Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Saturday, July 9, 2011

9 June

Yesterday was kinda stressed, or more.... i got angry.

I didnt know what to do. whether we should go for picnic ro drive straight home, whether mum come straight after my snack or she comes much later.... i just didnt know and i was getting so stressed and angry about.
   We finally decided that mum would come straight after my afternoon snack and we'd see what we'd do.

We went to a nearby forest where there was a lake which you could swim in.  
    It didnt take me long to get into the water.... even though at first i refused as i felt so self conscience with my bikini on. My belly was huge as i had just eaten, and everything else with my body was WRONG! but im not going to go into that.. cus i could complain forever.

In all honesty, i dont even know if im allowed to swim yet? I dont how much activity im allowed, but as long as i dont lose weight, then i dont see what the problem is?

^^mum took the pictures. and she didnt know how to change the settings. so they were taken in sepia and werent zoomed in.... urrrgghhh - cant rely on anyone else to take pictures??? :D :P ^^

We then went food shopping where we spent an hour or so just browsing, and we even tried four different flavours of free yoghurt samples!! 
   Did i ever think i would try a tester sample, something extra over my meal plan?No.... but in all honesty it was just a small spoonful - but its something :)

We then drove home where mum cooked a prawn curry with rice.
   And then for my night snack i ate natural sweets and watched over some old childrens films with my mum and sister.

Last night was the first time i slept 8 hours, and i didnt wake up every hour or so... so i can say that i slept really well.
   And also, i got up later then usual as i didndt have to get ready for the day. and i didnt even feel stressed over it.

Im still into my routines and if something goes different from what i had planned or expected, or isnt in my usual routine, i can get panicked and stressed... which is very much the sickness.
And then this morning for breakfast went really well.
   When i got back to Mando though, i spoke to my case manager, and i have a fair bit planned for the next week, im allowed to do more stuff, and hopefully a 24 hours, which im really glad about.
   But i ended up crying, jsut because i found it annoying to be back. and really, i didnt want to speak to my case manager. and she was jsut keeping me there, asking all these questions.... i just dont like her.
   So my personality changed. i sat look down at my hands, not answering questions and cried..... Not so good.
   she kept asking if soemthing had happened at home. which really it hadnt, for once. but its hard ot believe me when i sit there crying.
   so kinda worried.....?? i dont want them to think that somethings happend, because really it hasnt. its cus im back.

And i dont even know if im allowed home or not tomorrow. :O Hvae to wait and see....


  1. That sounds like a really nice day :) I really hope they let you go to that theme park next week, it sounds like a lot of fun! And I think you look really pretty, it's so much better than when you were having more troubles with eating. Like, in that post with the comparison from Easter to now? I think it was a couple days ago? You look so much prettier in the picture of you now. And you are definitely NOT fat :) I think you look skinny still, but a good amount of skinny if you know what I mean :)

    I've been really bad about commenting the past few days, I feel bad about it :/ But I always read, every day, except if I'm away on a trip or something :) a lot of the time though I'm just so tired or preoccupied or busy to put energy into writing a good comment. But anyways... so at my grandma's house, my eating patterns were extremely normal. But I was noticing things about my body that have changed since I've started eating pretty normally again, and I don't like it at all, all I see is fat fat fat everywhere. So once we got home I was pretty much right back to my old ways, the past few days I've just been eating dinner, maybe have a fruit during the day or something. And I'm back to counting calories again, it surprised me how easily it was to go back to that, after a day I was right back in the routine again. So I'm not sure where this will lead.

    Other than that not much has been happening recently.. I've been practicing flute like crazy, I'm now required to do 2 hours every day but I often do more, and I have flute camp in a couple weeks, it's 48 or so flute players from around the world and you had to apply to get in :D So that's really important and I have to prepare a ton for that. And on Wednesday when we were driving back home from my grandma's, we stopped by this gigantic store called Ikea, it's a Swedish company with mostly like furniture type stuff, and it also has some other things, like a Swedish food market :) So that was a TON of fun, and I was happy to be able to recognize some of the words and such :) haha. And we got lots of yummy Swedish food :D not that I've eaten much of it...

    And today I went to one of my friend's birthday parties, it was a pool party so we were in swimsuits, I was really stressing about it but it was a fun party. And I got lots of sunburns :) haha. I got a sunburn a week ago when I went out with my friend, and then another one in the same place yesterday, and then I got another in the same place again today... haha. It's a little painful :) And I was really anxious about the cake, but it was really good, they did this amazing seven layer cake with each layer a color in the rainbow. And I didn't have too much anxiety, especially since I'd been swimming all afternoon, but still a little of course.

    So tomorrow I have lots of flute playing, I have a two hour sectional in the morning for school band and then I practice on my own for two hours at home and then I go up for my lesson which is another hour.. :) And on Monday we're going camping with a group of friends, but it's only one night, coming back on Tuesday. That's pretty much all that's been going on with me lately :) Hope you don't get bored by my extremely long comments about my life :) haha. Hoping things are well with you :)

  2. Hello :) Aww... thank you. Dont feel skinny at all, but not much i can do about that. just have to learn to accep it. :/
    Made a new comparison now. July 2010 - July 2011. 1 year at Mando.

    Hahah... dont feel bad about it. but i do love when i get comments :) And long ones as well :) hihi...

    Soudns good with the flute camp?
    Is flute something you want to do proffessionally?

    Yeah, i know Ikea :) Been there loads :) The food is pretty, good... try little bits :) Taste a bit of Sweden... haha :)

    Sounds good that you tasted a little? or?
    Love swimming... been in the water a couple of times now. its so relaxing, but of course, i do think about swimming as activity and weihtloss, so maybe thats not a good thing?

    Sounds like alot of flute??? :O
    Is it a wooden flute or one of thoose silver ones? Just wondering.... :) hehe

    No, dont worry i dont get bored, i like reading the comments :)
    Hope things get better for you... :) Somehow start to eat normally again

    It seemed good while you were away? Its so hard to come back to a place where youve had all these routines and then to try to start new and not fall back..... :/

    Wishing you luck