Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Numbers are a scary thing.

Theres algebra, equations, maths, bills, taxes, age, measurements, and then theres the weighing scales.

Why does the number that stands on the weighing scales scare me so much and give me so much angst?
   It tears me apart. and i know... that everytime i sneakily weigh myself... I have to pay the consequences.

So was at the CF clinic (My other sickness - Cystic fibrosis. affects my lungs and stomach... you can read more about it on my page. [but its SHIT boring. :D]) and the weighing scales, stood there, in the room, unwatched.
I jsut couldnt resist. I had to know.

So i went in.. with my shoes and clothes on, had jsut eaten lunch and stepped on the scale.
  I wasnt happy.

I can say... its over 50kg... which i alreayd knew. but seeing the number written there on the scales. it gave me all these bad thoughts... i wished i could jsut run. right there and then. turn my back on all of this. who would know wherei had run to? i could hde forever and never be found.

Just because of the numbers that stodd on the screen.

I can atleast say im near my part goal wieght. 55kg. (Oh GOSH. thats alot?)
   We're supposed to talk about my wieght when ive reached 55kg. and if i say thigns work out, then i might be able to try to keep that wieght, instead of going up?
   I dont know. i dont trust them to tell me when im 55. and thats the worst part. that i dont trsut them to do thei job.
  i believe they'll let me gain all the weight until im 60kg and more... ill never stop gaining.. i'll jsut keep going up and up?)

And thats what scares me most.

Anyone who has recovered from anorexia - when and how were you told that you had reached your goalweight? anyone from Mando...? or any other clinic.
   How was your reaction? had you talked about it already. what did you do once you had gained your goalweight? Cus i mean... my meal plan is set so that i gain weight... but how do they change it so i maintain the weight?

I dont know. i dont trsut the staff or dietitian here.
   I was told that my body would sort itself out. that it would jsut automatically maintain the weight. but i dont believe it. i have such a high mealplan, includng energy drinks, that its impossible for me to not gain weight?

Im scared and im worried. was it better to jsut belive that i was 45kg? then to know my real weight?

I dont know.. i jsut have to deal with this angst and panic, because once again, it was my own fault for stepping on the scales.

I jsut wish my life wasnt ruled by numbers. Im starting to like my body, eveyrones telling me how good i look, and i feel really good. i have energy... isnt that enough? why do i have to gain more Kilos?

I dont know... im sorry for this post... its just me trying to get things out of my system... and also id like some answers, or support form anyone whos gnoe through this before?


1 comment:

  1. Jag fick veta av min behandlare att jag var nära min målvikt först och sen (några veckor senare) att jag legat stabilt på den ett tag. Bara att veta att jag nått målvikten fick mig först att känna mig tjockare, men sen var det en lättnad också. Jag behövde ju inte gå upp mer, utan kunde jobba på att acceptera min friska vikt istället :)

    För mig tog de bort matschemat innan jag nått målvikten och lät mig lyssna på kroppen och lita på att den visste vilken vikt jag skulle ligga på. Dock stannade jag på en vikt under målvikten så jag fick ta näringsdrycket för att hjälpa kroppen på traven.

    Till mig sa de också att jag bara gick upp av matschemat för att jag var underviktig, men att jag skulle behålla en stabil vikt sen när jag nått min målvikt trots att jag fortsatte äta lika mycket. Dock hade jag ju som sagt inget matschema när jag nått målvikten utan åt som jag själv ville utifrån kroppens signaler.

    Var också rädd i början för att jag bara skulle gå upp och upp när jag åt efter schemat eller kroppens signaler, men jag ligger nu på samma vikt oavsett om jag äter mer i perioder. Ligger till och med i underkant av målvikten. Mando ville att jag skulle upp til en viss vikt och jag nådde dit flera gånger med hjälp av näringsdrycker, men så fort jag tog bort dem så lade sig vikten lite lägre igen. Jag har alltså aldrig gått över min målvikt ;)