Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Thursday, June 30, 2011

inspiring video

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/eatingdisorders/Pages/videohowwerecovered.aspx

^^^Couldnt put the actual video onto my blog, but follow the link and watch the film.^^

I can relate to everything the girls are saing, and if you have or had an ED aswell, i think you'll be able to aswell.
  But listening to what they're saying, has really inspired me.

Ive had a few moments of doubt, wondering if i should continue fighting, is it really worth it? And also i feel, ive become slightly slack..... like im getting comfortable. starting bad routines.
    But i want to get better an get healthy, but at the moment, im not putting in the 110% necessary.

***I do just have to mention.... and point out. When you look at thoose girls.... they're not fat at all. and they're recovered. i hve  try to get that picture into my head.... th doctors arent going to make me fat or make me gain unnecessary weight.... im just gonna be normal.

I dont have any other choice - things HAVE to work.

Just updating you - It went well to eat the muffin. No second thought. no angst thoughts. no guilt. Infact... the muffin was tasteless.......

But after i had eaten.. my mind start telling - If you eat loads of muffins... eventualy you'll end up with a muffin top.
   Oh look - you're already on the way there.


And for the long hour meeting.... with LOADS of people, we talked through my options, and we settled on, i'll sty at Mando, but start getting more time at home, to see if it works or not.
   But if it doesnt work, me and mum WILL have to be admitted to the family unit...

But what we also got told was that, there was a person from social services there, and they're worried about me.
  Because when ive been home, and lost weight, i dont just lose a kilo a week.... or i rush down in weight.

Over the christmas break i lost 6-7kg in the 3 weeks i was away.
  And then over Easter, in just 5 days, i lost 5kg and before that, over a weekend, i had lost 2kg.

So social services think  that theres soemthing funny going on... how i can lose so much wieght in such a little time.
  They're telling me that its life or death that i could easily die if i start losing weight so quickly.
 And they were making a huge deal out of it. I found it hard to not laugh.... but i knew i couldnt.

The reason  i lost weight so quickly was that.... i didnt eat. 5 days.no food. no sitting. over exercising.
   Thats the reason. mum tried to help, but i pushed her away. and also, my CF was bad, i had a chest infection so that takes even more energy out of me.
  Thats the reason... not soemthing else. and mum tried to help, she didnt ignore me. it was me who pushed her away.
    If seh came to close i locked myself away and self harmed, even threatening to kill myself or OD, and i would have.... thats how sick i was. mum was scared and worried that if she ushed me to hard, i would do something drastic.
 
So i hate when everyones making a bigger deal out of this, then it is. and that they're putting the blame on mum...

Also, im not so sure if they believe me or not that i really want to get better. They think this is an act... that the second i get out, i'll start everything again.
   But its not true. im working my hardest. I may not be perfect everyday... but who is?
  So that annoyed me, i mean... everytime i went home, i didnt have the intention to lose weight, i just couldnt manage.

But i've been told, if i go home, and things go badly. Social services will step in, and i  wont be allowed home. ill have to go somewehre else.... there telling em that its dangerous.

Now im scared and worried. im not going to do anything wrong. im not going to cheat. im not going to come back to inpatients.
   But i mean... how can it come to this? that i might not be allowed home??? its sick and its wrong.

How could i be so stupid? of course, i didnt know the consequences of my actions, but still...

Somedays, like today, i just wish i could stop all of this, and run away... or better, to just not exist anymore.


I dont want to go in treatment anymore, i dont want all these people to mistrust me. i dont want all these people staring at me.
   I dont want to deal with these problems.

Lunch and fika

Cant believe its thursday? Where has the time gone? Also, its June 30th.... WTF? its moe then half the year gone.... and all of it spent at Mando - Nice. but thats my own fault and my own problem.... so no need to complain.
   In 14 days however, i'll be celebrating.... a whole year at Mando. Hmmm... but ill write more about that when the time comes...
   But i suppose i can say that in that 1 shitty year... ALOT has happened and changed.... it took 4 visits to inpatients for me to realise, that this isnt a life.... it took basically a year in treatment for me to finally start fighting.


Hint, why i changed the name from - living with anorexia to fighting for freedom from anorexia. cus that was what i was doing,  i was comfortable with anorexia and i was living with it, giving in to anorexia... but someday my blog name will change to something like - Finally free from anorexia. And then ill start blogging about my daily life... nothing got to do with eating or anorexia :)

Each day has gone agonizingly slowly.... i mean, id look at the clock thinking its been 10 minutes, and its only been 2 minutes.... AHHHHH.
   but its thursday already?

Today for lunch i followed with some other patients to a resturant... nice to get way from Mando and Mando food :)
   No pizza for me today... it was fish and potatoes with some sauce... thats basically what we get at Mando, but it tasted alot better there.
   But after i ordered i realised that the fish was egg battered.


In pain now.... lying in my bed trying to ignore the pain in my stomach. :(

This morning i also helped bake, banana and chocolate muffins... damn its been long since ive had a muffin... looking forward to it? no, i cant say i am.

I lvoe baking... its my favourite thing (apart from writing/photography and playing with my dog :D) but now im faced with the reality that i have to eat what i baked. :O
    Im so used to just baking things and never eating them.... so i didnt care what the recipe included.

But with the muffins today,  i was there to see all the butter/sugar etc etc.... and i cant say its helped. Its easier if i jsut get a pie, dont know the calories, dont know the ingredients.....
   so it'll be a challenge to try to get past this, to eat what ive baked even though i know whats in it. :(

And then after Fika, im heading to SCA, to have the big meeting.... No idea what will happen there, what will be said or what will be decided.... im just going to have to go with it.
   i suppose ill just be sitting there like a shadow.... everyone talking over me and about me.








^^^ Heheheh.... not today.^^^









Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Is it a good thing or a bad thing?



I asked, and i now know, that im not far off my deal goal weight - 55kg.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?


I dont know.

I miss my body when i was at 40kg. I miss being so thin.... its like i miss the number. being able to say i weight 40kg and being able to smile and be proud at the same time. and then of course it was the skinny, bony body.... its stupid that i miss it.

But then its like... well, once i'm 55kg. then i wont have to gain anymore weight... and i can start focusing on liking my body. knowing it wont change anymore.
  And maybe i can start dance lessons or toning up, as im notunderweight and dont need to worry about it.

But even though im big now, normal weight, no longer thin or underweight, im not any closer to healthy. I mean, i still find it hard to sit.
  and im not allowed home, and its not like im allowed to go out to town adn go shoppping, even though my bdy can manage it.
 
In the 9 weeks ive been in HDV, ive most probably gained 9kg... or more. :O.... it is supposed to be 0,5kg you go up a week. but as im on energy drinks, and ive eaten so much junk food, and taken exxtra energy drinks.. its like the weight has just zoomed up the scales. the number getting larger adn larger, just like my body,
   Im almost feeling guilty about all thee times ive gone Fika, taken an extra energy drink, had ice cream, eaten pizza.like i jsut want to erase that... :(

I dont know what to think... wether to smile, or whether to cry... i almost feel like crying, knowing that i weigh so much..... :(



Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Gotta keep doing what I'm doing.

Not so sure how much I'll write, it's one of thoose periods where there's not much to write about.

For this week I'm just gonna be at the hotel. Doing what I'm doing. I've been told that things are going really well, flying ahead. So thats good news.
On Thursday I have a meeting with SCĂ„ to see what is going to happen with that.
And from what we decide, whether I change or stay here, we'll start planning.
And hopefully I start going home more as we're going to work on me coming home and everything goes well and me becoming day patient.

I've just been enjoying the sun, sowing bags, eating food, and trying to be happy.

But I do admit, ive kinda fallen back to my activity ways. :/ wonder if it'll show on my weight?

Keep checking my blog!! :)

Oh.... And if anyone wants a good series to watch, I recommend - pretty little liars I'm addicted to it and that's whats taking up all my blogging time!! :)

Monday, June 27, 2011

Stop complaining and just get on with it

What really bothers me.

Is when the other patients complain about how big they are or how much food they eat. When all they've eaten is a fruit and some juice, and I've just eaten two sandwiches, a fruit and juice.
And they're not fat.

They're the newbies, so I understand, compared to what they used to eat, it's alot.
And I understand that they feel fat, when really they aren't.

But they don't need to complain and complain.
Yes - we get it.

I feel the sane way. I feel full and sick and wish I didn't have to eat so much and yes, I feel big - the difference is I actually am.

But I'm hoping that now that I'm at the hotel. I van avoid all that.

I don't want to hear it.

It's making me think bad thoughts.

Because of the incident - not saying what.

I've become all nervous, worried and stressed. It was my own fault.

But I find, when I think about it. My heart beat races, it's hard to breathe. I feel weak in the knees. Stupid.
I go into panic mode, and I feel I want to punish myself.

I've started to think about self harm again... And now suicide.

I don't know why. I've been so happy, and things have gone forwards.
But I've now started thinking, and I've Realised - I'm so f**king sick. yes - I'm eating. But just because I eat doesn't mean ill get rid of anorexia.
And now it feels like I never will. Because I can't seem to fight this last bit. To really go against anorexia.
Anorexia still has control over me.

And I feel, I can't manage this anymore. I can't live being sick, but I'm too weak to fully beat anorexia. It's always going to have a grip on me.
I'm starting to think of suicide - and I know it's wrong.

But I can't go talk to anyone. Tell them how im feeling. All these thoughts came because I did something stupid and they caught me.
But it's happens before.... And when I got caught, I got so angry, that I went home and self harmed.... My whole body was covered in red scars, but that didn't help so I was really close to hanging myself, trying to finally finish things. But I knew somewhere i couldn't so I grabbed my coat and shoes and walked the anger out of me.
This was a good few months back - last year.
But I dont know how I survived the next few weeks after the incident.

And I don't know how I'll do it this time? To cope. To get them to trust me again. I dint know.

But I'm worried about a repeat suicide attempt? I don't think anything will happen though.

The most thing that bothers mr though, is when my mum find out.... That will be the worst.

For now. I'm feeling stupid and Dobt know how to survive the next few days.

Do I even want yo live? I don't know. I can't seem to fight anorexia, so I don't see what the point of me living is for?

My new home - for the time being

Things have gone wrong. but not the reason you think. And I don't care to explain. It was my own stupid fault.
And now I feel ashamed, embarrassed and just plain stupid. I'm supposed to talk to my case manager, but I've avoided her. I don't want her to bring up what's gone wrong.
And things are going to go wrong abd just be plain awful now...

I know ive got you wondering what it is that's going on. But I dont care to explain because I feel stupid enough. And I've spent all day nervous, worried, stressed. And it's going to continue like this for the week. :/

But onto good news. the weekend went well, my weight was good. So I got the key to my room down at the hotel.

:) so very glad about that, and I get to spend my days there. It won't be any different. I'm still an in patient. And it's still sitting abd eating. but somehow it's better?
I now have my own room. And own shower!!!

It's gonna be weird, but I hope things go well!!

Not so sure how things are going to go now... But considering I'm gonna try to avoid my Cade manager... I don't know when I'll know.

X

ice cream and panic

Good afternoon :)

Hope everyone had a good weekend. For me, i suppose i had an OK weekend. Glad to be home.

Yesterday i got to go home after lunch, and mum told me that she had arranged an ice cream date with her uncle and aunt (aged like 70-80 years.) Ugghhh.... wasnt exactly looking forward to it.
   I didnt want  any more junk food. had enough of it.

But i didnt exactly have any other choice. when im home, i cant be on my own, so i jsut have to tag along and do whatever it is my mums got planned. :/ So that kinda sucked.
 
Before we left, i took an extra energy drink, just to make sure that i wouldnt lose any weight.
 
I had decided that i would choose one of thoose Cornetto Engimas.
   But when we got there, it was that my mums aunt had already bought the ice creams. 4 HUGE ONES.

Pear Daim

Cornetto Freestyle

Tip Top

Daim

They might not look huge on the pictures... but they were.

I got such panic. i got angry and annoyed. I was gonna choose my own ice cream. i wanted the smalll enigma.
   I tried to reason with myself.... why cant i eat these ice creams? theyre all the same...
   ice cream is ice cream.

I couldnt cause a fuss, i want everyone to see im getting better, and i know i couldnt refuse to eat... that would be going back to the past... i just had to eat what was being ooffered. no complaint.

I mean.. i had wanted to try the Pear Daim ice cream, anyway....

I choose the pear Daim one, but my mind kept reminding me.... you drank the energy drink - 300 calories. 
  300 extra calories.


and then it started - the ice cream was - 340 calories. 20g fat. 14g saturated fat = 70% of my guideline daily amount and the fact that i would drink 3 energy drinks today... that added 30g fat.....

stupid stupid stupid me. but i couldnt hellp it.
   i got all thhis angst and self hatred. and i could barley keep the ice cream in. :/

I hate how the GDA is written right there on every package... i dont want to know the calories... it doesnt help. :( Hate it. and i cant help looking at the GDA... its so hard to not to.

After we had eaten our ice creams, we went down to the water where my mum and her aunt and uncle sat, and i went down to the water, playing with my dog... i wanted to be on my own and take my mind off the ice cream... and of course.... i didnt want to sit. :/ My mind was in charge.


When we were leaving though my mums aunt was like -

So how long do you have to be at the hospital for? we jstu answered that we didnt know. and then seh said Oh, its too keep an eye on you, to make sure you dont cheat?


That really bothered me.... is that what everyone thinks? that all i do when i come home is cheat? Yes, that is all i did. but still..... no one understands that its an illness.... its not so easy to jstu get rid of. you cant just eat and suddenly the anorexia willl be gone.... no one understands... and i hate to think what they think about me?

Aand then she contiinued to saying... Oh, i can see that she looks alot better. - ARRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH - Yes, i know im fatter. im bigger. but no need to comment on it. id prefer if my weight and body size was left out of this.


:(


That made me sad for the rest of the evening. Now its really hit me.... im so much bigger. :(

My life is over

Things get worse and worse

Sunday, June 26, 2011

She makes my skin crawl with angry

Just seeing her walk down the hall makes me angry. I turn into a different person. A sad person. someone who won't look you in the eye, who looks sad and depressed.
Not the happy, some-what healthy girl others say I am.

There comes a protective sheild around me. Trying to protect myself. I won't talk to her. I won't look at her. I won't be myself around her.

I won't smile or laugh. I sit there frowning and looking down. And the words she says to me just brings tears to my eyes so I leave the room crying and feeling alot worse then when I entered.

She brings me down. She holds me back. She doesn't want to trust me. And everything I do is wrong.

It's as if she wants to give out to me and make me feel less, make me feel shit, just so she can feel she's in power and has control?

I don't like her. No infact - I hate her.

And that's not how I should feel. I shouldn't feel that I want to hide. I shouldn't feel less of a person when she talks to me.

Shes not nice and I never want to see her again.

I feel frustrated and angry, icant do anything about this. I can't talk to anyone. I just have to stand out with it while she comes and go's and each time she does shes made me feel shit and ruined my happy mood considerably.

She's holding me back - she doesn't want to give me a chance.

I do t understand what her problem is and why she's taking it out on me?

But I can confirm that 2 other patients, who also have to deal with her, feel exactly the same way. and if 3 people feel the same way - then there's something wrong?

Saturday, June 25, 2011

What she's doing is wrong

This week I've been happy! I've been allowed more. Time at home. Out to the country. Eating my meals at the hotel.
Things have gone forward. All thanx to my 'sub' Case manager. My case manager, who now barely comes here as she's working somewhere else aswell, would never have let me do anything. She was always holding me back.

People have commented on how good I look. Happy abd healthy. How I'm smiling more, and telling me how pretty I am - thank you.
And all the staf notice how I'm changing.

But today, my case manager was working.

I'll call my case manager L so you all know who I'm on about

L wanted to talk to me. She wanted to make up my weeks plan.
But I didn't think that was right. she can't just decide that I get to do nothing and then leave it at that. She hasnt been here.
When I mentioned that the other staff had told me that I might get to move down to the hotel on monday. L basically said she wasn't sure if I was allowed.
How can she fo that? She hasnt been here. And it's already been decided. She can't change it.

But she told me that it's her that makes the final decision.
I changed into a whle different person when I spoke to her. I got scared and not myself. I couldn't look at her or talk to her.
I even ended up crying.

I got so stressed abd frustrated. She can't cone here and decide.

She tells me that I still have so much to do. She doesn't even notice my forward steps.
Shes holding me back. Not letting me do anything.
Everything I do is wrong.

I've spent the rest of the evening talking to two other patients who also have L.
And we all think the same thing. We hate her.
And our whole day is ruined when we see that she's going to work.

I mean. Somethings wrong if we all feel the same way. None of us want her as a case manager.
She comes here and decides and make decisions that I don't think she's entitled to decide.

I thinks it's wrong and I don't like.

Midsummer 2011 - in pictures




































Saturday sweets

And then I was home today. :)

Glad to get away from Mando. But can't say I had an amazing time at home. Just an okay time.

I know I said I didn't want anymore junk food. And really, I don't. I feel so tired of the junk food.
But when we went into the shop and my mum started filling a bag of Pick N Mix (for her and my sister) I stood and watched. But then I saw the natural sweets section.
Why should I be odd? Why shouldn't I enjoy myself? there were loads of kids and people buying sweets (no one was buying natural sweets) I decided to get a bag!!

Yummi! My favourite is the yoghurt covered strawberries or chocolate covered banana chips!! :)
So I ate that with a cappuccino!! And I can say that I enjoyed my snack!! :) but was full afterwards, even though it was barely anything I ate. (as the natural sweets are so heavy)

And then before i knew it. It was time to come back to Mando.
Things were just ok today. There was a slight..... Annoyance. Or whatever you call it. When I decided to do the dishes because it was too messy. but mum wouldn't let me. :/
Yes - I'm weird.

Tomorrow, I might get to go home again. but if I do I'm gonna go and meet some family. I dint want to. We would be going out for cake and now I've seriously had enough of junk food. So I don't want cake???? Arrrggghhhh

We'll see.

Hope everyone's had a good day!!! :)

Midsummer 2011 - in words

And then it was Midsummer. Here in Sweden, everyone celebrates.
Ou dress up nicly, and everyone around goes to this pole, and we dance and sing songs. (sounds like pole dancing? - very much!!! Hahaha)

It's weird to think that I was I'm Sweden for midsummer last year aswell.
But back then, I was thin barely ate anything and I most probably weighed 10kg less then I do now.
I was much sicker then.

This morning I spent sowing, sowing, sowing!! And I got my bag sown - but got to do the straps now!
And after my morning snack, my mum came and collected me.
My sister and her boyfriend were also in the car.

Then there was the hour and 15 long car journey out to the country, wherey aunt had her cottage.
We said our 'hellos' and began with some strawberry wine.
I didn't know the calories in the wine, but I decided - I'm gonna forget calories today. eat and drink wgat I want. Not worry about the calorie content. Of course I had to stick to my meal plan - but not to worry about taking extra.

And then round 1.45 pm we sat and had lunch. I usually eat lunch at 12pm. So I had started feeling angry. I didn't exactly feel hungry. But it felt weird. Like I knew I hadnt eaten. And I didn't like it. It felt as if I had skipped my lunch - like I did when I was cheating.

For lunch we had the traditional herring and cooked pototaoes. And I also took some of this vegetable and cheese pie.
And I drank an extra energy drink. Just incase.

After lunch, I felt seriously sick. My stomach was hurting. And I didn't even know why. I had eaten 350gram. - maybe it was the alcohol I had drunk?

I just left the table and went to sit/stand with my dog. I didn't want to disappear and make them think I was off puking or something. So i stayed in sight. But I felt so abnormal. I couldn't go back and sit them.
I had felt so normal. Laughing, talking, drinking. :) but after Tge lunch, my stomach hurt and I wanted to be alone. It wasn't angst or panic. I just didn't feel like being with the others. :/

Later after everyone was dine with lunch we went down to the midsummer pole where we watched kids playing games and dancing. I wanted to dance too - but my sister thought it was babyish Abd I didn't want to go dance on my own. So I stayed put.
We then went for a small walk and picked flowers.

I know I did too much activity. I did alot of running up and down the steps, walking.... Too much. And I wonder if it's affected my weight.

When we got back to the cottage, it was dessert/fika time. My mum had made this cream/chocolate mousse/strawberry cake.
I thought I would be brave and eat it.
But once I saw all the cream I started to panic.

I didn't know what to do. Eat the cake or not. But I couldn't.
In the end, it wasn't the calorie content that was making me not want the cake it was the fact that - anorexics don't eat cake/cream/chocolate. And I was worried of what the others would think of me.
I have been getting all these bad thoughts today. Staring for ages into the mirror. And my mind telling me I'm fat.
I just want to quit the treatment. And not go up in weight anymore. I'm huge already. I can't gain anymore.

Finally I decided after much fighting in my head, that I'd take cake. Only a little. But then I wouldn't take another energy drink.

In all honesty. The cream wasn't even nice. I liked the strawberries. And the chocolate mousse was ok. But the cream wasn't nice - how do people likeIt? - but that's just my opinion.

I got all these bad thoughts after the cake. So I wrapped myself in a blanket and went and sat on my own, reading. Anything to not listen to Tge thoughts.
I felt pretty sick. And the small piece of cake I had barely stayed in my bellyy.

The time just flew by then. And everyone came inside and started to have crisps and wine. And then I realised the clock was 7pm and I hadn't even had dinner (supposed to eat at 6pm).
Tgere was no food left over so I was kind if in a mess if what to do.


But there was 1 energy drink left. And I know what when you don't eat lunch or dinner. Then it's roughly an energy drink and a half (500 cal) you drink.
So I settled for an energy drink and 3 small rolls with butter and caviar (didn't measure up.) not so sure how much it came too - calorie wise. But I ate something.

And then it was 8pm. The day I had just flown by.
I had to be back for 8.15pm - but considering it took a minimum of an hour to drive back. It didn't look like that was going to happen.

We said our good byes and then drove back.

When I got back I was an hour late, but we had called and said that already. So I just assembled my snack and went and sat down. It was right in the middle of the staff change, but they said they trusted me enough so I sat alone and ate.

Today. Had even really good. Good to get away!!
But in al honesty. I didn't behave myself very well. Considering that I left to be on my own after the food.
And I did way too much activity. But I did take 2 extra energy drinks. So that means that I drank a total of 4 yesterday (1200 cal)
And I followed my meal plan as good as I could. Apart from dinner was a bit funny. And my afternoon snack might not have been ad much as I needed. But considering that I ate cake covered In cream, i think it's ok that I just ate a little.

I think it's unfair that I got my chance to show that I could do things right, and not lose weight. When I was going out to the country.
Where there would be more activity, and my meal times werent on time and not 100% right. If I had been home things would have been beyter.

I just have to wait till Monday and see what my case manager says.

Overall.... I really enjoyed yesterday. Felt normal.... Even though the thoughts did take over sometimes. But I didn't cheat or didn't skip any meals.

I dont know what my mum thought, whether she thinks I was misbehaving? I know I'm not healthy. And I pretty much proved that tomyaekf today. Even though I'm big now.

So it feels like I'll never get rid of anorexia. Il always be sick?

Friday, June 24, 2011

I hate the person who stares back at me in the mirror

I can't handle the mirror.

The way I look. My body.

I'm fat. no. Not fat.just big.

I can't take this anymore. I can't gain anymore weight. How much more do I have to go?

I'm no longer thin. No longer look anorexic.

The eating is going fine....
But now the thoughts are creeping in.

I spent a whole hour infront of the mirror.
Looking at every detail of my body. All the changes. All my faults and imperfections. All the ways I should change.
It brought years to my eyes seeing myself. My horrible, huge self.

I just want to quit the treatment. I can't gain anymore weight.
I'll eat to keep the weight on. But not to gain.

Everyone can see I'm huge bow. And I hate myself. My clothes look awful.
I'm now just horrible - fat nothing pretty about me.

I'm sorry. I'm having a really hard time. And I resally don't want to do this treatment anymore. :/

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Good end to an OK day

This evening has been spent laughing.
I've laughed about everythingand nothing at all. Been talking to the patients and messing with the staff.
I don't know why I'm in this giddy happy mood?
It was just me and another patient.... We couldn't stop laughing. And then we would laugh even more when we would both get up because there was no staff around!!!!

My cheeks have hurt from the laughing, and in The end.... I dint even know what we talked about most of the time.

But for my snack... Something unexpected happened.

A moldy yoghurt. - nice?
First Tge staff where like - what?
But then I pulled out this green mouldy bit, and when I read the best before date. It was 10 days old. Nasty

First they told me to eat the yoghurt anyway. But I told them that that was just being nasty.
So I got to eat roughly half of another yoghurt.

And then we went out to the day room where we continued to talk and laugh and i started to sow my own bag - we'll see how that goes?

Abd then that was Thursday over.

Time to bring on the weekend!!
As tomorrow's midsummer, Mums gonna collect me after my morning snack and we'll drive out to my aunts cottage Abd we'l eat lunch there and celebrate!!
Hoping the weathers good.

And tgen for the weekend I get to be home during the day.
And if everything gies well, I get to move down to the hotel....

I just have to do my best and see what happens??? :)

Good weekend everyone

Strawberries and ice cream

As it's the day before midsummer Ice cream and strawberries was being served for anyone who wanted instead of their snack.

I wasn't so keen on the idea. As tomorrow I'll be having it again.
But I was convinced to take some.

So for my snack - I had ice cream and strawberries.





It was nice. But I do admit I'm kinda tired of the junk food now

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Tough time





Having a really tough time at the moment.

The thoughts are in control. I've had to take a painkiller trying to numb the major headachebi have.
Byt considering asking for a calming/angst reliving pill.

Haven't felt like this for a while. And it's awful.

I'm having a weight melt down.

I really don't want to gain anymore. I'm so big now.

No one tell me I'm skinny or underweight anymore. I hated when they did before, but now it would be nice to be told. I'm too thin but that's not going to happen. Because it would be lies.

I want to tone up. I don't want to see the weight on my body.

I miss my thin body. Al the bones. I felt prety then. I don't now.
Now I just feel awful.

I'm worried, how Tge thoughts have so much control.
I dont want to eat, and it feels like all I want to do is cheat.
But I can't.... And I won't

But I'm worried about the weekend. If these thoughts don't pass, there's a chance that things could go wrong and that would be my opportunity over.
Do I'm really worried.

But damn do I feel awful. Having a really bad time at the moment.

I really just want to cry. Over my body. I know its stupid. But I hate this changing.
Il never be skinny again. :/
And itsstupud.... But I cant help it.

I suppose the harder things are, the more I have to fight, to show that I can do it.