Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Friday, July 15, 2011

I could take the easy way.

Wouldnt it just be easier to give up,
give in.
Whats the point in fighting?
Is it ever going to end?
its just one big rolercoaster
and things have been going well,
speeding on ahead,
and they're still going well.
But im gettting doubts.
These thoughts of giving up.
Whats the point in life?
Whats the point in living.

At the moment i hate my body so much,
and its making each day painful.
Making me worry about going home.
Having these thoughts,
these controlling thoughts?
I no longer want to drink energy drinks.
I want to get the bottles and pour them down the sink.
I want to throw the food against the wall,
refuse to eat 
and never let anymore past my lips.

But its impossible
and what would be the point in it?
Where would i be putting myself then?

All of this has come on because im starting to think about my future.
Me becoming a day patient,
who says the same thing wont happen again.
Each time i said, 
ill do it right, 
i wont cheat.
But i did. 
and who says i wont do it again.
theres no secure answer.
No one can tell me that things will work.
What if they dont.

And its got me worried
whats the point in chancing things...
what if thigns go wrong?

But i feel awful staying here.
The way everyone looks at me,
it makes me want to cry.
Im not thin,
hardly anorexic.
Yes - i want to be anorexic.
I cant let that bit go.

I feel like im at the last stage.
The stage where its either

  • Give up everything ive fought for and start everything again

  • Just carry on forwards, and let go of this very last bit of anorexia.
And i dont know which one im choosing.
Am i gonna let go once and for all,
or will i silently and more deadly start to lose weight?
I dont know.

My mind id telling me hat now is my chance to lose all this wieght,
Ive got evyerone where i want them.
They trust me.

But what would be the point in cheating.
I dont want to cheat.
I dont want to end up as bad as i was before,
to prolong this sickness

But its not easy to just let go.

Im jsut one big mess at the moment.
I dont know what im thinking, or what im gonna do.

But at the moment i hate myself and having major low self esteem.
Im gonna avoid the mirror, avoid anything reflective.
Wear something baggy and potatoe sack like
And try to push past all of this
And just carry on the way ive been doing.