Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Sunday, July 31, 2011

When Panic hits.

Ok, so the weekend has gone really well!! :)

Saturday was spent cleaning, taking my dog for a walk, and generally taking care of myself - washing my hair, face mask, shaving my legs, etc etc!!
Today Sunday, as the weather was sooooo good me and mum decided to go to a beach... get a bit of colour :)
  My mum hasnt had the time to go food shopping since we came back from the country so the cupboards and refridgerator are pretty empty, so for lunch it was beans on toast.... ? Kinda nice to not have a proper cooked, potatoes and fish kinda thing. :) For dinner, cooked is fine, but lunch... it jsut feels too much? I dunno.
  And then for my afternoon snack there wasnt much either, so we had to stop at a shop on the way to the beach.
  But it jsut so happend that there was no shops, only one small little food butik, or whatever you want to call it.

I had no idea what i wanted, it hadnt ben long since i had ate lunch so i didnt feel hungry for anything.

When i went into the shop, even though it was tiny i wondered around adn around trying to find something i wanted.... no naturel sweets, which is one thing which im ok with eating. It was basically buying muffins/crisps/chocolate or ice cream. None of which i wanted.

I first bought muffins, but once i got out of the shop i didnt want the muffins. I had seen the GDA, and it jsut seemed too much. and i started getting all this panic.
   Mum said that if i really didnt want them thten i could go and change. But when i  went in again, i had no idea what i wanted and i started getting all panicky, mum came in to try to help me choose.
   Im usually good with it, i can choose what i want. but today i just wasnt hungry, and there was nothing i wanted.

I then made a snap decision, i took a chocolate bar, thinking id test myself. Marabou - strawberry cheesecake.
  But once i was in the car i saw the calorie content of the bar, and suddenly  i was freaking out.
It wasnt the chocolate that was scaring me, it was the number that stood on the wrapper.

I hate it, i want to buy food with out seeing the GDA, thats what puts me off.
  I know how much it is, but seeing it written makes it worse.

Thats why i can eat natural sweets/popcorn. I know how many calories it is im eating, but its not written on the front making it easier to eat.
  While we were on the beach i broke down, there was so much panic... and so much angst. i just couldnt eat the chocolate, i was lying there trying to convince myself to, knowing that i should. But i just couldnt get the GDA out of my head.
    I told mum that i couldnt eat it, she understoood, just how she understood that i found it hard in the shop, in the end i ate her sandwich and the banana which she had packed for herself and she ate the chocolate.

I kinda wish i had eaten the chocolate, but at the same time im glad i didnt. its the number that bothers me.

Thats like a Risifrutti, (not sure what to say in english???) is the same as yoghurt and cereal. but id much rather eat the yoghurt and cereal because it doesnt have the calorie content splayed across the package, even though i know its the same....??

Does anyone understand me?

It might help people who are trying to lose weight to see the calorie content, but it sure as Hell doesnt help people with eating disorders. :(

And then its back to Mando tonight. :(
   Hopefully next weeek i become a day patient... i dont think i can manage much more of inpatients.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

I know its wrong, but it feels so good.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

I know.... its wrong. 

Im not falling into anorexia, but it jsut so happens, im my goal weight, or i suppose i am?
   But i can look in the mirror, look at my body, and instead of hearing these awful comments, my mind telling me how horrible and fat i am, how worthless i am.

I smile, and tell myself, im pretty, and you know what? You´re thin!!!

How long has it been since ive looked at myself and told myself im pretty, how long has it been since ive felt thin? No fricking idea.
   But i like it. Knowing that im not underweight, im not sick, i dont have any Ana thoughts (or not at the moment) but i still like my body, and this time, i dont think i need to lose weight ot look pretty, to be happy.

I like the way i am!!

the truth

what i write this time, its the truth, I cant say thats what ive wrote all the time.

I suppose thats just part of the illness. But this time, what i write is whats happening, the truth.

If i feel like shit, i write it out in one of those depressing posts, if i  feel great and everythings going well, then i write it out!!

So this time you can trust me, im getting better, things are going well!!!



ive only just set up!! but i'll start posting there once i get time

You're words make me smile!

After ALOT of confusion this morning and me persisting that i go home.
  Im allowed homee!

Basically it was that this one staff told me that i wasnt allowed home for te wekend, as my case manager hadnt wrote anything in my file.
  But that just seemed wrong, why should i stay here if hings work at home, and aslong as my wiehgt is ok, aswell.
  She kept telling me that id be here, i wasnt allowed home, but it felt wrong so i kept persisting and inn the end i asked another staff if she wuld let me go home.

The two staff sat me down and told me that my weight was good, (which is really good!! I was nervous!) and that i was mving forward and that they didnt see any reason why i should be here.
   The the other staff checked my file and she saw that my case manager had actually wrote that aslong as my weight was OK,then i could go home!


I dont know what i would have done if i was here all weekend?
  And im glad i didnt give up, if i had just said ok, i'll be here, then i wouldnt have gotten to go home :)

Hoping things go well at Home,and hopefully next week i become a day patient then? :)

Hope eveyrone has a good weekend :):):)

Friday, July 29, 2011

summer in the country.

Queen Wasp decided to show up in our little cottage! -SCARY!

Loves eating blueberries - Queer Dog? Yes... 

Saw a snake. :o

a bird decided to fly into our cottage.