Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Monday, August 1, 2011

I hate myself.

I hate everything ive  become. I hate everything about me.
   But also, i cant remember who i am? Who was i before all of this.

All i can rememeber are my years of ein sick. I cant remember being normal, doing normal things. And if i did, all i can remember are the sick, Ana parts, the thoughts and angst i got when i went ot the cinema with friends, being in school i never ate, going into town avoiding eating even when my friends ate... all i remember is being sick.

I must have been normal at some stage - Of course i was.  Buut i cant remember it.

I dont even know what it is im missing. What is normal? How can someone tell me when i'll be normal again, when i'll be healthy when i dont even know when or what that is?

I cant remember a healthy girl, ive forgotten all thoose memories, buried them deep inside me.

I cant remeber how i thought when i didnt have thoughts of food(of course, my thoughts are becoming more normal and thinking less about food and calories now.) how i acted.
 
And what scares me most is that once im a day patient, i d ont know how things will go. at the moment things are going really well, and theres nor eason to say that they wont when i become a day patient, but im scared....?
   no one can tell me that i wont end up as an inpatient for the 5th time? I wont let that happen, but its not like i ever wanted to come back.
   Im not getting worse.... im just scared and worried.

And today when i looked over pictures of when i was Healthy? I dont even know when that was.
   I dont know...it feels weird to think that i didnt have thoughts of self hatred of my body, and that i ate what i wanted. and didnt think of calories.
 
It still scares me to think that i'll be healthy that  i can no longer be classified as an anorexic.
   And now, im starting to think of the damage ive done. Will i grow anymore? Will i get my period again? WIll i ever meet anyone? Will i even get any good education.

And then theres my scars... i know i shouldnt, but i want to do modelling but now ive realised that i wont be able to, no agency would want me, as my scars are still visible, and also the fact, wat would happen if i was told too lose weight?
  And the though of me not being able to do modelling is really crushing me.... i know tis stupid and many people haev told me that after what ive been through its not advised to then go into a business where its all about small and weight. but i dont care... its something i love doing... it would eb a side job, im not stupid eough to ttry to make it as full career, i would like to have a proper job... what ever that iwll be.

But i supppose i have to satisfy myself to be behind the camera instead. :/

I really do hate what ive become. When i look at my old pictures, when i was sick..... i hate it, but at the same time, i want to go back to it??
   I dont know what to think anymore.... i dont know what to do?

This is just one messed up post, blabbing about a bit of eveyrthing. but at the moment im a bit of a jumbled mess. dont know whether to be happy or sad, worried or stressed, whether to cry or to laugh.

I jsut dont know.

6 comments:

  1. I actually know what you mean about not remembering what it's like being healthy, back in the days when you could just eat something with no problem and be happy with yourself. It's just a very vague, distant memory that I can't quite get to. Today, I just realized- I've had anorexia for about a year now. That scared me a lot. An entire year just gone like that... And I can't really remember much from the year, it seems like just a blur of bad things. I wish I never fell into this hole, I would be so much further forward without it.

    About the modeling.. I think you would make an amazing model, all your pictures on here are really really good. And scars heal over time? Maybe not soon, but over a couple years? I don't know, but it's always possible. And even if you do have the scars, you could do pictures and things where you can't see them, like a lot of the ones you have on here? I don't know. But I do know that you would be REALLY good at it, and anyone who wouldn't take you would be crazy. That is a good point about what if they asked you to lose weight, but I don't think they should, you look so pretty at a healthy weight. But anyways, I don't think you should be completely discouraged about the modeling yet, I think it is definitely possible for you :)

    I'm in kind of a mess right now as well. I don't really know what to think or do. It's at a point right now where I could either get better or worse, and I'm in control of that. Flute camp was super inspiring, I'm now ready to work harder than ever to reach my goals. I can't wait to reach them. Also I went through some pretty good emotional developments there, I learned to control my competitiveness and keep it at a healthy level instead of letting it tear me apart, and other things as well. But with the anorexia right now.. I really don't know where it will go from here. As I was saying last night, I'm thinking of telling someone, getting help to make sure I can achieve the goals I want to reach. But I have a feeling I won't end up doing that, that I'll just regress back like I usually do. I'm just really confused right now, so I'll just take my life day by day, see what happens.

    Well, some good news from today- I figured out how to enable commenting on my tumblr! haha. I spent two hours on it this morning, it was confusing because I had to use custom HTML, and I only know some very basic HTML from a class I took 5 years ago :) I had a headache afterwards :) But it works now! The rest of my day I've just been hanging around, practicing flute and listening to music mostly. And tidying up my room :) Not sure what tomorrow will bring, I'm going to lunch with my grandpa, and that's all I have planned besides practicing flute.

    Hope tomorrow goes well? feeling a little better? :)

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  2. It sounds realy good abotu you considering getting help???
    I think it would really help, even though t i might suck at the time???
    But i dont want t put you off... :) hehe.
    Do you know what type of treatment or help you'd want?
    And i think if you get help, and like overcome Anorexia, then you'll definitely be able to do everything you want to do!! :)

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  3. I know what you mean, how the time jsut passes, and you dont even realise?
    I thinki ive been sick roughly 4 years.. :/ and a year and a half, roughly in treatment.
    And i mean, when i think about it, i havent properly been in school for abotu 2 years. and ive hardly spoken to my friends properly in almost 2 years.... thats a long time.
    I mean... this is our teenage years? We should be out living our life, not scared to eat, and hiding away... but so much easier said then done?

    And like you said, these 2 years is jsut a blur... it seems like theres been no good times? even thought there has been... it jsut seems that thoose times are forgotten as theres been so many crappy times?

    Hahah.. thanx :) I think im gonna look into a bit more, see if theres any creams or something that can minimize scars? Dunno... but anyway, mum says that i have to wait until im fully healthy, or like my body has settled and ive started school and all that, so wont be tills next year, but i think i might start looking for agencies?

    Asking for help wont be easy... but i hope you do... i mean, thigns would be so much easier if you got support or help from someone? and then in time you might stop worry or thinking about food, or whatever? I dont know.
    What type of help or treatment would you be looking for?

    I know some people who have overcome anorexia on their own, like they've found soemhting to fight for, and maybe by you really wanting to like live your dreams, and all that... maybe that's enough? Im sorry, i have absaloutly no idea?

    Things are a bit better today? Not to sure, im gonna speak to my case manager and see if i can go home this week and/or if i become a day patient... but im really nervous.
    Im so scared that if i become a day patient things will go wrong again?
    S at the same time that i want to become a day patient, i dont. cus at the moment im comfortable here, but in a way its wrong??

    I'll see :)

    Hope lunch with your grandad goes well!!

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  4. can't they just photoshop your scars out?

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  5. Yeah, they should be able to.. but i mean i think the agencies and companies would prefer to not have to put in the extra work.??

    I dont know.... but my self harm seems so pathetic now... but at the time it was my coping mechanism??

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  6. yeah, i get you, but i don't think they'd mind, i mean, i'm sure its not something that would take very long. also, wouldn't makeup cover them, at least enough for photographs? i had some on my arms that have just disappeared in the past few years and they barely show now, others have remained but it just depends on how deep you cut :/
    by the way, i'm so happy for you, that you're so much healthier now :'D

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