Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Thursday, July 14, 2011

This isnt what i want.

***Might not want to read. might trigger.****

I look at myself
and hate it all.
What has become of me?
My body.
Why am i so normal?
Im like some fat beast.
Some monster.
How can i relax?
How can i eat?
How cna people look at me and not reel back in disgust.
Im horrible.
I hate myself.
My body.
My size.
My weight.
I hate
My legs.arms.thighs.hips.arms.hair.nails.teeth.skin and everything else.
I've changed.
Can you even call me anorexic anymore.
People would laugh at me if i said i had an ED.
With the amount i eat,
and how big i am.
Its not even possible.

Im no longer thin.
Where have all the ED thoughts gone?
Im no longer pale and bony.
No longer pretty.
im eveyrthing Wrong. 
nothing right.

I dont understand whts happening to me,
I can hear this voice in my head.
Telling me im fat.
I want to listen.
I want to turn around,
walk down the same path.
Go back to my past
and be thin,
but never let anyone know.
Let it be my  little secret.
Hide away from people.
Be on my own.
Not eating.
Being happy.

I dont want to eat.
I dont want to look at this.
I dont want to wake up and know that i have to live through the day

Why am  i going through this?

I lok at my body, and just want to cut it all away.
Try to get rid of it all.
I dont need it.
I dont need a life.
Someone else im sure wants a life much more then me.
Im not worth one.

I want to hide away.
From everyone and eveyrthing.
My mind.
But mainly,
my body.
i want to lock  my body away in a closet and forget about it
I wish i didnt have to look down at my body in disgust each morning
 and wish i was something else.
Someone else.
If only i could be somewhere else.

Right now.
Im not doing good.
Im having one of those moments where i wish i was someone or soemthing else.
Not me.

All thse thin girls, claiming their not big.
Claiming they have no problems.
if they're not big/fat. then i must be
Obese.
I dont need a place here.
I need a place at some weightloss clinic.
I cant be at home.
And i cant be here.

Where on Earth am i meant to be?


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