Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Sunday, July 10, 2011

the sun doesn't shine forever

Hello and good evening :)
Good weekend, anybody? I've had an ok time.

My morning started off as the usual, breakfast, and then a bit later my morning snack. And then later my mum, sister and aunt came and picked me up and we drove to this beach.
   It didnt look much like beach weather. it was raining and there was only grey clouds, no sunshine. So i wasnt ecstatic about being stuck at the beach when it was raining.
   But when we arrived the sun started to show itself :)







We ate pasta salad with peas and prawns for lunch. I then wwent off taking photos while the others lay in the cold (the sun had dissappeared.)


 
I was then brave enough to get into the water and swim, and then my sister follwoed me in... we lasted all about 7 minutes :)





When it started to rain again we headed back to the car and drove to this near by castle where we stopped and had some cake.
   Me - i took an orange pie with custard, the others took chocolate cake and raspberry pie



After that we went for a small walk and then we drove home.






I didnt think i would have a good time at the beach, but i did.... :)

However, when i was at home, things turned a bit funny.
   Got into an arguement with mum just before dinner, (it wasnt about food.... other reasons.)
And then all these thoughts came back. and while i sat there at the table, all these bad thoughts in my head, angry at my mum, i didnt want to sit there any longer. i jsut wanted to go back to Mando.
   Mando is my comfort now. I would haev preferred to be there instead.
Th food that mum had made wasnt at all appetizing. it was drenched in oil, which made hte thoughts even louder and i was about to cause a hiss and walk away, refuse to eat.
   But i got so cross at myself. i couldnt let this happen, this would be falling back to my old ways. So i just plated up; the food, and ate in 5 minutes flat. I just wanted to get the food in me and get away from mum and the table.
   I then sat there crying. Not over the food, but how i could have slipped, for just a few moments. had the thoughts of walking away.
 
I DONT WANT TO RELAPSE. i CANT.
  I dont have a choice anymore. i have to get better. and it feels like, when i slip up, just the tinsiest. like have thoughts of giving up, i have to punish myself. (I dont. ive stopped self harmming) buts its so much pressure on me.

And then later got into an argument with mum again, she thinks im relapsing. letting Ana take over me. Because when i drink tea, i dont add milk....? and when we had the cake today, i didnt take the HUGE raspberry pie or chocolate cake like the others, she claims i took the tiniest piece of cake there was in... in fact i didnt. i wanted the orange cake... but it jsut so happend that it was smaller then the others.
   But whatever, im not gonna get into it. I dont even know what i think anymore, or what Ana is controlling me? its all so confusing.
   I cant even tell if im relpsing? am i getting worse and not even realising? i never realised before?

After that i jsut wanted to get back to Mando. i couldnt stand being at home. i wanted to get away. which is wrong. thats how it was before, but i never wanted to go to Mando???
    I should want to be at home, but now it jsut feels like maybe i dont? I know thigns cant go perfect all the time.... but ive been told, They have to.
   I ate all my meals, even though i was angry and upset, that didnt stop me from eating, even though i wanted to.
  So i mean, thats what counts?

Ughhhh... im sorry, now ive just been blabbering.... but i have all these thoughts stuck inside of me and i dont know who to talk to. I can get so angry with my mum, how she can just look at me and i dont know what shes thinking, or how she can miss doubt me, or have these thoughts but not say anything, and i feel like im about to explode from worrying and stress.


   My mums the only one i talk to, and i dont even say eveyrthing to her, and when its her im mad at, then i have no one to talk to... i jsut have to carry around all the feelings and thoughts, and sometimes it just gets too much..... 

Not so sure how next week will be... good... i hope. But somehow it always seems to suck... :/












1 comment:

  1. Åh, var ni vid Tyresö slott? Jag älskar det stället! Slottsparken och havet.
    Det ligger jättenära hemifrån mig ;)

    Kram

    ReplyDelete