden foods, so maybe ive tricked myself, to actually think that ti dont like them... but i  dont know... i  would much prefer vegetables or sushi??? Does that sitll make me sick?
  i dont think so... cus i can eat pizza... adn yes, it still does bother me  a little. but i can eat it. So jsut cus i choose not to eat it.. that doesnt make me sick? Does it?

Anyway, after having a quick 45 mintues at home, its now time to head out again... time for  a concert. Alexander Rybak.. a norweign singer is going ot preform in town. He was the one who one the Eurovision song concert for Norway.
So That should be good!! :) Todays been a pretty long day.. but it feels good to acutally be   doing soemthing, in these last day sof my summer holidays!!! aHHHH:)

hahah.. hope all of you have had a good day!!


(Sorry if theres typing mistakes.. this is a quick post im jsut laying up before i go!!!)


  1. Hey, hope you have a great evening - I love Alexander Rybak! Sorry if you think this is weird but I've been reading your blog and I just wanted to say you're a huge inspiration to me, how you've got through so much and are living your life again! I've just been diagnosed with Anorexia and it's destroyed so much of my life and my family already, I just can't see a way out, it doesn't seem as though I'll ever get better, have you got any advice? It's just nice to talk to somone who understands! :)
    Love Jess

  2. Ahhh thank you!!! :)

    i remember when i got diagnosed with anorexia. it didn't seem possible. I mean, i already had my other illness.
    but i remember that when i got the diagnosis. things turned worse.

    i suppose the tips that i can give is that do right. straight away . i mean, at the beginning, things might not go 100% all the time. but you have to try.
    i mean from day one. and keep fighting till the end.
    when the panic and angst is the worst. Don't let it bring you down.

    also, i would tip that you find something worth fighting for. otherwise it feels like your just fighting. doing all the work. for someone else.
    so you need to want to get better for yourself.

    another tips is that if you have low self confidence or low self esteem. Try to work on that?

    There's much more i could tips on. but i might do that in another comment.

    but the main thing is to decide to get better. otherwise you wont.
    you'll end up getting worse, because you won't want to be healthy.

    What type of treatment will you get? in patient or day patient? or will you just be at home with check ups now and again?

    feel free to comment. doesn't have to relate to the post!!! haha

    hope things go well for you? x

  3. Hi- not going to write much today because i'm so tired i'm about to fall asleep just sitting here... hehe. It was the last full day of marching band camp, and we have a performance tomorrow, but our rehearsal today was crazy intense. Plus we are all exhausted from the rest of the week.

    But the main thing I am thinking about right now... the number of times calories, weight, skinniness, anorexia, all that came up during camp. Like, my friends and I would always talk about food and how we wanted food and then we had to go excercize to burn off calories and not get fat.. just lots of things like that. We just ALWAYS talk about it. And definitely not in an ED type way, just kind of talking about it. I don't really know. I'm tired right now.. hehe. But I don't think it's helping my getting better at all.. except that now i'm actually eating normally a lot of the time. I don't know, i'm just really confused right now about what I'm doing haha. Anyway, today anorexia came up twice actually in our conversations. First at lunch, my friends and I went to a sushi place and they all got tempura lunch boxes or teriyaki bento, things like that with lots of food, and I got cucumber rolls (six pieces) which is tiny compared to their meals. [plus we all got miso soup]. And we were just kind of talking about eating and stuff, and then one friend said to me, speaking of anorexia, you barely ever eat anything, and you're really skinny, i'm worried about you. I just kind of brushed it off and said you have nothing to worry about or something. And then at dinner today, the whole table was just kind of talking about anorexia. I have this other friend that's tall and skinny and stuff, but for sure not anorexic, and some people just think that she is or something. And she was saying that if she was anorexic she wouldn't be eating all these cookies and desserts right now. Which really bugged me because I'm sitting right there, eating the same cookies and all. It's so much more than just the physical eating and stuff, there is so much mental component to anorexia that people just don't know about. It just kind of bugs me I guess.

    That went longer than expected... sorry that was probably just a really confusing mess haha. I'm pretty much falling asleep right now at my computer... so I think I'll move over to my bed now :) heheh :) Hope things are going well.

  4. Hello!!
    You've been pretty busy recently with camps and all that?
    i can understand how that doesnt help?
    do your friends diet or anything?

    If they've mentioned something they might soon suspect something? But that doesn't have to be a bad thing?
    good that you're eating normally. keep it up. :) that's a step forward!!!

    aaahhhh. i know what you mean. Anorexia is a mental illness. you don't have to be just bones to be anorexic its just that that usually ends up being the result. :/
    like somedays. i hate my body, just the fact that i dont 'look' anorexic. Yup. that's pretty sick??

    like there's plenty of slim people, even people who are underweight . but that doesn't make them anorexic ?
    ugh. i hate how people think just cus your not just bones, that you can't have an ED.

    it feels like sometimes people forget that some days i can get the worst angst or panic, just because im not underweight , or seriously sick anymore???

    things are going well. i have my ups and downs :)
    how are things with you?

    when do you start school? are you nervous or looking forward to it? :)