Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Sunday, August 14, 2011

i cant keep smiling.

I cant keep smiling. i cant pretend that everythings ok.
   
Im hurting.
Im hurt.
I dont want to do this anymore.
I cant think of anything else.
All i can think about, day and night,
is my body.
My size.
My weight.

I should be happy,
im basically my goal weight.
But it doesnt make me happy.
It makes me sad.
Makes me want to cry.

Everything is hard.
my world is crashing down all around me.

 I cant pretending,
but i wasnt pretending.
I was enjoying my life.
Enjoying living.
Now - 

I would do anything to just end it all.

Im  not happy,
i dont want to live like this.

I havent been allowed to make any choices.
Its my life,
but im being treated like a 2 year old who cant make choices.
And maybe i cant.

But my choice now is that i dont want to do this any longer.
I cant have someone else decide what weight im going to be.
What im allowed to do or not.

Why is the last stage 
always the hardest?

I cant fight anymore
theres too much angst.
Having to eat all my meals.
I dont want to eat 6 times a day.

I dont want to be healthy.
Whats so great about being healthy?

Whats so great about being skinny, anorexic?
I dont know.

e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

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