Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Too much energy - going for a jogging trip.


Wonder if im allowed or not... in all honesty.. im worried abotu my weight... but i always am... its just that i cant lose weight.... :O

But i cant sit and study.. i haev to calm myself, and ive gotten this really bad angst....

Its not a big deal.

Hey there!!! :)

Today i can say has been a pretty good day!.... or better then before.. if i put it that way.

My first 3 classes felt so weird... i mean to actually be doing classes, and studying and learning. And apperently i have a whole bunch of tests and studying to do, and this is like our 3rd day of study - Damn... but thats school... Just gotta get used to it.
   And once i got into the class and started to listen i realised that i had done all of this before, so that was a relif, i knew what was going on, what they were talking about and i could follow. :) And answer questions.
   During the breaks i even caught up on what i had missed and did my homework... hehe :)

But i did overcome a challene thing... or maybe not 'challenge.' But ive (and im sure others with an ED have the same problem?) always hated eating infront of others... ive never been able to do it.
While ive been going to school, ive been eating my morning snack with breakfast, jsut adding a sandwich adn juice to my oatmeal and that... so its not to hard to eat. It would be too cramped if i ate my morning snack at 9/10 and hen ate lunch at 11.  
  But today as i was going to be in school tills 4 i had packed my afternoon snack, which was a cereal bar adn to make up for the missing calories, i had these 3 licorice bars.
   But at around 10ish... i started feeling hungry, as  i had eaten breakfast at 6am (school started 8am.) so i just got out the licorice bars, at first i felt really awkward, and in my mind it felt weird, like... Your eating extra... but in reality, i wasnt... its just that i was eating part of my afternoon snack.
  It felt kinda weird cus no one else ate, but when thye saw me eating they started complaining how hungry they were....
  and before i knew it, i had actually eaten all 3 of the licorice bars... cus i was so hungry!! haha..... :) (Weird... rigt?)

But then for lunch and hour later, i really wasnt that hungry, so ate about half of what i got... :/ (NOT GOOD.)

During the breaks and during the classes, i did get talking to one or two in the class, there are two lads in teh class and they were really sound... i even started laughing... but that doesnt mean i want to stay in the school.

And then today we had P.E... kinda sucked... :/ I thought we'd run.. but no. And we're gonna have P.E outside... until the middle of October... COLD!!!!
   And then i got to come home, and hour and a  half earlier!!! :)

I actually feel really proud of myself, that i could overcome my fear of eating infront of others - just be normal!!

But i have realised how much the girls in my class talk about - dont eat this, dont eat that, you'll get fat..... its like all i hear is fat.fat.fat. usch.
   And the two same girls(who asked me abotu my weight) keep telling me how skinny i am, they even wondered if i eat or not.... WHAT? im not skinny.... :O

But anyway.

Hope you've had a good day!! Got to get studying now! :)

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

remember the time

Remember the time,

when there was tears and unkept promises
there was anger and arguments,
lies and untruthful truths.
there was sadness and pain
that never seemed to leave.

there were days of numbness and days of overwhelming pain.
there were screaming matches and silent treatments.
The evil glares and the devil look.
the disappointment and hurt in everyone's eyes

remember the time when you could never be perfect.
no matter how little you ate,
no matter how much you moved,
no matter how many times the razor met and sliced skin.
you were never good enough,
there was always something wrong.

remember the time when you felt dizzy and cold.
when you were hungry all the time
remember the mental battles
and the pain that you carried on your shoulders.

remember all the lies and secrets you kept and told?
remember all the time you cheated, and knew you did wrong.

remember all the times you sat alone in your room.
remember all the time you cried yourself to sleep.

remember all the hurt,
all the time you promised that things would get better?
remember everything you did wrong.

remember all the mistakes you made,
and all you'v learnt from them.

remember the past, move on and never go back.
Havet updated in a while... my computers been crashed... been using my sisters... so havent like done anything on my photo blog.. but now theres some new photos!!

Check it out... and comment!!

Today i had my 4 minutes to talk infront of a whole bunch of people, including staff at Mando, some serious (or high up) people, other patients and the health minister.
   There were 6 patients speaking... 4 of them were recovered i think.

I was the first to speak, and i was dead nervous so i spoke really fast and forgot half of what i was gonna say - Oh well.

But my case maanger was really supportive and the others told me that i did a god job, but i felt pretty shit, i kinda fucked up... haha... bt it was nothing serious anyway!!

And then some staff spoke, and one of them was my old case manager, Anna. (in HDV) and she said that her niece had had anorexia, but she hadnt got the helped she needed, so she had commited suicide,
   Anna was in tears while she spoke. I felt so sad listening to her, i realised how close i had been to death and    all the times i tried.
  My mum, and family had always told me how ego-istic it was to commit suicide, but i thought -My life. I can do what i want.
   But seeing Anna cry i realised how much it would have affected everyone i knew, if i had commited suicide... and i felt really bad.
   Almost in tears myself. :/

I then ate my morning snack and headed home.
   Not sure when im back there.... but this week i'll be in school. :/

But i can say... im looking forward to gym tomorrow. I want to run.

For some reason today... ive felt shit. I hate looking in the mirror. i feel HUGE today. I hate it.... :/

Usch usch usch.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Managed to drag myself out of bed and get things done.

Got up this morning still feeling shit. Didnt want to school but mum told me that she wouldn't let me stay home.
So it waa then to swallow some pain killers, drink some coffee and get ready.
School started at 10.10 and I would go after lunch as I had to go to Mando. So really I wasn't at school long.

Lunch went well today, I ate fish and potatoes. But the thing was that the girl I sat beside just got up and left me sitting there alone. - thanx bloody much. it's hard enough to be left sitting on your own for lunch without an ED.
But things went well. I mean at home I sometimes have to eat lunch/dinner on my own. So it wasn't a big thing to eat.

Also a strange thing happened today - did I mention that they're had been talk of weight and food last week?
Well today I had two girls come up to me and ask me my weight.
I just told them I don't know my weight.
But I got kinda shocked? I mean you don't just ask someone there weight? And do they want to know cus they think I'm big or small?
I don't know. I'm kinda stressing about it.

But anyway - I was glad to get out of there afte lunch.
I got a little bit of time at home before I headed off to Mando.

I only went yo Mando today because tomorrow I'm going to this meeting thing. They'll be the health minister, press, and other patients from Mando.
The staff from Mando are going to do presentations and then there's 6 patients who are going to talk. Some are healthy - some are still in treatment.

So today was just a talk through , so we know what we're going to do.

So tomorrow I'll be at Mando ....
I have 4
Minutes to talk - got to get practicing - hehe.
Nervous... But I think it will go OK. :)

Hope everyone's had a good Monday?
Damn the weekend goes by fast :)
And I found out today that I'm going to be the first of the 6 patients to speak - Ajhhhhh

Sunday, August 28, 2011

I belong.

For so long....

Its felt like i havent belonged.

I havent wanted to live....  sure, somedays i want to die.  But thats when im tired, its never anything real.

But before, i was so certain i wanted to die, i even tried a few times.. but never succeeded.
   I never felt i belonged, i felt unloved, unwanted, forgotten about.

I hated Mando, i hated being at home, i didnt want to be at school.

I didnt know where i belonged, where i should be, so i had decided that i shouldnt be at all.

But Today, i feel i belong.
   I like being at home (Of course it gets boring somedays, and somedays i threaten to leave/run away. But thats mainly cus i get frustrated.)
Ok, i hate Mando, thats not going to change, but its not the worst place to be, maybe the second worse... Hahaha. But i mean, for now... im not there too often, so its ok to be there a few hours, now and again, sit there and read a book or whatever... at the end of the day though, i would prefer to sit and read somewhere else though!!! haha
Ok school... well the one im in at the moment, isnt a favourite, but i mean... maybe another school will be better... where i wont mind staying a bit later to study, or whatever...
   you know... where i wont mind going.
At the moment, i hate getting up for school... but its not the worst place.

I feel i have soemwhere to be.

I have my own personal space at home, which im taking to my advantage. - Closing the door, loud music and being on my own... which does seem very anti - social.  :D

Living, isnt the worst thing as it once seemed... :)

You jsut got to get through the rough bits to see the sunshine... :)


How much of my life has been wasted?

I know ive wrote about it before, 
But it just seems like such a big thing,

How much of my life, my teenage years, have i wasted?

I was looking at some photos today
and i saw the difference.
This time, i wasnt looking at the difference in my body,
Yes, i have gone up in weight.
But also,
the smile on my face.
its not fake anymore.
So many photos, where my smile is faked,
where i can see the pain in my eyes.
I dont look happy, i dont look normal.
I look thin, blank, unhappy, dead?

For a while, i thought that looking thin was the best thing in the world,
the only thing.
I would have given up everything to be thin.
I would ahev done anything,
and in all honesty, i did.
I did the most unimaginable things to not eat,
but anyone with, or has had an eating disorder,
knows the lengths you'll go to to not have to eat.
Its crazy.

Today, i was thinking over things and for once i realised,
I dont regret making the choice to become healthy.
I have my ups and downs, somedays i hate my body,
somedays i can tell myself, that im loved and pretty.
Its normal.
But at the end of the day,
Im never going to do anything to destroy this,
to give up my 'healthy'.

Its too important to me.
To actually smile and mean it.
To live my life.

Enjoy life, 
enjoy eating sweets,
enjoy listening to music, not jsut emo music that drowns out the whole world,
i enjoy talking to my friends,
i love laughing.
I love taking photos,
making videos.
I love relaxing on my bed, reading a really good book.
I love having hte concentration to watch a film.

Im not going to destroy this,
so many years, so many years have been given to my eating disorder,
but not anymore.

I have my life again.
and i know for sure,
I have the control.

Anyone with an eating disorder, you wont know this feeling,
not until you've decided that you want to be healthy.
Not until you decide to not give anymore time to your ED.
Not until you finally enjoy life,
and realise that being healthy isnt as scary as it seems.

In fact, its soo much better.
(Maybe not everyday. I cant lie.
Life is life.)

I love looking at my recent photos and seeing the real smile.
Seeing me laughing, having fun.

Dont give anymore time to your ED.

At the end of the day,
you and ED cant live together.
Either you beat your ED, or it beats you.

^^^^Not the most flattering... but you get the point??^^^^Its a true smile!

The angst is ripping through me like a knife through butter.

The angst is ripping through me. My head is pounding.

Its not angst over food, i dont even know whats brought on this feeling.
   Its jsut general stress adn nerves and not feeling well.

I feel shit, i feel tired, i dont want to live.

But everyone is smiling and telling me i look so great, i dont look sick at all.
   Cant they see whats going on inside of me?
Cant they see the pain?

I want this to end, i want my whole world to end.
  I dont feel like living, i dont feel like carrying on....

I dont know why im like this... why all these thoughts are coming?
Maybe its jsut cus im feeling weak at the moment, at a low and now its like Anorexia is taking its chance, taking its chance to fight and try to conquer me again? I dont know.
   But i dont like it.

Im going to sleep, trying to let this moment, these thoughts just pass.
   I cant deal with them.

Saturday, August 27, 2011


I LOVE new shoes

I LOVE converse.



Hehehe... Ilove converse... and im so happy that my new ones have arrived!!
I bought them from schuh, i used to buy all my converse there, so was dissappointed when i couldnt buy my funky converse anywhere, but i saw that they shipped they're shoes.
 and i decided it was time for a new pair of converse!!
Im not one of those people that settles for just one colour...
I've never had jsut one colour converse,
they've always had some type of pattern or design :)

But dont think im some type of Bran girl, i really amnt.
I mean, i wear jsut normal clothes, no brands,
but converse is just the one brand i have to have.
I mean, i'll never buy fake converse.
Its the real deal or none... haha

Of course, i wouldnt say no to Gucci dress!! haha

I had a pair of blue sparkly converse before!!
And many others.. but no pictures!!

Sore and barely awake.

For some reason, having a cold has brought on a whole bunch of angst. :/
  After propping myself with calming tablets i've pretty much slept away the day.

I felt so tired, my head was thumping, my throat burning, i couldnt decide whether to follow with my mum and sister to the beach.. i mean.. it would be ling in the sun.. that craves no energy.
   But it felt so cold to me, i much preferred to be inside under the covers.

So i decided i would skip the beach, take an easy day for myself.

Ive slept pretty much all day, getting up only twice, once for my snack which included warm tea, which helped soothe the throat and the second time for dinner, which was Quorn meatballs and mashed potatoes.
   And then after dinner i fell asleep again... :) hehe

Now im awake, and feeling slightly better, but still dopey. (pills)
   i still feel tired... and in pain. :( Usch.

Hope im feeling better by tomorrow. :/ :/ :/

sick and tired.


did NOT want to wake up this morning. Tired as hell and my throat is burning, my body hurts and is tired and the worst headache.
i could easily kept sleeping, and i wish i did.
but i felt if i slept in then id end up missing breakfast. and at the moment i want i don't want to fuck up things. i need to show that my weight has gone up, instead of down.
yes im normal weight, normal size. so in all honesty, i dont understand why i have to go up in weight. :/

All i want to do today is lie in bed, under the covers.
sleep and watch movies with lots of cups of tea and vanilla ice cream for my throat.
have absolutely no appetite today. so just pressing the food into ne

hate being sick. :/

Im like stuffing.myself with pills today so that i i can go to school next week.
Y plans today are to lie in the sun. Fall asleep and not m move a muscle!!!

Haha. Damn i feel sick!!

i hope you all have a good weekend!!! :D

Friday, August 26, 2011

Just because i could.

Today.... you could call a disaster... but im not.
For lunch today, i got this really fishy fish and like dry, horrible rice. It wasnt nice at all.
  Half way through i gt the thought... i dont have to eat al of this. Theres not anyone whos going to tell me to finish the plate, no one whos going to comment or look at me strange.
   I dont think it was an anorectic thing.. but maybe it was?

Once i realized that i didnt have to finish it, i felt full... but i did already feel full, thats when i realized that it was ok to not finish the plate
  I dont know if that was a good thing or bad thing?

But  i dont think it was disastorous. I ate half of the plate.. :)

It wont be like that everyday... i know it wont be. Im not going to destroy this... but in the end... when im normal and healthy, then its ok to eat as much as i can handle. whether its 2 plates, or jsut a half plate...

heheh... i dont know... Im not losing control. You dont need to worry about me. Im not giving into anorexia.


things went well at Mando yesterday.
aside from the fact that i actually had lost a bit of weight. but apparently my weight has been going up and down the last two weeks.
She wasnt cross at me or anything. Which is a relief. she believe me that im doing everything right. which i am.
she just told me that as i don't use measures. i should like plate up/pour up what i think looks.right. and then add a little more. Just to make sure that things will look better next time.

but i also found put the.CRAP news that.
once im my deal goal weight. i still have to go up. i have to be reach my goal weight. the weight I'll be when im an adult to signs out by a doctor.
which absolutely sucks. because that means that there's another few.kills.o have to go up.
but i don't agree with that.

i refuse to go up those last kilos. im gonna stay at my deal goal weight.
i don't care. i mean. im a BMI of like 18/19 now. that's normal.
why do i have to go any higher?!

it really bugs me.

I dont really have to go back there next week, but as its this like meeting/ press conference thing on Tuesday, which im planning to go to, i get to speak a little about myself, about being sick and the treatment at Mando.
    So thats gonna be kinda cool.
Not so sure what to expect out of it...

I hope hough that next week things will be better with my wieght.


Thursday, August 25, 2011

I actually like my body.

I've accepted my body and im starting to like it. Yes, i can see flaws, im bigger then i want to be.
  But still... im geting used to it.  - Thats a start.

Today, i actually had s few people comment on how small i am... Ok, that i dont see. But i can see, that im not fat, not chubby either... normal.... not underweight or small, just normal.
   But it made me smile.. :) Because to me, i dont feel small, but if others think i am... they wouldnt just say that? and i mean.. these are people that dont know anything about my anorexia...

Some people even asked me what my weight was and for once, i could actually say , i dont care. I dont really know my weight and mean it... that i dont care. Im happy (well, of course i have mood swings.. angry at times, upset at times.. but the normal emotions) i have energy, im eating right, i have OK activity.... (im not full healthy... but i dont see what else there is?)
   So i just dont care about my weight.

I want to Quit Mando.... and just be like... i dont need you help. Because i can tell you, if they tel me that i need to go up in weight, i really will be dissappointed... but if im ok... than i mean, whatever?
For once... i dont care. I dont care about the number on my scale.

Im not using measurements anymore... and in alll honesty, ive forgotten what 2dl looks like... im just taking what i feel for, whether its more then the amount or less... my body should be settling itself...

No idea what to expect at Mando... i'' ll go there, and take what comes... and i suppose i'll write later...

Please wish me luck? But in all honesty.. i ve done what i should (no lies) so there shouldnt be anything to worry about.... but i always do.


And today was Sports day.

Looking forward to it? Kinda... i mean the running... when did i last run? But that also means that my body is stiff as hell. Hahah

Anyway. Back home now. Get to be here for half an hour before im off again.... uurrgghh... tired.
  Sports day was pretty good.
Not so sure which classes were there, but it was from the ages of 7 - 14, we all got divided into groups. and there were some games we played. And then at 10.30 we had lunch - Early. Very. But i was hungry do i didnt mind.

Actually this morning, i decided, i wasnt going to eat my snack with my breakfast. So on the way to the school, i bought this like toffee bar thing, but it wasnt enough  calories, so i also bought this smoothie.
   And it went really well to eat, i ate as i walked and i didnt think anything about it.

You might not realise how big that is, but it is. Ive never been comfortable eating my snack out, on my own. I did it once, but it resulted in me having to go into a changing room, sitting down, eating... kinda a fail in a way!!
   So im really proud of myself!!!
Next step is to be able to eat my snack infront of other people.... thats gonna be hard!!! :?

Lunch anyway was a sandwich and Pepsi MAX. :) Maybe not enough.... but sure.. we had to pack our own lunches. And mum said it would be ok.
And then after lunch i played basketball.... My favourite sport!! I was on the school team in Ireland, one of hte bes (if i say so myself) in the team. But i did  have a problm.. i mean i went training 2-3 times a week and 2-3 matches per week... so maybe it might not ahev been the best idea.
   But it went fine.

Infact... i havent got any funny thoughts about exercise... which is good. But i still dont think im gonna tell my case manager about sports day today....

I played basketball for about 20 minutes... against 7-14 year olds.. and i scored 4 times!!! :) hehe

Finally after a few more games, i got to drag myself home... Relief!!
It feels good to have moved though, to feel my heart racing, the blood pumping!!
  Such a good feeling, but i am tired now... :)

I wish i had some photos to upload, but as i dont really anyone, and didnt do too much talking, or socialzing, theres no photos... haha :)


now its time to drag myself to Mando.

Usch a week with out Mando. and today i have to haul my ass over there. :/ Not rid of the place yet. so it has to be done.

i just how everythings gone well. i mean this is what im supposed to be able to do. go weeks without Mando. go to school. do normal things. and keep my weight.
the thing. everythings gone fine. eaten all my meals . np arguments. relaxed. or its been a 50/50 activity - relaxing. which is the way its be.
but my weight doesnt always agree. :/

really nervous. i always get nervous before i get weighed
either cus ive lost weight or because I've gained too much.

Have a good day everyone! Nearly the weekend - Thank God!!!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Well, school sucks.

You'd think that good things would start happening for me soon. But no. not really.
im kinda starting to think - what's the point?-

school sucked today. not even gonna get into it. mainly that I've been on my own all day. kinda sums it up.

but i spoke to mum yesterday and we've decided to look for a new school for me. because i expect I'll be depressed by winter if i keep going to the school im at now.
at the moment we're gonna see if this Swedish school which is just 5 mins from our apartment. if they have a place.
i dont have high expectations. but im thinking. it can't get any worse, can it?:)
and i mean they'll be people there that i hope i.get along with
we haven't heard anything. so don't know yet. :/

hate waking up. i mean this is my 3rd day.:/ not so sure what to say to my case manager tomorrow. i mean. id prefer to be at Mando. and that's BAD.
but i think I'll go to this school until i know more. until I've got a place else where.

tomorrow its sports day. i think it'll suck.
i don't even know if im allowed. but whatever.
i feel so lazy though. haven't done any sports for about 2 years now. :/ but i love running and sports. i just need to get into the swing of it.
but i feel so stiff. my bodys not used to activity.

and then tomorrow to top off most probably a shit day I'll have to go to Mando. Usch .
i don't know what ill say. actually kinda worried about my weight. so yesterday. today and tomorrow im gonna take an.extra energy drink. Usch.
but its better that than being told that I've lost weight and can't go to school. (i mean i done want to go to the school im at now.. but i want to change school and go to that school. so i dont want ot be told that i cant go.)

Thats about it for now.... kinda dreading tomorrow. :/
   Have no idea what to expect.

Hope you've all had a good day!!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Updated my 'myself page.'

There shouldnt be any typos now, and its more up to date!!

When i get roudn to it, i'll add some photos aswell!!

Read it, if you want... but theres alot, i warn you!!

Go here.
Lunch went fine today. - if anyone cared.
   You basically get served a plate of food, either meat or vegetarian. I choose veegtarian.
  The portion wasnt that big... but sure, what can i do about that?

Usch... school. Well.. its safe to say. I want to change.
   I dont like the school - not one bit.

Yes it may sound stupid, i've jsut started, and i mean... dont all teenagers hate school? But its not the school work. its the school. the people.

I mean, the students are mostly from diferent countries, which i dont have a problem with, but that means that at the moment, some of them are fasting, due to there religion. so basically out of my class of 9 (Yes... only 9.) there was like 4 of us who ate... Yes.... thats jsut perfect.
   Ana was jsut screaming at me Dont eat. the others dont have to.

And also... im oldest (due to the fact that i was held back last year.) the other are 2 years younger then me and seem so immature.
   I cant handle it. I really cant. On the way home i was nearly in tears and when i got home, i jsut cried.

At the moment im thinking, Mando is better then this. and the thought of starving myself has come up. I know its stupid.
  I wan tot go to school, just not this schhool.

I dont think theres much to do about it.
  But i have a feeling that i'll be coming home crying. :/

Fuck my life.

Just having a bad time. But the eatings going well, apart from these thoughts popping up now as im under stress and im nervous. :/

Monday, August 22, 2011

i would rather eat a carrot then a cinnamon bun.

I still get these queesy feelings about junk food.
   Even somedays im like... No... im not going to eat bread. I dont want carbs.
Sounds pathetic right?

I mean.. i enjoy food. I can eat a pasta dish and be like, Damn this is nice. But still some days im like. No.
  All i want to eat today is fruit.
 Of course, at the moment its not possible.

I wish i didnt get these type of thoughts, I mean, they're not always there. Somedays im like, I really want ice cream. A normal teenager.. But somedays Anorexia kicks in, and i feel sick thinking about eaint something like an ice cream. It varies.
 Yes please!

No thanx. 

Its not aways like that. But i do still get funny feelins about junk food and so.
I still havent eaten crisps or chocolate.
Burgers, fries.
But is that necessary to eat to actually get healthy?

errrrmmm? Help?

i wont do it again - im sorry.

One little mistake. and people are acting like its the end of the world.
maybe its cus i keep repeating the same mistake. i never seem to learn. I keep telling myself and everyone else.i wont 'do it again. but i never learn. i don't know what my problem is
ive just got to pick myself up and carry on.

i can't dwell on what's already happened.

But im sorry. so sorry.

My school

Considering i was only in school for a half hour, theres not much to write!! haha

It seems good. or as good as school is. Its a small school. theres roughyl 10 people in my class - Yes... very small.

I didnt make any connections today. But it was mainly roll call today.
  For this week i'll be there 9am till 2pm... but next week my time table starts. Its different times each day, but Wednesday is the longest. 8am till 4pm.- Suck!! haha

Let me see..... Well things went well. Not so much to write really.
   I suppose i'll update tomorrow, or later in the week. Write a bit more about my school and all that.
  Im jsut hoping i'll make friends. Cus ive gone like a whole year with out friends. I actually feel a bit anti - social in all honesty!!! Got to get used to people!!!


I cant deal with stress.

Ive realised how bad i am with stress.
I mean. I really cant handle it.
Stress. Panic. Nerves.
 I mean its natural.
Everyone gets stressed and scared, nervous.
But when i do.
Thats when all these thoughts come.
I mean, jsut as we were going to leave the house i started getting stressed and nervous.
And thats when i started to panic
and suddenly i hated what  i was wearing.
how i looked.
my hair.
my body.
Everything was wrong with me.
And it was jsut cus i got stressed,
but once i thought logically i realised.
There was nothing to stress about.
and then i was fine.

When the thoughts and all that come, thats when i really look at myself,
and i start critiszing myself.
Hating myself.
I'll jsut stare into the mirror,
notcing my dry hair, the fine blond hair thats on my hands or on my face (ffrom being ot skinny) the nails that are bitten.
I start critisizing, things that nobody else woud notice or pay any attention to.

Usch, but the thing is... you cant avoid stress. and i get so easily nervous and panicked....
And school wont help anything.... :/
Something i just got to learn to control.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

school tomorrow

Tomorrow my first day of school.

safe to say im nervous. but i think things vill go well.

not sure what to expect. but i mean. school :)

for this first week. Im hoping to be at school full time.
but to be on the safe side. Im gonna eat my snack with breakfast.
ill be at bursting point. but at least i get the food in me.

wish me luck tomorrow!!

ill update when Im back!!!:)

Thank You Mr schwarzkopf

Just an average day.

decided to Dye my hair blonder !!!

haha. - average day! :)

what more can i do?

Why is there always someone.
someone who doesn't believe me. doesn't trust me. wants to bring me down.

i feel I've proved myself. im doing and done right. i haven't cheated since like Easter.(before i got admitted again)

About 70% of the people trust me. But the other 30% are the ones who are waiting for me up. instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt.
Yes. it hasn't always gone right. and yes. I've sucked up too many times to count.
but can't you see me for who i am now. not who i was before. I've changed. im not the sick girl who would do anything. lie, cheat to not have to eat.
im not like that anymore.

its like they're waiting for me to just start.doing everything wrong.

its like. will they even believe me, believe im healthy when the doctor finally says i am?

its like. in there eyes. I'll always be sick.
no matter what i do. but I've decided. im not going to deal with them.
im not going to get angry. they can think what they want. but i know the truth.
why should they bring me down? Make me feel less. make me rethink everything.

I'll leave them to themselves. and ill get on with my own life.

if they don't believe me. they don't need to be around me.

Not the way we planned.

So yesterday evening wasn't quite like we planned.
instead.of going to a cafe.
me and my sister instead bought sweets . (natural sweets for me) and then wandered home!!!
it would have been cosy to go to a cafe. but sure!!!:)

Saturday, August 20, 2011

less anorexia. more life?

This blog is starting to be less about anorexia. and more about my life.

trust me. im not complaining!!

i much prefer this than being stuck, 24/7 in an eating clinic.

i think this blog shows that you can actually get better.
that you dont always have to be sick!! :)

going from spending practically a whole year in an eating clinic. To now - loving my li
Fe. practically.

im not saying im fully healthy. but close to!!!:(

Please don't be scared to comment or make contact. whether you're sick, recovered or healthy.

i love hearing from all of you!!!:)

kvalls fika i stan.

My plans for this evening are to head out to town with my sister and her boyfriend. meet a friend and then go out for a coffee :)
sounds nice and cosy. Not looking forward to heading out in the rain. but sitting in a cosy cafe will be nice!!

and i mean, it means i get out of the house a little it now means to get out of my sweats. put on something else and put on make up. - so much for my lazy day at home - haha

hope you all have a good day!!!! :)

Its raining outside.

Went for a 2 hours walk with my mum & dog in the pouring rain.
Time for some warm sandwiches or something now. ;)